In my 40s - friends feel disappointing. Anyone else felt this?

[S2P78]

I'm 43 and feeling generally pretty disappointed in some of my close friends. Everyone's got stuff going on, and I get that, but these are friends without young kids (the ones I'm talking about here) and it feels things have changed quite a lot. I am in a long-term relationship but I still really need my friends but I guess not everyone's the same.

The friend who calls me her closest friend is barely in touch at all, when I message her she responds about her life, but doesn't ask about mine. She's cancelled the last five times she was meant to come and stay (mostly valid reasons, but doesn't acknowledge it's really quite rubbish) and I organise and go and see her loads (she lives two hours away) - sort her birthday out, send thoughtful cards, etc. She has a lot going on with work, etc, but she has got increasingly self-absorbed and to the point where I feel l might just get really upset about it all as I'm always fitting in around her. Last time I went to see she left me on her sofa while she went out to a work thing she'd forgotten about.

Another friend seems totally absorbed in her relationship and doesn't seem to need our friendship anymore. Hardly gets in touch or arranges to see me, but when she was single I saw her almost every day and she was always in touch.

There are a few examples - there are more. But it's really getting me down as these are my closest friends and I really love and miss them. I get if people have young kids they don't have time for friendships so much but these are people who don't. Do friendships change in your 40s? It really feels mine have - and after covid too as it feels it's made people much more insular and self-focused.

Yes, it's upsetting when it's just so reciprocated. ☹
If someone messages me, writes a letter in a card, I wouldn't dream of not replying. Even if I can't respond straight away, I'll make sure it's the first thing I do when I've finished work/when I get up next morning, etc. Sadly, I feel those values and maybe longterm friendships, are less important to many people now. 🤔

Sorry I meant to say NOT reciprocated!

I feel like you OP.
But I also feel like your friends.
I gave teens who exhaust me and I don’t really like socialising the way I used to say 5 years ago.
I’m tired, enjoy my peace and think I’m in Peri menopause.

Be kind to them. Perhaps they to have changed and it has nothing to do with you.

I agree with everything you say @Wisteriabloom. I'm like you and would never dream of not replying to someone. It's how I was brought up..my mum was super well mannered and always followed through on her commitments.

I've given up on a few friendships recently. It does make me sad though as I love a good catch up and hearing friends' news.

Thank you Katie. We were brought up in v similar ways, by the sound of it! I've had to let a few friendships fizzle out too, as a few of them just don't ever contact me. Ok, if I text them a lunch or coffee catch-up will happen, but it's very one-way.

I sent someone who I consider a close friend a birthday present recently (it was her 40th and we've always bought presents for each other). I put a lot of thought into choosing it (and it wasn't cheap either)! She texted me just saying 'Thanks for my present! x' No mention of the contents or how much she liked it. When I responded 'You're welcome, hope to see you soon!' she replied 'Yes see you soon hopefully'.

Now for the last couple of years we've only met up if I've suggested it, so surely it's HER turn to instigate? She's obviously not going to though, and much as I miss her I can't keep chasing her. Oh well, another one gone it seems. 🤔 There's not even been a falling out, I don't generally fall out with people!!

Wisteria agree flaky behaviour. Im not bothered now. Works 2 ways. We all juggle elderly parents kids etc. Sick excuses. If I dont arrange or chase it up.. I stopped the chasing up

That's really rubbish @Wisteriabloom. I would find that upsetting too. It's really hard when you're the one who reaches out and nothing really comes back. People often say work on making new friends instead, but that isn't always easy. Plus sometimes you just want to catch up with old friends!

I organised a glass of wine on zoom about a year ago with a friend and we talked about meeting up for a pub lunch with our husbands later that summer. She was going to look at pubs and text some suggestions but I haven't heard a word from her since. I refuse to always be the one to do the chasing, but it's hurtful. The phrase 'people make time for the things that matter' always comes back to me...

Katie agree. You get fed up of must catch up soon x so now I say yeh sure text me what suits and they dont. I started doing cinema and things alone as sick waiting on others

I don’t think it has anything to do with Covid. I’m almost 43 and ever since I left Uni I haven’t made close friends. I had a few that gravitated towards me for a while but did see through them right away as they were only doing it as they had been seeing the back of their previous close friends. See it as a cycle. I am very loyal as a friend and you sound the same, but I stopped getting upset over flaky people. Just see them as coming and going.

