I think I need to cancel my wedding

[Wouldyoubabys]

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

If £30K for a wedding isn't a lot to him, then he's clearly got a bit of money. Do you think his ex thought that she would inherit if he died?

Yeah, blame that money-grabbing ex.

Jesus wept.

Have the wedding but not the actual ceremony. Just a big party, then if he hasn't sorted out the divorce within the year, pack your bags. You can always get married at the registry office later. It also gives you room to contemplate your options.

To be honest, it hasn't really mattered that he was still technically married and for all intents and purposes, he wasn't.

He isn't hiding any of this - the conversations with his ex who reminded him. He hasn't gone behind your back to cover this all up.

Yes, I can absolutely believe that he thought they were divorced. They sent in the paper work and probably thought that was that.

Talk to him.

If you have any doubts, don’t marry him. The night before my wedding, I didn’t want to go through with the ceremony. I had huge doubts, and was divorced two years later. It would have been so much better if I had just walked away. I would have lost $ 4000, but woukd have been much happier. Besides, I wouldn’t have had the expense of the divorce.

He “forgot” that he was still married ? Rubbish.

Umm, I know of two weddings that have had the same problem. And I'm not a frequent wedding-goer. Once it was the prospective bride, once the prospective groom. Although in both cases it was a case of final papers not being signed/registered rather than the process not having been started at all.

My opinion, for what it's worth, is sleep on it tonight then tomorrow, when you are more composed, call the venue and enquire about postponing the wedding until later in the year. You may have to forfeit your deposit but I would imagine it's an expensive do, so they will want to keep you as customers. I would not countenance a celebrant ceremony while he is still legally married. It would just feel really tainted.

As for not realising he wasn't divorced, I can actually, sadly, imagine my husband doing something like this. His attitude however is awful. He should be apologetic and concerned for your feelings, not deflecting and telling you to pack a bag.

Hopefully one day you will look back on this and laugh. Worse things happen.

I'm really curious how you have children (you referred to them as "our DC") close in age to his children from his first marriage, yet he's been separated from his wife for 12 years and you've only been together for 4?!

@MargosKaftan

Have you definitely lost the money, or could you move the wedding to September and transfer some of the money over to a new date? Call the venue and say there's a problem (you don't have to admit hes still married to someone else!) and what would the penalty be to move the date to autumn ? If I got a wedding invite for July then a week or so later got a new note saying "due to unforeseen circumstances, the wedding date has had to be moved to xth September/October" it wouldn't be a massive big deal unless I'd already booked hotels.

OK, hes disorganised and gone for the easy path, you must know what sort of person he is. You can still sort this, if you think you want to be married to him. 1

This

Move to sept

Unlikely to lose all money if shifting a date unless they can’t fill if

Check contract of venue

I think you need to calm down, OP. From what I can tell, your partner hasn't actually done anything wrong. You got upset because you thought he should have been upset in a different way than he was, then you had a go at him for his daughter being in the house, then texted him that you hated him, then when he returned you had another go at him... He's actually tried to give solutions. It really sounds like you are causing the problem here. Calm down, maybe agree to have a nice evening with your partner, and when you've had a good sleep, discuss it without the drama.

I would push the whole thing back to September - it sounds like you can afford to do that.
Get some space. S l o w d ow n.
Reassess when the divorce comes through. I don’t know what kind of ivory-tower dickhead thinks he doesn’t need to actually get divorced. But my guess is he glides through life with no speed bumps, and he definitely hit one here at high speed.

Take your time to see how the actual divorce and postponement progress. That’s the only way to come to a good decision.

My advice @Wouldyoubabys is to contact any supplier/wedding venue/whatever that is required for the July wedding and ask if there is any possibility of postponing the wedding until September or even the New Year, just to give yourself the time and headspace so you can deal with whatever is coming your way.

Worst case scenario is that they say no and you have to deal with whatever costs are associated with them.
Best case scenario - you get the time and the headspace that you clearly need to deal with whatever has just landed on your lap and depending on what your decision will be (go ahead with a wedding or not) you have both done it with your eyes wide open.

