How to make it work if your DH is selfish?

[NCselfishmarriage]

Looking for inspiration / tales of those who have made it work…

I’m in a v long relationship with DH, we have 3 kids under 7. We’ve recently had some marital issues (no cheating or anything just not getting on) and after marriage counselling etc I’ve realised that the core problem for me is that he is a selfish person, and will never ever put me first unless all his needs are taken care of. This first manifested itself when our first, high needs, baby was born and I was on the floor with exhaustion (went back to FT at 4 months) and probably PNA / borderline PND and he utterly failed to show up for me in any way shape or form. This has continued on, with some big examples but also everyday small ones eg if we both go out late, I am always the one to get up early with the kids while he sleeps in until 10am because he’s “tired”, if we’re on hols and we get to the airport he will peel off straight away to go to the loo & get a coffee while I get the kids sorted and then he’ll appear 5mins before boarding and get shirty that we’re late when I try to down a coffee in 2 mins. Just tiny things but they’re cumulative and I’m now so aware of the pattern I can’t unsee it.

BUT. We are 20 years in with 3 kids, and there’s lots of good stuff. I don’t want to split up. I want to just figure out how to manage my own expectations and accept the man I’ve married.

Any tips? (And yes yes LTB but I’m wondering for those who do decide to stay how you manage it. FYI we have a very nice life, no money issues, great sex life etc etc.)

@NCselfishmarriage sadly, you only have to read the threads here to see how many men behave selfishly. My XH was one of them, to the extent that he was happy to uproot the family regularly in pursuit of career progression. We divorced over this in the end, and I'm much happier (less angry, less resentful) without him. But I know you're here looking for solutions, so that's not a very helpful thing for me to write.

It’s helpful @ElegantPuma, I’m trying to gauge whether it’s possible to manage through this / keep a lid on the resentment. so all perspectives welcome!

Dear Op,

There is much l can relate to with your post.

I was married to a man who would step up at times as long as their needs were being met. He actually quite liked playing the ‘saviour’ role as he got kudos from it.

It meant that for all the times he was selfish, l could find examples when he had actually been rather lovely. So l became entangled in a web of fog and confusion. Just how bad was he?

Like yours, if l tried to ‘outselfish’ him, l would be accused of being distant and ‘damaging the marriage’ . This had the desired effect of guilt- tripping me back into line.

He wasn’t so bad in airports although l was always having to be the adult on holidays eg having all tickets, passports, scanning departure boards while everyone else relaxed.

I hated food shopping with him though as he would disappear, l would get on with the essentials and l would ALWAYS find him in the wine aisle, nose deep reading the small print of various bottles. In the end l went without him - it was less aggravating.

So l put up with him for years, often feeling intensely irritated by him, thinking he wasn’t that bad and reminding myself of his good points.

But l was squashed by the marriage and was twisting myself into an emotional pretzel trying to rationalize his behaviour.

The marriage imploded when he confessed to some historic infidelities. According to him it was all just a terrible mistake and not really him and a long time ago and he had been a wonderful husband so could he say sorry and be forgiven and can we get back to normal.

It was like a Pandora’s box had been opened. I was so angry and he simply couldn’t understand the impact on me and felt l was over reacting. I can now see that my anger reflected decades of suppression and also an anger at myself for staying with him for so long and devaluing myself.

All l would say to you is that you can continue to squash down your lovely self and right now you have children to bring up. I am not sure l would have left my ex when the boys were small. But you only have one life and there may come a point, maybe some years in the future, where his selfishness reaches a new low and you simply can’t excuse it anymore.

@Whatdirection thank you for your story. I’m sorry your marriage ended that way, it must have been brutal.

I can relate to tickets at airports etc - although my H will always carry his own passport & ticket, I just carry me & kids passports (9 of them as we are all triple citizens so a lot of passports!) and tickets. Always.

I hear what you’re saying about the future. I’ve actually discussed this with my therapist - she thinks there is a strong chance things will get better as the kids get older as she points out there is a lot of good stuff in our relationship and I can reclaim a bit more of my independence as kids get older and sort of rebalance my relationship. But it’s a risky thing.

NCselfishmarriage the thing is when my exH confessed to me, it was the start of the fog clearing. He had to work very hard to get the marriage back on track and he just couldn’t do it - all our marriage he had more or less had a set up that suited him while l did much of the adulting. Once l stepped away, he didn’t have the capacity to step up.

It Is now a year since l left, and l am not going to pretend that things haven’t been very tough BUT l am out of the worst now and l feel so free and happy. Not having to bend and twist to a selfish man is sooooo liberating.

