I think I need to cancel my wedding

[Wouldyoubabys]

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

Surprising his ex didn’t divorce him given how wealthy he is

That could well be why he's dragged it out - also why he's not prioritising a second marriage with the responsibilities it would bring and the possible effect on his assets

It's all very well appearing to do something about it now, but those "somethings" can be halted, and it doesn't alter the fact that his response to OP's upset was "pack your bags"
But then from someone who can be "an arse who's used to getting his own way" that's perhaps not surprising

OP, talk to him about how you feel, approaching this difficulty as a team etc.

WRT house ownership @VanGoghsDog @ZeldaFighter one major issue if the house is Joint Tenants and the OP were to die, full ownership would revert to her Dp, and potentially then to his not-divorced wife. Leaving the OP’s Ds high and dry.

Potentially. Possibly?

There’s no way he forgot he was married. And he pretended to get engaged and let you tell people. You sent invitations out knowing he was still married. I suspect he would have told you last minute forcing you to have a ‘commitment’ ceremony not a wedding. No idea of current divorce waits but here was a big backlog due to covid court delays - orders were taking weeks to come out. Plus family solicitors will be extra busy now no fault come jn.
It happens more than you think. The sort of man who forgets he’s married is also the sort to forget to update will or nominate his girlfriend for his death in service payment etc.
I’ve told this before on here but a woman come in to solicitors I worked in as she’d seen in local paper man had died in factory accident. They had married as teens never divorced (everyone thought we had) She got the lot - death in service, pension, house. His girlfriend of over 20 years who he had kids with got nothing.

Just go ahead with your plans for the ceremony and do the legal bit at a later date?

@HomeHomeInTheRange

OP, talk to him about how you feel, approaching this difficulty as a team etc.

WRT house ownership @VanGoghsDog @ZeldaFighter one major issue if the house is Joint Tenants and the OP were to die, full ownership would revert to her Dp, and potentially then to his not-divorced wife. Leaving the OP’s Ds high and dry.

Potentially. Possibly?

Absolutely that could happen.

My now-ex was still married but separated for quite a while when I met him and I refused to buy a house with him until he was divorced (though we bought as tenants in common anyway and had a deed of trust).

In theory the DP once op has died and he's got full ownership of the house he could will it wherever he wants, but as he's clearly not tight on life admin I wouldn't rely on him dealing with this or getting it right.

Incredible that they're not divorced and he has now sold a business and is very well off. She's still technically entitled to quite a chunk I'd imagine and if age petitioned that will be why he stalled.

Wife may have good reasons why not divorced him. She might not have been bothered if she had no intention to remarry. The financials are unlikely to have been dealt with if he’s still married so a chance for a bigger settlement plus always chance he’ll die and she’ll do well financially if he’s not sorted will etc.

Do you and him actually share children?

He's minted and retired, i guess he'd be a stay at home dad?

@VanGoghsDog Sorry - I means should have the DA by July, but if he is not the petitioner as pointed out above he has no control over the timeline.

A recent divorce I did online took 3 months to decree absolute. It can work.

1. Day 1 - petition issued online
2. Week 2 - respondent receives paperwork in the post. Immediately logs on to system and acknowledges service.
3. Still week 2 - petitioner applies for decree nisi.
4. week 4 - court certifies entitlement and fixes date for nisi
5. Week 6 - nisi pronounced.
6. Week 12 - absolute can be applied for.

This wasn't possible under the old system. I expect the new no-fault system to be even faster save for the obligatory 20 week wait.

So he’s lied about filing for divorce too? He seriously has no intention of legally marrying you. How can you trust a word he says.

@pinkyredrose

He's minted and retired, i guess he'd be a stay at home dad?

He doesn't need to be, she's a "housewife" (whatever that means!).

He doesn't need to be, she's a "housewife" (whatever that means!).

I'm guessing it means she waits on him hand and foot while he 'enjoys his retirement'.

There's absolutely no way he'd do full time childcare. He can't even remember if he's got divorced. He's not going to be competent enough to look after a baby alone.

I’m confused. Dp started the divorce proceedings and his wife had to respond (I was there for phone call) they have now submitted a D10 and his ex has written a letter supporting this to say she’s happy for it all to be expedited. Dp has sent this along with wedding proof to courts to see if it can be hurried. He seems to think that this expedition means he won’t have to wait the 6 weeks after nisi to get the absolute?

He’s just come back and we tried to talk before it descended into arguing again and he’s now walking the dog. I said I was hurt he brought his ex and daughter here after I asked not to - he said he will always let his daughter do what she wanted, I said I had always put the kids first but he could have met her elsewhere today for one sodding day while I tried to hold myself together.

