DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

@Glittersparkle76

I feel more sorry for the dog,you and your daughter have the choice whether to stay or leave but the poor dog doesn't.Hes found your weak spot with the dog and he WILL use the dog again to scare you when he kicks off again.No wonder the dog is scared of raised voices.I don't know how you've allowed him to still be in the house with you and your daughter and that poor traumatised dog.Anyone who did that to my dog or child would have their balls chopped off and be out the door.

No they wouldn't, but you would likely be dead. That's not how real life works, it takes years to program someone to accept this shit. Stop with your fantastical solutions that bear no resemblance to reality

The fact that the dog shakes and gets frightened when he hears raised voices breaks my heart.

Please report him yourself, OP, this is totally unacceptable, I don’t care that it only happens once a year. I would ask him to leave. I could not have that near my dc/animals.

Your husband is weak willed, nasty and spiteful and whilst he may have just summoned up enough self control this time to not punch you, your daughter or the dog, there is no telling when he will next lose his self control and go berserk.

He’s volatile and unpredictable and you and your children and the dog need to get well away from him.

@Catlady2021

And this is where the police will be criticised if the OP ends up dead.They were called to a domestic, and the wife said everything was ok. The police leave.

Classic story we hear about all too often.

This is why police are training to adjust their responses and everyone else is trying to raise awareness and support. Such a pessimistic attitude is not helpful. If they cannot arrest it's best not to escalate the situation and monitor

Well the tone from some of you lot will ensure the OP never comes here for support again. So much victim blaming going on here.

Yes its fucking horrible that the DD witnessed this, its horrible that any of it happened. But that's the nature of domestic abuse isn't it? Innocent people get terrorised in their own home, the OP being one of those innocent people. The only person here deserving of a verbal bashing is the dickhead husband.

What's the horrid tone to the OP about? That old 'have to be cruel to be kind' rubbish?

As somebody who has been through DV, I can tell you first hand how impossible it feels to speak the truth when a neighbour or somebody else calls the police, when the abuser is stood right there.

OP, I do think the best thing you can do for you and your family is to contact the police and ask to rectify the version of events you corroborated when they came to your house. You deserve so much better than to be abused, it doesn't matter if its once a year or once per decade. Its not OK.

Womens aid can help you.

It's a daunting prospect starting over, but it's so worth it

Op I hope you find the strath within you to leave as I know you know that’s the right thing to do
Take strength form your children they will help you through

Your dogs reaction makes it clear this is not an annual event, it only gets bad enough that you're scared about yearly.
The rest of the household is likely scare far more often

In my childhood we’d never heard a swear word, though my DF was an alcoholic and my mum asked him to leave when I was 5 and got a divorce.

Stepdad moved in (he was a lodger in our house) and he won over DM. He encouraged her to do A levels etc which was good. He was 10 years younger than DM though and said later he was probably too young to take on a woman with children. I recall with his rages that I used to have nightmares about him crawling in through the downstairs lean to toilet window and attacking us. My brother and I used to cling to each other when DP’s were arguing saying we wished it would stop. My DM still won’t agree she was wrong to stay with Him. At one point she said he’d get half the house and she didn’t want that. They weren’t married either and she paid the mortgage but he did pay rent. My nana (mum’s mum) always thought he was a brick/DM’s rock for taking us on, DB suffered with chronic asthma as a child, but I don’t think she knew what went on, or it was played down.

It did affect me as an adult. I find it hard to admit to it now, but yes it affected me. I didn’t want kids in case I treated them like how I was smacked etc. And as I stated before we were normal kids, fairly good in fact.

Bloody hell OP. I’m not one of the ones to jump on these post & intently post you must leave him. But in this case, WTF are you doing? You should never be threatened or treated like that. It is abuse whether it’s once a year or once a day. No decent man would ever pin a woman down & threaten to hit them. Nor threaten violence to an innocent animal. And the fact he did it in front of his child is even more inexcusable.

Leave him. For your sake, for your daughters sake. & for the love of god make sure she knows that no man should ever raise a finger to her.