It’s true when kids are little, you are very much in the eye of the storm and things will naturally ease in time. Life always throws challenges at us though. Kids grow up and we need to support them in different ways, we age, parents need more help, there can be job issues, health issues, menopause, changing sex drives, money issues, relocating, death of parents, retirement and so on.

A selfish man will always be a selfish man.

I too was always the adult, I did everything for the family. Luckily my kids appreciated me and noticed the difference between their parents.
My kids grew and left, I became ill and he had an affair.
And that was the end of a 30yr relationship. Eternally selfish

@Whatdirection, I remember your thoughtful posts and the fog lifting in your writing.

I am glad to read that you are coming out the other side and life is good.

I hope your son's are well too.

@forrestgreen I am sorry to hear that. Weirdly at this point I think I am much more vulnerable to an affair - I feel as I pull away a little bit my DH is rushing in to make sure I’m his, and I could fall into the arms of someone who makes me feel more equal. Which is not a good thing, btw.

I can relate to so much of this. We both worked full time but it felt like it was me having to take all the emotional load as well. Weekends he’d either lie in or get up early to run whilst I got both children to activities. If I asked for a lie in I would get interrupted or if I wanted to go to the gym early I was told to go in the afternoon.

I remember one holiday being left with both kids on the plane whilst he sat in the row behind drinking with friends we were travelling with. I got to the point where I did all days out solo and just got accused of being a nag if I tried to ask him to help.

I am now with someone who is the total opposite and look back and think how did I tolerate such poor behaviour for so long (we were together over 20 years too so I get that it’s hard after such a long time)? If you do want to stay then I agree you have to find a way to manage things without him and lower your expectations. I personally wish I’d left years ago though

[quote NCselfishmarriage]@forrestgreen I am sorry to hear that. Weirdly at this point I think I am much more vulnerable to an affair - I feel as I pull away a little bit my DH is rushing in to make sure I’m his, and I could fall into the arms of someone who makes me feel more equal. Which is not a good thing, btw.[/quote]
This is telling you a lot IMHO - you have a significant need to be in a caring relationship and this need is not being met here. Seems the “selfish” acts run deeper and basic kindness and respect is lacking.

All l would say to you is that you can continue to squash down your lovely self and right now you have children to bring up. I am not sure l would have left my ex when the boys were small. But you only have one life and there may come a point, maybe some years in the future, where his selfishness reaches a new low and you simply can’t excuse it anymore.

@Whatdirection

I had such a similar experience myself. Selfish, selfish partner, prone to blaming/criticising me and dismissing/invalidating any issues I brought up. I would ask him to contribute, he would always find an excuse for why he couldn't possibly help in the way I asked (never offered any suggestions of his own of course) and if I kept suggesting different ways he could contribute he would accuse me of being controlling, having unreasonable expectations, being a perfectionist, wanting everything my way, etc. Very confusing, as he was essentially attacking me by pretending that I was attacking him.

One day I discovered an incident of significant over-spending which led to finding massive financial infidelity. He admitted it (under questioning – never admitted a detail I hadn't already worked out). He did stop, and felt this should automatically solve the problem.

But for me, the scales had fallen from my eyes and I was finally able to see and acknowledge how incredibly selfish he was. In the past I had struggled with self-doubt about whether I might be asking too much, gave him the benefit of the doubt and rationalised his excuses to myself, but once I had on-paper evidence of how capable of lying to my face and utterly prioritising himself over me and the kids he was, I realised all his past excuses were bullshit designed to excuse himself from living up to the responsibilities he willingly took on as an adult and a parent.

For me, it was done then. Can't believe I wasted so many years on him.

OP, be aware that selfishness on the scale you are talking about can run very deep. You may not think your husband capable of a significant financial or intimate betrayal but men like this can always come up with a reason to justify to themselves selfish behaviour that meets their needs.

Your husband claimed he felt 'unloved' and that you were 'cold' when you tried behaving exactly the same way he does – this strategy is often a precursor to him starting an emotional/physical affair, for which he will blamed you 'not being there for him'. This will likely further justify antagonistic behaviour during a divorce where he tries to keep every dollar he possibly can from you.

Oh he would undoubtedly be horrifically selfish in a divorce. As things stand I’d likely have to pay him some cash as I think I have more capital at this point. But he’d fight. And fight for kids too - it’s one of the reasons I don’t want to divorce, I’d be stuck in the US on a no doubt rigid contact schedule with zero family nearby. @CheekyHobson am sorry you went through that.

@DFOD I know .

Wow, sounds familiar...XH just had a week of work, so I covered for him (own business) which meant working 65 hrs. To allow me time work he had the dc all week, usually 50/50. He has complained all week he's had no time to himself. Because I like having my dc I said I'd have them back early and ask my mum to help, so he could have some time to himself. His response? "Hardly time to myself, I've got loads to do", so basically I can't win, and never have been able to, hence we divorced!

