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Original poster

DP retelling the story of our relationship as if I was the sole initiator /instigator / predator

233 replies

uhustick · 09/04/2022 20:21

DP and I (both divorced, with DC, me 38, him 55) went on a mini break in Europe over the last few days away from DC. We have been together for 4 years.

Over dinner last night, DP raised a glass to us being together for four years this April and he said "who would have known?" I said "what do you mean?" He said "well it just felt like a fling/nothing special at the beginning, and who would've known we'd fall in love and be together now?"

I was a bit surprised as our early relationship had been very romantic, not fling-like at all. In those early months there had been lots of big talks and outlining what we both wanted - even before we had slept together, we had made it clear we were both on the same page (that we wanted a serious relationship.)

I didn't want to ruin the evening but DP kept banging on about how surprising and shocking it was that it went from "nothing" to "something." I questioned him about it, said I did not recall things in the same way, and he reminded me of a time (about 3 weeks into our relationship) where he had felt I was a bit full on and it was a bit "too much." But he said we "shouldn't dwell on it now.") I said what do you mean? He said "you were constantly in touch and I just felt it was all too much."

This was never my impression of the relationship. If anything, DP had been the initiator of everything for a long time, constantly in touch, literally narrating every fucking movement.

His version of the relationship, as he told the story back to me, was very different of my own. "Do you remember when you were in France and you missed me so much that you flew back?" Literally a lie. I did not do that - HE did that.

I have just got home and looked at the texts between us in those first three weeks where I was apparently "too full on." (I kept them.) I wasn't at all, it was mostly him.

He then went on to say that it seemed like I had "planned everything". That I was the main initiator. He then did the gesturing as if he was a fish and I had a fishing rod and I had reeled him in (gesture of finger in side of mouth) That he basically had no choice except to get "caught in my web." The whole story was told as if he was an innocent who had no choice in the matter. THis is completely untrue. He pursued me, I eventually reciprocated and then we were together. I am quite confused.

WHy is he making me feel like this? Why is he re-writing the narrative to make me seem like the instigator of everything when I wasn't?

Last night when i protested he kept saying "don't ruin things" and we were out at a nice meal, so I wasn;t going to argue over who said what when, or who was more the instigator, but now I am back and see it in front of me (I have records of all texts and emails from that time), it seems unfair and untrue and like he wants to put me on the backfoot

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

OP posts:
comfortablyfrumpy · 10/04/2022 09:24

It does sound really odd.

I like the suggestion above that you sit down with him in a week or so, show him the evidence abd ask him why he said what he said . His answer will show you what to do next .

LizzieSiddal · 10/04/2022 09:30

I would ask him to think carefully about whether or not it was you or him who flew back from France as you're worried he's having memory issues...

I’d say the same and I’d also add “this isn’t the only example, I have printed off our text messages from when we first met and this shows it was you who persuade me. I’m very concerned about your memory.”.

I’d then LTB because he sounds controlling and very gaslighty.

Rosehugger · 10/04/2022 09:31

Sounds like he is inflating his ego and playing at being the big man. What a teed.

Smellycat290 · 10/04/2022 09:41

Get out. Get out now. He’s gaslighting you and it will only get worse. He is lucky to be in a relationship with you and he’s slowly working on you so you are changing your behaviour to aid him in gaslighting you.
Please take this behaviour as a warning and leave. You’re worth so much more and this relationship/his behaviour is never going to get better!!

LovelyYellowLabrador · 10/04/2022 09:43

Abou move all o don’t like the way he tells you that you are ruining the eve being etc

When he actually is !! What a head fucker I wouldn’t be happy op
You are not wrong to feel upset

borntobequiet · 10/04/2022 09:43

This won’t get better, in fact it will get worse. End the relationship.

MerryMarigold · 10/04/2022 09:44

It definitely needs to be challenged OP.

I would say something along the lines of: I didn't feel good about how you painted me as the pursuer in our relationship as it's not how I remembered things. Do you remember saying I flew back from France? Do you still think that?

As a PP said, his responses to this will be very telling:
"You always overthink and dwell on things." (I don't want to engage with this because I know I'm wrong but can't take responsibility)
"I didn't say you flew back from France. Of course it was me." (Rewriting recent history because he knows he's stuck and is willing to concede that to 'win' overall).
Using this discussion as a reason to break up with you = another woman in the wings (who he may have told the narrative to to show how attractive he is). If he breaks up with you, better sooner rather than later.

