DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

once a year he gets like this and once a something happens. this year he threatened to kill the dog, next year or the year after he may kill someone - get out. Get help - it just takes one moment to of him losing control and increasing escalating with no consequences for the unthinkable to occur. Talk to the police now and women aid etc - show your children you will not put up with this. Wishing you and your children strength and healing. Your children should also chat to a counsellor to see how they are going and to see what help they may need processing years of this.

that was my first thought too but on re-reading I wonder if she meant that "we both got pushed onto the bed" makes it sound better than "he pushed us both" which is the reality and shows the true violence of the situation.

I agree.
OP is downplaying or removing herself from the situation so it’s not as bad as it is. I think she’s in denial.

Fuck me. Get him out and quick before he does more serious damage to you, the kids and/or your dog.

www.womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/why-its-so-difficult-to-leave
(US based, but the dynamic is the same.)

To all of the posters who think it's so simple and so easy to leave - read this, from the link:

Leaving can be dangerous: Many people experiencing intimate partner violence realistically fear that their abusive partners’ actions will become more violent and even lethal if they attempt to leave. The abuser may have threatened to kill them or hurt their child, family member or pet if they leave.
What about the kids? Many survivors are not sure that leaving would be the best for their children (especially if the children are not being abused directly.) Concerns may include: Will my partner win custody of the children? How will I support my kids without my partner’s income? I want my children to have two parents.
Isolation: The survivor's friends and family may not know about the abuse, or may not support their leaving; or the survivor may have no one to turn to, since isolation is a key dynamic of intimate partner violence.
Cycle of Violence and Hope for Change: Most abusive partners exhibit a behavioral pattern that has been described as a cycle of violence. The cycle of violence has three phases: the honeymoon phase (when everything in the relationship seems lovely), tension building, and violent incident. Many abusive partners become remorseful after inflicting violence, and promise that they will change (beginning the honeymoon phase again). This cycle makes it difficult to break free from an abusive partner.
Lack of Resources: The survivor may not have their own source of income due to financial abuse, or may not have access to alternate housing, cash or bank accounts.

Please do not dismiss the OP's reaction or heap blame on her for what is happening. The abuse is the fault of the man. She has stated that she is completely dependent on him financially. She needs practical assistance, not kneejerk reactions from people who have no clue how any of this works.

Name change for reasons obvious here. Not RTFT as triggering. Been in your DD's position. Culminated in my dad holding knife to my throat one time. That's what it took for my mum to give him an ultimatum. He did change. He also wrote me an apology- which did and does matter for me (I looked it out again tonight, over 20 years later!).

Were we a 'normal' family 99% of the time? Absolutely. Was this a compromise sort of solution? Yes. Did it affect me? Yes, I became anorexic. Did we get back on track? Yes, good relationship with mum and ok with dad and they stayed together. Did I later wonder why my mum let things happen so many times before stopping it? Yes, and I think she did too. Would I let it happen to my kids? Absolutely not.

You can change this in the cold light of day or you can wait for the next time. I get the solution might be a compromise. Nobody but your children has a right to judge you on that.

@WonderfulYou

that was my first thought too but on re-reading I wonder if she meant that "we both got pushed onto the bed" makes it sound better than "he pushed us both" which is the reality and shows the true violence of the situation.

I agree.
OP is downplaying or removing herself from the situation so it’s not as bad as it is. I think she’s in denial.

I agree, I spent a long time doing this too and it is shouting out from the OP's posts. I did a lot of the old "but it doesnt happen very often" before I copped on that the fact it had even happened ONCE was once too often.

Once an abuser, always an abuser.

Get him out and quick before he does more serious damage to you, the kids and/or your dog.

Yeah, no problem.

Just point to the door and explain to him that he has to go.

He will surely do exactly that.

Any violence towards my child and I would be going feral, probably murderous.

Are you saying this out of direct experience of domestic violence?

'I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car'
If you knew why didn't you have him carted off.You're protecting him, even the poor dog can't have a normal life.Speak to women's aid and get advice, do it as a matter of urgency.

