In my 40s - friends feel disappointing. Anyone else felt this?

[S2P78]

I'm 43 and feeling generally pretty disappointed in some of my close friends. Everyone's got stuff going on, and I get that, but these are friends without young kids (the ones I'm talking about here) and it feels things have changed quite a lot. I am in a long-term relationship but I still really need my friends but I guess not everyone's the same.

The friend who calls me her closest friend is barely in touch at all, when I message her she responds about her life, but doesn't ask about mine. She's cancelled the last five times she was meant to come and stay (mostly valid reasons, but doesn't acknowledge it's really quite rubbish) and I organise and go and see her loads (she lives two hours away) - sort her birthday out, send thoughtful cards, etc. She has a lot going on with work, etc, but she has got increasingly self-absorbed and to the point where I feel l might just get really upset about it all as I'm always fitting in around her. Last time I went to see she left me on her sofa while she went out to a work thing she'd forgotten about.

Another friend seems totally absorbed in her relationship and doesn't seem to need our friendship anymore. Hardly gets in touch or arranges to see me, but when she was single I saw her almost every day and she was always in touch.

There are a few examples - there are more. But it's really getting me down as these are my closest friends and I really love and miss them. I get if people have young kids they don't have time for friendships so much but these are people who don't. Do friendships change in your 40s? It really feels mine have - and after covid too as it feels it's made people much more insular and self-focused.

I feel I get too invested in friends. Anyway I stopped all this chasing they havent been in touch. I think friends not same eg at 29 then at 49. I have found it hurtful x is so busy then you see them in cafes with others. !!

@Comedycook

You say they don't have young children but do they have older ones. I have a teenager and to be honest, I find it more difficult now to maintain friendships and live my life than I did when my Dc were tiny. Everyone thinks you get your life back as your kids grow up but I think the opposite is true.

I agree with this. Don't assume people with older kids don't have responsibilities. Also as you get older you also become responsible for your own parents.

I'm in my forties and by the time I'm done with work, running the house, teens and parents I quite frankly can't be arsed socialising.

I am probably on the other side of this friendship dynamic. I have a lot of emotional and practical pressures in my life. I have had a few friends whose friendship expectations I just couldn’t meet and I have reached a stage where I’ve had to let these go. I have a great husband and great children and we have a lot of hobbies and activities for various family members and between that and work that fulfils my social needs.

I have literally just had to let go of a long term friend where the friendship had virtually no space for me in terms of me having any fun anymore or meeting any of emotional support needs yet it was an incredibly draining friendship and I just had to walk away.

Stop chasing. Put effort into making new friends. People who are interested will be in touch and make effort. Some people don’t need friends.

A lot of women make lousy friends because they let their partners and children become all consuming

Mmm, instead of blaming women, you could turn it around and say that men make great friends because they prioritise them, and their hobbies, over and above the needs of their wives/partners and DC.

Speaking as someone who, like a pp, has to work around her dh's travel and whose teen and young adult DC, until very recently, needed a lot of emotional support, I wouldn't say that neglecting friends is always a conscious choice but more often than not, it's a question of simply picking up what needs to be done.

And sorry but life moves on, people are busy, but I manage to have sensible sane friends, who are all busy themselves, who 'get it' and we catch up when we can without making a big song and dance about it. We are realistic enough to understand that we are not number one in each others lives - we are certainly not searching for soul mates or drinking buddies - but we really enjoy seeing one another when we can.

ATM I have about four good friends who I see for a proper , trip out, meal out, theatre etc, about 3 or 4 times a year each . Obviously, we text and call in between and I have coffee regularly with one of them. That means I see about one a month. And I probably go out with my husband once a month too. Plus I have other family get togethers, volunteer events, and Isee my god-children. So an outing with one friend once a fortnight is all I have time for ATM with all my other commitments. That's life!

@Sixlegsfoward88

A lot of women make lousy friends because they let their partners and children become all consuming

Mmm, instead of blaming women, you could turn it around and say that men make great friends because they prioritise them, and their hobbies, over and above the needs of their wives/partners and DC.

Speaking as someone who, like a pp, has to work around her dh's travel and whose teen and young adult DC, until very recently, needed a lot of emotional support, I wouldn't say that neglecting friends is always a conscious choice but more often than not, it's a question of simply picking up what needs to be done.

And sorry but life moves on, people are busy, but I manage to have sensible sane friends, who are all busy themselves, who 'get it' and we catch up when we can without making a big song and dance about it. We are realistic enough to understand that we are not number one in each others lives - we are certainly not searching for soul mates or drinking buddies - but we really enjoy seeing one another when we can.

