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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to cancel my wedding

516 replies

Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 11:11

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 18:47

I cannot believe you have the bad manners to come into space where people are posting daily that the price increases are scaring them, to tell us that losing £30K isn’t a big deal to him.

That absolutely was not an essential part of understanding the issues that you have.

Talk about tone deaf 🙄

What is the worst that happens here? He loses £30K that he can afford to lose, and you give guests at least 3 months notice of a change of date. Well now that sounds so hard.

Trixiefirecracker · 07/04/2022 18:48

Typical mumsnet reply. What a leap . 😂

Original poster
Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 18:52

@Cocomarine

I cannot believe you have the bad manners to come into space where people are posting daily that the price increases are scaring them, to tell us that losing £30K isn’t a big deal to him.

That absolutely was not an essential part of understanding the issues that you have.

Talk about tone deaf 🙄

What is the worst that happens here? He loses £30K that he can afford to lose, and you give guests at least 3 months notice of a change of date. Well now that sounds so hard.

Actually it WAS an important part. £30k is a huge amount of money, but to lose that would not make a huge difference to him at all, and as such I found it insulting that that was what he was focusing on.

Im sorry that it’s seemingly offensive to you - but it was not “bad manners” it was depicting a situation. There are MANY different situations here on mumsnet, you will be fucking exhausted if you choose to take offence at them all.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 07/04/2022 18:53

Tangent rather than a leap I think 😭
Just gobsmacked someone would be so rude as to post about losing £30K like it was fuck all.

Original poster
Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 18:54

I think I’m going to bow out now. Thank you for everyone who has been supportive and lovely today. It’s been shit, and I’m grateful for your help and company Flowers

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 07/04/2022 18:57

Good luck for the future OP Flowers

KitKat1985 · 07/04/2022 18:57

How is it possible to forget you are married?!

ConkerBonkers · 07/04/2022 18:59

@girlmom21

Did you not take out wedding insurance?

Aside from that, he's a lazy, nasty, insensitive cock and I'd cancel the wedding and not even consider rearranging until he grows up.

I would love to see a wedding insurance policy that covers "silly me, I'm still married..oops" were op and her dp to make some sort of claim
RoserParks · 07/04/2022 19:01

Typical mn! Where different situational aspects can never be tolerated and it's suddenly 'rude' to talk about money in any given context. 🙄

I can smell the jealousy from here!

Op, ignore and enjoy your wine and chocolate. Tomorrow is another day and you will both get through this together Thanks

MononokesWolf · 07/04/2022 19:02

From everything you've said it really doesn't seem like he wants to get married or love/like you. I know this sounds harsh but he is showing you exactly who he is by these actions. Hugs.

sellthesizzle · 07/04/2022 19:05

@Wouldyoubabys

To be fair, there probably was a point today we were all considering his death….. but I’ve tried to become a bit calmer since then and doing jail time for him is definitely excessive!

Financially / house / wills etc we are all fine I promise. I’m trying to be vague but we have a good team around us and that side of things is fair and legally sorted whether we are married or not.

I’ve calmed down a lot since the shock of this morning. We have apologised, and whilst we are still not back to normal, we are on better footing and talking as a team again rather than pitting against each other.

I don’t know what to do moving forward regarding the wedding. I don’t know whether to postpone or go ahead in hopes it happens then at last minute have a celebrant / party as back up. I want to have the wedding go ahead if possible (obviously?!) but this has totally marred the run up and I don’t know if I can deal with another 2 months of uncertainty before possibly having to rearrange anyway.

I’m gutted to be honest, but I need to have a plan and then put this aside. Dp hasn’t acted in malice. He’s been a knob today, but that reaction was rare and out of frustration with himself. He’s not off the hook - but I am trying to have perspective for this. My time to be upset about him still being married was back in Jan, this is an admin hold up that’s brought it back to the forefront but not an intentional act to hurt me.

I dunno. I am going to get some wine and a fuck tonne of chocolate and sit under a blanket….. thank you all for being there today Flowers

Glad things are better op. Some people lash out when they mess up - not saying that's good but it's human - sounds like your DP may be someone that does that.

Hope you can plan a way forward which works for you both.

It lovely that you have such a good relationship with his ex - that's rare but great when it happens.

Hope you feel better after a good nights sleep and on steadier ground with your DP.

EndaDay · 07/04/2022 19:06

Don't have a celebrant ceremony in the hope of having a legal one later.

He was too quick to tell you to pack a bag-has he also forgotten that you own half of it. He is either very forgetful or you need to check exactly what you own by yourself or by someone who works for you alone.

