Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DH wants to pretend it never happened

562 replies

rogoueblue · 16/04/2022 17:28

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

OP posts:
TerriblyNaice · 16/04/2022 21:29

I'm actually crying after reading that. I'm shocked at how much it's affected me, so I dread to think how your children are affected.

I wish that I knew you so I could report what really happened and remove that poor creature 😡

Gazelda · 16/04/2022 21:34

I hope you're OK OP.

This thread must be awful to read. You may feel bullied, even though in your heart you know that everyone is right.

Perhaps give it a day or two and then re-post to ask for advice on how to leave. You will get good, honest, experienced support.

In the meantime, I hope you have friends and/or family to confide in. I hope you have somewhere you could go to stay (with DD and the dog) for a few days.

Take care of yourself.

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 16/04/2022 21:36

I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car

Why didn't you? Why the fuck are you protecting this man? Put your children first.

BlackAndPinkNose · 16/04/2022 21:37

OP I realise that this must be a hard read when you're so immersed in this situation, but you need to get away from this man.

You need to protect your children and dog.

stevalnamechanger · 16/04/2022 21:41

He should have been carted off !!!!

Arlophinius · 16/04/2022 21:42

Apologising will not make it any better. Plus if your 18 yr old is growing up witnessing that behaviour she will struggle with her emotional wellbeing in future as time goes on.

WonderfulYou · 16/04/2022 21:42

It’s the first time he’s brought one of the kids into it

It’s escalating as it always does.

You and your children have probably always been very passive and does whatever he wants.

He couldn’t cope that someone dared stick up for themselves around him.

That’s why he took the dog to keep your DD submissive as she now knows not to ever speak up again else he’ll kill the dog.

You have an opportunity to show DD that you love her and this is not how someone should be treated.

He is in the wrong but you are the one who can make the change.

longwayoff · 16/04/2022 21:57

'It's the first time' . . . Next time wasn't the first time, nor the time after that, nor after that and so forth. You cannot allow yourself, your daughter, your dog to be treated like this. You should have let them arrest him. Bullies like him react to one thing and that's something that scares them more than they scare other people. Don't allow it. What are you teaching your daughter? That it's OK to allow yourself to be terrorised once a year as it's 'only once a year'? He's an utter bastard.

Iflyaway · 16/04/2022 21:59

I can't believe that women are so desperate to be with a man - any man - that they are willing to put up with all kinds of abusive shite.

You are doing your children a great disservice OP, as well as your poor dog.

Supergirl1958 · 16/04/2022 22:03

@rogoueblue

I meant it’s the first time they’ve been brought into it physically.

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely reliant on him financially.

OP I’m worried about your safety! These seem to be getting progressively worse! The fact that you say you are financially dependent on him is also a worrying factor.

Get out, go to local housing, get yourself some financial advice from CAB and leave him!! Absolutely no excuse for that level of violence!!

Wildehorses · 16/04/2022 22:03

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely reliant on him financially.

How can this be when your youngest daughter is 18, surely you have a job or can get a job if not? If you want to have any kind of a relationship with your children (and grandchildren) in the future, you need to LTB

Supergirl1958 · 16/04/2022 22:05

Plus if it was worrying enough that a passerby called the police, just how aggressive was he!!

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 16/04/2022 22:07

So you are bothered about money.

I would live on the streets rather than let my children or pets be abused like this.

You had a chance to speak to the Police. Do it now and explain you were scared.

Prove to us you want this to change

Incognitomum11 · 16/04/2022 22:10

@rogoueblue

“I don’t know what to do, I’m completely reliant on him financially“

He knows this.
There is help out there, they know abusers often make their victims utterly reliant on them for everything.

The reason this only happens once a year is most likely because you are all conditioned to behave as he wants you to.
Women and children coming out of DV often suffer for years or life with PTSD, because of the calm times in between when they don’t know when the next outburst will come and always having to walk around on eggshells waiting for it…

As harsh as this sounds, if you don’t protect your daughter and leave this horrible man you are choosing him over her.

Silversprinkles · 16/04/2022 22:11

@rogoueblue

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time. It is about once a year, and you never know what’s going to trigger it.

I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

He deserved to be arrested because what he did was assault and abuse. You need to understand he is dangerous. He could kill you, intentionally or not, it doesn't matter, you (or your child) will still be dead.

Don't let this be what your daughter has as a model for relationships - or she could likely end up in an abusive relationship too.

