DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices).

This is actually really poignant.

You wrote it in such a matter-of-fact way, pointing out a ‘meh’ sort of detail, in a way that reveals it’s never even occurred to you that it’s strange. Not normal. Not OK.

Our dog doesn’t shake or get frightened by raised voices.

Or at least, she might, but I don’t know. Because she’s never heard them.

@AnyFucker

I will take the quote of the deleted post out so I can just say this again…

@Viviennemary Mumsnet should ban the fuck out of you

Seconded.

So you think he’s capable of killing your dog in front of you and your daughter but tell the police it’s fine? And you’re just worried he’s not said sorry.

He’s not a lovely man at all.

Poor dog🥹!!! My last dog used to shake with fear when there were any loud voices too so can only imagine the fear on its face. Leave that horrible horrible man he sounds vile!!

You lied to the police instead of protecting your dd and dog. Why do you lie to cover for him. You know he is abusing you and your DD. Do you want your dd to think this is normal and should be tolerated? because that is what you are doing and teaching her.

Oh @rogoueblue what an awful, awful situation for you to be in - I can only echo what most of the others have said, you’ve got to get back in touch with the police and report this honestly. Completely understand why you did what you did - saying something when the perpetrator is standing there is impossible. I hope you find the strength to report him and can get in touch with woman’s aid - things don’t have to be this way.

I don’t have any experience of DV to a person - but I did rescue a dog from a DV situation when the lady found the strength to leave - her husband would get home from work and beat the dog until she cried, then he’d hit her - and when the dog tried to protect his mistress he’d turn on him again. That little dog was a wreck when I took him, it took him months to fully become the wonderful, loving little chap he ended his life as - and the thought of what he went through haunts me even now. He developed epilepsy in the end - the vet said it was highly likely to be because of the beatings he’d had in the past. I don’t know what happened to the girlfriend- I hope she managed to get the help she needed.

Please don’t any of you be a statistic - our job as parents is to protect - they need you now

OP please, please get help from women's aid and the police. You thought your dog could have died at his hands that night. Your daughter deserves a house where she doesn't have to lock herself in the bathroom to avoid domestic violence. You deserve that.

He deserved to be carted off in that police car last night. Please get help before he actually kills one of you 'next year'. It only takes one more rage for this to be a death sentence. It could be next year. It could be in six months. Unless you stop him.

I wish you the best of luck getting out of this. Find your strength. It is in there I promise.

OP you keep saying it is only once a year. Once in a fucking lifetime is once too many. Why can't you see this?

Pity the dog did not bite him.

Once a year or not that once is too much. If you stay your DD will hate him and you as well. Don't fail her when he's already failing her.

@rogoueblue

It’s the first time he’s brought one of the kids into it

You owe it to your DD to make it the last.

Do you want her to think it’s ok for her future partners to do that to her?

You say he does this once per year- you say you've been together at least ten years so that's 10 times at least he has done this. It impacts your children, your dog- he's now been physically abusive. It's so bad passerby rang the police.

This maybe your normal but it's not normal, it's definitely not ok.

There is absolutely no reason to stay with an abuser, and if you don't address it then it becomes acceptable. It's not.

Please I was a victim of domestic abuse myself I let it happen for two years before I realised that his behaviour wasn't normal. And the trigger was him hurting me in front of my child. He has done exactly the same to you- oh and the verbal abuse and the terrifying atmosphere when you don't quite know what he's going to do- to me that was more traumatic than the physical abuse. I'm six years away from that life and I am still frightened.

You can't let this lie. You must go to the police.

I’m so sorry OP.

This is getting worse, isn’t it? It didn’t used to be physical, now he’s pushing and shoving and threatening to punch you in the face and was going to do something to the dog, presumably kill it as what else was there, he wasn’t taking it for fun was he!

Start planning a path to escape him. I get that you are reliant on him financially. So you need a job and a place to run to. Women’s Aid can help you find a place in a refuge, or maybe DD and you can get jobs and then rent somewhere (secret location) together?

Please don’t stay. One day he’ll probably snap and kill you but even if he doesn’t, you are training your daughter right now what a husband should be. Please teach her that the only response to abuse is to leave.

I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

Pity he wasn’t. You should have spoken up.

I’m not saying that to downplay it

But you are downplaying this behaviour. It is obvious to every poster on here except you that you are minimising it. You have no idea how this is impacting your children. You are setting a poor example to them by brushing this abusive behaviour under the carpet. You are telling them that this is OK. Surely, you must realise from the horrified responses that this is not normal or acceptable.

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely reliant on him financially.

Do you not work?

I’m in disbelief at some of the despicable victim blaming comments in this thread, eg “I do judge you for staying in the relationship when you have kids” WTF? It’s 2022 - are we really still doing that?

OP, you need to get away from this man. You’re being gaslighted into believing what happened is not a big deal. This is how women and children end up being killed. Please seek help - there is some really good advice here. Go to Women's Aid and the police. Really hope it all works out for you

He used your dog because it wouldn't or couldn't fight back. That's inexcusable in my book.

What an awful situation you are in. Although I understand why you backed down when the police were there, it was a grave error. The advice earlier to call 111 and discuss the incident is a good one. This man will not stop his abusive behaviour without intervention. You must protect yourself and your daughter. It’s awful that they have witnessed violence and abuse, this could effect their own family life in years to come. You must put a stop to it by getting help. Now.

YOU HAVE A DUTY OF CARE TO YOUR CHILDREN AND THAT POOR DOG.

Once a year is once too many times.

What on earth our you teaching your children?? 😔😪

Leave. Just reading that is terrifying and gave me anxiety. I couldn't live with a man who put my kids or pets in danger like that nevermind myself.

He pushed you both onto the bed, pinned you down and threatened to punch you. He should have been carted away in that police car without a doubt.

Leave him, OP. He sounds like an abusive man and I would be worried about what’s coming next.

God, what an awful place to be in OP. You really need to get out of that. Your DD, your dog, you. That's an insane situation you've described. Yet you seem to be wondering how to deal with it as a relationship issue.

Work/ booze aren't enough to explain behaviour that messed up. You and your daughter are not safe. Get out, get help.

God that poor dog. Who will always be terrified of him now. It’s sickening how you are living. So

I just can’t get my head round why any woman sits their and protects a violent abuser and says well it’s only once a year.

I just can’t.

@rogoueblue

I meant it’s the first time they’ve been brought into it physically.

I don’t know what to do, I’m completely reliant on him financially.

Ah missed this,

And there we have it, why you protect him, it’s money.