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Original poster

What should a 3 month 'relationship' look like?

88 replies

Terigoround · 13/04/2022 20:33

Been with a guy for 3 months, live an hour apart. We see each other one evening a week usually (3 or 4 hours) and one Saturday pm every 2 or 3 weeks. Lots of texts in between.

He has a lot of hobbies and elderly parents, plus 2 DS he lives with (24 and 26, no sign of them moving out as both are unemployed).

He suggests when we meet and I agree - I have no commitments so can easily rearrange plans to see him. If I said I couldn't meet him when he suggested I wouldn't see him. Anything and everything I suggest has been declined due to his commitments.

I'm not sure if I'm being needy, wanting to see him more? I know that at 3 months I'm not a priority but I just get a little lonely and would like more meetings.

Not DTD - mainly as he's never been able to stay over - but discussed exclusivity etc and are on the same page. Been intimate in other ways.

He's great - we have a lot in common - but it just doesn't feel enough contact.

Would appreciate some thoughts - thanks 

OP posts:
Original poster
Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:48

@ErinAndTonic

I'm also wondering has he even given you his real name and what else could he possibly be lying/hiding about. Time to do a little detective work OP Smile
Yes, definitely real name and minor snooping confirms only him and DS living at his house.
OP posts:
IStandWithMaya · 13/04/2022 21:52

Maybe he's just a bit of a slow mover. Invite him for a weekend in a hotel.

Usernameismyname01 · 13/04/2022 21:55

Are you UK based? A bank holiday weekend is upon us, have you made plans to see him if not working? Could you maybe push him to do so?

HaggisBurger · 13/04/2022 21:57

He lives an hour away not a hempishere….

That’s very very odd and he’s either avoidant, in another relationship or very rigid in his habits.

I live an hour away from my bf and at that pt I was staying at his 2 nights every other weekend and seeing him at least once mid week (but not sleeping over as I have teens who don’t stay with their dad).

What you describe is not “normal” and you are certainly not abnormal for wanting more.

Musti · 13/04/2022 22:01

Sack him off. You want love and passion not a weirdo who can’t have sex with you and uses his very grown up kids not to see you. Raise your standards!!

DatingAWidower22 · 13/04/2022 22:07

I am dating and our situation is difficult with us both having children and being the main carers. We live about 40 minutes apart but always do our best to make time for each other. We aim for at least one afternoon a week and this involves usually lunch, a drink at the pub, a film and always some adult time. We have our first hotel booked for next week, which has been really hard to sort with the kids, but we both want it so made it happen. It’s hard but can be done, if parties are equally interested in putting in the effort

AncrenneWisse · 13/04/2022 22:09

I think relationships go at their own pace, and there is no real “should” about their progress. And I think the OP has identified the real issue: rigid in his habits.

I don’t think it is a matter of worrying how into you he is, or whether this relationship is more than casual.

The real question is, can you accept the rigid habits? Really I think it’s up to you. If you can be comfortable with that - and therefore with always (or at least usually) being the one to bend, then it is okay. If not, move on.

This is not a symptom of a relationship issue IMO. It is a symptom of him - that’s the way he is.

KosherDill · 13/04/2022 22:15

There's no reason a relationship MUST progress beyond casual companionship, in any amount of time.

But if you want more, you aren't going to get it from him. How did you meet? He sure sounds married to me.

ErinAndTonic · 13/04/2022 22:15

Even if he's not living with someone (though I'm not sure how you can really confirm that for sure), he could also be seeing other women.

It just all comes across a bit worrying especially the way he seems to structure everything to suit him, it doesn't seem very balanced or taking your feelings into account.

LightSpeeds · 13/04/2022 22:20

It sounds like he can't really be arsed with you. When you meet someone you're really keen on, you'll move heaven and earth to see them even for just half an hour.

This bloke sounds like he can barely move past apathetic. Either he's seeing someone else, married or he's not that bothered about you.

It's probably not doing your self-esteem much good...

User48751490 · 13/04/2022 22:20

Three months in you would expect to be getting rogered constantly as much as possible, at every available opportunity. I know we were never off the job😂

AncrenneWisse · 13/04/2022 22:22

And I think all this stuff about he is sure to be married is nonsense. With time and luck as he gets to know you better he’ll loosen up a little. And as you get to know him you may feel more confident his inability to change his routine is about him and not about you.

