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Original poster

How to make it work if your DH is selfish?

146 replies

NCselfishmarriage · 13/04/2022 11:48

Looking for inspiration / tales of those who have made it work…

I’m in a v long relationship with DH, we have 3 kids under 7. We’ve recently had some marital issues (no cheating or anything just not getting on) and after marriage counselling etc I’ve realised that the core problem for me is that he is a selfish person, and will never ever put me first unless all his needs are taken care of. This first manifested itself when our first, high needs, baby was born and I was on the floor with exhaustion (went back to FT at 4 months) and probably PNA / borderline PND and he utterly failed to show up for me in any way shape or form. This has continued on, with some big examples but also everyday small ones eg if we both go out late, I am always the one to get up early with the kids while he sleeps in until 10am because he’s “tired”, if we’re on hols and we get to the airport he will peel off straight away to go to the loo & get a coffee while I get the kids sorted and then he’ll appear 5mins before boarding and get shirty that we’re late when I try to down a coffee in 2 mins. Just tiny things but they’re cumulative and I’m now so aware of the pattern I can’t unsee it.

BUT. We are 20 years in with 3 kids, and there’s lots of good stuff. I don’t want to split up. I want to just figure out how to manage my own expectations and accept the man I’ve married.

Any tips? (And yes yes LTB but I’m wondering for those who do decide to stay how you manage it. FYI we have a very nice life, no money issues, great sex life etc etc.)

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 13/04/2022 11:57

He's doing something that makes the relationship not work, and you're looking for how to fix it.

Do you not see that this will just be even more of you compromising so that he gets his own way?

ZenNudist · 13/04/2022 12:03

What is he willing to do to fix it? You are offering him no red lines or consequences for bad behaviour. Is this how you parent your dc? Thought not.

ZenNudist · 13/04/2022 12:03

Ps I'm sorry you are in this shitty situation

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/04/2022 12:05

Did he reflect on his behaviour during the marriage counselling?

PerseverancePays · 13/04/2022 12:21

I would read the book 'how to talk so kids will listen' or words to that effect. It will give very specific strategies for setting up problem solving around behaviours. You want his focus to change and this will do it. I did it with my three children as a lone parent. Children are extremely self centred and the system allowed my children to learn to anticipate when stuff needed to be done. Nothing short of miraculous in my view!

JangolinaPitt · 13/04/2022 12:23

@PerseverancePays

I would read the book 'how to talk so kids will listen' or words to that effect. It will give very specific strategies for setting up problem solving around behaviours. You want his focus to change and this will do it. I did it with my three children as a lone parent. Children are extremely self centred and the system allowed my children to learn to anticipate when stuff needed to be done. Nothing short of miraculous in my view!
Good advice!!!
Drinkingallthewine · 13/04/2022 12:25

If you want to stay, I think you need to assume that you'll never get your needs met by him and plan your own arrangements accordingly.

So, in your example of the airport - well, if you assume he'll fuck off until the last minute, you won't be surprised when he does, and furthermore, you'll have factored that in to your plans.

He's not going to give you a break with the kids, so if you want a lie in, draft in someone else to do that favour for you or go stay with your mum /sister /friend for a weekend when you need another adult to support you.

Equally, let him crack on with his selfish behaviour on his own and you sort out you and the kids without pandering to him either. Put the barest effort into any things you do for him - so a basic voucher in a card for his birthday or Christmas and match the effort he makes for you.

It might work for you. But I think over time it will erode your feelings for him, so while you may not want to LTB just yet, bear in mind that someday, you might. So begin your back up plan for how that could look, whether that's having a small amount of savings in your own name, upskilling and securing better employment or whatever. That way, you can choose to stay, but also have the resources to leave if future you feels like his selfishness has become intolerable and to avoid being trapped in a horrible situation.

MongoOnlyPawnInGameOfLife · 13/04/2022 12:27

Presumably you discussed the fact that he is selfish and inconsiderate during your counselling sessions? How did he react?

AntarcticTern · 13/04/2022 12:29

Does he want to make it work and is he willing to make any changes? Did he take any responsibility for his behaviour in the counselling sessions?

Triffid1 · 13/04/2022 12:39

So, you've come to this conclusion as a result of marriage counselling? What does he say to this accusation? Does he agree? Does he want to do anything about it? Because it seems to me that if this is the core of your problem, you're not going to be happy long term. There are things about DH I don't particularly like. I assume he feels the same about me. None of them are central to our respective happiness. The things that are really important to us, the other one meets (or, at least tries to meet).

But if you're determined, then the only way is to lower your expectations. I read a woman on here for example who said that her and her DH simply cannot travel together. He is a faffer and drives her crazy. So they now book separate routes for holidays. Her and the DC go in one car/plan etc, and he does his own thing. Perhaps you take a similar approach.

