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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I need to cancel my wedding

516 replies

Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 11:11

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

OP posts:
chaosrabbitland · 07/04/2022 17:36

im really sorry op this sounds so stressful and upsetting , i have to agree with everyone else , i split up from my ex 14 years ago now and we are still legally married , its not something i have forgotten and if i did meet someone else and it got into a partnership i would at some point mention my status so it didnt look like i was being deceptive
considering he could see you are visibly upset i think it was cruel to invite his ex wife and daughter to your home when you had requested him not to

theres not a lot of consideration to your feelings there , why the heck does his ex wife or rather not quite ex wife have to come as well is what baffles me
id be rethinking marraige to him , maybe hes showing you his true colours

SwishSwishBisch · 07/04/2022 17:37

I’ve read all,of your posts OP and I just hope you’re able to take some time to clear your thoughts, and hopefully let the emotion out of what is a horribly stressful situation. It reads to me like you and your DP have a fundamentally sound relationship but this is a BIG hiccup, and your individual responses to it are the source of the conflict, not anything deeper. Hopefully you can both sit and talk and figure out the best way forward, together. Flowers

Allsorts1 · 07/04/2022 17:37

Woah woah woah, so he said to the lawyers to hurry up or he’s wasting 30k? I really think you’re being over sensitive - yes it would have been lovely if he told the lawyer that he wanted this done as he was so looking forward to getting married to you, however it’s a professional relationship and probably the fact that they’re causing him a financial loss is a way better negotiating tactic than his feelings.

You also can still have your wedding even if he’s still technically married? Just have the ceremony without the official bit, and get that sorted later. Don’t need to do your legal marriage on the same day as wedding. No sweat.

Brett239 · 07/04/2022 17:43

I 100% would proceed as planned and leave out the "legal" but and then get legally married once the paperwork comes through. It's just a technicality. I know lots of people who have destination weddings that aren't actually legal and then quietly sort it out after the fact. It doesn't have to be so dramatic!

Littlepaws18 · 07/04/2022 17:43

Can't you have a blessing on that day, and then when he is divorced go and to a registry office and do the legal bit. Your day can still be special and still be your anniversary date!

Though after the way he has behaved I would be hesitant to marry him!

Nocutenamesleft · 07/04/2022 17:43

I’ve never heard the excuse that someone forgot they were still married.

No way is that true!!!

Sorry. But he’s disrespected you the whole way.

Turningpurple · 07/04/2022 17:50

I am really surprised by the amount of people who would be perfectly fine with going ahead with an 'unofficial wedding' in front of all their families friends, while everyone knows its not a real wedding because he is married to someone else.

I just can't imagine standing up and doing the whole bit, knowing he was still married to someone else.

I am willing to accept its me that the exception, but I would feel weird saying vows etc, knowing he was still married to his ex.

namechangeanonymous · 07/04/2022 17:54

Could you have some sort of wedding blessing thats not legal in July and then tie up the legal ends once the divorce is through?

SunshineCake1 · 07/04/2022 17:59

I've only read the OP.

Ridiculous to spend £30k on a wedding but even more stupid to marry this man.

Wedding insurance should always be factored into the cost.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 07/04/2022 18:02

Can you do the wedding as planned, but with a celebrant, even if he is divorced by then.

Book a registry office slot for first thing on the day / day before and if the divorce comes through, all good, registry office first then wedding day with celebrant doing a blessing type ceremony.

If the divorce doesn't come through, all you have to cancel is the registry office, and then do the legal bit later when you can.

Beachsidesunset · 07/04/2022 18:04

@Nocutenamesleft

I’ve never heard the excuse that someone forgot they were still married.

No way is that true!!!

Sorry. But he’s disrespected you the whole way.

My stepfather 'forgot' that he GOT married. It only came out when my mother applied for the licence!
Ddot · 07/04/2022 18:05

Don't waste the cash have a party

SunshineCake1 · 07/04/2022 18:06

Someone who is frustrated at themselves doesn't treat the woman they are meant to love in a cruel manner.

Sswhinesthebest · 07/04/2022 18:12

I think you have both over reacted. I’m glad you’ve calmed down and are talking rationally again.

