I think I need to cancel my wedding

[Wouldyoubabys]

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it.

Surprising his ex didn’t divorce him given how wealthy he is.

OP is allowed one emotionally vulnerable day when she doesn't want other people in her house ffs. That doesn't mean she doesn't support her partner's daughter.

Baffled by the people thinking she deserves whatever she gets for telling her partner she hates him. He's being a dick. Do these people never say mean things in an argument? It does happen you know.

I WOULD pack a bag and leave though, OP, because he sounds horrible.

Or rather, you should get him to leave.

@Fairyliz
Your opinion of the age gap your assuming the OP and her partner have is irrelevant here. I was pointing out that you’re making an assumption based on pretty insubstantial evidence.
Any age gap is also not related to whether or not he’s a kind and thoughtful person who cares about the OP.
You’re just trying to kick the OP while she’s down. It’s just being cruel for the sake of it. Your ‘advice’ is worse than useless to OP.

YOU don't do anything re the wedding. His fuck up, he can cancel everything and tell people that the weddings been cancelled/postponed.

As for moving out, tell him to do one, it's half your house so you're not going anywhere - like he said to you about his dd and wife coming round 'it's my house too'

Time to get angry op, this is all on him!

He sounds like a tool op

@Turningpurple It does take longer now due to that 20 week wait but that doesn't apply to divorces under the old fault based system, which must be OP's fiance's assuming he's issued by now. Otherwise there would be no chance.

@Eddielizzard

We normally have a very normal abs boring Life - this blow up is extreme and rare and shit.

Whenever I read these sorts of statements I always think , I bet things bumble along nicely while you do what your OH wants. The second things don't go their way is when the shit hits the fan. And this is why you should think so very carefully before marrying him. Things WILL go wrong, during the course of a lifetime, and you really want to know that your legal NOK has your back.

This man doesn't divorce his wife, doesn't tell you, doesn't sort it, moans that you're nagging him, moans to the company that he's up shit creek, poor him, and his DP is giving him shit, not taking account of your feelings AT ALL, isn't speaking to you, invites his WIFE and DD round against your wishes, and then tells you to pack a bag.

Think carefully. Don't airbrush the horrible 5% for the ok 95%, because one day, those percentages may very swap round.

I have to agree with the above. This is all his fault so why are you getting the grief over it? Use this situation as a blessing in disguise. Get your joint finances separated with the view of leaving. Its not going to end well. Sorry op

@ZeldaFighter

I'm obsessed with death and inheritance (long, sad stories) but it is chilling me that if OP's partner had died suddenly at any point since they moved in together, his (not-"ex")wife would have been legally entitled to half the OP's house. I hope she is nice because what normally happens then is that the OP and her son have to move out to pay the wife her half-share. And until their legal status changes, that could still happen.

Let's hope he doesn't eat that heart-attack-inducing McDonald's....

You might be obsessed with it but you'd be wrong there.

If the house is held as joint tenants it automatically belongs to the OP on the DPs death. Regardless if he's married to someone else.

He cannot will it away from her either.

If it is tenants in common then he can will it away, and if no will then yes the wife gets his half to a certain value and the kids get a % of the rest with the wife getting the other %.

Money abd other assets not held jointly would also go to the wife in the same way as above. But other jointly held assets, including joint bank accounts, also transfer to the OP.

But, yes, the OP seems to be in a precarious situation, especially as she appears to have no income and a child from a previous relationship who is also presumably partly reliant on this man.

OP if you are unsure you should definitely not be committing. Sorry to tell you but no one (unless they have some issue like dementia) forgets they are married. He has also not treated you well over this.

I would be calling the whole thing off until you decided what you want. That could be splitting or it could be marrying later.

Just stop and take a breath.

You're both lashing out in anger and are just going to hurt each other more if you carry on talking about it.

Have some space, and take time to make any decisions.

I'm not sure I buy all this story. Surely nobody could have got that far without much more detailed discussion of money etc.

