In my 40s - friends feel disappointing. Anyone else felt this?

[S2P78]

I'm 43 and feeling generally pretty disappointed in some of my close friends. Everyone's got stuff going on, and I get that, but these are friends without young kids (the ones I'm talking about here) and it feels things have changed quite a lot. I am in a long-term relationship but I still really need my friends but I guess not everyone's the same.

The friend who calls me her closest friend is barely in touch at all, when I message her she responds about her life, but doesn't ask about mine. She's cancelled the last five times she was meant to come and stay (mostly valid reasons, but doesn't acknowledge it's really quite rubbish) and I organise and go and see her loads (she lives two hours away) - sort her birthday out, send thoughtful cards, etc. She has a lot going on with work, etc, but she has got increasingly self-absorbed and to the point where I feel l might just get really upset about it all as I'm always fitting in around her. Last time I went to see she left me on her sofa while she went out to a work thing she'd forgotten about.

Another friend seems totally absorbed in her relationship and doesn't seem to need our friendship anymore. Hardly gets in touch or arranges to see me, but when she was single I saw her almost every day and she was always in touch.

There are a few examples - there are more. But it's really getting me down as these are my closest friends and I really love and miss them. I get if people have young kids they don't have time for friendships so much but these are people who don't. Do friendships change in your 40s? It really feels mine have - and after covid too as it feels it's made people much more insular and self-focused.

I only bother with friends if it is both ways and there is no pressure.

Yes has work both ways as my friend says we all have phones.. my friends have changed alot school run we were at different stages with kids. Its harder when u older too (49)

I can totally sympathise. I have a similar situation with a supposed close friend and my sister. Both very wrapped up in their own worlds, ignore my texts, only contact when it’s to do with them and no interest in recent health issues I’m having.
I guess the answer is to try not to take it personally and try to meet new friends- easier said than done though.

Thanks for starting this thread, it's very interesting and reassuring to be honest. I'm sorry you're all going through this too, it can be confusing and depressing. I have struggled for some time with similar friendship issues, but I definitely managed much better when I was younger (not being a drinker maybe doesn't help now?). Also think trying not to take it personally, as if you do it can be very destructive for your confidence. Anyone think lockdown and Covid has played a part, as people have got used to spending more time at home/prioritising their own needs and comfort to a greater extent?

@crochetcrazy1978

I'm really struggling with friendships at the min and feeling lonely. I had a lot of friends pre pandemic but it just seems like everyone shut down into their family units. When restrictions eased I was hoping things would get back to normal but hardly anyone is interested in going out. When I do manage to meet up with people it's at my instigation. I've started a new job and am starting to make friendships there. It's just sad and has battered my self esteem, I'm 44

@crochetcrazy1978

I'm sorry to hear that op. Are you single and don't have children?

When I was single and childless I felt very invisible to other friends who had nuclear family units. I don't know why I didn't get invited to places, I'm pleasant and easy going I'd say but there's something about "family time" which for some reason puts a barrier to others being invited in. I have since go on to have a child (solo mother by choice) and have since made a conscious decision to invite my friends to any outgoings with my son. I understand not everyone will want to do 'baby friendly' activities but at the moment this is the only way I can socialise and don't have any childcare

I think everyone feels like this at times. You suddenly look around and feel like Billy no mates :)

When I was there, I decided to back off from any friendships where I felt it was one way traffic and just see what transpired. Sadly it meant I lost some people I had considered good friends.

Since then I make an effort with women I meet, at work, in an exercise class etc. It's hard work, but being more open has meant some new friends have developed.

I also agree with a PP that some women devote their entire existence to their partners and kids and are not interested in female friendships, that's their choice. Personally I think female friendships can be among the most rewarding relationships in our lives, but no point making an effort with someone who isn't like minded .

Hi OP, I've bee feeling v similar recently. I'm a bit older (50), but have experienced the following recently -

Someone I see as one of my closest friends now NEVER contacts me first. This has been for the last couple of years. We last met up just before Xmas (instigated by me), and I've not heard a word since. ☹
Dh says why don't you just text her, but I can't KEEP on running after her, much as I miss her.

I'm also in another friendship group with 2 others, (we take turns meeting at each others' houses. I invited them to mine a few weeks ago (pizza/prosecco & catch-up). They seemed keen, said they'd definitely be there, only for one to cancel a few hours before (too much to do apparently🤔), and the other one shortly afterwards (too tired after work). 🤔 This was AFTER I'd shopped, tidied and set the table. I was SO upset and annoyed!

I was also going to see a show with two friends, just before Xmas. One cancelled with just a few hours notice (not feeling well, even though she'd been out to lunch with someone earlier in the day). 😲
When I offered to get her a ticket she was so keen, but obv couldn't be bothered on the day. Please, if you're the types of friends who treat people this way, give a thought to people like me, the OP and others on this thread - it's really not a nice feeling at all! ☹

People flake all the time, and up-to-the-line cancellations are seen as ok now rather than not the done thing which doesn’t help. Less energy in your 40s and 50s too.

What I would say is that you haven’t lost anything like as much as you think in those friends. And the women who immerse themselves in childcare for decades also end up hideously lonely when DC lose interest in them.

People think nothing of flaking, sadly, but I find it hurtful and unacceptable. Barring illness, or worse, of course. This can happen to us all at times.