I do think the only way there's even a small chance this can work is if you stop doing things for him though. Because otherwise if you continue to help him out, you're going to get more and more resentful.

Pinkorchid23 · 13/04/2022 12:42

Shouldnt he be the one posting on here trying to make an effort to fix his own issue.

You cant make someone change and you solve a problem for them.

Shoxfordian · 13/04/2022 12:44

I don’t think you can change him or fix it

You either put up with it or don’t

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2022 12:48

What great awakening did your husband have due to the counseling? What changes are he going to make to support you better?

Oh right, he's going to do fuck all. You're the one responsible for everything, per usual.

Sorry, op, I could not waste one more day on a man this selfish. I know far tooany women who have, and not one of them hasn't regretted it.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2022 12:48

*too many

Buyitinbamboo · 13/04/2022 12:51

Realistically, if its not LTB then its don't rely on him at all for anything.

Not the same but I used to rely on DH to take care of the kids whilst I work but he never actually took care of them (they would pop in every 5 mins, I would be making lunch etc, whilst he would watch tv) so I stopped, and we pay for childcare now or I go into an office because I can't trust him to actually let me work at home.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 13/04/2022 12:54

I'd be racing to the loo in the airport if I was you. "I'm dying to go, byeeeeeee, I'll meet you in the bar order me a Prosecco thanks" or stay in bed until he gets up. You've choices, you pull back massively and start saying "no, you can't have a lie in", Or "no bring a kid to the loo" and come back. You stay as you are, or you leave. What will never happen is him deciding to change by himself, so defo don't wait for that.

Toomanyradishes · 13/04/2022 12:54

Is he thoughtless, or selfish?

For example if you asked him to get up earlier with the children would he? When he goes off to the toilet at the airport if you specifically say please come back quickly I need a hand would he?

I mean either way I would personally struggle in that relationship and you shouldn't have to always ask, but I guess there is fundamentally a difference between a person who would make sure you got a lie in if you asked, and one who would refuse. The first over time might become a better partner, the second essentially doesnt give a fuck about you.

What did he get from marriage counselling? Did he come out with any ideas to change?

The problem is to accept this you basically need to put aside your self respect and your intrinsic believe in yourself as an equal human being, which is not healthy.

KILM · 13/04/2022 12:58

I mean... its your life OP but does it not make you sad to think of your kids ending up with partners like their dad because they think its normal because thats the relationship model they've had? If you stay with him how would you counteract this - them seeing healthy relationships in aunts/uncles or grandparents occasionally wont counteract this. So sorry you're having to deal with this and that you think its even your problem to solve.

femfemlicious · 13/04/2022 13:02

Since you dont want to leave, if you can afford it get in more outside help. Maybe get someone in to come in early to be with the kids at the weekend whilst you stay in bed. Get a cleaner twice a week etc etc

WeSellAnyBra · 13/04/2022 13:02

This is really sad and sounds very lonely for you.

I understand why you want to ‘make it work’ but unfortunately I think if you stay in this relationship you have to accept your needs won’t be met and you’ll be unhappy. He won’t change and changing your own boundaries to unhealthy ones that mean you basically put up with being treated badly sounds like a very damaging thing to do.

I know that’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

BlingLoving · 13/04/2022 13:06

my question is what happens if you specifically ask for help? I mean, you shouldn't have to, but let's say you're out and you're both tired, and you say, "you get up with the DC"? Does he do it but with such bad grace you're punished for daring to ask him? (that's abuse, FYI)? Or does he just ignore you (that's just mean)?

Because I'm struggling to understand how this relationship is otherwise good. When you consider that most wedding speeches are all about how the other person makes the speech giver BETTER etc... it does seem like a basic tenant of a good relationship - to be kind to each other and make an effort to make life better for the other one.

FetchezLaVache · 13/04/2022 13:06

He acts as if the children are 100% your responsibility and 0% his, which means he's misogynistic as well as utterly selfish.

Does he accept that the examples you give in your OP are totally unfair? Because if he doesn't, you're on a hiding to nothing.

I used to be married to one like this. I get two lie-ins a week now. :)

RightOnTheEdge · 13/04/2022 13:06

How very depressing Sad
You say there's lots of good things and you don't mind a future living like this but what about him not bothering to get up with his children or help with them in the airport? Do they deserve a dad like that?
Don't you worry about the example you are both setting for their future relationships?

dworky · 13/04/2022 13:09

DIVORCE

girlmom21 · 13/04/2022 13:09

What were his realisations from the counselling?

What's he willing to do to improve things?

How does he feel about you thinking he's selfish?

If there's no answer to any of those questions the counselling hasn't worked.

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