Picking up on a pp's comment about the use of language, be just re-read the op, and every time she talks about her husband's violent behaviour, it's in the passive tense. 'We get pushed on the bed', 'I get pushed on the stairs' etc.

I suspect the op and her children have spent years pussyfooting around this man which is probably why he doesn't explode more than he does.

I'd be interested to know if he manages to hold his temper with clients and colleagues or does he explode at them too?

@mathanxiety

www.womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/why-its-so-difficult-to-leave (US based, but the dynamic is the same.)

To all of the posters who think it's so simple and so easy to leave - read this, from the link:

Leaving can be dangerous: Many people experiencing intimate partner violence realistically fear that their abusive partners’ actions will become more violent and even lethal if they attempt to leave. The abuser may have threatened to kill them or hurt their child, family member or pet if they leave.
What about the kids? Many survivors are not sure that leaving would be the best for their children (especially if the children are not being abused directly.) Concerns may include: Will my partner win custody of the children? How will I support my kids without my partner’s income? I want my children to have two parents.
Isolation: The survivor's friends and family may not know about the abuse, or may not support their leaving; or the survivor may have no one to turn to, since isolation is a key dynamic of intimate partner violence.
Cycle of Violence and Hope for Change: Most abusive partners exhibit a behavioral pattern that has been described as a cycle of violence. The cycle of violence has three phases: the honeymoon phase (when everything in the relationship seems lovely), tension building, and violent incident. Many abusive partners become remorseful after inflicting violence, and promise that they will change (beginning the honeymoon phase again). This cycle makes it difficult to break free from an abusive partner.
Lack of Resources: The survivor may not have their own source of income due to financial abuse, or may not have access to alternate housing, cash or bank accounts.

Please do not dismiss the OP's reaction or heap blame on her for what is happening. The abuse is the fault of the man. She has stated that she is completely dependent on him financially. She needs practical assistance, not kneejerk reactions from people who have no clue how any of this works.

Thank you for posting this. I can’t believe it needs pointing out, I’m in disbelief at some of the comments on this thread. Because shaming OP will keep her and her family safe 🙄

Do you honestly think it was a passerby who called the police? Don't you think it's more likely to have been one of your neighbours who have heard this too many times and were genuinely concerned for your welfare? Particularly if the dog was dragged into it this time and was screaming. That's the saddest thing out of all this for me. Everyone else is now old enough to have a choice to be in that house with him. That poor dog doesn't. It's clearly traumatised, which suggests the screaming is more regular than once a year.

As suggested above, you and your daughter could move out to your own place, get jobs etc Your children are old enough they don't need you staying with him for the financial support.

I grew up in an abusive home. I remember one incident when I was 17. If my sister and myself had of known the other wanted to leave we would have left that night and they never would have heard from us again. Unfortunately we were a long way from town, mobiles didn't exist, so getting away wasn't easy. I left home at 18 and whilst I visit a couple of times a year, normally only for a few hours, that's it.

Like you, my mother downplays it. The rose tinted glasses and convenient glossing over of abuse. It wasn't just once a year. There was constant walking on eggshells so as not to trigger him. It has a profound impact. Like your dog, raised voices and aggression terrify me. That's probably why I feel so sorry for it - I feel exactly the same way myself.

Why didn't you let him be carted off by the police? It might have taught him a lesson.

Or alternatively, he might have listened passively to some half hearted warning from the police about what he can and can't do to The Missus, and then returned and killed her, or made life completely unbearable for them all, killed the dog, etc..

Or the police might have brought charges and he would be released on bail, only to return and kill her, her DD, the dog, etc.

Or the police might bring charges and he might be sent to jail and then released in a few months, and then returned and killed her.

Except that she would have had no income for that time and she would be living in a cardboard box under an overpass with her DD and the dog because of non payment of bills, mortgage, etc, and her car would have been repossessed. The advantage to homelessness is that it would take him longer to find her of course, so there's that.