But the ones who commit, then suddenly have 'too much to do/tired/doublebooked etc', really need to think about those they're cancelling on, (people like me, and others, who've rushed from work to meet them/shopped specially for their visit/gone out of my way to get an extra ticket for someone/booked a table) etc, to then get cancelled on with no time to rearrange/ask someone else. It's hurtful, feeling rejected if someone can't be bothered, or a better offer comes up.

If I accept an invite or say I'll be somewhere, I'm there, unless there's an unavoidable reason why not!

Children are very absorbing though. I had mine late at the age of 41. I have been a single parent for most of it too. Italy's friends but prefer quality to quantity.

Meant to say I prefer quality.

Thats lousy wisteria. Hate flaky behaviour. I took a huge step back this year. It was take take.

This thread has really helped, one of my 'best' friends cancelled again today she has at least given a weeks notice. I'm in the mindset of not chasing friends and being open to making new ones. It's hard making friends in your forties tho x

To be honest, I’m now ‘that’ friend. It’s because I feel crap all of the time and the lockdowns have made me a bit of a hermit. I know I’m hurting my friends. I have explained, but I just can’t help it.

7eleven, thanks for your honesty. But are you choosing to see some friends and not others, and based on what? Or are you really just spending a lot more time alone?

@middlenglander

7eleven, thanks for your honesty. But are you choosing to see some friends and not others, and based on what? Or are you really just spending a lot more time alone?

Apart from work (which I do from home) I’m seeing only one friend very occasionally. I know there’s a couple of old friends who feel a bit let down, and I’m really sorry about it. I just have nothing to give. I think Covid has irreparably changed lives.

7eleven, I appreciate you're finding things hard at the moment, I can tell that from your very honest posts.

But please, if you're in the habit of cancelling on people, it's really better not to commit to plans, or accept invites to things if you know deep down, you're going to bail on the day.

I obviously don't know you personally, but in the last few months I've really felt let down and rejected by a few people I regarded as friends. It's a horrible feeling to have spent time prepping for visitors, only to have them not turn up and make a flaky excuse last minute, or to plan your day around meeting up with someone, only to be texted it's not happening when you've already left to meet them. Please bear this in mind! Several cancellations in a row, or months of no contact can really upset a good friend (like me and others), and leave us constantly wondering what we've done wrong. There's also the embarrassment factor of being let down in front of other people, at times it's made me feel like a right 'Billy No Mates'. ☹

@Wisteriabloom oh I completely agree. I don’t make the plans in the first place. I mean I know there are a couple of friends who feel ghosted.

Wisteria its hard. But hurtful to be let down too. But I find the yep must meet up frustrating/unless I chase it up. I joined a walking group as need new interests

I used to be prone to cancelling on people when much younger but I did not know I am neurodiverse. I am planning to join a local social meet group but am thinking of telling them right from the off I can't be there all the time and cannot cope with too much social pressure.

Mary46 - That's a coincidence - I've recently joined a walking group too! Have met some lovely people, and even if a few sometimes can't make it, there are always enough of us to form a group. 🙂
Hope you're enjoying yours, too!

Thanks wisteria alot pulled out. Tonight could be 4 us but gets me out. Its hard to make friends its not as easy as people think when we older

@Wisteriabloom

People think nothing of flaking, sadly, but I find it hurtful and unacceptable. Barring illness, or worse, of course. This can happen to us all at times.

But the ones who commit, then suddenly have 'too much to do/tired/doublebooked etc', really need to think about those they're cancelling on, (people like me, and others, who've rushed from work to meet them/shopped specially for their visit/gone out of my way to get an extra ticket for someone/booked a table) etc, to then get cancelled on with no time to rearrange/ask someone else. It's hurtful, feeling rejected if someone can't be bothered, or a better offer comes up.

If I accept an invite or say I'll be somewhere, I'm there, unless there's an unavoidable reason why not!

Agree. If I've committed I'm there. I've pulled back from some friendships where I do all the legwork and as a result, sadly, I no longer see at least 4 people I thought of as good friends. The flakes and the types who won't commit just cause me too much hurt.

I have ADHD so am neurodivergent but always very reliable. If you think you're going to cancel be self aware and don't agree to plans in the first place.

We obviously think along the same lines, Frenzied! And yes, it's very demoralising when you value a friendship but have to do all the 'legwork' to keep it going.

I'm feeling like that about a friend at the moment, we live a long way from each other about 200 miles, but with Facebook, WhatsApp etc it's not hard to keep in touch!

She sends birthday cards, Xmas cards, (as do I), 'likes' the odd thing on my Facebook but rarely posts anything herself. I sometimes put a letter in my cards, with some news/asking about the family, no response ever, ☹, until my next birthday comes round and then a generic 'Happy Birthday' card arrives, with nothing in it, only 'Love from X'. She recently turned 50, I sent a card, and messaged her too, asked how she's celebrating, how her move went (she recently sent me a 'change of address' card, and some of our news. I can see she opened & read my message on her birthday, a few weeks ago now - no response at all, and just a 'like' on Facebook on my 'Happy Birthday'.

I"m sad about it, we've known each other over 30 years (met at school), I was bridesmaid for her years ago, and we've never lost contact, she just chooses to keep it minimal. WHY, I wonder? Oh well, I won't be messaging or writing anymore, I'll just stick to simple greetings cards and the odd 'Like' on Facebook like she does, then. It's a shame though, many people just can't be bothered to make the effort, it seems.

Yes tired of putting in all the effort/legwork into friends. Sometimes things just run their course. So I let it fizzle out. I have 3 good friends they loyal