Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

What should a 3 month 'relationship' look like?

88 replies

Terigoround · 13/04/2022 20:33

Been with a guy for 3 months, live an hour apart. We see each other one evening a week usually (3 or 4 hours) and one Saturday pm every 2 or 3 weeks. Lots of texts in between.

He has a lot of hobbies and elderly parents, plus 2 DS he lives with (24 and 26, no sign of them moving out as both are unemployed).

He suggests when we meet and I agree - I have no commitments so can easily rearrange plans to see him. If I said I couldn't meet him when he suggested I wouldn't see him. Anything and everything I suggest has been declined due to his commitments.

I'm not sure if I'm being needy, wanting to see him more? I know that at 3 months I'm not a priority but I just get a little lonely and would like more meetings.

Not DTD - mainly as he's never been able to stay over - but discussed exclusivity etc and are on the same page. Been intimate in other ways.

He's great - we have a lot in common - but it just doesn't feel enough contact.

Would appreciate some thoughts - thanks

OP posts:

HereForTheGloss · 13/04/2022 21:15

At 3 months in I'd have expected to have DTD, be staying over at each others houses at least 1 night a week and seeing each other 2-3 times a week at both houses.

His adult children in their mid 20's and the gym aren't "commitments", despite you appearing to buy into the idea that they are.

He's married, and/or is trying to hide or put off disclosing some sexual dysfunction, or just isn't that bothered about you.

CoconutQueen · 13/04/2022 21:17

It's very strange that you haven't been to his house after 3 months.

And he should WANT you. Be rearranging his "commitments", not to mention his whole life. If he wanted you.

Original poster

Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:19

@HereForTheGloss

At 3 months in I'd have expected to have DTD, be staying over at each others houses at least 1 night a week and seeing each other 2-3 times a week at both houses.

His adult children in their mid 20's and the gym aren't "commitments", despite you appearing to buy into the idea that they are.

He's married, and/or is trying to hide or put off disclosing some sexual dysfunction, or just isn't that bothered about you.

There's an hour between us though, it's not practical to stay over 2/3 nights a week.

OP posts:

Original poster

Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:20

@CoconutQueen

It's very strange that you haven't been to his house after 3 months.

And he should WANT you. Be rearranging his "commitments", not to mention his whole life. If he wanted you.

Should he be rearranging his whole life at three months in though?

OP posts:

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 13/04/2022 21:21

Can't find the time? What about your Saturday PM or evening midweek? If you want to you would find a way. You aren't 15 living at home. You're adults with homes, bedrooms or.means to stay in a hotel. I would become worried that there was an issue in that dept. How long do you wait if you really both want it?? Pin him down to a visit.

HereForTheGloss · 13/04/2022 21:21

I didn't say stay over 2-3 times a week, I said see each other 2-3 times a week.

Original poster

Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:23

@HereForTheGloss

I didn't say stay over 2-3 times a week, I said see each other 2-3 times a week.

Same thoughts really though - isn't that quite difficult to arrange after a full day a work?

OP posts:

HereForTheGloss · 13/04/2022 21:24

isn't that quite difficult to arrange after a full day a work?

Ok tbh you sound as uninterested as him. You only live an hour apart, not at opposite ends of the country. Some people's daily commute to work is longer than that.

CoconutQueen · 13/04/2022 21:26

An hour is not very far OP.

And yes, if you wanted each other, of course you would be rearranging your lives so you could see each other more.

Original poster

Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:27

@HereForTheGloss

isn't that quite difficult to arrange after a full day a work?

Ok tbh you sound as uninterested as him. You only live an hour apart, not at opposite ends of the country. Some people's daily commute to work is longer than that.

Sorry - I am interested, just not had a relationship with someone who doesn't live close by, when the meetings could be on a more ad hoc basis.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/04/2022 21:29

Should he be rearranging his whole life at three months in though?

I mean, he could rearrange which day / time he goes to the gym, yes. Absolutely.

Opentooffers · 13/04/2022 21:34

Why pick someone an hour away, that just males dating unnecessarily hard, and of neither up for relocating, it's rather pointless long term. End this, it's not progressing, time to move on. Either he doesn't want to see you, or he is too busy to be able to maintain a GF, either way it's no good. He's as tied as he wants to be - too much.

ErinAndTonic · 13/04/2022 21:35

This has affair written all over it. He tells his wife he's doing X activity on a certain night one night per week and then returns home after.

His kids are older and likely have their own lives and wouldn't care if he stayed out. I assume you've never been to his place either? Seems extremely suspicious to me.

Do you ever just call him out of the blue to chat? Have you met his wider family and friends? Is there anything about your relationship that shows it's not secretive on his side?

Original poster

Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:36

Thanks all, for your thoughts. Seems fairly unanimous!

Think I'll leave it until after Easter, have a conversation about where/what we are and if it's not looking good I'll move on.

I do want more; I'd like it to be with him but if not, well c'est la vie

OP posts:

Original poster

Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:37

@ErinAndTonic

This has affair written all over it. He tells his wife he's doing X activity on a certain night one night per week and then returns home after.

His kids are older and likely have their own lives and wouldn't care if he stayed out. I assume you've never been to his place either? Seems extremely suspicious to me.

Do you ever just call him out of the blue to chat? Have you met his wider family and friends? Is there anything about your relationship that shows it's not secretive on his side?

No to all the questions in your last paragraph...

OP posts:

Usernameismyname01 · 13/04/2022 21:37

At this stage I would be expecting the mid week meet up would be a stay over (come over after work, sleep over, go to work from there) and then either a Friday after work and go back home Sunday afternoon or meet up Saturday afternoon until Sunday night.

Any other commitments fit in around this. If he see his parents on Sunday, he goes hime Sunday morning etc if he goes to gym, he goes Saturday morning before coming to see you

Why are you scared of asking for him to commit to something more tangible?

ErinAndTonic · 13/04/2022 21:39

Then you can do much, much better than this idiot. I wonder if he's purposefully looked for the one hour distance to avoid bumping into you with her too.

Definitely kick him to the curb before you get more invested and get hurt. I'm sorry - sounds like he has really played you. I'm not sure how all of those things can't be red flags

Original poster

Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:40

@Usernameismyname01

Any other commitments fit in around this. If he see his parents on Sunday, he goes hime Sunday morning etc if he goes to gym, he goes Saturday morning before coming to see you

Why are you scared of asking for him to commit to something more tangible?

Because he's the first guy I've really liked, or felt a connection with, in five years of OLD

OP posts:

Usernameismyname01 · 13/04/2022 21:41

It does sound like he has another life going on as PP have said.

Have you looked him up on Facebook? Look his sons up?

ErinAndTonic · 13/04/2022 21:41

You could always test it out to see if he's genuine. Call him out of the blue and see what happens.. tell him you're in his area and would he like to meet for lunch.. ask for his address to send him something in the post.. then gauge his reaction to these things.

Usernameismyname01 · 13/04/2022 21:42

But he isn't giving you anything in return other than snippets of time that are not morphing in to a deeper connection

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 13/04/2022 21:44

Social media? Does he have FB or Instagram?

Original poster

Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:46

@AllThingsServeTheBeam

Social media? Does he have FB or Instagram?

No, nothing like that.

OP posts:

ErinAndTonic · 13/04/2022 21:46

I'm also wondering has he even given you his real name and what else could he possibly be lying/hiding about. Time to do a little detective work OP

Original poster

Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:47

@Usernameismyname01

But he isn't giving you anything in return other than snippets of time that are not morphing in to a deeper connection

Very true.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4