WisherWood · 10/04/2022 09:46

I agree with @MaChienEstUnDick. He's constructing a narrative in which he looks like hapless victim of a femme fatale, rather than a creepy old guy. I suspect, four years in, he feels that this is the time to ratchet things up and see what he can get away with.

I wouldn't present him with the messages. Rather than him saying 'oh yes, you've got evidence, you're right' he'll say 'you kept my messages for four years. That shows how much you're into me'. He has his narrative construct and whatever you do, he'll twist it to fit that.

I think, as you take a step back, you will start to see him differently. He's already limited the extent to which you can express yourself. He's now gaslighting you. He is not a good man.

Candleabra · 10/04/2022 09:48

Even if he hasn’t met someone else I’d get out now. He sounds horrible. He’s on an ego trip at best - oh poor little innocent me, snared by you , the evil temptress.
It’ll only get worse.
I’d only settle down with someone that much older if it was amazing. Not worth it.

Knittingchamp · 10/04/2022 09:49

@uhustick

DP and I (both divorced, with DC, me 38, him 55) went on a mini break in Europe over the last few days away from DC. We have been together for 4 years.

Over dinner last night, DP raised a glass to us being together for four years this April and he said "who would have known?" I said "what do you mean?" He said "well it just felt like a fling/nothing special at the beginning, and who would've known we'd fall in love and be together now?"

I was a bit surprised as our early relationship had been very romantic, not fling-like at all. In those early months there had been lots of big talks and outlining what we both wanted - even before we had slept together, we had made it clear we were both on the same page (that we wanted a serious relationship.)

I didn't want to ruin the evening but DP kept banging on about how surprising and shocking it was that it went from "nothing" to "something." I questioned him about it, said I did not recall things in the same way, and he reminded me of a time (about 3 weeks into our relationship) where he had felt I was a bit full on and it was a bit "too much." But he said we "shouldn't dwell on it now.") I said what do you mean? He said "you were constantly in touch and I just felt it was all too much."

This was never my impression of the relationship. If anything, DP had been the initiator of everything for a long time, constantly in touch, literally narrating every fucking movement.

His version of the relationship, as he told the story back to me, was very different of my own. "Do you remember when you were in France and you missed me so much that you flew back?" Literally a lie. I did not do that - HE did that.

I have just got home and looked at the texts between us in those first three weeks where I was apparently "too full on." (I kept them.) I wasn't at all, it was mostly him.

He then went on to say that it seemed like I had "planned everything". That I was the main initiator. He then did the gesturing as if he was a fish and I had a fishing rod and I had reeled him in (gesture of finger in side of mouth) That he basically had no choice except to get "caught in my web." The whole story was told as if he was an innocent who had no choice in the matter. THis is completely untrue. He pursued me, I eventually reciprocated and then we were together. I am quite confused.

WHy is he making me feel like this? Why is he re-writing the narrative to make me seem like the instigator of everything when I wasn't?

Last night when i protested he kept saying "don't ruin things" and we were out at a nice meal, so I wasn;t going to argue over who said what when, or who was more the instigator, but now I am back and see it in front of me (I have records of all texts and emails from that time), it seems unfair and untrue and like he wants to put me on the backfoot

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Personally I'd print them all out, leave them for him, say read this as it's clearly obvious you were making up a weird and offensive story on our break, which pretty much ruined the break, so feel free to apologize, or work out why your version of events is so messed up, then get back to me and we will see if we can go forward. I'd dump a guy for doing this, seriously, it's so bizarre and offensive.
ChangefortheBetter88 · 10/04/2022 09:50

He’s just letting you know that he’s about to leave and he’s rewriting history so he can turn around and say I was never that into you, you forced the relationship blah blah blah. Bin him now so you leave with respect in tact. He is the definition of a gas lighter

longwayoff · 10/04/2022 10:03

He's on his way out. Be first to the starting gate and move him on. You are wasting your time with this man and time is precious. Lose him before he leaves you citing your unreasonable behaviour.

daisychain01 · 10/04/2022 10:03

Has this come out of the blue or has he been like this in different ways over the course of your 4 years together? Does he use different tactics to rub it in that you're more into him than he is to you

It isn't a sign of a healthy relationship, and if it's a pattern of behaviour I personally wouldn't put up with it. Just agree with him if he does it again, and say it's curtains, we're history.

BlueOverYellow · 10/04/2022 10:07

Blatant gaslighting. But why?

It sounds like quite an unhealthy relationship from your subsequent posts: you're not allowed to criticize, voice a differing opinion/take on things, or be down.

