DH wants to pretend it never happened

[rogoueblue]

He does this about once a year, the rest of the time he’s lovely. I think all of the stress of work (he works self employed, 60 hour weeks in a physical job) etc builds up and he will have these implosions, they are also alcohol induced. The worst was 10 years ago when he threw a work boot at me.

Me and DD18 were having a petty argument about something last night. It was nothing big, just about how I wish she’d stop ordering takeaways to the house at all hours. We were squabbling. DD strops off to her room taking the dog with her (he shakes and gets frightened when there are raised voices). That would have been the end of it and it would’ve been forgotten about by the morning.

DH was sat on the sofa quietly, before he suddenly threw himself off the sofa and went pounding up the stairs. I knew he was starting so I chased him up there. He was yelling at DD and DD was screaming. He was shouting “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHY DO YOU START THESE ARGUMENTS” at her. She was holding the dog who was shaking in fright. He then grabs the dog roughly I think to punish DD, me and DD both jump into action to get the dog off him and we both get pushed onto the bed. He then goes downstairs with the dog who is crying in fright.

Me and DD follow him downstairs and DD keeps trying to get the dog off him, but gets pushed. Meanwhile he’s screaming about how we ruin his life. We both genuinely thought he was going to kill the dog in front of us to teach us a lesson. Eventually DD gets dog off him and runs upstairs, locks herself in the bathroom. I start screaming at him asking what the hell he was going to do to our dog and I get pinned down on the stairs with his fist to my face screaming he was going to punch me.

He then lets me go and goes up to the bedroom. 10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby. Me and DD were both in shock and he was there with us talking to them so we just said it was a family verbal domestic and there was nothing to worry about. The police left.

He now hasn’t apologised but wants to move on and pretend it didn’t happen but both me and DD feel distraught.

Oh ffs op. What are you doing?

You're teaching your dd and any other dc that this is acceptable in a relationship. You're lining them up for a life of abuse and domestic violence within a relationship. Because this is their norm..... Hell your dd already knows to lie to the police to protect a man. And that's all been taught by you.

Wake up ffs.

ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please read this
It describes him when he is not angry as well as when he is

I don't blame you for not talking to the police in front of him. Why didn't they separate you so you could talk discreetly? Call them back when you're out of earshot and safe and report it. It's not acceptable.

I feel more sorry for the dog,you and your daughter have the choice whether to stay or leave but the poor dog doesn't.Hes found your weak spot with the dog and he WILL use the dog again to scare you when he kicks off again.No wonder the dog is scared of raised voices.I don't know how you've allowed him to still be in the house with you and your daughter and that poor traumatised dog.Anyone who did that to my dog or child would have their balls chopped off and be out the door.

@PutinSmellsPassItOn

Oh ffs op. What are you doing?

You're teaching your dd and any other dc that this is acceptable in a relationship. You're lining them up for a life of abuse and domestic violence within a relationship. Because this is their norm..... Hell your dd already knows to lie to the police to protect a man. And that's all been taught by you.

Wake up ffs.

This is true. You can’t just let it go.

That is the furthest thing from ok and your DD shouldn't be in that environment he sounds u stable and capable of harming you . And to be honest you should of made a report telling the truth to the police that called you are enabling the situation by lying for him and god forbid he ever hurt either of you , you really need to think about your DDs safety .

10 minutes later the police arrived having been called by a passerby.

I wouldn’t have been a passerby.

It would have been a neighbour who’s heard it all before. But of course the police would say it was a passerby, for anonymity.

Fucking hell, OP. That is terrible.

I’m a shouter. I’m autistic and have meltdowns, I didn’t know why until I was diagnosed. So I have shouted at my partner but it’s rare and I always warn him that whatever he’s doing/whatever I’m feeling is getting too much. I would never ever raise a hand to him and I always apologise!! I am also working through it with my partner so he realises when to leave me alone when I’m overwhelmed. I would never shout at a child (we hope to have kids in 5 years or so) and I never shout anything mean. It’s usually “I can’t cope, it’s too much”.

It’s not the shouting that is the issue here. It’s all of the abuse, threatening violence, your children witnessing it. The poor poor dog. The fact he hasn’t apologised is even worse!! If he had a shred of respect for you he’d have gone with the police and hoped they could help him with some anger management

Time to stop being dependent on him. If DD is 18, you don't have childcare issues. Get yourself a job and give yourself some options.