There are wrongs on both your parts. I’ve never, and would never, said I hate my dh. That’s a personal attack rather than
“I hate the situation”. You need you work on you communication,

Have the party.

AnotherEmma · 07/04/2022 18:15

@Turningpurple

I am really surprised by the amount of people who would be perfectly fine with going ahead with an 'unofficial wedding' in front of all their families friends, while everyone knows its not a real wedding because he is married to someone else.

I just can't imagine standing up and doing the whole bit, knowing he was still married to someone else.

I am willing to accept its me that the exception, but I would feel weird saying vows etc, knowing he was still married to his ex.

I agree
Preemptedyou · 07/04/2022 18:18

LTB

pinkyredrose · 07/04/2022 18:23

I’m not normally controlled

Only occasionally then?

NeverChange · 07/04/2022 18:24

Surely I can't be the only one who thinks this is not the worst situation and is can be resolved handy enough.

Not making sure he was divorced - a tad stupid but it happens, rare but it happens, especially when financial agreements etc have been finalised. Not his finest moment but not the end of the world.

He is doing on now & trying to get his fast tracked. STBEW is also not causing issues etc. Upshot is it is happening.

Pregnant daughter calling over, yes difficult but cannot turn her away because of the miscarriage. She is his daughter.

Wife calling this morning, with his daughter & to help fix things - not one to talk personally.

His poor temper etc - there were 2 of you in it both nasty but if it's out of character, understand able given the situation. I'm sure he is embarrassed at his incompetence as well as concerned for the moment.

People questioning age gap etc - this isn't the issue & not really relevant.

OP, it may get sorted in time. If it doesn't, just move the dates & reschedule. All you have to say is there was a legal technicality that had to be resolved beforehand which was overlooked. When you know it's definitely going ahead, you can be more honest & hopefully can laugh about it in time.

Shit things happen. If you take the heat out of them rather than escalate them, they can usually be resolved.

Breathe and think about what you want long term and if you are getting there & happy, a few months delay isn't the end of the world.

You both need to apologise and move on.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/04/2022 18:27

@Turningpurple

I am really surprised by the amount of people who would be perfectly fine with going ahead with an 'unofficial wedding' in front of all their families friends, while everyone knows its not a real wedding because he is married to someone else.

I just can't imagine standing up and doing the whole bit, knowing he was still married to someone else.

I am willing to accept its me that the exception, but I would feel weird saying vows etc, knowing he was still married to his ex.

I totally agree, Turningpurple, but while I'd love to be wrong here, I strongly suspect that some "commitment ceremony" (whatever that is) is the best OP will get

Short of inheritance or a lottery win, wealthy people don't tend to get their money by being completely stupid, which probably lets out this being a "mistake"
What many are keen on is protecting their assets - especially with one marriage breakdown already under their belts - and as things stand OP's in an uncertain position

ElenaSt · 07/04/2022 18:28

I’ve never heard of anyone not remembering whether they got a divorce or not. Wouldn’t know if he was divorced or not.

Possibly it’s because it’s still a permanent tie with his wife who perhaps he knows he can’t beat his butt by still being married to her it’s a hold on her and perhaps stopping her from moving forward.

Personally I would re-evaluate your relationship with him because quite frankly he doesn’t sound very nice.

ElenaSt · 07/04/2022 18:29

Loads of typos!

^^

ElenaSt · 07/04/2022 18:30

He probably doesn’t want to get divorced because it’s a permanent tie to his wife perhaps because he knows they can’t be together but it’s a way to stop her from moving forward with someone else.

LoisLane66 · 07/04/2022 18:32

30k to get married? 😂😂😂
What a waste.

Original poster
Wouldyoubabys · 07/04/2022 18:34

@ElenaSt

He probably doesn’t want to get divorced because it’s a permanent tie to his wife perhaps because he knows they can’t be together but it’s a way to stop her from moving forward with someone else.
There’s a lot of projection here!
OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 07/04/2022 18:39

@Brett239

I 100% would proceed as planned and leave out the "legal" but and then get legally married once the paperwork comes through. It's just a technicality. I know lots of people who have destination weddings that aren't actually legal and then quietly sort it out after the fact. It doesn't have to be so dramatic!
Are those people married to someone else though? It's totally different isn't it?
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