He has said he doesn’t see why I’m upset as we have options and can still go ahead with celebrant then do a registry office later. The fact he can’t see why this is upsetting to me is crazy to me. I mean, that’s upsetting isn’t it? When I’m meant to be getting married in 3 months?

I’ve said I don’t want to marry a man who appears to care so little about my feelings, who hasn’t actually hugged me since this kicked off despite me sobbing for last 24 hours - which incidentally, is really annoying me because I want to be strong and have my shit together abs I just keep sodding crying. We had a wedding related appointment at 3pm and I asked him to cancel it. He said I should. I said this situation was of his doing and he could fix it. He’s stormed off with the dogs.

How the fuck has this become my life? I am literally sat here in the same seat I was yesterday but it’s like some parallel universe where in one I’m happy and going to get married, and in another I don’t even know if I have a relationship.

I know I’m going to sound awful and cynical but please wake up. This is a tale as old as time. Old perv meets younger woman at work, assures her wife is an “ex”, dumps wife for younger model, won’t marry her (why would he?) but happy for her to pump out a few kids so she has to stay put. Yuck.

@girlmom21

He doesn't need to be, she's a "housewife" (whatever that means!).

I'm guessing it means she waits on him hand and foot while he 'enjoys his retirement'.

There's absolutely no way he'd do full time childcare. He can't even remember if he's got divorced. He's not going to be competent enough to look after a baby alone.

This is my life you are making snide remarks about. My actual life. You have no clue about our situation, how fucking dare you try and portray me as some downtrodden stay at home mouse. You have no clue.

Sorry you are going through this

Was just going to say I would insist a consent order is signed & sorted, don't just focus on the absolute. You need to make sure it is all done properly for you to have some security for your future

As the not-divorced wife still has not grown up children to support I wouldn’t rely on the old informal financial settlement for one moment!

And since it is now clear (from his having completed the D10 form) that SHE is the petitioner, I wonder if the phone call revealed that in fact she wishes to reopen financial negotiations. Which would of course slow down the timeline.

OP, I dare say one way and another he is in a panic. Give him time to talk and be honest?

@Wouldyoubabys you should probably take your anger out on the man who was willing to let you have a baby with him not knowing he was still married to someone else. Who was going to marry you when he's still married to someone else. Who doesn't care about how you feel and disrespects you.

But yeah I'm sure he's wonderful and everything is super equal in your life.

He managed to run several businesses, make a lot of money, yet forget he is married? Nope, not possible, he knew.

I dunno what you can do though op. Call his bluff? Get him to hurry up with the divorce and book a registry office for after the wedding?

He clearly doesn't give a shiny shit about marriage. It doesn't mean to him what it does to you.

Don't marry him. Cancel the wedding and sort out your separation. He's not the man you thought he was

OP I think your most recent post hits the nail on the head. Although I'm baffled as to how he forgot he was married, mistakes happen. What is important is how you take accountability and deal with that mistake. It feels to me that he doesn't want to admit he has caused this so is deflecting it all on you. His complete lack of understanding as to how you might be feeling when this enormous bombshell has been dropped is appalling and I would seriously be questioning how someone who supposedly loves me could behave like this. In your shoes I would cancel the wedding, get the divorce sorted and then take stock, but really I don't think I could trust him again after this appalling behaviour - he has been thinking about himself from the start and repeatedly dismissed your feelings. He doesn't sound like a good partner to be with during a crisis

He has said he doesn’t see why I’m upset as we have options and can still go ahead with celebrant then do a registry office later
Didn't a poster say that would be the suggestion on page one?!

Something doesn't make sense - a straight forward divorce can be sorted in 3 months... Mine took 6 but only because we wanted to wait till the re-mortgages were due but otherwise it would have been 3 months.

His is even more straightforward as they've been separated for a decade already.

Also very confused at how defensive he's being. And why in 10 years did his ex wife never ask about a divorce - knowing he was in a serious relationship. You realise if he had passed away during this time, SHE would have inherited everything? I wouldn't consider her family - she's been happy to carry on being married to your partner all this while knowing fully well she's the legal inheritor to everything, then his kids, so you'd have got nothing. His share of the house goes to her - not you.

Find your anger. Explain to him that he has put you financially at risk all these years by being married. He should be mortified and horrified that he has carried on with you, bought a house with you, while still being legally married. If he can't calm down and realise that HE has BETRAYED you, then it doesn't say much about his personality. Do not apologise or back down - you've done nothing wrong.

And don't go ahead with the celebrant thing - your wedding day should be one of truth and honesty - not marred by deceit and bigamy.

Sorry x posted with your last update OP.

See, there is some logic in his approach, the Big Day the registry office, but to support that why didn’t he apologise to you for the mess up, re-assure you, empathise? Not just dismiss your upset and respond with anger.