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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to cancel my wedding

516 replies

Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 11:11

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

OP posts:
DameHelena · 07/04/2022 13:42

[quote Sushi7]@Wouldyoubabys you can’t stop your OH inviting his Dd to his own home. She fell pregnant. It’s not her fault that you’re upset when you see pregnant women.

If your OH is a soon to be granddad then how old are you all? Are you close in age to his Dd?[/quote]
Oh, leave off about the pregnant daughter. The OP has said a couple of times it's not specific to her, she just didn’t want anyone round.

OP, I'm sorry but people don't just forget whether or not they got divorced. Something about this is very wrong.

SpringsSprung · 07/04/2022 13:43

How could he not tell you he was still married!? So he was going to commit bigamy?????

Longcovid21 · 07/04/2022 13:45

I have not rtft but who forgets they are married??

SpringsSprung · 07/04/2022 13:46

@ABitBesottedWithMyDog

Inviting a pregnant woman to your home when you have just lost a baby... no words.
That's his daughter! You can't ban his own daughter from the house just because she lost a baby last year! No words!
SnowingInApril · 07/04/2022 13:47

Also don’t believe he ‘forgot’ he wasn’t divorced.

By having his family round regardless of your feelings shows you where you sit on his list of priorities. Would it really have been that difficult for him to cancel? A quick message would have done it and most reasonable people would have understood the late notice, given the circumstances.

incognitoforthisone · 07/04/2022 13:49

When he says he 'forgot' he wasn't divorced, does he mean that they got the decree nisi but never got the decree absolute?

Because I can just about see how that mistake might occur (my mum's friend found out three decades after her ex-husband remarried that their decree absolute hadn't actually come through at the time of his wedding to his second wife).

I cannot, however, comprehend how anyone could somehow think they were divorced when they had at no point gone through any legal process. I mean, that is a form you would bloody remember filling in, sorry.

titchy · 07/04/2022 13:52

Step 1 - Cancel the wedding. Don't make it into a celebration event. You have so much to work on relationship wise, there's no way this can be fixed to create a long term secure relationship in two months.

Step 2 - Then you both need several
long hard difficult conversations where you are completely honest about how you feel, how it got to this position, how it can be fixed - and importantly whether you both genuinely want it fixed.

Fifthtimelucky · 07/04/2022 13:52

@Wouldyoubabys

Divorce is none contested - his ex wife’s well taken care of, and financials etc were all split when they first separated over a decade ago.
I don't think you can count on the financial aspects being settled given that they are still married.

I know a man who thought he had settled finances with his wife when they separated. When, years later, he started divorce proceedings because he wanted to remarry, he found that none of the previous arrangement was taken into account.

What mattered legally was that his wife was entitled to half their joint assets on the date of their divorce, not at the time of separation.

CrazyRatLover · 07/04/2022 13:53

What did he tell you when you met?

Laiste · 07/04/2022 13:56

He 'sorted the finances' between them OP?

What does that look like?

Had they got to the decree nisi? Was there anything official about separation? New wills drawn up?

You see - i could under certain circs. believe that a person could think they were legally divorced but had not gone through the last steps.

By the same token i would not start making any firm wedding plans to marry a 'divorcee' until i was happy they were divorced. I'd ask when the decree absolute happened at the very least!

Collaborate · 07/04/2022 13:57

I am a divorce solicitor. Assuming he issued the petition online before no-fault came in yesterday you should be able to have decree nisi by July. It can take as little as 3 months from start to finish using the online system.

SpringsSprung · 07/04/2022 13:58

He's retired and you're trying for a baby Hmm

Alcemeg · 07/04/2022 13:59

Just to throw my tuppeny-h'apenny in, for what it's worth, I don't think he's necessarily a ridiculous person who doesn't care about you enough to marry you properly. Some blokes just don't "get" marriage particularly. My husband is one of them! He quite happily left the planning and even the ring-buying to me, which could have made me feel very sorry for myself. He doesn't have a romantic bone in his body, and to him it was just a piece of paper. However, I know he loves me with all his heart, and he does everything he can to look after me, and respects me more than anyone I've ever known.

