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Original poster

DP retelling the story of our relationship as if I was the sole initiator /instigator / predator

233 replies

uhustick · 09/04/2022 20:21

DP and I (both divorced, with DC, me 38, him 55) went on a mini break in Europe over the last few days away from DC. We have been together for 4 years.

Over dinner last night, DP raised a glass to us being together for four years this April and he said "who would have known?" I said "what do you mean?" He said "well it just felt like a fling/nothing special at the beginning, and who would've known we'd fall in love and be together now?"

I was a bit surprised as our early relationship had been very romantic, not fling-like at all. In those early months there had been lots of big talks and outlining what we both wanted - even before we had slept together, we had made it clear we were both on the same page (that we wanted a serious relationship.)

I didn't want to ruin the evening but DP kept banging on about how surprising and shocking it was that it went from "nothing" to "something." I questioned him about it, said I did not recall things in the same way, and he reminded me of a time (about 3 weeks into our relationship) where he had felt I was a bit full on and it was a bit "too much." But he said we "shouldn't dwell on it now.") I said what do you mean? He said "you were constantly in touch and I just felt it was all too much."

This was never my impression of the relationship. If anything, DP had been the initiator of everything for a long time, constantly in touch, literally narrating every fucking movement.

His version of the relationship, as he told the story back to me, was very different of my own. "Do you remember when you were in France and you missed me so much that you flew back?" Literally a lie. I did not do that - HE did that.

I have just got home and looked at the texts between us in those first three weeks where I was apparently "too full on." (I kept them.) I wasn't at all, it was mostly him.

He then went on to say that it seemed like I had "planned everything". That I was the main initiator. He then did the gesturing as if he was a fish and I had a fishing rod and I had reeled him in (gesture of finger in side of mouth) That he basically had no choice except to get "caught in my web." The whole story was told as if he was an innocent who had no choice in the matter. THis is completely untrue. He pursued me, I eventually reciprocated and then we were together. I am quite confused.

WHy is he making me feel like this? Why is he re-writing the narrative to make me seem like the instigator of everything when I wasn't?

Last night when i protested he kept saying "don't ruin things" and we were out at a nice meal, so I wasn;t going to argue over who said what when, or who was more the instigator, but now I am back and see it in front of me (I have records of all texts and emails from that time), it seems unfair and untrue and like he wants to put me on the backfoot

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

OP posts:
Stravaig · 10/04/2022 10:23

He sounds deeply nasty to me. His words, his gesture, the gaslighting.

If someone tries to rewrite reality for me, I don't agree with them, or move closer. I back far away until I'm on solid ground again.

If you review your time together, what other discrepancies or unpleasant behaviour has there been?

StScholastica · 10/04/2022 10:27

I think the poster who said this is the story he has told his mates down the golf club, (and he's said it so many times that he's started to believe it), has hit the nail on the head.
I'd think very carefully about the future of your relationship. My DH is 10 years older than me and it really didn't matter in the earlier years, however he's now struggling quite a bit to keep up and it does hold us back at times. For me this isn't an issue, he's a fantastic DH and father to our kids but unless you have that solid foundation to start with I'd say it would be easy for a relationship to hit the rocks.

pictish · 10/04/2022 10:28

Yes he may well be grossed out by his creepy self and making an attempt to change the narrative to one where he was the helpless victim of a femme fatale.

He can fuck off obviously. There is nothing good about him trying to warp reality to serve his own ego. Gaslighting prick.

Lovemusic33 · 10/04/2022 10:35

Gaslighting

The last guy I was with did this to me, told the story of us meeting totally different to how it was. He also told me stories about his ex and how crazy she was 😬, eventually he started making out I was overthinking things and then he tried to make out I was crazy by doing things and saying ‘they never happened’ making out I had imagined things.

He went on to abuse me and even when giving police statements he told them I chased him and I was a sex addict (not true).

