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Original poster

DH wants to pretend it never happened

562 replies

rogoueblue · 16/04/2022 17:28

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

OP posts:
me4real · 17/04/2022 00:05

@Lalliella That's not what I was saying. I was saying it presumably didn't just happen. Her husband was violent, pushing her and her child. I've known people in these situations and they would (understandably) be 'in denial' to some extent, at least with one part of their mind.

The first part of acting appropriately in response to a situation of abuse, is to be fully aware of the situation and what the abuser is doing. And to keep those rose tinted glasses off, keep trying to keep your eyes seeing and remembering the reality.

Otherwise it can be part of what keeps the woman in the situation- they talk themselves out of what they've seen with their own eyes. They minimize it (the abuser of course encourages that and is telling them that) and that keeps them with the abuser longer, sometimes fatally so.

me4real · 17/04/2022 00:08

@k1233 I imagine to punish DD for 'starting arguments.'

He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD

WoofWoofMooWoof · 17/04/2022 00:08

@IncompleteSenten

Will it take him actually pinching you or killing the dog for you to leave?

Because it really is only a matter of time you know.

Flowers

This ^
FatPatsCat · 17/04/2022 00:13

Just a thought, but if DD was locked in the bathroom, could she have contacted the police, maybe as a cry for help OP?

me4real · 17/04/2022 00:13

People are so arsey/picky on this forum sometimes, twisting people's words falsely etc. Now someone's done it with @CandyLeBonBon too. If people want a baddie they could play Warcraft or something rather than making people into villains for a choice of words the nitpickers want to have fun with.

lilmishap · 17/04/2022 00:13

Op you're getting battered here. But if you look closely you'll see there are a lot of us have been in your shoes.
We all minimised we all pretended it wasn't a big deal and it wasn't regular and we were all really really shocked when Mumsnet pointed out that actually it is a big deal.
We all felt just a shit as you're probably feeling now. It's a horrible moment.
Take a bit of time to just let it sink in. You're not hateful you're not pathetic you're not useless.
But you are in a situation that is truly horrific and that's a massive amount to take in when you don't realise it.
You are not alone and there is loads of help when you're ready.

lilmishap · 17/04/2022 00:14

@FatPatsCat

Just a thought, but if DD was locked in the bathroom, could she have contacted the police, maybe as a cry for help OP?
I wondered this. But any admission from DD with probably cause more trouble at this stage so best not to think about it You've got enough to digest
VivX · 17/04/2022 00:15

OP, none of this is your fault. You do not have to pretend this never happened. Do try to seek help and support from a women's charity.

me4real · 17/04/2022 00:17

All I was saying is you need to see clearly what happened OP. I've been in a situation @rogoueblue , where I was being messed with and what helped me was to keep my eyes on that reality once I started to see it- don't let yourself be lulled back in by any manipulations/minimizations he might subject you to now, or that your mind might play on you. Keep those eyes wide open, and act accordingly.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2022 00:18

Nobody is financially reliant enough to stay in a relationship like this.

Absolute nonsense.

wtfwasthatmate · 17/04/2022 00:20

Next time he will punch you in the face. You need to call back the police and tell them what happened. Call woman's aid. Leave.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2022 00:23

I meant that op and her children have learned to shift and adjust their language and behaviour to avoid angering him, which is why he only explodes once a year.
@CandyLeBonBon
That's much better.

'Pussyfooting' has implications of avoiding the problem out of laziness or denial when in fact trying not to poke the bear is a defensive stance born of fear and a feeling of utter powerlessness.

The ultimate aim of abuse is to convince the victim that she has no choice but to stay and be abused again. The abuser has clearly done this very effectively to @rogoueblue, who is dependent on him financially, and who responds to aggression by freezing.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 17/04/2022 00:23

Are you ok, OP?
I really hope things haven’t escalated.