Then I'd take each day as it comes.

If I were in your position, I'd be thinking very long and very hard about whether I would want to be married to someone who couldn't remember whether they had divorced their previous wife. It's clearly not something that is high on their agenda to fix or it would have been done long before you two got together (just think about that).

Best of luck to you with whatever you decide to do.

I wouldn't let him 'fix' everything with a hug either. He has a lot of reconciliation to do.

Oh wow. How on earth did he let this progress without telling you he is still married. He sounds awful. Sorry OP.

I think you need to calm down, OP. From what I can tell, your partner hasn't actually done anything wrong.

Well, apart from the small matter of not being divorced, or apparently knowing this, whilst organising his next wedding ...

I would definitely be looking to postpone if paperwork cannot be absolutely guaranteed. A 'wedding' without the legal part able to take place would be a farce, particularly when you can't guarantee it ever would.

You'll have to do your Wills again as the present ones will be revoked when you marry.

I would not cancel , just go ahead with the celebrant and get married properly afterwards , it’s not like you are not living together or anything and bothe parties seem to be trying to expedite everything . Don’t waste the money .

You seem to have everything else in your life organised and the house is in joint names etc.

It’s annoying but not the end of the world . Get him to pay for you to go to Gretna green to make up for it .

Oh dear. This sounds like a classic case of a man making a mistake that would be forgivable if he apologised and did his best to fix things, but instead making things a thousand times worse by acting like a complete and utter arsehole about it. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, he's angry with you for being upset and escalating things My husband can be similar (although nothing quite as high stakes as this) and it's completely and utterly infuriating. He does usually calm down and come round, but it's all so dramatic and unnecessary.

I don't understand how he started divorce proceedings in January but so little has happened since then? I also think he should be the one doing all the work contacting the venue, suppliers etc to cancel everything.

Personally I would just cancel and rebook after the divorce comes through, provided he becomes reasonable again and the relationship recovers between now and then.

Perhaps you could tell the guests that it's been postponed for logistical reasons. Which is the truth, just not in full detail.

@Wouldyoubabys

Okay, those saying to calm down are correct. I’m annoyed at myself because my face just keeps leaking tears and I’m not usually bloody like this. I’m usually logical and sensible and this is annoying me that I can’t think clearly.

He is being defensive because he’s fucked up and upset me - I can see that but it’s still hurtful and making the situation worse. I need to get over this, but it stings.

We have been together nearly 5 years. Living together nearly 2. When we first moved in together we had lots of arguments because we are both used to living alone and it was hard adjusting. It took a few months, we rarely argue now and never (apart from today) to the degree we used to. We are better at communicating and know how the other responds.

I don’t think she is the one to petition? Dp called one of these companies who fast track divorces. They sent out a form, she got a copy and dp sent it back for her. This was about a fortnight ago. The company have said he (or maybe she and I’m muddled?) needs to fill in a D10. That was sent today with supporting evidence of our wedding and a letter she has written saying she supports expedition and she’s fully supportive of our wedding. I’ve seen these docs, so I don’t think I’m missing anything?

Financially we have separate wills and documents drawn up. We each get everything, and then divide amongst all kids equally. Ex wife is living in a mortgage free house and is genuinely very looked after - as are the kids. I’m not naive - there is a large sum in the joint acc he could technically take (as could I) but I have enough in my own pot that I would still be okay.

I need to get some perspective and get my head together. I need to come up with a plan about how I feel and act going forward. Today has been beyond shit, but I need to figure out what happens next.

Thank you to those who have responded kindly I know it’s easy to draw assumptions from words on the screen, this is my life.

So, if you own the house as joint tenants it is true that you would each inherit it from the other if either one died. (If you hold the house as joint tenants whatever your wills say or, if you had no will, you would each inherit it from the other.)

If you own it as tenants in common then you have willed it (and your other possessions you have said) in the first incidence to your partner,.

You need to check exactly what your wills say. Do they allow the survivor to write a subsequent will? Do they say that if either one of has previously died then on the second death the total estate will be shared equally between the children? Is this water tight? Or, after your prior death, can he then change his will and leave it all to his own children, his ex wife, his new wife etc.. This is the way many children are disinherited ie your son. In your position I would take advice on how to protect your son.

