In my 40s - friends feel disappointing. Anyone else felt this?

[S2P78]

I'm 43 and feeling generally pretty disappointed in some of my close friends. Everyone's got stuff going on, and I get that, but these are friends without young kids (the ones I'm talking about here) and it feels things have changed quite a lot. I am in a long-term relationship but I still really need my friends but I guess not everyone's the same.

The friend who calls me her closest friend is barely in touch at all, when I message her she responds about her life, but doesn't ask about mine. She's cancelled the last five times she was meant to come and stay (mostly valid reasons, but doesn't acknowledge it's really quite rubbish) and I organise and go and see her loads (she lives two hours away) - sort her birthday out, send thoughtful cards, etc. She has a lot going on with work, etc, but she has got increasingly self-absorbed and to the point where I feel l might just get really upset about it all as I'm always fitting in around her. Last time I went to see she left me on her sofa while she went out to a work thing she'd forgotten about.

Another friend seems totally absorbed in her relationship and doesn't seem to need our friendship anymore. Hardly gets in touch or arranges to see me, but when she was single I saw her almost every day and she was always in touch.

There are a few examples - there are more. But it's really getting me down as these are my closest friends and I really love and miss them. I get if people have young kids they don't have time for friendships so much but these are people who don't. Do friendships change in your 40s? It really feels mine have - and after covid too as it feels it's made people much more insular and self-focused.

Yes, completely sympathise with this… I thought I had great friendships in my 20s & 30s - plenty of brilliant nights out or evenings in gossiping over wine etc, but now 42, after pandemic, people are absorbed in own life, relationships, kids etc… I can often reach out for a generic catch up suggestion & I get so upset when can see message is read and ignored… I know people are busy and move into different phases in life but really miss old friendships & a good girlie natter over coffee / wine… I know I’m probably overly-sensitive with this and people are busy with life, or some friendships move on & grow out of… often I find some work colleagues are more available for a chat, advice or a laugh than old friends… it’s been a strange couple of years, and early 40s also a strange phase… sometimes wish there was a tinder to find new friendships!

I feel this too OP! I have 2 really close friends who I feel like I've disconnected with over the past few years and it makes me really sad. We're still in touch and meet up as and when but it's nowhere near as often as it was during the last 10/15 years. I think sometimes maybe that's just the way it is? I try not to read too much into it but your post really resonated with me! At one time we were literally inseparable, all in relationships/marriages, but we were so close. I have other mates but when I get together with these 2 (separately or altogether) everything just seems to click and we have the best time. Life just gets in the way I suppose. I just feel thankful that we have each other, even though the friendship has changed.

I think the first friendship has drifted, honestly I spent years going hours out of my way and spending a small fortune on visiting friends who never visited me. I got a bit older, settled into my home and started to get busier so just started to prioritise friends who made the effort to visit, or meet half way and make local friends. Maybe reframe it in your mind as you moving on and mirroring the effort she gives, maybe she will start to make the effort maybe she won’t.
The second friendship should have learned as a teenager that dumping your pals for a boyfriend means you won’t have any friends.

@maria156 there is a tinder type thing just for meeting new friends. It’s called Meet Up 😊 I’ve met a few new friends from there and they’ve turned into really great friendships

Friend is a verb not a noun. If they are not actively engaged in behaving like a friend towards you then stop directing energy and acre towards them. It's the same with love and mother and lots of other verb/noun constructs. That person has to be 'doing' to qualify. Not just 'being'.

I feel for you. I had a really close friend who made no effort to meet, often giving impressively flaky reasons why not and never showing any positivity re. the idea of meeting. I just felt really undervalued by her actions (though I don't think she necessarily meant me to feel that.) But I've drawn back from the friendship massively and it's surprised me how good it has been for my mental health.

I've realised friends who I didn't consider that close have actually become close when I've put that energy into those friendships instead.

Hope you find some lovely new friends who appreciate you.

I think Covid has highlighted a couple of flakey friends, who I have been close to for years, but during covid, they just fizzled out. I contacted them as restrictions were ending, and got lip service about meeting to catch up, but arrangements were cancelled. I then just stopped contacting them, and it’s so long ago since I was in contact with them, that it would feel really awkward now, so I’ve kind of accepted the friendships have gone. You sound like you’ve done all what you can op, and I would now just step back and see how much they value your friendship. If they don’t contact you, then you have your answer. Just focus on the friends who you have maintained contact with.