It sounds to me as though you have a complete mismatch of reactions here because you feel (?) undervalued and even disregarded, and he doesn't understand why what he considers a fairly trivial administrative error feels like the end of the world to you. So you're seeing outrageous underreaction and he's seeing incomprehensible overreaction.

I hope you can navigate your way to calmer waters together -- unless he is often in the habit of overlooking/overriding your feelings, in which case sod him, you dodged a bullet!

Good luck OP Flowers

Turningpurple · 07/04/2022 13:59

@Collaborate

I am a divorce solicitor. Assuming he issued the petition online before no-fault came in yesterday you should be able to have decree nisi by July. It can take as little as 3 months from start to finish using the online system.
That quick. That's amazing.

I saw on TV there was a 20 week waiting period between application and whatever the nisi is now called.

Ita good that it can happen that quick.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/04/2022 13:59

Why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!

I'm sorry to say it, but it's pretty clear that he's not as keen to get married as you are.
As PPs have said, absolutely nobody "doesn't realise they're still married", and the fact he's not leaping to sort it himself and has told you to "pack a bag and leave" when you quite rightly objected to all this just puts the lid on it

It's pretty clear you won't be getting married in July, and even if you tried he'd probably find another spoke to put in the wheel, so unless you're happy to remain single with him I'd leave. He can always get back to you if he sorts himself out, but after what he's said I really wouldn't get your hopes up

Laiste · 07/04/2022 14:02

As much as it's easy to say:

''i can't believe anyone forgets they aren't divorced'' ...

what about:

''i can't believe anyone would get this close to marrying someone whose never mentioned their decree nisi!''

Not even at any point ''Out of interest what year was your divorce to X Wife actually finalised darling?'' ?

Confused
Laiste · 07/04/2022 14:04

And i'm not saying that to be mean OP, i'm saying it because i think you've both been pretty lax. Which means there's room for forgiveness no?

Then you can start to sort this out.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 07/04/2022 14:04

Awful situation for you OP.

Has he at any point apologised to you?

Is he the father of your child?

Is your house owned as joint tenants or tenants in common?

For now, I would focus on protecting yourself. Take legal advice about the status of wills, ownership of the house etc.

No way would I go through with a ‘celebrants’ version of the wedding under these circumstances.

In January, did the divorce company say it would be done in time to re-marry in July? If so, what is the hold up?

PicaK · 07/04/2022 14:05

If he applies online for divorce then it should be done and dusted quickly.

There's obviously complicated financial/tax etc reasons that are holding him back. You might want to be clearer about what they are.

ButterSageSpaghetti · 07/04/2022 14:06

So what would have happened if the kids hadn't mentioned it to his mum?! When would it come to light - the wedding day?!

Turningpurple · 07/04/2022 14:06

To be fair, imagine if it had go to the point where he had to produce the divorce paperwork. That would have been awkward.

Fairyliz · 07/04/2022 14:07

[quote Thewheelsfalloffthebus]@Fairyliz
Totally unhelpful and pointless comment. You have no idea whether it’s there’s an age gap here.
OP and her partner could easily both be 40years old, and the pregnant Daughter 20. And if there is an age gap it could very well be in the 5-10 years range rather than 20+. Some women’s oldest grandchildren are older than their youngest children.[/quote]
@Thewheelsfalloffthebus
Well as he’s retired I would assume he’s older than 40 wouldn’t you? So more likely to be a 20 year age gap.
He doesn’t appear to be a kind thoughtful person who cares about the op so not really a good basis for a wedding and children.

Laiste · 07/04/2022 14:07

My divorced only took about 3 months. And XH was an arse about it and pretended to loose papers and sign them wrongly ect.

CakeAmbushAlert · 07/04/2022 14:07

This is just mad!

How long have you been together OP?

How did he 'forget' he wasn't divorced!! How have you not discussed his split / divorce while you were together?

Why did you continue to book the wedding for July when you found out in Jan that he needed to get divorce? Why did you send out invitations last week?

Can't understand the behaviour of either of you. Do you have kids together?

Turningpurple · 07/04/2022 14:08

@PicaK

If he applies online for divorce then it should be done and dusted quickly.

There's obviously complicated financial/tax etc reasons that are holding him back. You might want to be clearer about what they are.

A quick Google of some law sites say it takes 6 months.