In my 40s - friends feel disappointing. Anyone else felt this?

[S2P78]

I'm 43 and feeling generally pretty disappointed in some of my close friends. Everyone's got stuff going on, and I get that, but these are friends without young kids (the ones I'm talking about here) and it feels things have changed quite a lot. I am in a long-term relationship but I still really need my friends but I guess not everyone's the same.

The friend who calls me her closest friend is barely in touch at all, when I message her she responds about her life, but doesn't ask about mine. She's cancelled the last five times she was meant to come and stay (mostly valid reasons, but doesn't acknowledge it's really quite rubbish) and I organise and go and see her loads (she lives two hours away) - sort her birthday out, send thoughtful cards, etc. She has a lot going on with work, etc, but she has got increasingly self-absorbed and to the point where I feel l might just get really upset about it all as I'm always fitting in around her. Last time I went to see she left me on her sofa while she went out to a work thing she'd forgotten about.

Another friend seems totally absorbed in her relationship and doesn't seem to need our friendship anymore. Hardly gets in touch or arranges to see me, but when she was single I saw her almost every day and she was always in touch.

There are a few examples - there are more. But it's really getting me down as these are my closest friends and I really love and miss them. I get if people have young kids they don't have time for friendships so much but these are people who don't. Do friendships change in your 40s? It really feels mine have - and after covid too as it feels it's made people much more insular and self-focused.

Sorry, should have ended it, 'sharing schoolruns etc.' ☹ !

Sadly many friendships are just instrumental: there and then for whatever context you're operating within.

Sick of it too Pumpkins. Yes people so flaky now. My friend cancelled last month Im not chasing it. Another is retired fair enough her own freedom now but again unless I make the plans.. I feel people are lazy they happy to make zero effort !

Covid has had absolutely no impact on how I relate to my friends. It is often used as an excuse to be lazy.

Yes people are lazy. Happy to sit back! I stopped) got tired of it

I’ve stepped back,

But now I miss them. Although l feel angry too.

It’s a strange position to be in, you end up ruminating over all sorts of things which possibly could have offended them.
I never expected to be in this situation as we’ve all previously discussed the importance of friends especially when your single.

And if this was a dating scenario everyone would say leave them to it!

Hard know yes life is busy for everyone but I feel months could pass by.. I think I had alot of mums at school run but we all moved on now. Friends should be 2 way efforts

Come on people. Your friends are not flaky or lazy. You are no longer a priority for them. If seeing you was a priority for them they would make it happen. Presumably they have lots of energy for things they want to happen. Leave them to it. Find someone who values you. Or if you cant find anyone, do the stuff you want to do in your own. Don't try to manipulate your (ex)friends into being there for you. I don't mean to seem harsh, but contacting people a lot more than they contact you is stalkerish.

Antipod, it can happen, I agree, for instance if someone joins your work team temporarily, leaves within 6 months and doesn't keep in touch, or moves to your village for a few years, then leaves and you don't see them again. BUT, there's a big difference when a friend of approximately 10 years +, starts cancelling plans, not bothering to contact you and seems to have forgotten you were ever friends. THAT'S the hurtful thing, which I, and others on this thread have experienced.

It's a horrible feeling, to he on the receiving end of. Even my dd (late teens) sometimes ask why this 'friend' never comes in for coffee now, and why dh & I don't go out with her & her partner weekend. I've just had to say I don't know. ☹ Nothing happened, no fall-out, they just stopped bothering with us. 🤔

Yes, I've got other friends (well more acquaintances), but hoping friendships will develop from those. And plenty I love doing, but part of me (& dh) will always wonder why they cut us off.

That's awful @PumpkinsandSpice

I was ghosted by what I thought was a good friend a few years ago now. I'ts a shock and makes you question everything about the friendship.

Sadly many friendships are just instrumental: there and then for whatever context you're operating within.

I think this is somewhat true. People change, move away, move on and life is change! It's hurtful though.

I keep up with a group of friends which can fluctuate too. People are busy with this and that. I will certainly be battening the hatches coming dark days, just don't feel like going out in the dark.
I do a lot via social media keeping up with friends.

Thank you, Iflyaway. Such a shame it's happened to you, too. Do these people realise the hurt they cause when they just phase us out like this? Hmm, I wonder. Even though the person who does the ghosting would probably find it awkward to give a reason, I'd actually rather know why, than be left with silence and the wondering. 🤔

Yes, winter evenings to me mean box sets, and jazz evenings at our local pub (with dh, we don't cancel on each other!😀) And only make plans with people who I'm certain will turn up (normally my best friend or sister), being let down/cancelled on isn't something I'm willing to risk any more. xx

Yes its not nice. Im nervous to buy or plan stuff now or tickets if Im stuck with them.. or people cancel on me. People are def flaky these days

I think people can be flaky while still acting polite, so it almost causes confusion that you can’t read the signals right. But you can, they’re not bothered!

Yes exactly, Peachslice. Several times lately I've thought to myself after being cancelled on, 'But SHE mentioned this event to ME, and suggested going together', or 'SHE asked ME to.text her when I'm free for a coffee' etc, and then just cancelled on the day! 😤

It's mixed messages isn't it, saying what they feel they should (so it looks like they're making an effort), then I think they almost plan to cancel last minute. So thoughtless and hurtful. 🤔

I'm the same, Mary about tickets, and try now to avoid situations where I book and the other people pay me. I've been out of pocket before with friends saying 'I'm sure you can find someone to take my place!' It's not that easy if there's nobody available, and the venue can't always refund you, either!

Seen this type of post so often lately, and sympathise. But if we are all the chasers, who are the chased? Are there any people here being pursued/stalked by friends when they don't want to be?

Yes Pumpkins your right. Its easier to just do stuff myself now. Alot posts on here lately about friends cancelling. And no new date set so I let it be now

Happened to me so many times. Friends will suggest meeting, then when we set a date, they cancel. I don't know why they suggest meeting then! When I suggest meeting I always mean to meet.

Then some friends just want to send stupid memes back and forth. I am not keen.

n/a

Its truly amazing how many people are totally self-absorbed. I bet you're the listener!!

Yup. I reckon it's maybe one in 100 who can show even a flicker of interest in the person whose ear they're bending with their own stuff. I've spent years of my life listening to other people going on about themselves without even a single question in return.

To answer your question, OP, I think when we're younger, we have a strong drive to hang out with our peers. Then women settle down and have families, and most become completely absorbed by them. There's just enough time in their life for their job, their partner and their kids. It's sad, but it seems to be a natural evolution.

Yeh its disheartening. Husb friends same no one suggests anything... I let it fizzle. People havent much loyalty now I find.