KosherDill · 16/04/2022 22:14

So you'd let yourself, your offspring and your dog be punching bags rather than get a job and support yourself? I just don't understand that thought process. "Oh, it's only once a year."

The mistreatment of the dog alone is bad enough.

HampshireMutha · 16/04/2022 22:15

You need to ensure that your daughter is aware that she should not put up with abuse of that nature from anyone, let alone her dad. She will grow up thinking that is normal behaviour if you let it go unaddressed.

KosherDill · 16/04/2022 22:16

@WonderfulYou

It’s the first time he’s brought one of the kids into it

It’s escalating as it always does.

You and your children have probably always been very passive and does whatever he wants.

He couldn’t cope that someone dared stick up for themselves around him.

That’s why he took the dog to keep your DD submissive as she now knows not to ever speak up again else he’ll kill the dog.

You have an opportunity to show DD that you love her and this is not how someone should be treated.

He is in the wrong but you are the one who can make the change.

And when DD gets an abusive, asshole boyfriend she'll already know how to cower and placate him. It's just so sad.
Heronwatcher · 16/04/2022 22:16

Once a year is still too often. By this time next year you or your DD could be dead. You and your need to get out- have you got family you can go to? If not Women’s aid? This has made my blood run cold- but don’t take it from us google women who are murdered by their patterns and the pattern beforehand.

I think you also need to have a very frank discussion with your DD who is probably completely traumatised.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/04/2022 22:17

How old is your other dc, @rogoueblue ?

AnyCakeButBattenburg · 16/04/2022 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

LaingsAcidTab · 16/04/2022 22:27

@rogoueblue

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time. It is about once a year, and you never know what’s going to trigger it.

I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

Then I'm afraid it's on you, OP, because you're choosing to stay.
saraclara · 16/04/2022 22:29

@AnyCakeButBattenburg

You and your daughter have the chance to either leave or turf him out. I feel desperately sorry and worried for the dog, who only has a household of people all shouting and stomping about. Please, surrender him to a rescue. You 3 idiots deserve each other, your dog needs a better home.
WTAF?

I've already been finding it weird that there have been quite a number of people on this thread who have only posted concern for the dog. But your post is a doozy. You're even calling the DD an idiot and claiming that she deserved this?
Even if you think the OP is making an error, she doesn't deserve the physical attack she got either.

But yep, only the dog matters apparently.

OverTheRubicon · 16/04/2022 22:37

@AnyCakeButBattenburg

You and your daughter have the chance to either leave or turf him out. I feel desperately sorry and worried for the dog, who only has a household of people all shouting and stomping about. Please, surrender him to a rescue. You 3 idiots deserve each other, your dog needs a better home.
This type of message keeps women in bad relationships. OP, you and your daughter - and yes, definitely your dog - deserve so much better than this.

The clueless answers like this, or the ones being sniffy about financial dependence, just show how little understanding the posters have about how this type of relationship gets under your skin, and how many abusive men make extremely sure that their partner is not only financially dependent on them, but destroys their self belief enough that they the abused person can't see an alternative.

It can get better OP, call the police, and call women's aid. Get your daughter to do the same, and talk to her too. Maybe you can both get out together - it's also important that she sees you aren't normalising this. My mum let things go and I did the same, until I realised that I couldn't let my DCs be the third (or 4th, or 17th) generation to endure it. You can break the cycle, now is the time. If not, he'll feel bad, and you'll go out for dinner again, and this will begin to feel like a strange bad dream. I've lived it, I know it and you do too.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/04/2022 22:37

Well of course he does!!

If he "never happened" then he doesnt have to think about it and feel bad.

FWIW my ex "only" beat me up about once every 6 to 12 months, didnt stop him trying to kill me the last time it happened when the police removed him. Abuse isnt always the classic "every Saturday night when he comes in pissed and gives the wife a few slaps" stereotype that some people still peddle.

It is still abuse and even if the police left, depending on the age of your daughter, they may refer it to social services.

You really are underplaying this. Financially you will be able to claim UC, housing benefit etc and those of us who have been there will hold your hand and guide you through the process. But what you MUST understand is that by not removing your children from this situation you are culpable too.

It took me a long time to realise that by allowing my children to witness and hear the abuse, they were being abused too and that by not removing them from it, I was partly responsible. I couldnt stop him so I should have left him and I didnt and thats why I was also investigated by SS and it wasnt until it was very clear that there was no way he was coming back here (and hasnt since it happened 3.5 years ago) that they closed the case. Something to think about.