She reacted in exactly the way hundreds of thousands of abused women react every single day.
Why is this a surprise to so many here?

I am astonished that so few posters seem to understand this.

Talk to your DH and tell him if he doesn’t address his anger via therapy, you’ll leave. You are in an abusive relationship and this will steadily become worse.
I do not think blaming you is the answer here, you are clearly terrified and are walking on eggshells, but I would please ask you to think of your dd, dog, yourself and ask if a friend had told you this story, how would you respond/advise?
If he will not help himself, seek council yourself. Outline what you will and will not accept in your life. Think about the worst case scenario, what if he punches your daughter? You? Kills the dog?

Please, from someone who grew up with an alcoholic father, for your daughter, find a way out of this.

@PyongyangKipperbang

X post X2

Off topic but omg your username just cracked a huge grin on my face I will now be watching a film instead of sleeping

I suspect the op and her children have spent years pussyfooting around this man which is probably why he doesn't explode more than he does.

Let's put your own language under the microscope here, @CandyLeBonBon...

Did you mean to blatantly blame the victims here, or did you mean to offer support to the victim?

If it's the former, then maybe consider rephrasing what you posted, and next time, don't blame the victim.

If the latter, then rephrase too.

Because blaming the victim is not on.

Exactly, I’m really surprised at how hostile people are about this. Reporting him could’ve made things exponentially worse. It’s not easy to get away. Financial issues, emotional attachment, reliance etc. He seems volatile and utterly in denial.

I think what she meant was that the only reason he isnt more abusive is because the OP has spent all those years appeasing him, so if she started standing up to him it would be an awful lot worse. If anything, she has been saving herself and now her child from more abuse than she currently gets.

As a survivor I dont find it victim blaming, just stating what is probably fact.

@mathanxiety

I suspect the op and her children have spent years pussyfooting around this man which is probably why he doesn't explode more than he does.

Let's put your own language under the microscope here, @CandyLeBonBon...

Did you mean to blatantly blame the victims here, or did you mean to offer support to the victim?

If it's the former, then maybe consider rephrasing what you posted, and next time, don't blame the victim.

If the latter, then rephrase too.

Because blaming the victim is not on.

No. I meant that op and her children have learned to shift and adjust their language and behaviour to avoid angering him, which is why he only explodes once a year.

And no, I wasn't victim blaming, I was sympathising because I've been in exactly the same situation and I know how we turn ourselves inside out to avoid angering someone, without realising that's what we've done.

Stand down soldier, I wasn't victim blaming. Not even slightly.

@Unforgettablefire

There’s nothing weird about being concerned for the dog. The op has chosen to stay and the daughter is still there. Op has a duty of care towards the dog, it’s terrified and being abused and it’s being kept there it doesn’t even have a choice. Are you saying the dog doesn’t matter?

He also has a duty of care. But there's no one in the house who is likely to kill him so it's easier for him to ignore that duty. Are people seriously saying that she should leave because of the dog and not because he may kill her? Have a word with yourself. She needs assurances but this is abuse and this is bad enough that she can leave and saying you need to leave because of the dog doesn't cut the mustard.

If your daughter was married to a man who treated her like this what would you do?
Tell her to ignore it?
Tell her it’s only once a year so that’s ok?

This is how violent men kill women. It happens every week in the UK.

You thought this man was going to kill your dog to punish you and your daughter and yet he gets away with it to do it again. Whenever he chooses.
You know what you should have done when the police arrived. Do it now and get your child and your dog to safety.

When you told the police that it was "just a verbal," you told him that it was nothing. People who get away with that with no consequences do not ever acknowledge (or rarely do) that they have any issues. You just reinforced his belief that he is not that "out there." Don't do this again.

Interesting minimising language.

Dd gets pushed, I get pinned to the stairs.

Not dh pushed dd. Dh pushed me. Dh pinned me to the stairs.

A question from me - you thought he was going to kill the dog to punish you and your daughter. Punish you for what?