In my 40s - friends feel disappointing. Anyone else felt this?

[S2P78]

I'm 43 and feeling generally pretty disappointed in some of my close friends. Everyone's got stuff going on, and I get that, but these are friends without young kids (the ones I'm talking about here) and it feels things have changed quite a lot. I am in a long-term relationship but I still really need my friends but I guess not everyone's the same.

The friend who calls me her closest friend is barely in touch at all, when I message her she responds about her life, but doesn't ask about mine. She's cancelled the last five times she was meant to come and stay (mostly valid reasons, but doesn't acknowledge it's really quite rubbish) and I organise and go and see her loads (she lives two hours away) - sort her birthday out, send thoughtful cards, etc. She has a lot going on with work, etc, but she has got increasingly self-absorbed and to the point where I feel l might just get really upset about it all as I'm always fitting in around her. Last time I went to see she left me on her sofa while she went out to a work thing she'd forgotten about.

Another friend seems totally absorbed in her relationship and doesn't seem to need our friendship anymore. Hardly gets in touch or arranges to see me, but when she was single I saw her almost every day and she was always in touch.

There are a few examples - there are more. But it's really getting me down as these are my closest friends and I really love and miss them. I get if people have young kids they don't have time for friendships so much but these are people who don't. Do friendships change in your 40s? It really feels mine have - and after covid too as it feels it's made people much more insular and self-focused.

Mine have definitely changed. But they have remained, which is the most important thing surely? I see my best and oldest friends infrequently but they would always be there for me.

I think you need some new additional friends xx

It sounds like these people don't want to put in the effort. They might be short of time, but surely they can find a little time to invest in their friendships?

There are other people out there who do put in the effort, you just need to find them and make new friends.

I think you are right about the effect of Covid. It hasn't affected everyone the same way though - very odd.

Thank you - would you ever bring up this kind of stuff? I would usually talk to people if I was upset with them, but it also feels sort of pointless. They are how they are at the moment, and I don't want to harm the friendship.

I have a few friends like this and I've gone through the upset and disappointed stages with them. I just put in very little effort myself and concentrate on the ones who do bother. I had a friend (who is single) cancel on my 4 times. I've made the decision not to arrange to meet her again because I've had enough of the disappointment and being messed around.

I know exactly how you feel as I am in the same boat. So called “friends” are so absorbed in their own lives that even when they do make contact they pay lip service to “ let’s meet for coffee” so you go beck with a couple of dates and are met with silence!
Drives me nuts. I don’t bother with them anymore. I think Covid has a lot to answer for and I’m not about to appear clingy to anyone.

I don't think it's that unusual - unless you're the sort of person that has super-close friendships (which I don't) you may not see that much of even your closest friends and that's kind of adult life. I tend to be the effort maker and on the whole I find friends are delighted when i make the effort to get in touch, even if it's been a year or more.

I'm 39 and yes. Last year I decided to stop making effort, and now stuff is even more limited.

I feel really lonely at times.

No advice but it helps knowing it's not just me.

@SquishyGloopyBum I hear you! I feel like if I didn't make the effort with some friends I'd never hear from them and it's hard not to feel resentful of that after a while. It's in my nature to make an effort, so hard to understand when it's not reciprocated. Do people just not need people anymore?! It's not just you.

@Echobelly Yes, guess it's not unusual - just that I was super close with these friends and I'm ok not seeing them that often, but it's just that being the one to make the effort gets a bit draining. I do it because I need friendships in my life, but then I get annoyed after a while.

It is upsetting knowing you are the one keeping a friendship going. I have been in this position far too many times. I am not suggesting you start keeping records of who contacted who but generally there is a pattern.

Unless you are super close with someone, it is likely that they will happily plod along and of course if you contact them, they are pleased to hear from you. However, not quite enough to make an effort.

A year and a half ago I realised a 'friend' did not contact me unless I reached out first . I decided to cease contact and have not heard from her since!

I am not lonely enough to invest in one sided friendships. I would rather have two solid friendships than ten fairweather ones.

Oh yes! I’m a similar age to you and l have noticed it as a thing for a few years, definitely before the pandemic. What amuses me is they want a world of effort back?! I haven’t been forthcoming and then they’re peeved. Yeah lm looking at the people who won’t come visit (want me to get up at 5am to visit them), show no interest in my IVF failing (want a parade when they have a child) etc etc.

I recently celebrated my (covid delayed) 40th, 41st and engagement party so something that if I had been invited to would have made a real effort to attend. Hired a venue and gave literally all my good friends a good months notice of when and where it was happening - it was also the type of place where you could drop in for half hour or stay the entire night and nothing too fancy.

Less than 50% of those I considered close friend and invited actually showed up. There was obviously the understandable reasons such as holidays, illness and clashes but they were more the exception. Some of the excuses were along the lines of wanting to watch a TV show or having to drive somewhere the next day. Complete cop outs really. Plenty didn't even bother responding.