Please OP don't let this go.
You owe it to your children, and to yourself.
It is not OK.
At the moment you are saying to your children that it is OK to live like this.
Please go backup the Police and tell them the truth.

You need to get some distance from him so you can get your thoughts in order. I grew up experiencing something very similar and it has caused me great harm mentally.

Please do the right thing.

If your children want a relationship with him he needs to consent to anger management and ongoing therapy.

The police sound rubbish tbh they know women are scared of telling the truth in front of the abuser

poor dog wont understand why its being terrorised

@rogoueblue

I have an older DD and son who have witnessed stuff like this as well, and it isn’t youngest DD’s first time. It is about once a year, and you never know what’s going to trigger it.

I was in shock when the police came round. I knew if I spoke up he’d be carted off in a police car.

So? He deserved it, the nasty little cunt.

Threads like this infuriate me-
What do you want us to say? You're allowing the abuse of your children and your dog.
Is this some kind of a joke to you? Your neighbours called the police- when will it be enough?
Get out and protect your children.

Unfortunately op, your husband sounds like a dangerous man and it’s unlikely he will change. I would be very afraid of how far he may go the next time he loses the plot. It’s awful for you and your daughter to live with this threat and the fact he went for the dog shows he’s capable of more violent behaviour. It’s natural for him to want to minimise what he’s done. It’s awful, ugly behaviour and he’s been well and truly caught out. The police will have seen this time and time again. Next time they may be calling an ambulance for you or your daughter, not walking away. I would be taking steps to leave him op and believe me, I don’t say that lightly. There’s nothing to be done to change a man like this.

Hey Op
God bless you, been were you are now and personally I think you’ve got a bit of a way to go before you make the move & flick the switch.
It’s absolutely right what everyone is saying abuse is abuse but that’s not the issue ‘you recognising it and having that moment of clarity when you say enough is enough.
We can all advise you but you’ve got to do it. It ain’t easy and you need to pull every ounce of courage to do it but boy will you thank yourself as too will your dd & dog.
I finally saw the light after 20 odd years but I’m now dealing with ptsd because I stayed too long I forgave I tried and I made excuses none of which made an ounce of difference.
But now despite having my issues I can breath I feel free and I don’t tip toe around anybody I’m just getting back to being me after all those years of misery.
You just need to see it for what it is, be honest with yourself and give your daughter a chance to nog fall into the trap you did by showing her you are far too good for this.
Get some counselling I can’t recommend it enough for you & your daughter it will really help you see the wood from the trees and make you stronger. Get all your ducks in a row & tell him no more on you go!
Get the police there when you do want him out if it helps and let them help you.
Until then I suggest you make note of your dh behaviour dates times, because I think if your honest as I say there will be a lot of shitty behaviour daily that is just not right, you just need help recognising it.
Good luck, be strong, there is a life out there I promise!

Time to call for help and get the hell out of there.

Call Women's Aid
Call a solicitor
Find out what benefits you can get

I will take the quote of the deleted post out so I can just say this again…

@Viviennemary Mumsnet should ban the fuck out of you

He pushed you and your daughter. He pinned you to the stairs and held his fist in front of your face. You were afraid he was going to kill your dog. The row was so bad the neighbours called the police. Are you seriously thinking of staying with this man? I’d go to the police to report this and apply to court for a barring order. It is serious.

@AnyFucker

I will take the quote of the deleted post out so I can just say this again…

@Viviennemary Mumsnet should ban the fuck out of you

Agree. They've overstepped so many times that surely a ban is only right?

I think there are probably a lot of other signs that you are so used to you are not recognizing in the build up to this. If he was really sorry about it all, he would not touch a drop of alcohol at any point. Please make a police report or contact womens aid as soon as possible. But do it carefully as you don't want to risk him seeing it. This cannot carry on, he will kill someone.

@AnyFucker

I will take the quote of the deleted post out so I can just say this again…

@Viviennemary Mumsnet should ban the fuck out of you

100%

@Anyfucker. Think we've found the not so D H...

Unfortunately Viviennemary is a regular poster who plops his/her misogyny on many threads