Grandmum1 · 07/04/2022 19:07

I think you’ve had some crap advice on here . Calm down , your DP probably feels really stupid and annoyed with himself and is now focusing on salvaging something positive from the situation . You have a healthy relationship with the ex & can get “ married” with a celebrant with her blessing . Go ahead and have your day . Kiss and make up fgs. He didn’t do it on purpose , he was an idiot but men do these things . You had a great life yesterday and nothing has changed .
You can still choose to be happy - it’s up to you .
Have a great wedding x

CottonSock · 07/04/2022 19:12

I understand your tears and anger and hope it can work out for you. I've had uncontrolled tears over much less before. It sounds very upsetting. Take care of yourself.

Bananarama21 · 07/04/2022 19:16

Thing is it isn't his ex wife is it. How can you forget to get divorced and book a wedding. There's just no excuse tbh I'd feel abit uncomfortable with the fact I had been seeing a married man regardless if he's separated he didn't do anyhring to sever all ties with his wife legally. Imagine if he died everything would go to his wife!

me4real · 07/04/2022 19:25

We had booked the wedding before his ex reminded him they were still married. I wouldn’t have booked that date or paid deposits etc if I had known. She’s fairly Ditzy (she’s lovely though, and clearly more on the ball than my dp) but by then we were committed, and the company said it was okay to proceed.

She's ditzy? Well as you said, not as much so as your OH. He's the one that supposedly forgot he hadn't got a divorce. Assuming he's not intellectually subnormal, I find that unlikely. Confused

Maybe he was hoping he could avoid the financial hit of a divorce or something, hoping his ex would forget.

MargosKaftan · 07/04/2022 19:25

I dknt think you should do the commitment ceremony type thing in July - because in the same way he mentally filed himself as "divorced" as soon as he has separated and sorting finances from his exW, he may well mentally view himself as "married" to you once you'd had the big party and the ceremony. And in the same way it took someone else pointing this out to make him actually sort it out, would he really make an effort to sort out his divorce and remarriage to you if you were happy with a public commitment that wasn't legally binding ?

Pospond until September. Speak to the venue and find out what it will cost. Put a new, more manageable deadline in. (Do get him to check with his lawyers if September is more achievable than July rather than have to move it again!)

Think about how much "managing" he will take long term and if that's what you want from a relationship.

Bignanny30 · 07/04/2022 19:25

What company that is dealing with it for him????? You can apply directly to the court for a divorce when you’ve been separated as long as they have. My ex and I did it last year after 30 years apart . It didn’t cost much and took about 2 months from start to finish. I noticed someone mentioned wedding insurance - they won’t pay because you should have made sure that you were able to marry before booking it sorry.

Ginger1982 · 07/04/2022 19:27

@Cocomarine

Tangent rather than a leap I think 😭 Just gobsmacked someone would be so rude as to post about losing £30K like it was fuck all.
Oh do bore off.
bouncydog · 07/04/2022 19:31

@Grandmum1 - good constructive advice! Too much “stirring the pot” as if it’s a soap opera on here with no doubt many bookmarks for the next instalment!

@Wouldyoubabys - I hope you have a lovely day whether it’s the date originally booked or you wait a while.

HaggisBurger · 07/04/2022 19:32

Sorry you’ve had such a shit couple of days @Wouldyoubabys. Like others I’m staggered that someone could “forget” that they will still married. I didn’t find your comment about the 30k offensive. It was a statement of fact about your DPs financial position.
Sounds a little bit like someone who becomes a bit horrible when they know they have effed up. Which is not an attractive trait. So do have a long think.

Personally - I’d reschedule. As you say having a stressful run up will take some of the joy. From what you say having a celebrant rather than a legal marriage is not what you want. If it ended up that way it might spoil the day.

The family courts are chocca block so I’m unsure how any firm can claim to be able to fast track anything.

Do remember after you do finally get married that your existing wills are null. You need to remake them!!

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2022 19:34

@SpringsSprung

He's retired and you're trying for a baby Hmm
OFGS Some people retire early.

Some couples have an age gap

What's it to you?

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2022 19:35

@KitKat1985

How is it possible to forget you are married?!
How come his wife didn't mention it before as they were arranging the wedding?

They're all friendly so it seems odd to me

me4real · 07/04/2022 19:45

@Nanny0gg His ex probably couldn't believe someone could 'forget' that at first.

PinkQuartz · 07/04/2022 20:14

You’ve dodged a bullet here OP.

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