I feel really sad about it, people I have been really close to - uni friends and those I grew up with in my 20s and 30s just retiring from life. I even wonder now if some of them would bother even attending my wedding if they got an invite. They are literally just people in WhatsApp groups now.

Screw 'em OP!

You have values and sensitivity - alot of people don't (or at least are very mixed up about it). Its truly amazing how many people are totally self-absorbed. I bet you're the listener!!

You can do that role if you like it, if it suits you, but at a lower level, less energy expended, put little effort in. I can assure you by your 50s you will find it even more tiresome and annoying!

Think - all that energy you're putting into these friendships you could put into - your job or career, your finances, your pets, new sports, new friendships, new activities, cooking chocolate chip cookies, love affairs, travelling, lying in bed, dancing, whatever floats your boat, the list is endless.

Just sayin'.

Yes I felt like this a couple of years ago, my closest friend just stopped bothering and covid was the nail in the coffin. It really upset me at the time, but in the mean time I have made new friendships and reformed some old ones. I think the people I'm friends with now I have more in common with. Sometimes people just drift apart maybe, down the track, it'll come back but who knows. I choose to invest my time with people who reciprocate and show interest. Having a hobby in common with friends really helps.

You say they don't have young children but do they have older ones. I have a teenager and to be honest, I find it more difficult now to maintain friendships and live my life than I did when my Dc were tiny. Everyone thinks you get your life back as your kids grow up but I think the opposite is true.

I have a wide circle of friends in the little town I live in and a very active social life.
But honestly, the idea of spending weekends travelling to see old friends who are scattered far and wide , crashing on a sofa or in an office-cum-spare-room, maybe drinking too much, and having no time to chill or get my chores done - after a full-on week at work - honestly makes me feel really stressed! Im sure many of them feel the same about having guests too. So older friendships have suffered a bit, yes.

Posted too soon...but I was going to add that being a mum to teens is actually all consuming!

Fair point Implementing.

it's an age thing I think. everyone is busier and going out / socialising less of a priority at this age. I also feel you grow apart from people. I feel the same too OP! I'm not sure if there's a solution; I have tried to embrace new social circles to little joy, so I tried to accept it, focus on the few friends and family I have, and to also use my friend free time to focus on my own interests, hobbies and my creative interests instead. It's not ideal but it is a form of acceptance and I feel a lot better about it.

Yes I also feel like this. I still really enjoy seeing friends and prioritise them but at this age everyone has less and less free time, which can be disappointing. I agree it is not just people with small kids too. It’s most people in their late 30s / early 40s because of careers and other reasons. You’re not alone.

Yes I'm finding they are becoming more self absorbed and as I've always tried to put others first I find now I'm always putting myself out and not getting much in return. I'm getting fed up with it and focusing on family a lot more as a result.

It happens for lots of reasons. I guess I’m one of the ones in their 40s with no kids and I have let certain friendships slide. The ones with kids either wanted to do things during the week as they were part time workers but I worked full time, or they always brought their kids with them or I had to go to theirs and we never did anything interesting. Gradually I got interested in other hobbies, made new friends who didn’t have kids etc etc.

Now their kids are off to uni and they want to go out, meet up, do stuff etc, but I have an allotment, cycle, walk and climb at weekends, and I don’t have the time to see them. We catch up maybe once every couple of years but that’s it - I’ve just moved on.

I’ve had this with one or two old friends too, they always say we must meet up, can’t wait to see you etc but I was always the one initiating the plans and I’d had enough so just stopped doing it. They still keep in touch and alway say we should meet, but now I just give a generic ‘yeah would be nice’ response and sure enough they’ve arranged sod all. So I give up. Why am I trying so hard to keep relationships going with people who clearly can’t be bothered?

I haven’t told them how I feel and why I’ve stopped doing all the arranging but think they can tell something is off.

I think the older I’ve got the more I realise that people who want to be in your life will make the effort and if they don’t then I’m done chasing, any relationship should be a two way thing.

I’m sorry your friends are being rubbish, I know it’s hard and upsetting but you can’t make them change. Sometimes people just drift out of each others lives as sad that is to think about. Focus on the people who do make the effort.

Welshgal same. Op know what you mean. An old neighbour yep must meet. No commitment then met her at cafe with another friend. I just said hi.
Another friend yes love a walk after xmas. But unless Im chasing her/driving over. Kinda sick it op if Im honest. Friendship 2 way road...

I decided enough not chasing now!!

@TipTopT that really resonated - thank you! I'm always being told I'm a good listener, and I'm just a bit tired of not getting the effort/interest back - and I have an interesting life and job! I hear you on putting effort into other things. I'm going to try, but it's hard because I love having close friendships, but do need to focus on other stuff for now at least.