DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

Reliant on him financially, so you’re willing to get your dog killed? You know what you and your children are living in-you all have a chance to leave but you are choosing to stay. The dog doesn’t have a choice, at least give your dog to a caring home/shelter so it doesn’t get killed next time your charming husband loses his rag.

No way is this just once a year and he’s man of the year the rest of the time. Even if it’s just once a year, why are you staying?

Poor kids and dog growing up and living in this shit.

You can't stay with him now.

It's awful you've let your kids grow up witnessing this.

There’s nothing weird about being concerned for the dog. The op has chosen to stay and the daughter is still there. Op has a duty of care towards the dog, it’s terrified and being abused and it’s being kept there it doesn’t even have a choice. Are you saying the dog doesn’t matter?

I think you just need to put it behind you. It's only once a year and he didn't actually hit anyone and it would be a big upheaval so easier to pretend it didn't happen. And he was stressed

^^ I know you want to rationalise it but write down your thought process for staying. Does it feel like good advice? Can you talk to the police, say that you reacted how you did in shock and ask what their advice or support they can offer you?

Does he ever react like that to anyone else? If not there is an element of choice.

Nobody is financially reliant enough to stay in a relationship like this.

There's not many threads that make me cross when it comes to DA but it's frustrating that you can't even admit this isn't OK to yourself. You thought he would kill your dog, but it's all perfectly excusable because it's once a year!

You're completely reliant on him financially? What a surprise.

You need to call Women's Aid. He's dangerous OP. It might only be once a year, but many women manage to spend year, decades in marriages where their husband NEVER pushes them, raises a first to them, or grabs their pets in a way that is threatening. Your poor daughter. What a terrible example he's setting her. You both needs help to get put of there ASAP.

Worried for you OP - please listen to everyone on here. If he refuses to address this and at the very least seek help for his anger management issues then you need to get yourself, your children and your dog to safety. xx

It's not too late to contact the police again and tell them what really happened. You could call the non-emergency number, or see if there is a way to email them or something. Perhaps you could write down a factual statement to give them if it's too hard to talk about it. (You do at least have this thread to read back to remind yourself.)

It is very important that you take steps to protect yourself and your children (and your dog!) and one of those steps is to report to the police.

If you don't feel up to doing that yet (or at all) please contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline - you can call 08082000247 or they have live chat.

Do you have any physical injuries? If so I advise making an urgent GP appointment.

Each of these actions will serve two purposes; they should get you some support, and they will also create official evidence of his abuse (police reports, contact with domestic abuse services, and medical records). If you find yourself needing legal advice and representation, you can use this evidence to qualify for legal aid due to his abuse.

Eventually I think you absolutely need to leave him but in the first instance just get some support from at least one professional source.

@Thesummeriwas16

Worried for you OP - please listen to everyone on here. If he refuses to address this and at the very least seek help for his anger management issues then you need to get yourself, your children and your dog to safety. xx

Actually, reading that back I think it's too late for him to get help - I think he's crossed the line and you need to get out of there.

Why didn't you let him be carted off by the police? It might have taught him a lesson. As it is, he's learnt nothing. It'll happen again. There must be something wrong with him. He's sick in the head and dangerous.

@rogoueblue

I know logically I could’ve spoken but there was something blocking me. Earlier that day we were out having a lovely pub lunch and he was decorating. I don’t understand it.

I went into an autopilot mode and after the police left tried to make it feel like a normal night.

You were probably in shock and this is the way you coped with it, however this approach is very damaging to your daughter. She has grown up with the idea that this is just a part of family life. Something really bad happens, something dangerous, and then the mother just pretends that everything is normal afterwards. It shouldn't be normal OP and when it's accepting time & time again like this, the message that she's absorbing is that it is normal. It wouldn't't surprise me if she'll end up with someone abusive and unhinged as well.

Do you have relatives you can stay with?

What would you advise your daughter if she was in this position?

This should be the end surely. He was violent to you and your child.

we both get pushed onto the bed.

Should read 'he pushed us both.'

Only get threatened with being murder once a year?

Is that all?

Everything's fine then.

WTAF?

Woman you need to get a grip. Have you got any friends or family you can turn to?

Your children could end up with a dead mother.

Once a year is once a year too often. This man is an abusive monster. What he did to you, your DD and the poor dog is unacceptable. I understand you not speaking up to the police because of shock, but frankly, he should have been driven away in a police car because it seems that his outrageous behaviour always goes without any consequences for him and leaves you and your DC hurt and in a really bad place.

You say you're financially dependent on him so my guess is you won't leave him but you should. Your poor daughter deserves better than this. I'm assuming the older children have left home? Did they leave home early to get away from the horrible situation at home? I'm guessing that they probably did and that your youngest DD will do the same as soon as she can.

Yeah that's a no from me. Any violence towards my child and I would be going feral, probably murderous. Given how he has been in the past I admit he has done well to keep his nature under control for most of the time, but you really can't risk your lives as one time during one episode he could very well kill one of you. I think you need to get out and away.

I grew up in a household with domestic violence. I lived in fear. You HAVE to end this relationship. For everyone’s sake.

I’m 60 now but still dream of my father’s abuse. It’s always the same. Me, trying to protect my mum/get us away from him. Your daughter may not forgive you, op.

@me4real

we both get pushed onto the bed.

Should read 'he pushed us both.'

Is this really your take on this @me4real? To correct OP’s grammar. Fucking hell, what on earth is the matter with you?

OP please contact the police and tell them what really happened, then get onto Women’s Aid and find a way to leave this abusive bastard. For your kids’ sake, for your dog’s sake, and for your sake.

I posted before reading all the replies. The victim blaming on this thread is atrocious Some PPs should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

OP, you did nothing wrong, his behaviour was not your fault, and you are not at fault for not telling the police what happened when they asked you in front of him.

Police should always talk to people separately when attending this kind of incident; surely that is just plain common sense?! It is absolutely their fault for not taking each of you aside. Even then, you might still have felt too shocked and scared to tell them what happened. That's his fault for making you feel that way. Not your fault!!

@Lalliella
me4real
we both get pushed onto the bed.

Should read 'he pushed us both.'

She isn’t correcting OPs grammar, she is making the sentence reflect his active actions. HE abused them, the abuse didn’t just happen to them.
Language matters

@Lalliella I think that @me4real was pointing out that them being pushed wasn't something that just happened, it was something he actively did to them.

Not picking up on their grammar, just pointing out that they weren't all people just experiencing something (e.g. being pushed) on an equal level - they were victims and he was the active aggressor.

@Lalliella that was my first thought too but on re-reading I wonder if she meant that "we both got pushed onto the bed" makes it sound better than "he pushed us both" which is the reality and shows the true violence of the situation. At least, I hope thats what she meant as someone picking up on grammar in a thread like this.....well I cant put what I am thinking as it would get deleted....

X post X2