DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

What would it take for him to do that would get you to leave ?

How bad would it need to be ?

Kill the dog ? Injure your daughter or you ?

@rogoueblue

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time. It is about once a year, and you never know what’s going to trigger it.

I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

Which might have taught him a lesson, op. As things are he has got away with what was appalling behaviour. In the past, police didn't like to get involved in domestic arguments because the injured party would back down and say it wasn't a big deal.

It was a big deal! Who knows what the man will do next time. I don't know what you can do about it now, frankly, especially as your husband refuses to talk about it.

I certainly wouldn't feel safe living with him, you never know when he will turn and next time he could do you or your daughter some real damage.

@rogoueblue

It’s the first time he’s brought one of the kids into it

Read that back to yourself.

The first time.
The. First. Time.

You know this will happen again and you don't know how it will end.

You should have let the police take him.

I'd call them again ask for help getting him out. Tell them you were in shock, he was right there, and you couldn't speak up in the moment.

And call Women's Aid.

My God. A passer-by was alarmed enough to ring the police?? And they actually attended? That is an argument too big to be forgotten.

And your h hasn't apologised. 🙄 I bet he wants you to forget about it. But how can you? How can you ever trust him again?

Your poor dd. This will really have shaken her. My 18yo dd is a feminist, very aware of violent men and the problems caused by male violence. Dd would never speak to her dad again if he did that to her.

Your h needs to apologise to you, dd, then get some anger management.

Why on earth didn't you press charges??? What are your actions showing your dd?

Leave him!

Show your daughter this is not how good men behave.

I doubt that there are not other things going on between times. Like the gaslighting that is happening now. Men who are abusive tend to be so in all areas of their victims lives physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, financially, with parenting, with appearance, with what you do with your time, they use coercion when they are not using physical control. This is not acceptable

How is your DD today? You need to tell her she did nothing wrong and you will protect her by leaving this abusive man.

Start looking for a job schools, retail anything.

Please educate your daughter that she should of phoned the police.... your very lucky that someone saw this and called the police.

If he can just snap like that he’s a danger to you, your children and your dog. How will you feel if you do nothing and next time he hurts one of you?

Should have let the police take him.

Can you imagine the post your DD might write? What if she confides in a friend and school or SS get involved? Even though the Police didn't do anything, they will have a record of the call out.
You know this behaviour is unacceptable and if I were you, I'd ring back the Police and say you want to make a report. It's not a one-off, not that it would excuse it. You know it's going to happen again, just don't know when or how bad.

Once is too many times nevermind once a year. Being a nice guy for the rest of the time doesn't excuse it, or make up for it. I would not have my children around someone like that.

The fact that you’ve posted this on here means that you don’t want to pretend it never happened.

He sounds like a controlling and abusive arsehole.

Has he ever physically assaulted you before?

This is not a normal family domestic OP. Normal family domestics don’t include chasing, threats, pinning people down and snatching/manhandling animals.

Please get back in touch with the police or Women’s Aid and tell them what exactly happened. The truth. The police should take it seriously and Women’s Aid will be able to give you support and advice.

For yours and your children’s and your dogs safety

This is very serious indeed, OP. Don't minimize it.

Reread your post, this thread, and its responses. Imagine it's your friend who has confided this in you. What would you say to her?

Now imagine you are reading the same content from the perspective of your daughter. What message will staying with this abusive monster send to her? Because you shouldn't mistake that the way in which you respond to this situation will colour your relationship with your child for the remainder of time.

I , like your DD, am the daughter of a sadistic, abusive father. Believe me when I tell you this: she won't forget, and there's a possibility that neither will she forgive.

@rogoueblue

Please call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. Leave a message stating when it is safe for them to call you back. Tell them everything. Ask for help. They are there for people like you and your DCs.

Go back to the police. File a report. Cooperate with them.

Your home is not safe. Nobody in it is safe. You have all experienced the effects of the abuse - you've all frozen in the face of the sudden rage.

Sudden explosive rage is impossible to predict and impossible to wrap your rational mind around.

You have tried - hence your correlation with his drinking, or stress.

You have also tried to behave as if nothing has happened, as has your H, in your case because you are afraid of addressing it, and in your H's case because he has got away with it. Your response comes from fear. At the back of your mind is fear he will kick off again and blame you.

You emphasise the infrequency of the explosive episodes because this helps you to feel the rage is under control. But each time it happens your mind is left grappling with the fact that it has happened again. It is a huge shock to the rational mind and to your sense of personal agency as an adult that someone can turn into a raging monster at the flip of a switch and leave you shaking with fear and utterly powerless.

As well as calling WA and going back to the police, please look up Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It's available as a pdf. I'll look it up when I'm back on my PC.

Once a year is once a year too many. He scares your children like that once and he should be gone.

Fucking hell how can you live with his yearly outbursts, I’d have left years ago

Cripes a passer by called the police?? And you told them it was only verbal when it wasn't. I suggest you call them back, make a statement and tell them the truth. For your daughter.

Re finances. Do you need to be dependent on him financially? If your children are older, can you get a job? You'll get benefit help if he's gone.

There is a lot of shameless ignorance about abuse and what it does to victims here on this thread.

Yes to Lundy Bancroft.

Fuck that. Contact the police again and complain. They should never take the word of a violent abusive man over the victims. Disgusting

@rogoueblue

It’s the first time he’s brought one of the kids into it

No it isn't the first time - you said yourself-

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time

OP, this will have traumatised and fucked up your daughter for life by the way. And your other kids. I’m not exaggerating - they have already been damaged immeasurably. You can’t go back and undo it but you can sure as fuck make sure it never never happens again.
There are so many red flags here but the absolute biggest one is that he doesn’t even acknowledge that he has done anything wrong. Get an injunction to protect yourself and begin legal proceedings. Press charges with the police. Get away or one day he will kill you. He won’t be the first man to do that.