@headspin10

I feel for you. I had a really close friend who made no effort to meet, often giving impressively flaky reasons why not and never showing any positivity re. the idea of meeting. I just felt really undervalued by her actions (though I don't think she necessarily meant me to feel that.) But I've drawn back from the friendship massively and it's surprised me how good it has been for my mental health.

I've realised friends who I didn't consider that close have actually become close when I've put that energy into those friendships instead.

Hope you find some lovely new friends who appreciate you.

Absolutely agree with you as I found too that friends who I hadn’t considered massively close ones before, have proved to be the ones that now make the effort. These are who I class as ‘newer’ friends. Maybe longer established friends start taking things for granted and being lazy at maintaining the friendships.

Absolutely OP. I’m mid 40s and have a tonne of flakely friends. I also seem to be a master at collecting friends who seem to expect me to move heaven and earth to meet them with minimal to no effort in their part . DH actually banned me from
Making effort with a couple of them (he isn’t the controlling type at all) because he could see how much it upset me. Funnily enough, when I stopped making effort they upped their game.
I do think all friendships have seasons, but I don’t buy excuses- a PP said teens are all consuming. I have 2 DC (not yet teens), an almost full time job and a DH who works away from home for half the week, so if I can make time to see people someone with teens can. It’s about priorities and if you are important enough your friend will make time to see you. I’d ageee with other op that you do find new friends. I’ve made a new friend in the last 6 months. She’s bonkers and not my ‘normal’ friend at all but we have loads of fun when we go out, in fact she is probably the person I’ve gone out with mist in the last 6 months.
I stopped wasting time over people who aren’t prepared to equally prioritize me.

Yes it works both ways I got tired of doing all the chasing. I agree with another post a hobby can be good.

I agree @Welshgal85. I used to spend so much time chasing around after people. I went through an awful patch of feeling really lonely when I realised it was mainly me making all the effort, but then came to an acceptance of sorts.

I focus on my family now, plus volunteering, exercise. I'm done making an effort with flaky friends who give nothing back. My self esteem was really starting to suffer...

@maria156

Yes, completely sympathise with this… I thought I had great friendships in my 20s & 30s - plenty of brilliant nights out or evenings in gossiping over wine etc, but now 42, after pandemic, people are absorbed in own life, relationships, kids etc… I can often reach out for a generic catch up suggestion & I get so upset when can see message is read and ignored… I know people are busy and move into different phases in life but really miss old friendships & a good girlie natter over coffee / wine… I know I’m probably overly-sensitive with this and people are busy with life, or some friendships move on & grow out of… often I find some work colleagues are more available for a chat, advice or a laugh than old friends… it’s been a strange couple of years, and early 40s also a strange phase… sometimes wish there was a tinder to find new friendships!

I ended up on a website that's like a dating website for friends @maria156. Can't remember the name of it. It shocks me now now lonely and low I was. I'll be honest, it wasn't really the answer.

I also remember googling 'what to do when no-one cares about you'. And I'm someone that people would consider popular/busy, which just goes to show how deceptive appearances can be..

I know what you mean. I was having a pity party about my lack of friends today. Truth is I've never had loads of friends despite that being the model we are force fed. I think it's a mix of not really wanting it and struggling to navigate some of the flakeness that goes on.

I had more friends when the DCs were young. But truth be told most of then were circumstantial. We were all at the same stage of life and forced to have contact with each other.

Today I walked past a group of women who I used to spend time with, but they still see each other. On the surface it looks lovely and I'll admit it smarted a bit to see them. But the truth is I remember all the bitching and backstabbing. I doubt thats changed and was why I slowly stepped away, so I can hardly complain when they all still get on!

Unfortunately I find most friendships are anything but that. I also feel I don't really need it as much now that I'm 50. I just wonder if this is a time of life where you need to look inwards to prepare for the next stage of life.

I’m getting drunk and eating sweets tonight as realised this week a friendship is no longer worth saving. She finally has everything she wants and no longer needs friendship or support. After tonight I’m over it, but giving it the send off it needs.

I've also become more discerning about what a friend is. I am self employed after gaining some key qualifications in the last few years in a sector where people like to ask a 'quick question, ' which generally means hours of work for me for nothing. It's amazing how many 'friends' who get in touch but don't want to know me the rest of the time. I now send them to my team to book an appointment.

I am also 43 and feel exactly like this.