@NCselfishmarriage

Oh he would undoubtedly be horrifically selfish in a divorce. As things stand I’d likely have to pay him some cash as I think I have more capital at this point. But he’d fight. And fight for kids too - it’s one of the reasons I don’t want to divorce, I’d be stuck in the US on a no doubt rigid contact schedule with zero family nearby. *@CheekyHobson* am sorry you went through that.

@DFOD I know .

What can you do about this - engineer a move back to your home country and then divorce there?

I don’t see how you would be worse off if you divorced him now in the US if he doesn’t pull his weight? Seems like you and your DCs are living and breathing a sad, uncaring, resentful existence - don’t underestimate how this seeps into you all and erodes your spirit over time - it might well be a huge refreshing relief to move on.

If he isn’t providing financially, practically or emotionally what is his purpose - apart from being an additional draining weight?

@DFOD he does provide practical support, it’s just begrudging and against a backdrop of it all being a big imposition on his time, quality of sleep etc. I’d find it v hard to do my job with travel, late finishes etc if I didn’t have him around. (And him with me around vice versa!) And I’m also worried about family travel - me and the kids come back to the U.K. for sometimes long periods of time when they’re on school hols and I don’t think he’d permit that if we weren’t together.

[quote NCselfishmarriage]@DFOD he does provide practical support, it’s just begrudging and against a backdrop of it all being a big imposition on his time, quality of sleep etc. I’d find it v hard to do my job with travel, late finishes etc if I didn’t have him around. (And him with me around vice versa!) And I’m also worried about family travel - me and the kids come back to the U.K. for sometimes long periods of time when they’re on school hols and I don’t think he’d permit that if we weren’t together.[/quote]
You could replace his practical support alongside added benefit of cheerful positive approach with an au pair / nanny rather the resentment which your children will likely always sense, absorb and internalise.

@NCselfishmarriage I'm sorry I know you asked for stories of those that made it work. I did for many years and it has cost me so much. I am also married to a selfish man - we have been together since I was 17, 27 years now. Before kids, I was fully in his service meeting all of his needs. After kids, my eyes started to open and see his selfishness and how everything was about him and his needs. He is involved with the kids - he stayed home with him with a few years after I went back to work. But...he delegated parenting to my older child. She would get my younger one up and dressed and ready for school, and he would roll out of bed 10 minutes before it was time to leave for school and shower and get himself dressed. And woe betide those kids if they weren't ready. They are both damaged by this in different ways.
At first I stayed because we were living abroad and if we had separated he would lost his residency. Then we moved, I stayed because I could not imagine being there as a buffer between him and the kids.
Over the years, the selfish behaviour resulted in growing resentment - I kept score/track of all the shitty things and all the ways he was useless. I felt like I had another child. You can imagine how this affected any intimacy and totally ruined our sex life.
We tried counselling about 5 years ago - I realised the only way we could make it work was if I could let go of all of the resentment and just start again and accept him for who he was. So we tried - that lasted...not very long.

I finally asked him to leave a couple of weeks ago after finding he had betrayed my trust in a way I could not see past.

I feel free and happy - and I regret all of those years that I knew I should leave and I talked myself into staying.

I know it is hard to walk away from 20 years of history, I still have moments when I bawl my eyes out over what I have lost. But he ground me down and made me miserable and was never going to change.

How does he react, NC, if you tell him you feel uncared for? That no one is looking after you, and you feel unloved?

I'm 30 years in with a man that has limited caring capacity. His sensory needs and tunnel vision mean that he comes across as pretty selfish.

Two things have worked for me-

Preempting him: 'every time we arrive at the airport you are suddenly desperate for the loo and abandon us, haha! Don't do that today, will you!' 'You're getting up early with the DC tomorrow, so you'll feel a bit groggy. Don't plan anything difficult, and don't spoil mine by whinging at me all day or I'll whinge at you next time you get a lie in!' Humour helps.

Meet your own nurturing needs- book massages etc.

Also, mine is very focussed on routines- but that's actually about priorities.
Reset the priority and the routine can be changed. For example, first thing he does is shower. If the children or dog start stirring/crying, he gets up and has a shower. I had to explicitly state that when someone is crying, you sort them out before you do anything else. You don't get in the shower and expect them to wait until you have finished.

It's about reframing the situation so that the urgent thing is recognised as urgent. Harder than it should be!

@picklemewalnuts that sounds exhausting and more like managing a child than a life partner.

Yes. But he has strengths as well. I'm sure I'm frustrating in quite different ways.