DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

"
"I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car."

This is exactly what you should have wanted to happen and made sure it did.

@mathanxiety

There is a lot of shameless ignorance about abuse and what it does to victims here on this thread.

It's true. I can't lie, I'm thinking Christ I would have let the cops take him. But a few years ago I may not have done, I don't know. Harder to see it, deal with it when you're in it. It might be a long road OP and you might have to metaphorically crawl out of this one, but crawl you must.

to OP.

OMG Ignored it will get worse...Trust me..I got hurt!!!

This is insane behaviour.

Protect yourself, your family and your dog and kick this man out. Also go back to the police and report him properly. Tell them you were too scared when they came to really make the correct report.

If you let him get away with this, he will do it again.

OP you might think because he’s “lovely most of the time” he hasn’t got it in him to seriously hurt any of you or the dog.
Trust me he has. And it will be the dog that gets it, either that or we will read about you in the papers. You know that yourself and posting on here about it has confirmed it. Read your post as if it was your daughter posting what would you say?
You need to do the right thing instead of trying to find excuses.

It’s a cycle and as time goes on the gaps between the phases of the cycle decrease. You are at risk, please protect yourself, your children and your dog.

If a strange man came into your house and did this to you and DD what would you do?
If that stranger's wife then called over and said, 'oh sorry he only does it once a year, ah he's lovely really. He's a bit stressed'. What would think?

He needs to see a Dr to make sure something neurological isn't going on since you said he only has these episodes once a year. You need to get a grip and sort out your life, he pushed your child. Next time it could be worse and there always is a next time! There are lots of organisations out there to support you, you need to do some research and start putting plans in place. I can't believe your dd was so scared she had to lock the bathroom door, that is so incredibly sad. Go back to the police and ask for help.

Now that you've had time to reflect, you've written on here because you are perhaps worried and feeling vulnerable? It's hard to separate the man you love eith the monster he was last night but I think you really should consider ringing the non-emergency number. He's treated you, your DD and the dog terribly. He should be crying for forgiveness (think you know this?). It's not right to act like it never happened. So ring the police and get him cautioned or whatever it is. This behaviour has to have consequences. If he was at least sorry then maybe you could forgive. But he isn't even sorry.

Just reread my post and it sounds like I'm excusing his behaviour, I'm absolutely not. You aren't responsible for his actions only your own and whilst it will be tough you need to act in the best interests of yourself and your children. You deserve better than living a life on eggshells.Best of luck op.

You should have told the police the truth, he was screaming and shouting, your daughter was in danger, the dog was at risk of harm, and you got pinned to the stairs with a first to your face....all because you daughter ordered takeaways to the house at all hours...

Do you see how his behaviour is not normal, if something as small as that can cause him to erupt so violently then none of you are safe, you need to report him to the police

Your dog takes better care of your kids than your husband does.
Leave the bastard. You will get so much advice and love on here from other women that have been there and done that.

@rogoueblue

I know logically I could’ve spoken but there was something blocking me. Earlier that day we were out having a lovely pub lunch and he was decorating. I don’t understand it.

I went into an autopilot mode and after the police left tried to make it feel like a normal night.

You are enabling him. I'm sure it's because you are scared but this is going to escalate. Your kids will either reject him and you or (worse ) recreate this violent and abusive dynamic in their own homes for their own children.

For heaven’s sake get a grip and contact the police. This man you refer to as ‘DH’ (demonic, disgusting, despicable? Which D is it?) get the hell away from him and take your daughter and dog with you! Your poor daughter has had to put up with PoS her whole life and the poor dog and of course you! This man is vile and very dangerous!!

@rogoueblue, the majority of posts here are from people who have no clue when it comes to abuse.

Please click 'report' on your first post and ask MN to move the thread to the Relationships board, where you will get constructive advice and the support you need.

FFS people. Stop with the personal abuse and the sanctimony.

The OP knows what is going on isn't ok.

The average abused woman makes seven attempts to leave an abuser.

Do any of you pouring scorn on the OP have the faintest inkling why this is so?

He was so violent that you were genuinely afraid he would kill your family pet, and hé threatened to punch you in the face?

Neighbours called the police the screaming and shouting was so bad, but it's alright because he only does it about once a year!? Did I get that right?

Haven't RTFT but this is not okay OP and I hope you can make him seek help before he does real harm to somebody.

Hi OP, we've moved this thread to the Relationships board so you can get more of the advice and support you need.

@rogoueblue

I meant it’s the first time they’ve been brought into it physically.

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely reliant on him financially.

What do you think he'd have done if the police hadn't turned up? Thumped you? Smacked your head into the stairs? If your daughter heard you scream, came running and saw him hurting you, what would he have done to her?

God this is hideous. You need to leave. If you can't, at least give the dog away to a safe home and explain to your daughter that this isn't normal and if she wants to leave you will support her.
www.womensaid.org.uk/

Bloody hell and you are leaving this! Please rehome your terrified dog! Made my blood run cold reading this! So you are prepared to let this bully stay in your home, so what happens the next time there’s a disagreement and he loses it again which he most certainly will! And it’s generally once a year! First time he’s brought child into it! What’s going to happen next then you carry on till the next time ! You already said you thought he would kill the dog ! So all your children have whitnessed this behaviour from him! What are you waiting for!

I don't know if you're still reading, OP, but I hope so. I know it's hard in the moment to tell the truth. You have been trained to protect him and minimise his abuse. But you can still go back to the police now - tell them what really happened. You should also call your local women's aid.

It's not always easy to just walk away, but it's not impossible, either. You can do it, and you need to do it for your DC sake as well as your own

One day he will go too far and one of you will be dead or seriously injured. Once a year is once a year too much. Get support from women’s aid.

FFS

Things will only change if you want and make them change.

You're financially reliant (don't know why this would be the case???? ) but if you can remove this block. Also that's what benefits are for.

Your children have seen this violent shit more than once.
Once is too often

Leave. FFS.
You know you should. They're now adults. This is on you. Go!

@rogoueblue you’ve started this thread because you know this is so badly wrong.

This isn’t OK.

And this incident sounds much worse that ‘the worst’ one with the boot.

You and your daughter should not be living with this man.

I hope you can find what it takes to leave.

[quote mathanxiety]@rogoueblue, the majority of posts here are from people who have no clue when it comes to abuse.

Please click 'report' on your first post and ask MN to move the thread to the Relationships board, where you will get constructive advice and the support you need.

FFS people. Stop with the personal abuse and the sanctimony.

The OP knows what is going on isn't ok.

The average abused woman makes seven attempts to leave an abuser.

Do any of you pouring scorn on the OP have the faintest inkling why this is so?

[/quote]
I fled abuse, thanks. So I for one DO know what it's like. And you know what, I wish someone had given me some harsh words and a good (metaphorical) shake so I'd left earlier. Sometimes you need to lay it all out, as hard as it is to read.

I was fully dependent financially on my exh too, and my youngest was only a toddler. I had a massive wake up call and left with just my kids and a few bits. Maybe OP needs a wake up call too before her DH does something even worse.