How has today been? I expect you’re still in shock with your mind swirling. Flowers

CandyLeBonBon · 17/04/2022 00:25

@lilmishap

Op you're getting battered here. But if you look closely you'll see there are a lot of us have been in your shoes. We all minimised we all pretended it wasn't a big deal and it wasn't regular and we were all really really shocked when Mumsnet pointed out that actually it is a big deal. We all felt just a shit as you're probably feeling now. It's a horrible moment. Take a bit of time to just let it sink in. You're not hateful you're not pathetic you're not useless. But you are in a situation that is truly horrific and that's a massive amount to take in when you don't realise it. You are not alone and there is loads of help when you're ready.
^^what she said.

I remember coming on here years ago and having totally minimised what was going on. It took me a while to extricate myself and the response from people on here who could see it for what it was, was a complete shock, so it took a while to sink in,

I hope you're ok Thanks

CandyLeBonBon · 17/04/2022 00:26

@mathanxiety

I meant that op and her children have learned to shift and adjust their language and behaviour to avoid angering him, which is why he only explodes once a year. *@CandyLeBonBon* That's much better.

'Pussyfooting' has implications of avoiding the problem out of laziness or denial when in fact trying not to poke the bear is a defensive stance born of fear and a feeling of utter powerlessness.

The ultimate aim of abuse is to convince the victim that she has no choice but to stay and be abused again. The abuser has clearly done this very effectively to @rogoueblue, who is dependent on him financially, and who responds to aggression by freezing.

Please stop policing my language.
TheBigDilemma · 17/04/2022 00:27

Amazing, you both are terrified, he looked as if he was going to kill the dig and your poor DD had to hide away to feel safe.

Honestly OP, what are you teaching to your DD? that is ok to be abused and living in fear with a partner because it only happens once a year??? Jesus, you are her mother, you need to protect her not your abusive husband.

Once a year my arse, I bet he is nasty everyday but as long as it doesn’t get to this level you think it is ok??? Well, it is not. Wake up and protect your child.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2022 00:28

I'm telling how 'pussyfooting' comes across to me, a former victim of DV, @CandyLeBonBon.

Shauny098 · 17/04/2022 00:28

This reply has been deleted

This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

mathanxiety · 17/04/2022 00:29

@TheBigDilemma

Do you honestly think that shaming the OP is supportive?

If yes, in what way?

Redruby2020 · 17/04/2022 00:30

@stickanotherlogonthefire

Only get threatened with being murder once a year?

Is that all?

Everything's fine then.

WTAF?

Woman you need to get a grip. Have you got any friends or family you can turn to?

Your children could end up with a dead mother.

Exactly this! But I do agree with other comments about OP being a victim of abuse, what she says and does is normal it's expected. It's just getting it changed which is the difficult part!
AuntTwacky · 17/04/2022 00:30

LTB

spudjulia · 17/04/2022 00:31

If you let this pass with no consequences, your children might take years to realise this is not normal, if in fact they ever do.

CandyLeBonBon · 17/04/2022 00:38

@mathanxiety

I'm telling how 'pussyfooting' comes across to me, a former victim of DV, *@CandyLeBonBon*.
Maybe pick on someone else now?
me4real · 17/04/2022 00:45

Speaking as a survivor of childhood and partner abuse, 'pussyfooting' in the context of Candy's comment just came across to me that the person feels they have to act that way. Like walking on eggshells. But from googling it seems it can mean either to be timid, or to be wary.

WonderfulYou · 17/04/2022 00:46

I suspect the op and her children have spent years pussyfooting around this man which is probably why he doesn't explode more than he does.

I completely agree.

As many PPs have said once is too many but she’s been trained to think once a year is ok and she’s lucky it’s not more than that.

I don’t think I’ve ever read a thread where the OP is happy that it only happens once a year - how many years has she been mentally abused to think like that.

He is capable of this behaviour because it happens regularly.
The only reason it doesn’t happen more regularly than it does is because they all do what he says.

His behaviour will get more violent and it will happen more regularly as it’s only a matter of time.