I am tired of making excuses for people now. If they are a shit friend to me, I now pull back and shut off a little. I can't be arsed with selfish people, that's no friendship at all. I am trying to concentrate on those friends that do add something to my life.

A lot of women make lousy friends because they let their partners and children become all consuming and then panic when partners leave and kids get older— I learnt a very hard lesson in my early 50s- do not let partners and kids become your whole life— you may be lucky— it may come to totally bite you on the arse!!!

I find they are mostly self absorbed.
I told one friend that I had lost my job, and she replied how tired she was working and couldn’t wait for the weekend. Nothing else. Some people can’t look past themselves.

I had many friendships based on me making the effort and especially doing all the travelling. Now I won’t do it then the friendships have fizzled out as they can’t be expected to travel or meet halfway.

I have a good friend from uni who lives about 3 hours away. She regularly suggests I should travel to see them, no chance she would come here. The one time we were talking about meeting up half way for lunch she kept changing the dates so her husband could come. I have zero interest in seeing her husband (whom I vaguely know, he hardly speaks), my DH couldn’t come and I wouldn’t want him to come either. I wanted to see my friend. So I stopped pushing for dates.

Many people are shut down since the pandemic. Trapped and bogged down with lifestyles they cannot get out of. They have lost the ability to see past their own context and have little or nothing to offer to any of their friends.

Oh I know how you feel. Most of my friends in my 20s were male, and over time they almost all of them have disappeared. Then I have the old friend who popped over to see me 5 years ago when my husband had just left me, she spent a whole day talking about herself and how few friends she has. Since that exhausting day I decided to only make effort if she contacted me and guess what she's not come to see me since.

My problem is most of my bestest friends that make the effort are no longer UK based. I am ND so that also makes things hard.
I remember having a quarter life crisis at University when who I thought were awesome friends disappeared when I was finding it tough - that sucked and that most of my friendships were a bit one-sided. That's when I also found out that depression gatekeeping is a thing.

Later on I made friends in other places but it was again up to me to make anything happen and when I did they cancelled usually. I sometimes wondered about having a 'cancel' themed party when I big something up, hype it up and then actually do fuck all so it wastes their time! But that will stay a fantasy.

Thing is, many of them were friends of convenience and of proximity - when effort was involved it ceased. We had a friends diet in out late 20's when we got kicked out of a party and bitched at and they seemed surprised when we stopped contact.

If you can count your actual friends on one hand - you are actually doing real well.

A lot of women make lousy friends because they let their partners and children become all consuming

I think this is true and I hold my hands up and confess this is me. My friends are all away for the weekend but I'm not going...I'm chauffeuring my Ds to his activities and dh will probably go out with his friends and I feel guilty spending money as I have my dds new secondary uniform to buy. My DC aren't tiny anymore but I find them all consuming

It also depends how extrovert we are. Some people need and crave plenty of friends but many others do not.

This is an interesting thread, with so many people experiencing similar. I do wander if we just expect too much from friendships, particularly when we give a lot of ourselves to it. I know I have in the past! And whether this is more of a female trait, my dh has friends from all over that occasionally go out or contact him for a catch up.
He makes zero effort in his friendships and has never felt left out or taken for granted or any of the things I have felt with some of my friendships over the years, I think purely cos he doesn't care about it, but still enjoys meeting up with them iyswim.

Myself and my friends are in that sandwich generation age range so friends have dc still at home or just off to University and ageing parents. We had DS starting High school and two parental deaths in the same year and then both had complex issues with their estates. I was also still working FT and DH was off overseas with work but in a totally unpredictable pattern. It was part of his job and did my head in sometimes, oh I’m off to Malaysia, Poland, Brunei, Holland or wherever it was for 3 days or 2 weeks lasted for almost a decade.

I spent two years travelling hundreds of miles to see my Dad who had cancer and my Mother and many years supporting them with sorting out paperwork and services. So I was that absorbed person for a few years.

Also some friendships are of the time when I look back at my University friends. I am in touch with two properly we fit personality wise but one of the others still likes to get really drunk and is still the same as all those years ago. She tried to instigate a big University reunion of loads of us but the pandemic hit. She would want to get pissed and go clubbing. I’m meeting up with one of them soon, were going to Chatsworth and out for lunch, then they will come back for dinner at mine and a couple of drinks.
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The pandemic has given many people a lot of time to think for the first time. Some of that thinking has led to depression but also I’m only doing what I want to,