Sunnytwobridges · 13/04/2022 22:22

I'm far from needy but this just doesn't seem like enough time together. You don't even spend at least one whole day together. ANd it's weird you say you both can't find the time. His DCs are grown so I don't understand what type of commitments he has that would keep him from staying over at least one night a week.

I dated someone that lived an hour from me when my DD was about 13/14. About two weekends a month she would stay over at a friends house and I would spend those weekends with him. then the other weekends he came to mine or we just met up for a few hours on a Saturday and would have lunch one day during the week.

So you have no DCs, his are grown, I just don't think he likes you enough to want to spend time with you otherwise he would.

PlainJaneEyre · 13/04/2022 22:23

He's a middle aged man who wants to have a girlfriend but does not want to make any effort . Bin him - he's a dead loss. He should be fighting to get in your bed.

Original poster
Terigoround · 13/04/2022 22:40

@Sunnytwobridges

I'm far from needy but this just doesn't seem like enough time together. You don't even spend at least one whole day together. ANd it's weird you say you both can't find the time. His DCs are grown so I don't understand what type of commitments he has that would keep him from staying over at least one night a week.

I dated someone that lived an hour from me when my DD was about 13/14. About two weekends a month she would stay over at a friends house and I would spend those weekends with him. then the other weekends he came to mine or we just met up for a few hours on a Saturday and would have lunch one day during the week.

So you have no DCs, his are grown, I just don't think he likes you enough to want to spend time with you otherwise he would.

I can find the time easily, he can't.
OP posts:
Original poster
Terigoround · 13/04/2022 22:42

@AncrenneWisse

And I think all this stuff about he is sure to be married is nonsense. With time and luck as he gets to know you better he’ll loosen up a little. And as you get to know him you may feel more confident his inability to change his routine is about him and not about you.
Thank you for considering another perspective Smile
OP posts:
knowinglesseveryday · 14/04/2022 00:29

I wouldn't be happy with him; it all seems a bit odd. It's up to you, isn't it?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/04/2022 00:49

I can find the time easily, he can't

He could absolutely skip a gym session to see you though. So he could easily find at least a bit more time. He is actively choosing not to. You're showing him you're basically waiting to see if he's free and then jumping at the chance every time he deigns to grace you with his presence. Nah. Sack this one off mate.

Changemaname1 · 14/04/2022 00:53

Based on the title alone my answer was
“Shagfest”

I see that’s not happening

Bin him

Weatherwax13 · 14/04/2022 01:12

I would think it's pretty universal to be very excited about things by 3 months and to be making all kinds of effort to see each other.
Also a bit odd to not be DTD .
You're dissatisfied and bewildered enough to make this post. Which I think tells you all you need to know.
Regardless of whether he's already attached/has some hang up about sex/just simply isn't that interested, the result's the same: this isn't working for you.
You're one hour apart. It's not like he has to fly to the moon for a date.

Musttryharder2021 · 14/04/2022 01:36

Why are you so available? Don't you have anyone or anything to be committed to?

User310 · 14/04/2022 01:37

This sounds like casual dating. I would expect him to be alit more interested in spending more time together if it was progressing well. I am really not one for saying this but o would cut my losses with this one op.

PermanentTemporary · 14/04/2022 01:43

I live apart from my boyfriend and we really only meet at weekends due to our mutual commitments including my (older teenage) son at home. We sometimes miss weekends as well so there can be a fortnight between meetings. So I don't find it odd that you don't meet that often. However, at 3 months it was feverishly sexual. We stayed over at least one night each weekend and just delighted in each other.

If all these commitments are from before he met you, why not plan a weekend away together in a while? If he won't commit to that, then I'd ask him if he was interesting an exclusive relationship or whether it was more of a friendship.

movingsoon13 · 14/04/2022 02:05

At 3 months I would expect at least one nights stay a week, small getaways or days out every few weeks and maybe at least dinner an evening a week. Also at 3 months typically you should be dying to see one another and trying to spend lots of time together. What you've said is unusual and suggests your 'partner' just wants casual companionship rather than a relationship.

Bananalanacake · 14/04/2022 07:20

Why isn't he encouraging his sons to get jobs, is he happy for them to be lazy, sponging wasters.