I've found some friends have definitely become more insular and self absorbed since covid (post pandemic paranoia?). Maybe we've had time to think about who really matters to us or who was there for us in the crunch of a pandemic. Or maybe it's due to work ramping up since we're all back in the office, or it's an age thing, or a post- social distancing thing. Finding an evening timeslot to get our bookclub together just for a couple of hours recently has been a bloody nightmare!
I also get fed up with being the one who organises things so have decided to step back a bit, let them take up the reins, and find other activities to meet new people and if old relationships disintegrate then so be it. It feels like a postcovid symptom is friendships fragmenting a bit and people just wanting text friends on screen and at arms length and not real "live" friends to meet up with. Maybe some of my relationships have passed their "sell by" date?

This. I'm a shit friend at the moment, I'm totally frazzled and have nothing to give. It's a vicious circle as then I have no support, but I cant snap out of it.
Then TBH I have clearly lost one very good friend because I wasn't responsive enough to her life drama, but tbh I'm so stressed I can't deal with friendships that make me feel guilty about being frazzled at the moment.
It's very rubbish, I don't know what the answer is

I don't bother with trying to have friends much anymore. Been too hurt over the years.

Don't get me wrong, there are still a few people I see/chat to.

Lockdowns helped, because I learned to enjoy my own company even more, and not judge myself based on how many friends I have.

Its hard to keep it all going agree. You get tired always doing the planning though. I have friends that dont drive so that can be tiring. Im joining few new things widen my circle a bit.

I can see that many of you are experiencing the same. 🤔

Katie - I've had similar. A friend & I, plus our partners were due to go out for a meal.last summer. A date was agreed, then when I texted a few days before to confirm time she said they'd completely forgotten, were 'tired' from busy week so could we pick another Saturday. Settled on 2 weeks time, when it came to it they 'couldn't make it', and only let me know the day before. Said she'd be back in touch to rearrange, but this was nearly a year ago and we've heard nothing. ☹ Dh was annoyed too, I've just left it now, it's so hurtful being let down last minute. 🤔

All my friends have disappeared during the pandemic and I thought now that things are getting back to normal that things would pick up again.
They haven't. A lot of people have become very insular - very focused on themselves and their own immediate family.
I was trying desperately to hang on at a hobby group as that was one of my last social events as it were but I've given it up now. People were just so bitchy and nasty and that has got worse since the pandemic. It's a hobby group that was able to meet and do a few things over the last couple of years so it's not like we've had a 2 year gap of not seeing each other. Today I saw a poster for an concert they are putting on (something which was postponed a few times) and I just felt relief that I didn't have to go and hang around with those particular people.
So I'm pretty much on my own now and I was feeling very lonely over winter but I've picked myself up a bit now and I've started a couple of new things where I actually meet people. I doubt there will be friendships formed out of those but at least it's "company" now and then and the people are pleasant to chat to during the activity.

I'm in another country in Europe and we've had a lot of issues with anti-vaxxers against pro-vaxxers. It's very much split society in two and the government (I think) deliberately whipped up this kind of behaviour (to put pressure on those who did not want the vaccine). It's meant that there's been a very nasty atmosphere and I really think that has rubbed off on everyone. I hope it will settle down but I'm not sure it will as they are already "preparing" us for autumn by winding people up about needing more boosters and the vaccination passes coming back etc.

I've been doing similar - I joined a walking group last year, I go once or twice a week and have met some lovely people. They range from late 40's to early 60's, I'm 50 and finding I've got quite a lot in common with some of them, and they always turn up!!

Dh & I have a group of joint friends, we all get together every few months but my one-to-one friendships seem to have fizzled out, unless I do all the running. I actually went to the cinema on my own recently, rather than asking someone and them not committing or cancelling. I enjoyed it, too! 🙂

I feel your pain. I remember after something of a conveniently engineered falling out wondering what would happen if we didn't make the legwork in keeping in contact. Well that was 2006 so am not expecting a phonecall any time soon...