He sounds quite controlling and rather full of himself. I'd be very, very careful not to let him continue rewriting history and making you question yourself. You will end up in a very bad place mentally, which it sounds like is exactly where he wants you, questioning yourself constantly.

ListeningButNotHearing · 10/04/2022 10:08

Aren't you the lucky one to have him, NOT.

How belittling and you're being told not to ruin the evening.
He's got you well under control.

BellePeppa · 10/04/2022 10:08

Personally I’d be ending things. Something is very off and I’m not sure I could get past his weird recollections.

Pregnagainagain · 10/04/2022 10:08

So you’re not allowed to be upset or unhappy with anything he does ever? Or not allowed to bring it up if you are… sounds like there is a big power imbalance going on here too

pictish · 10/04/2022 10:09

Agree with everyone else. Odd and concerning…,and unacceptable. I couldn’t let this lie either.

Calmdown14 · 10/04/2022 10:10

I'd be making it very clear that you will not be part of his version of your history.

You need a conversation today to say ' I didn't want to have this conversation in the middle of a restaurant but I'm very concerned about your recollections of our early relationship (then focus on the specifics like the France incident, not the more subjective who liked who more stuff). If you are having such difficulty with you memory then I think it would be a really good idea for you to see a doctor when we get back".

Agree his reactions will tell you a lot as to whether this is about his ego or something a bit more sinister

pictish · 10/04/2022 10:13

Generally when something seems off, it is.
This is OFF.

mummyofcutetwo · 10/04/2022 10:15

I agree with @WisherWood.

He’ll twist any comment you make, every piece of evidence you have. He’s shown himself to be a narcissist and has subtly trained you not to “rock the boat” over the last four years. I recognise this as I’ve been there, except I was there for over 15 years and I have the PTSD to show for it. He controlled my life and rewrote the narrative so cleverly that in the end I thought I’d lost my mind.

You’re not living with this man and you’ve realised that something is up before it’s too late. I’d suggest you get end the relationship now.

In addition, please don’t say you’re concerned about his memory as he’ll only use that as a way of making you stay with him forever.

If you want to show him the evidence of who flew back to who etc then do it after you’ve split up and blocked his number etc. You don’t need to know his response - you know what happened and that’s all that matters.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 10/04/2022 10:15

Also op imagine your age gap in 10, 15, 25 years time
It might seem ok now but it probably won’t then

Bollindger · 10/04/2022 10:19

Take control of this.
Stop letting him rewrite things.
Tell him, did you know a man's peak is 18. But for a woman it is mid to late 30s. Your claiming I hooked you, an older man. So why would I be classed as YOUR trophy wife, with our age gag.

People can only put you down if you let them. So stop letting him
He knows he has upset you, and is ignoring you to keep you in the back foot.
Start looking at fishing rods. As you might need to thrown this catch back.
Hear my roar, I am woman.

KissedintheDark · 10/04/2022 10:20

@uhustick

Usually things are fine. We are both busy with work so do not see each other as much as we would like. Maybe 3-4 times a week we stay over at each other's houses.

He doesn't like it when I complain about anything or get annoyed at something he has said. His belief is that I "overthink" or I "always see the negative." Not surprised I always see the negative if he is constantly gaslighting me

You're not going to get him to admit he's wrong, op. He has all bases covered. So I'd come at it from a different angle and gently take the piss out of his terrible memory [tinkly laugh] Then if he gets offended he's the one spoiling the memories.
CallMeDaddy58 · 10/04/2022 10:22

@MaChienEstUnDick

Look, I'll give you my take but it isn't a very pleasant one.

A 51 year old man embarking on a relationship with a woman 20 years' younger than him has two different narratives: the one in the golf club (or wherever) where he tells his mates that he's still Mr Studley of Studley Manor, and the one for everyone else which goes 'yeah, I know inside your heart of hearts you're thinking this is creepy AF but actually, I had no control over it. She pursued me, I'm not taking advantage of her, I'm not fishing from a pool I should be well and truly age-barred from, I'm not even in control of this story because she wants me so much.'

Men need to be the hero of their story (NAMNALT) and in this one, the age difference means you have to be the pursuer which not only absolves him of any ick factor, but shores up his Mr Studley status.

Sorry. I know that's not particularly balanced or kind.

This x 100!

A 34 year old woman doggedly pursuing a 51 year old man sounds a lot less gross than the other way around. He either realises how gross he is and wants to change the narrative to make it less creepy or it’s a fantasy.