ATM I have about four good friends who I see for a proper , trip out, meal out, theatre etc, about 3 or 4 times a year each . Obviously, we text and call in between and I have coffee regularly with one of them. That means I see about one a month. And I probably go out with my husband once a month too. Plus I have other family get togethers, volunteer events, and Isee my god-children. So an outing with one friend once a fortnight is all I have time for ATM with all my other commitments. That's life!

"they prioritise them, and their hobbies, over and above the needs of their wives/partners and DC." Lol, well yes men can do that because their partner/wife is doing all the drudge work more often than not!

"they prioritise them, and their hobbies, over and above the needs of their wives/partners and DC." Lol, well yes men can do that because their partner/wife is doing all the drudge work more often than not!

Well it's a case of which came first ...the chicken or the egg?

I can guarantee you that most women, faced with 2 or 3 DC to look after at the weekends, work to catch up on, cleaning , food shopping and meal prep to do, plus chauffeuring to extra-curric activities, are not saying to their partners, "off you go dear, go and spend some quality time with your friends"

Stop blaming women.

I know what you mean. I had a particular friend that I used to be very very close with through uni and my twenties, she was a bridesmaid etc but she’s changed a lot, very self absorbed, judgemental about other people, very political but in a strange im right your wrong manner, very preachy. I was also the one always doing the chasing, always and she would cancel quite often. Also when we met up would just talk in a monologue about herself. Also done a couple of weird things ie a mutual friend came to stay and didn’t include me in arrangements. I have two young kids and she has none. After my second was born I decided to stop chasing, obviously if she contacts me I would respond but just decided to wait for her to contact me first, it hasn’t happened yet and tbh no big loss. I think people just change and have different priorities. In the last couple of years I’ve made some lovely new friends who are great and actually helped me through tough times more than some people I’ve known for years 🤷‍♀️

And btw I also have a few friends who we only see every couple of years, but we pick up like we see eachother weekly, so it’s not due to lack of contact, it’s more what it’s like when we are together

Drink is relevant for me in this. I used to drink (not loads) and party. Now I'm tee-total and normally like to be home by 10. Give me a early evening meet up with a walk somewhere interesting , dinner about 7 and then home. That doesn't tally with some friendships and I have found the absence of alcohol to smooth the evening can sometimes mean awkward silence or lack of stuff to talk about in the more superficial friendships.

I'm really struggling with friendships at the min and feeling lonely. I had a lot of friends pre pandemic but it just seems like everyone shut down into their family units. When restrictions eased I was hoping things would get back to normal but hardly anyone is interested in going out. When I do manage to meet up with people it's at my instigation. I've started a new job and am starting to make friendships there. It's just sad and has battered my self esteem, I'm 44

they prioritise them, and their hobbies, over and above the needs of their wives/partners and DC." Lol, well yes men can do that because their partner/wife is doing all the drudge work more often than not!

Yes it's true...look I have a relatively easy life, I'm a sahm of school age DC so I can't complain too much but dh has so many more friends than me. He goes out several times a week. He always tells me I should go out more but it's easier said than done. He'll often text me at the end of the working day and say he's off for after work drinks. I know full well if I worked too, I'd never be able to do that. On the weekends, he will just announce he's off out. He gets himself ready at a leisurely place and doesn't really give anything a second thought. On the very rare occasion I go out, I have to give him advance warning. I will feed the kids and make sure his dinner is ready. I will do a million chores while rushing to get ready. It's totally shit. I could probably be more selfish and please myself and I'm sure he'll cope but it's not in my nature and I always put him and the DC before myself.

Guys I think I may have worded it poorly when I said women often prioritise partners and children and often make poor friends — as I too think that many women struggle to have friendships because the caring load is usually dumped on them- indeed my first marriage was totally like this . It might be better to say I’ve a few friends who don’t have kids , but are still flakey as fuck and dancing to attendance to partners or boyfriends demands — not caring for children or parents, just dropping anything if it comes to a bloke. My view is I would rather someone be honest and say They can’t make plans rather than say the day before - ‘oh I can’t make it now as Nigel has offered to take me to xxxx for a meal.’