If your partner dies first, it may well be that his wife or children would contest the will, if eg she has not been divorced and/or a financial settlement made for her and any dependant children at that time.

I would not rely on the fact that they have been separated for years and 'a settlement was made then.' Yes he may well have settled money on her and the children then but that does not mean to say that she/they may not expect to be remembered in his will if he were to die before the divorce nor that she/ they ( especially if dependant ) would expect to receive a divorce settlement.

Once you have married your partner all prior wills are invalid. You will need to write them again (unless they were made specifically 'in contemplation of marriage.')

Oh gosh, I really hope it gets sorted. You sound lovely and the whole situation sounds like an honest mistake and miscommunication that has escalated.

I would view this as a lucky escape tbh.

@howtomoveforwards

If £30K for a wedding isn't a lot to him, then he's clearly got a bit of money. Do you think his ex thought that she would inherit if he died?

Yeah, blame that money-grabbing ex.

Jesus wept.

And the fact that pp is considering his death! 😬😱

@girlmom21

Did you not take out wedding insurance?

Aside from that, he's a lazy, nasty, insensitive cock and I'd cancel the wedding and not even consider rearranging until he grows up.

I don't think wedding insurance would cover this. It's the grooms responsibility.

So did they start the divorce proceedings in January or 2 weeks ago? The timeline really doesn't add up. If application was made in Jan and it was supported by both parties, no asset division, childcare arrangements etc. then I don't understand why it would not be finalised by June?

He should thank his luckly stars he is with you and not me! I would have torn him off a strip about all of this.

Seriously, what would I do now? I would back right off and let him sort it out. I would work on the assumption that we weren't getting married in the summer.

See what he does and what he says. This will tell you all you need to know. I would be cutting my losses if he didn't with this to my satisfaction.

I assume that his wife did everything if he didn't know if he was still married. I would have lost a lot of respect for him for that faux pas alone.

I do feel for you, OP.

I do think though, it's not difficult to know if you're divorced or not, and yes he will have known he was still married. He knows he's messed up on that.

As far as I'm aware, the 6 weeks between Nisi and Absolute is statutory.

Hopefully all will be through in good time but it'll be sensible to have a contingency plan and the suggestions made would be worth considering.

Sorry, it sounds like a really difficult situation

To be fair, there probably was a point today we were all considering his death….. but I’ve tried to become a bit calmer since then and doing jail time for him is definitely excessive!

Financially / house / wills etc we are all fine I promise. I’m trying to be vague but we have a good team around us and that side of things is fair and legally sorted whether we are married or not.

I’ve calmed down a lot since the shock of this morning. We have apologised, and whilst we are still not back to normal, we are on better footing and talking as a team again rather than pitting against each other.

I don’t know what to do moving forward regarding the wedding. I don’t know whether to postpone or go ahead in hopes it happens then at last minute have a celebrant / party as back up. I want to have the wedding go ahead if possible (obviously?!) but this has totally marred the run up and I don’t know if I can deal with another 2 months of uncertainty before possibly having to rearrange anyway.

I’m gutted to be honest, but I need to have a plan and then put this aside. Dp hasn’t acted in malice. He’s been a knob today, but that reaction was rare and out of frustration with himself. He’s not off the hook - but I am trying to have perspective for this. My time to be upset about him still being married was back in Jan, this is an admin hold up that’s brought it back to the forefront but not an intentional act to hurt me.

I dunno. I am going to get some wine and a fuck tonne of chocolate and sit under a blanket….. thank you all for being there today

I haven't read the whole thread, but I just wanted to say that it is possible to forget you aren't divorced because my (now) husband did. In his case they had got as far as the nisi, but the solicitors concerned had never applied for the absolute. He never chased it and then forgot about it.

In our case it had happened so long ago that his ex had to agree to the application for the absolute as it was no longer a given. Luckily she did, and luckily it all went through in time for us.

I hope things work out well for you.