What is wrong with you @Viviennemary

I’m not one of the LTB gang that dominate on here but there are several things that worry me. You started by justifying his inexcusable behaviours putting it all down to work stress. Loads of people have tough jobs with long hours but don’t regularly terrorise their family. You’ve exposed your children to this abuse so skewed their perception of what’s normal for family life. This is also why your husband thinks he can brush this under the carpet - you’ve allowed him to escape ownership previously so why should this time be different? He needs help, proper help or you need support to separate your life from his

@Viviennemary

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

You talk some shit sometimes but this is low, even for you.

Them having a trivial squabble between themselves in no way makes them responsible for him launching himself off the sofa, scaring the shit out of his daughter and dog and putting his first to his wife's face theatening to punch her.

I know I'm just going to get deleted for this and I'm sorry mnhq, I will take the inevitable bollocking you're going to email me without complaint but you, Vivienne, are a nasty piece of work.

OP this is so awful, and you know it. I'm not going to make you feel worse but you've brought your kids up to think this is ok. Your poor dog. Poor you! And your DD who had to witness it. I hope you're ok but you need to end this marriage.

Pinning you down with his fist in your face is not just a verbal argument. You need to report him and let the Police take action as necessary. Your husband sounds vile.

As @HelenMirrensWeightedBlanket, I’m 50
and though I’ve had relationships, been engaged etc I haven’t had children and I think I was affected by stepdad’s violent outbursts.

We were regularly smacked as children by him but we either didn’t tell mum or she smacked us too and we forgot. We weren’t bad kids either.

Once or twice a year usually after him doing DIY he’d flip and though he wouldn’t attack us then he’d jump up and down and scream and yell at us and yes, we’d be petrified. God knows why my DM forgave him but she was on her second marriage and was a single mother at the time. One time he actually went down to his seaside flat and I thought they’d broken up. But he returned.

I know now, because he denies everything re the smacking, that he’s a bully and wouldn’t have acted like this at work as someone else said. Alcohol also fuelled him. Have been over for dinner or when I lived there and been verbally attacked for being English (he’s Irish) in a drink fuelled rant/rage.

He’s not got worse as I’ve got older apart from not speaking to me for years until recently and that’s only after I made a scene when I went over.

I’d leave my partner if they ever did this and I actually think my DM is weak willed for staying with him but hey, having kids walking on eggshells because they don’t know when a parent will kick off is great for them. Not.

Please leave this abusive man. Let him rant and rage elsewhere. It’s his choice to work such long hours. We had the “Dstepdad isn’t happy at work” but he had a great job, was left alone to work and retired at 60 on a good pension.

Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, Viviennemary gotta...

Please do not listen to those saying you shouldn’t move on without an apology and a promise not to do it again.

Abuse is abuse whether it’s every day or once a year. This was not an argument or a domestic, it was abuse.

I’ve seen this from a family member. It isn’t ok. He hurt a poor animal who was shaking with fright. He did this in front of his children.
A good man wouldn’t do this.

I honestly wouldn’t put up with this. Your kids will be fucked up. Trust me. My in-laws are still dealing with this now . My sister in law. Her kids are scarred for life.

I’m worried for you and your family OP.

You are in an abusive relationship. The violence explodes once a year but the threat is always there - a nasty undercurrent.

This man cannot be trusted. Get the dog away from him. Poor animal does not deserve this.

Get you children away from this - they need to see you take a stand - this is not normal or acceptable behaviour. Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this? Would you want them to be either you or their father?

Ring women’s aid - get advice. It is 2022, you cannot allow yourself to be so dependent on a man that you are willing to put up with violence and threats. There is help out there.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. But remeber he has beaten you down.

Jesus OP, this was horrifying to read.

Not that I would excuse that either, but this isn't him raising his voice and calling some names out of frustration. He got involved in something that wasn't to do with him, deliberately threatened/hurt your animal, deliberately hurt both you and your daughter, and pinned you down threatening you. You genuinely thought he was going to kill your dog as a punishment to you both.

I think you know this but in case you're too shocked to realise: this is not normal. It is a long way along the path that men who end up killing their partners or family members travel. I'm not being dramatic: if you were to look at the statistics, the numbers show you (and your daughter) are at a much, much higher risk of being murdered by him given his behaviour.

Please, please get a free appointment with a solicitor about your options financially, and please speak to your daughter and tell her she needs to know this isn't okay and you're working on it. And then please tell someone close to you who can help you make plans to get out. Don't wait til his next outburst becomes worse.

And this is where the police will be criticised if the OP ends up dead.They were called to a domestic, and the wife said everything was ok. The police leave.

Classic story we hear about all too often.