MeetUps is quite nice OP. I'm quite solitary but like a bit of human company now and then. If you have an interest - knitting, hiking, tennis, whatever - I think its a nice way to meet new people - at least this is what I'm finding (early days). People seem to be open, friendly and polite, albeit in my limited experience. Its a nice change from the drama-llamas of some old friendships. Being genuinely loyal and caring in the way you describe perhaps keeps some of us in friendships that are no longer working? I also think its natural that some of us move on through different friendships in life as we ourselves change.

I have a friend who knew I was having a baby but dd is 5 months and not heard from her ! She did get a new bf though so that’s probably why it is sad and hurtful op

People change, mature, find new interests, find new people they have more in common with…I think it’s completely natural to evolve and lose contact with “older” friends 🤷‍♀️

I have a very small handful of friends since covid. Reality is, covid focused me and made me realise who cared about me and I have in turn put my efforts in there.

Any friendship where I’m doing all the running, messaging first? I take the hint and step back. You can’t fit everyone in so I’d rather be a good friend to a select few rather than taken advantage of by those who don’t demonstrate their friendship further than Fb posts.

I joined a walking group gets me out. I do find people are busy busy and havent time keep friendships going. I have cut back though doing all the running round.

I do not find my 17 year old stops me earning living my life or fostering friendships. Not at all.

I'm 43 and feel exactly same. I have 2 friends who I've known since childhood. We were so close until probably our early 30's . One is obsessed with work, money, holidays and barely has time to meet. The other is so flakey she will agree to meet then cancel last minute with some ridiculous excuse. I went through a phase pre lockdown of trying to get our friendship back on track but the cancellations hurt. Now I see them sporadically when we agree and message from time to time and don't go above and beyond anymore. I also have a few mum friends from when ds was s baby, they are ok but we're not close I just don't have loads in common with them. Dh use to have a big friendship group and we would all do stuff but he's rubbish at staying in touch now so we only see them a few times a year.

I think some people need friends and others either don't or get enough support from family to not miss friendships. I'm not close to my extended family so really only have my dh and dc's. I would like some friends I feel close to I definitely miss what I had with my old friends so I'm open to making friends in day to day life but equally with 3 kids and work I don't have lots of spare time. I think as my youngest gets older I may make more of an active push to make new friends but I've learnt there's no point in clinging on to people who are not reciprocating.

I have had this with friendships. I stopped texting first with one friend four years ago. Haven’t heard from her since. It’s really sad, but I guess she changed over 25 years.

I do have other friends but would love a close group of friends who genuinely care for me, seek me out to do things and who are good company. Doesn’t seem like too much to ask!

I'm possibly on the other side of this- I know I let my friends down mote than I should but my 40s are proving to be tough. I've got lots of family commitments with my aging parents and working plus trying to raise teenagers means I'm driving around all the time or up late. I also live on my own (with my kids) so all the DIY, gardening etc comes down to me. I've been up front with my friends and admitted I can't keep up to their expectations of meeting for lunch or weekends away at the moment. If they don't like it, I'm afraid they'll have to lump it. They all have husbands to share the load with and they don't get it.

I think it is normal, you start seeing less of your usual friends because everybody is more invested in their family life, new relationships and children. Honestly, you end feeling exhausted at the end of the day more often when there are jobs, children, aging relatives or new relationships around.

I think the solution to this is adding new friends to your group, preferably some that are in similar stages in life to yours (I am a busy single mum and have found it easier to meet with other busy single mums as they know how to make space for a cup of tea in a multitude of work/children commitments, are always there when you need them, and most importantly because we are in the same place, going through similar things, we have a much closer bond than what I now have with friends that have been in my life since years ago, we simply understand each other better and it is much easier to make the effort.

But I think what makes all the difference when it comes to having an active social life is recognising that the one who wants to meet is the one who needs to organise it and stop feeling let down when other people don’t or can’t see you when you can. I also suggest mirroring the effort your friends make as this tells you when you need to back off, let them be and wait until they are ready to be in touch again (for me it is just 2-3 times, if they are unavailable AND not suggesting to meet at alternative times, I just put them in the back burner and wait for them to get in touch while I shift the focus on other friendships.

I've found having drinks with my work mates easier than old friends recently - there are fewer expectations and less drama if you don't feel up to it at the last minute. Some of my older friends really make me feel rubbish if I can't keep up with their expectations.

I have a friend like this too, she is increasingly difficult to get hold of, and ultimately she adds nothing to my life these days - so I have stopped getting in touch, and so has she. She seems to have a new group of friends/new housemates/new boyfriend and co/ new flat/ new job etc every few months - I can’t keep up with her life drama.

Maybe you’re not missing out on much OP. She sounds flaky and uninterested