Men like this seem to prey on younger women. I would get out whilst you can.

inheritancetrack · 10/04/2022 10:36

He's insecure and trying to convince himself that he wasn't the desperate one, you were. Just a symptom of his insecurity, but deeply unpleasant nevertheless. I would seriously rethink this relationship as it is gaslighting. This is the start, where does it end?

RaspberryChouxBuns · 10/04/2022 10:37

He's rewriting history to make him sound like he was pursued because he's 55 and probably in the throes of some kind of mid life crisis. In any case because he is 55 and you're 38 most people will believe that he pursued you. In any case this sounds very dodgy, I wouldn't allow someone to second guess myself. Is the relationship generally good? Do you want to stay in a relationship with him?

Gelasia · 10/04/2022 10:41

YANBU at all BUT there are always 2 sides to every story and if your version of events are the complete opposite of his then the truth probably lies somewhere in between.

This is not how truth works.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/04/2022 10:45

YANBU at all BUT there are always 2 sides to every story and if your version of events are the complete opposite of his then the truth probably lies somewhere in between.

Eh? Not 'always', no. One of them flied back for France and one of them didn't. That's a definitive truth, not subjective. So he's lied. Not told the truth.

MoonOnASpoon · 10/04/2022 10:51

My ex was a gaslighter like this (though no age gap) and as pps have described, he seemed to really believe his lies. He was very insecure and could not be in the wrong or the less important person in any scenario, so he’d rewrite it in his head, including thing I had just said to him 10 minutes ago. Then he’d be outraged and upset when I argued with him and said he was lying. He would insist point blank he wasn’t lying. He believed it.

This is a man who will destroy your sense of reality if you remain with him.

I agree with this - you can’t live like this and it will get worse. It’s exhausting having to keep “checking” reality to make sure you’re not going insane, and dealing with someone who has to have the upper hand and will rewrite history to give themselves that comfort. You end up never being able to trust anything he says and feeling unsettled and like the rugs is always being pulled out from under you.

It’s up to you whether you end it over this of course, but please don’t move in with him!

SpilltheTea · 10/04/2022 10:52

It's quite embarrassing for him because he's probably told this story plenty of times and no one with a brain would have believed him.

MerryMarigold · 10/04/2022 10:53

Sorry OP, I forgot to say that when you begin the conversation you should 'feedback' what he said in the restaurant. If he backtracks that too then there is no point getting into a conversation as he'll just say, "But I never said you pursued me. Of course, we pursued each other." You need to re-establish what he thinks before you have the conversation about the flight.

EmmaH2022 · 10/04/2022 10:56

@MerryMarigold

Sorry OP, I forgot to say that when you begin the conversation you should 'feedback' what he said in the restaurant. If he backtracks that too then there is no point getting into a conversation as he'll just say, "But I never said you pursued me. Of course, we pursued each other." You need to re-establish what he thinks before you have the conversation about the flight.
Why have a conversation?

Just leave him. He sounds horrible.

DesidaCrick · 10/04/2022 10:57

You might already have decided to scrap the relationship but if it were me and I had already invested four years I would want to bring the situation to a head so I could work out the options, which are either heal the rift or move on.

In a factual way I would message him with the evidence of how events unfolded. Don’t speak to him or accuse him of anything. Leave him to draw his own conclusions. It should bring things to a head. His reaction will probably tell you all you need to know.

Either he will realize he’s been creating a false narrative and it will open up a dialogue to make things better, or it will create cognitive dissonance in his mind, which may make him angry. It is possible that due to discomfort or embarrassment about his behavior that you might not hear from him again. I hope you get some resolution.

UniversalAunt · 10/04/2022 11:00

Hmmm, sounds like he is begging himself up as ‘irresistible’, on top of conflict avoidance with a pinch of gaslighting…because he can.

Is he feeling tad insecure? Major life event recently knocked his confidence/drained his mojo? Nudged his need for a boost?

Thankfully, you have your head screwed on firmly & could even take an SMS reality check. So, withdraw from the argument as you know what was what.

Lean back & reflect if you love him enough or even like him enough to see this tangle through. Because you do not have to be with him.

