I think I need to cancel my wedding

[Wouldyoubabys]

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

I'd be very worried about my status if something happens to your partner. Even if you half own the house, if there is no will you will lose his half to his wife .

It's unbelievable that he doesn't know that he's still married. What does he mean by the company he's using to manage it? You don't need a management company for a divorce, are you sure he's telling the truth about that? If it's so simple why hasn't it been sorted by now

As long as it's his ridiculous amount to spend on a second wedding rather than yours it sounds like you've had a lucky escape

Unless he's an habitual felon, I can't see why he'd knowingly commit bigamy. However that would mean he never planned to go through with it so literally threw away £30,000 to keep the op happy for 6 months. It doesn't make sense. So you'd have to conclude that, as strange as it sounds, he had forgotten he was still married.
I don't think you can tell him to cancel seeing his children. I have no idea why his wife would want to be there, unless she was trying to help speed the divorce up? You did say she was nice.
Him saying that you were on at him about the divorce is neither here nor there. Sometimes people think that up they stay friendly with someone, they will get better service so they blame any pressure being exerted on someone else. If it works, then does it matter? I think your upset about it actually reflects your insecurity about your relationship.
I don't think telling someone you hate them is a good thing to do. You've just escalated the situation. His response of telling you yo leave the house is excessively ridiculous but predictable from what you've saud about him. Why are you both escalating the situation?
Your next step should be to think whether you really want to be in a relationship with him. Forget marriage for the time being. Do you still think that he loves and cares for you in the way you'd like? Because if not, crying over this non-existent wedding is a waste of energy. Instead you should be grateful that it has stopped you from making a big mistake. If, however, you decide you still want to be with him and marry, you need to lower the emotion, and see if it's at all possible to be divorced by July and if not, make your plans from there. How other people feel about a celebrant while still married is immaterial. It only matters how you feel about it.
What has happened is terribly unfortunate but it gives you a chance re-evaluate your relationship to think whether it's what you really want.

Yes I think you should cancel the wedding.

Also put baby plans on hold.

I also think you are far too trusting and need to look after yourself and whatever children you have. You need to wise up Wouldyoubabys and educate yourself as to your real position which I think is far less secure than you would like to think.

I hope things work out for you but it’s time to reassess your situation. I don’t think this man is all you think he is.

To answer your question OP: yes, I think you should cancel your wedding. Your entire relationship has been built on lie and now he's been found out he's treating you like you're in the wrong. Run for the hills!

You dont need a company to divorce after 12 years you can literally print off the paperwork yourself and pay a couple of hundred to file

Whenever I read these sorts of statements I always think hmm, I bet things bumble along nicely while you do what your OH wants.

Yeah that's what I was thinking.

Got himself a nice soft younger woman after his marriage with his lovely ex and mother of his kids unexicably broke down.

Inconvenience that she wants the whole marriage and babies thing though.

He can't even fake that he has next to no sadness and sympathy about the pregnancy loss.

He can't even say anything about the wedding cancellation other than focusing on lost money.

He sounds like he'll make you do everything if you ever have kids with him, and will be unenthusiastic.

Who does the housework in your home?

No one "forgets" to get divorced!!!!

@aloris

Divorcing is not something you forget but I can see how someone might forget that they forgot to divorce, if you know what I mean. I think he knows he messed up and his upset about the 30K is what tells you that he knows he messed up. He made a huge error and it's not causing him only distress and conflict but it cost him money. So he's reacting to that awareness that he messed himself over.

Now, since he was not actually divorced, that means if you are financially entangled then you were not at all protected because of whatever inheritance laws default to his wife.

He's a person who mentally blocks out bad stuff rather than deal with it, that's not great.

I would talk to his ex, her reaction will either comfort you or make it clearer that you shouldn't ever marry him. Why did she not push through the divorce herself? Doesn't she want the option to marry? What does his failure to follow through on his divorce mean? I'm not minimizing, even if it's just procrastination, that is some truly world class procrastination.

I agree with all of this, and “he’s a person who mentally blocks out bad stuff rather than deal with it” is spot on, to which I’d only add his way of handling the realisation he screwed up is to project the fault and anger onto someone else - in this case you. Attack is the best form of defence and all that.

The mental blocking is bad enough and suggests emotional immaturity, but add the lashing out rather than admit fault and you’re talking serious red flags. “Narcissistic” is a term that’s maybe thrown around too often these days, however these are all classic symptoms. Given £30k is apparently a drop in the ocean given his income, I’m honestly wondering if his surname is Trump!

@IcedOatLatte

It's unbelievable that he doesn't know that he's still married. What does he mean by the company he's using to manage it? You don't need a management company for a divorce, are you sure he's telling the truth about that? If it's so simple why hasn't it been sorted by now

As long as it's his ridiculous amount to spend on a second wedding rather than yours it sounds like you've had a lucky escape

The company was managing the wedding, not the divorce (?)

@Wouldyoubabys

I don’t know what to do.

In the short term so I call him and get him to come home? Do I apologise? My
Son is here and I need to keep things normal for him so I won’t leave (house joint names).

Longer term do I call off the wedding now? Do I proceed but change it to a celebrant? Do I postpone?

I hate this situation. I don’t know what to do for the best.

take small steps. its understandably very upsetting situation so dont be hard on yourself. take time to cry and later think.

if you said you hate him, i would say apologize for that and basically change it to I hate the behaviour and attitude.

I guess I wouldnt want to get married but would be worried to cancel straight way in case things will smoothe out. I wonder why he is reacting this immature, could it be because he feels it is unreasonable to forget that you arent divorced and is embarrased or something?

could you perhaps give yourselves some space and say you will discuss it three days later when each of you had time to think about their emotions?