Still, there is less tension since I suspected that set of friends was drifting away anyway and the dynamic was changing to something I wasn't really comfortable with.

Def hard in late 40s to make new friends. I sense with some friends its busy busy and they dont commit. Disheartening. I dont want be always chasing up or doing the driving route so just let it go. I joined a walking like another poster that gets me out.

Who engineered it, you or them and why?

I think our user names are quite synchronous!!!

I have a friend like this, well two, actually. One is just ridiculous, after giving her lots of support and listening to her for hours at a time about her problems, she continues with self-destructive behaviour and still never makes the first calls with anyone.

Another one became covid-obsessed and just couldn't be bothered getting in touch, so I just stopped. She has messaged again to say she's been a terrible friend and is just about to go on holiday to Gran Canaria (cue lots of talk about hand gel, distancing and masks) and will arrange a lunch when she gets back. I'll leave that up to her.

I have about 8 really good, close friends, and we meet up separately or sometimes in groups. I can't be doing with flakiness at all. I don't flake and I expect the same from friends, too, taking into account that "stuff happens". If I had problems that stopped me meeting, I'd at least keep in touch to keep people updated on that.

So glad I found this thread, albeit an old one. I’m late 40s single, split with ex earlier this year after dating for a few years, I’ve no children and a somewhat strained relationship with my only sibling.

In my 30s and early 40s I had a fulfilling social circle, but the inevitable happens relationships become serious and babies come along, and those friendships have drifted sadly, the usual pattern of simple coffee dates being suggested by yourself and nothing coming to fruition, yet you see on social media those people meeting up for coffee etc with other people.
But there were thankfully a couple of friends who didn’t have children, and were also single. One of those friends a few years ago started to become distant despite me trying several approaches including being direct and asking if I’d done something, and earlier this year sadly she lost her dad, her communication was much better actually during this time but now she’s gone back to making me feel like she’s avoiding me, she apparently told another friend she was reviewing all her friendships. So I’ve suggested about 4 meet ups in the last few months and she’s brushed them off, yet in that time she’s gone on holiday with another friend, I would normally have been invited on holidays including the planning stage but i didn’t get a look in, this other friend is also acting distant with me.
As a belated birthday gift for one of them I’ve booked a table at a nice restaurant this weekend, when confirming with them, their responses have been “Fine”. I almost feel like saying I’m ill and forwarding her the cash so they can still go without me.
Thank god I have my dog, he literally has become my best friend, and as you can imagine I’m really looking forward to Christmas…

@Peachslice Sorry to hear you're going through this; I'm experiencing similar but am in a different position to you as I'm a solo parent by choice. On the contrary, I find myself reaching out to people just like I had done before having the child, so I'm not sure what's gone wrong with these friendships...you can only do so much! I don't have any answers, and making "new friends" isn't so straightforward. A lot of people I've come across lately do not want to expand their social circles in a meaningful way. Glad to hear your dog is keeping you company!

I’m in my late 50’s. It’s the same for me.

People l used to see twice a month just floating off. Unless l chase them l don’t really hear from them. I never thought it would happen, but it has. And I’m sad😢but I’m not chasing. I’m always the one who chases. And I’ve stopped now.

The thing is if I go along to the meal I know nothing will change, and they’ll be pleasant but not their old selves, and I’ll be left feeling like I do now.

I sympathise, Peachslice. 🤔 You've done a thoughtful, lovely thing organising this meal too, you'd think your friend could show more enthusiasm.

Around Easter time, dh & I were supposed to go out for a meal with my friend & her dh. I texted a few days before to check they were still up for it, only for my friend to text back saying they'd completely forgotten and could we do it another time. A date, 2 weeks on was agreed, I booked the restaurant and she messaged again, the day before saying they now couldn't make it but they'd be in touch to rearrange. Guess what, they haven't been and this was 6 months ago! 😠

It's so hurtful, I occasionally bump into her in town and she's friendly enough, but never initiates contact though. I can only think she found me convenient when our kids were at school.together, and now they're at different Uni's she can't be bothered any more. 🙁

Why do people do this? I thought our friendship extended beyond sharing school runs et.