The ‘hook’ gesture…just horrid.

1forAll74 · 10/04/2022 11:08

You may make things worse by picking up on things like this.. and being negative all the time.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2022 11:08

Run for your life and delete this man completely out of your existence.

ThreeRingCircus · 10/04/2022 11:08

He’s told this story/lies to so many people he’s forgotten what the actual truth is.

This was my instinct too apart from the flying back from France story. There's re-writing history and then there is outright lying. He knows it wasn't OP that flew back, it was him.... nobody could get that mixed up unless he's got dementia! It is gaslighting and deeply unpleasant.

He says he's a fish does he? Well then he can get in the sea. Throw this one back, OP.

PlainJaneEyre · 10/04/2022 11:11

Because of this and your age difference I would be calling a halt to his unless you really love him. If you do then you really need to talk to him about how he reacts.

pictish · 10/04/2022 11:12

I agree…the ‘hook’ gesture (shudder) - I don’t know if there’s any coming back from that. He might arrange his words in an attempt to minimise its impact…but you’ll always feel it the way it was truly intended.

Shitandhills · 10/04/2022 11:15

What is it about this that pushes your buttons so much? I'm not saying it shouldn't, or invalidating your feelings at all, but whatever it is, that is what you should be focusing on here. My partner has a crap memory and will sometimes totally misremember stuff - I just take the piss and remind him of what really happened. Something about this has really wound you up though, what is it? Does he change the narrative about other more important issues? Are you insecure about how committed he is?

PollyDarton1 · 10/04/2022 11:17

My ex DP did this. Rewrote narratives constantly - implied I had pursued him and he wasn't sure about the relationship initially (um, he told me he loved me after 2 dates...) and that I'd somehow pushed him into it. The reality was very, very different - if anything, it was me who was largely laid back and then got swept up eventually (much to my regret).

He did it about all sorts of things during the course of our relationship whenever he wanted to excuse his shit behaviour toward me - it was a form of distancing for him, and my eventual "discard". He's gone on to rewrite our entire relationship to other people including mutual friends, colleagues and family - his new girlfriend is of the staunch opinion that I was the abusive one, because it couldn't possibly be her knight in shining armour!

Courante · 10/04/2022 11:20

You're definitely not making a mountain out of a molehill.

Even he wasn't trying to gaslight you - why on earth was he bringing it up anyway? Not nice even if every word of it was true. Which it clearly isn't.

Hausa · 10/04/2022 11:28

Why are you in a relationship with someone who you describe as constantly gaslighting you?

Dump him. And date someone who isn’t old enough to be your dad. I know that MN is apparently pro massive age gaps, but there are lots of reasons some men date women 20 years younger than them - and none of them are positive.

grapewines · 10/04/2022 11:31

@Easterisoffeggstooexpensive

That's the story he tells people..
This and with the update I'd be seriously reconsidering staying with him. He's gaslighting the fuck out of you and undermining you for "overthinking", ie having thoughts he doesn't agree with.

Isn't life too short?

OnlyTheTitosaurusOfTheIceberg · 10/04/2022 11:39

There are things I can forgive in a relationship, but gaslighting and deliberately lying to me aren’t among them. That’s an active choice to behave in a way designed to unsettle me, make me feel insecure, get me doubting my memory, my sanity.

And this is deliberate gaslighting, OP. This is not a mis-remembering, a genuine mistake. Because if it were, you’d be able to raise it and clear up any misunderstanding. But you can’t, can you? You’re shut didn’t, you’re accused of “ruining” things, of being “negative”. So you bite your tongue and you stew silently over the injustice, or you start to doubt yourself.

This is not a nice man. This is someone looking to shore up himself at the expense of you. I’m not usually quick to say LTB, but I make an exception in this case.

(I’m in an age gap relationship btw - almost 20 years between DH and myself. Not once has he behaved like this, not even in the depths of his depression about ageing and missing opportunities in his life. Your DP isn’t doing this because he’s aware of getting older; he’s doing it because he’s a twat.)