@AntarcticTern

To be fair OP, however wealthy he is, I think that he's allowed to be gutted that he's going to lose £30k and for that to be what he's focusing on! The wedding can be postponed.

But is literally all his fault. Who books a wedding when still married. Who thinks the money is the worst thing when his wife to be is feeling let down and deceived? Who wants to be with someone like that

Haven't rtft but presumably the 30k is for the venue/meals etc.
If they're not going to refund I'd go ahead and have the celebration.

A ceremony to celebrate your union for friends and family to attend.

Get married quietly in a registry office as soon as you can.

Like fuck would I lose 30k.

@Collaborate

I am a divorce solicitor. Assuming he issued the petition online before no-fault came in yesterday you should be able to have decree nisi by July. It can take as little as 3 months from start to finish using the online system.

Isn't it the decree absolute that's required?

I can’t keep up with everyone, but I’m here.

We were friends before we got together (met at work) and he just always called her his ex wife. It was over a decade ago so I never asked about paperwork etc as I just assumed it was done back then. She calls him her ex husband and has her maiden name. The kids didn’t know they weren’t divorced either.

To keep this vague - there is 10 years between us. Dp took early retirement as he sold his businesses. He had his eldest child young and then there’s a gap and we have kids similar ages (his slightly older)

I’m not normally controlled - he can be an arse who’s used to getting his own way, but I hold my own where I need to and we normally rub along really well.

He has just submitted a D10 I think @Collaborate. he’s using a fast track company who said initially there shouldn’t be a problem with the timeline. Now they are saying there potentially could be and wouldn’t proceed. He’s applied to expediate something, but I don’t know what without checking.

He’s coming home now apparently - he has messaged one of our kids to say so. I don’t know how I feel, other than numb. I’m trying not to get this out of proportion, but his reaction to it is what hurts. The wedding is one day, I could have coped with that, but only as a team - where as this feels like we are very separate on it all.

I’m meant to be out tonight and I need to cancel but I don’t know what to say.

Yes, we need the absolute to give notice in June for the July wedding

@Tippletopple I didn't say that it was acceptable but that many men say things like this without even thinking that it's offensive. It sounds like he's in his 60s (and a total twat) and that's how men of his age and type talk. I can totally imagine what sort of man he is and how he refuses to take responsibility for his own failings.

I happen to think the bigger issue is 'forgetting' he was married.

[quote Collaborate]@Turningpurple It does take longer now due to that 20 week wait but that doesn't apply to divorces under the old fault based system, which must be OP's fiance's assuming he's issued by now. Otherwise there would be no chance.[/quote]
Ah right.

I thought in the old system it tool more than 12 weeks to get the absolute as well.

Got myself confused.

Also his wife has kept very quiet about it until now hasn’t she?

I wouldn’t trust either of them.

No advice but sending you a hand hold

To be fair (to those commenting on how the 'ex wife' is still the 'wife'), I am not yet divorced (in the long process) but have been separated for over 4 years and refer to him as my ex husband because I don't want to refer to him as my husband when he had an affair and we have not been living as husband and wife for so long.

@girlmom21

I texted him to say I hate him right now. He’s texted back to say I should pack a bag and leave. I don’t actually know if he means this

I'd tell you to pack a bag and leave if you told me you hated me too.

^That. If you tell someone you HATE them - prepare for the consequences. It's a terrible thing to say.

I am in Scotland where laws are different. But do his ex and he not have to agree money, terms etc before the divorce paperwork can be submitted? My DP and his ex have been separated for ages but can't agree so it keeps stalling. Could that hold things up further? The process may be different where you are.

Divorce lawyer here also.
D10 is an acknowledgement form which would mean he is respondent and his ex is petitioner. Which would mean she is in charge of timeline. Which she may not want to expedite if financial issues are not resolved.

However I would also say in a 20 year career I have had several men unsure if they are divorced or not. There was a common misconception that if separated for a period of time then a divorce could take place without one party knowing about it. It is a misconception but one I have come across. Or the process has started, stalled and one or both parties are unsure of where it has got to.