So sorry you're going through this OP it sounds like a horrendous situation and you don't deserve this.

You've just suffered a terrible shock. Is there anyone in real life who can be with you today? I understand why you've said you're embarrassed but it's not you who should be feeling that way. If I were you I'd pack my bags, take DS and stay with someone for a few days. Leave a note for DP saying you'll be back in a few days. Take some time to take stock and decide what you want to do.

You need to take some time to consider whether you would feel comfortable going through with a sham wedding (personally, I couldn't face that, I'd find it mortifying) and do you want to spend your like with someone who could not only deceive you like thos but also be so cruel towards you once it came to light? Is this this type of behaviour you want to model to your DS?

Remember that you only get one shot at life, better to spend it with people who ate worthy. Good luck with whatever you decide.

You don't need to do anything right now this minute while you are stressed and upset so totally park all thoughts of making a decision until much later on when things have calmed down and you can process all the options without emotion.

You're upset over what he said but I can actually understand a man trying to save face by blaming the nagging other half especially if he was talking to another man instead of taking on the responsibility. I can also see why it has upset you. The biggest issue is that he lied by omission about being divorced. Focus on that, why he did that and once you've shaken that out, you might realise you don't want to marry him afterall.

I’ve seen it all - the paperwork’s on the kitchen table right now. I was there when he got the text off his (ex) wife saying “you know we are still married and never got divorced don’t you”. I was there when he called the company and asked them how to get divorced and I was there for all the conversations and stuff in between. I don’t know if he was lying about forgetting as such, but everything after that I was present for and so I know is the truth.

The house is in both names. I have money in my account and joint accounts (which I suppose he could move, but then so could I) he’s retired and I am a housewife at present. So financially I’m not fucked, but I could be vulnerable if he wanted to be an arse.

I don’t feel we are at that stage yet, I feel like we are in the middle of a crap situation and I don’t know which way is up, but last week I thought we were the happiest people in the world and now I don’t even recognise what’s going on.

I feel like I’m desperately searching for clarity and a plan, and I can’t see a way to make this all better.

God it’s moving so fast, I’ve missed loads. I’m not ignoring people or dodging questions.

@Wouldyoubabys you can’t stop your OH inviting his Dd to his own home. She fell pregnant. It’s not her fault that you’re upset when you see pregnant women.

If your OH is a soon to be granddad then how old are you all? Are you close in age to his Dd?

@Fairyliz

You are young enough to have a baby and he is old enough to have a grown up daughter who is pregnant. Think he’s too old for you sorry.

I disagree with this

When I met dh he was 45 - he had 3 grown up kids well youngest was 18/19

I was almost 38 and wanted kids as Mother Nature hadn’t played ball

After 4yrs and 5 ivf finally got preg

Few months later his sons wife preg and year after our dd was born his other son gf got preg and now 5yrs on his daughter now 29 has had a baby. Dd is now 5

I’m 48. Dh is 55 and we have a 5yr and 3 gc slighter younger

Op also has a son with her partner

So they have been together a few years at least

@Fairyliz
Totally unhelpful and pointless comment. You have no idea whether it’s there’s an age gap here.
OP and her partner could easily both be 40years old, and the pregnant Daughter 20. And if there is an age gap it could very well be in the 5-10 years range rather than 20+. Some women’s oldest grandchildren are older than their youngest children.

He's retired so had all the time in the world to sort the divorce out.

Presumably he's absolutely minted if neither of you are working and he could put you in a vulnerable position.

Please don't have a baby with him. Go back onto contraception.

Honestly cancel the wedding entirely.
Total rubbish that he didn’t realise he was divorced. Or if he did he should have been on the case the absolute moment he realised. He just doesn’t want to marry you. I’m sorry.

I'm obsessed with death and inheritance (long, sad stories) but it is chilling me that if OP's partner had died suddenly at any point since they moved in together, his (not-"ex")wife would have been legally entitled to half the OP's house. I hope she is nice because what normally happens then is that the OP and her son have to move out to pay the wife her half-share. And until their legal status changes, that could still happen.

Let's hope he doesn't eat that heart-attack-inducing McDonald's....

You know what to do, OP. You just don't want to do it.

In my previous job as a civil servant, I came across many people who thought they were divorced. They would get the Decree Nisi but fail to apply for the absolute , for whatever reason.

Don't apologize for anything! The asking you to leave is calling your bluff. Let him come to you and make it right.
He sounds like an arse who gets defensive when he's in the wrong. Hopefully he'll see the error of his ways. It's not all or nothing right now, give it a few days. I'm confident he'll come to his senses, divorce will go thrlouhh and you can move the wedding. Emotions are too high right now to make decisions.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming

You don't need to do anything right now this minute while you are stressed and upset so totally park all thoughts of making a decision until much later on when things have calmed down and you can process all the options without emotion.

You're upset over what he said but I can actually understand a man trying to save face by blaming the nagging other half especially if he was talking to another man instead of taking on the responsibility. I can also see why it has upset you. The biggest issue is that he lied by omission about being divorced. Focus on that, why he did that and once you've shaken that out, you might realise you don't want to marry him afterall.

I can actually understand a man trying to save face by blaming the nagging other half

No no no no no! I’m a guy myself, and I’m sorry it’s inexcusable. A decent man would actually say take some f*ing responsibility for your life and do the honourable thing. Don’t regress into old toxic tropes and blame “‘er indoors”. This isn’t behaviour that should be accepted. It’s deeply immature.