I think I need to cancel my wedding

[Wouldyoubabys]

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

OP a couple of ways to look at it, Dp has fucked up royally on this and knows it and is currently being a defensive arse to stave off the grief.

You'll get over it as a couple.

Or...this is a major alarm bell ringing - this situation simply isn't good enough for you. Dp showing a controlling side by making you feel bad for being upset and could be a manipulative, slippery bastard.

None of us will know as much as you. Only you know your relationship and it's dynamics and whether this is serious, or a shitty blip. Trust your gut either way.

Fair play OP.

Take some time to yourself to work out what you want. If your relationship is as you say, and this is unusual behaviour for him, leave it for today.

Have a takeaway, a bath and an early night. Try and talk to him calmly tomorrow with a clear head.

If the divorce is completely genuine, the celebrant idea isn't a bad one. Then you can get legally married once the divorce is finalised and it means nobody loses money or misses out.

@KELLOGSspeck

I would pack a bag OP to gain clarity there's so much even to read!!

You need to breathe. So it appears you are comfortable financially..... something doesn't stack up here but I can't quite place it. Sorry I'm in the camp that I don't understand what would of happened if the ex wife didn't txt him, 30k is a lot of money to be wasting.

Who sent the invites out? Silly idea! To be honest it does seem you are rushing so much sure you can't seem to look deeper. Something isn't right.... casually wasting 30k WOW.

Didn't you get engage how come this didn't flag up sooner from the ex wife?

We sent them out as the venue need responses by a certain date. We were assured by the company dealing with the divorce that to get married in July seemed okay, we did it in good faith - albeit with hesitation.

We had booked the wedding before his ex reminded him they were still married. I wouldn’t have booked that date or paid deposits etc if I had known. She’s fairly Ditzy (she’s lovely though, and clearly more on the ball than my dp) but by then we were committed, and the company said it was okay to proceed.

Dp has come back from dog walk and hugged me. I still don’t know what we are going to do, but it’s a start.

Good luck OP. Do you think you could make the Blessing ceremony work and still have the party etc? Then go to the registrar afterwards when everything is sorted out? Some people on MN always suggest leaving, but that's really easy for them to tell you to do from behind a screen! Hoping everything works out for you

OP, glad you are drawing breath

It sounds as if the company might have been slow? If he engaged them in Jan why is the D10 only now being returned?

Also;
Financially we have separate wills and documents drawn up. We each get everything, and then divide amongst all kids equally

I would change this. In your shoes my Will would leave my share if everything to my Dc. With a life interest to live in the house for him.

Whatever else his strong points, life admin and personal legals are nit amongst them. If he were to remarry or rewrite his Will your assets could easily not end up with your Dc. I have many friends whose step parents, by negligence, fuckwittery or design, left them without inheritance.

@girlmom21

Fair play OP.

Take some time to yourself to work out what you want. If your relationship is as you say, and this is unusual behaviour for him, leave it for today.

Have a takeaway, a bath and an early night. Try and talk to him calmly tomorrow with a clear head.

If the divorce is completely genuine, the celebrant idea isn't a bad one. Then you can get legally married once the divorce is finalised and it means nobody loses money or misses out.

I’m sorry for having a go before @girlmom21

I know it’a easy to assume stuff from a 1 dimensional post. I was taking it out on the wrong person - Dp does more housework than me and I’m not a walkover at home, I promise

(The grin emoji seems wrong when everything is falling apart, but if I don’t laugh I’ll cry, right?)

Have you definitely lost the money, or could you move the wedding to September and transfer some of the money over to a new date? Call the venue and say there's a problem (you don't have to admit hes still married to someone else!) and what would the penalty be to move the date to autumn ? If I got a wedding invite for July then a week or so later got a new note saying "due to unforeseen circumstances, the wedding date has had to be moved to xth September/October" it wouldn't be a massive big deal unless I'd already booked hotels.

OK, hes disorganised and gone for the easy path, you must know what sort of person he is. You can still sort this, if you think you want to be married to him. 1

What I'm trying to say is and only you know best here. Do you genuinely believe your DH forgot he was married?? Is he usually disorganised?

It's not the ex wife responsibility but I do wonder... if he didn't remember than clearly HE WOULD have married you still.

I would cancel both the wedding and your 'D'P.

I'm sorry, OP

@VanGoghsDog I'm sorry to say that I strongly suspect your friend is in denial and definitely not divorced!

@Wouldyoubabys I'm sorry for the way I wrote my post and the insinuations I made too.

It's frustrating seeing women being walked all over here and it happens all too often but it looks like you might be an exception to the rule!

Julys a long way off. Even if you change the service now, you might find you can still get married after all as planned, or if things don't work out there's time to cancel you won't be losing any more than you will be now.

Don't rush into any decisions. This doesn't need to be relationship ending if you can both communicate to resolve things

I'd love to hear the ex wifes story.

She was probably "on his case" 12 years ago to get divorced and gave up when his disorganised arse just wouldn't do it. She probably figured that one day it would come back to haunt him and it did.

Do you actually want to marry a man who isn't interested enough to organise his own divorce?

OP, this thread started off horrendously. The first few posters decided you should ltb based on the idea he must be a liar and a future-faker and it escalated.
You have a much better idea of whether your DPs behavior today was typical or whether it was a poor but rare reaction to a very stressful situation.
Leave it till the weekend and then decide together what you want to do. Postpone the wedding, turn it into an engagement party etc. As your husband is retired and this mess is his fault, it’s reasonable to expect him to do the extra admin post posting/ letting your guests know the wedding will be the ceremony with the legal part unfortunately delayed til a couple of weeks after.

A close family member went through this. They went through with the fake wedding and extravagant honeymoon. Pretended to everyone that they are actually married. Gladly took the gifts, let guests pay out for hotels, outfits etc. 7 years later they still aren’t officially married, he isn’t divorced and no one knows any different.

£30?!

That should have read: £30k?!

So you own the house together but he's told you to leave knowing you and your son will be homeless?

You and he are trying for a baby even though his daughter is old enough to have a baby of her own?;is he a lot older than you?

And nobody forgets they are divorced;it sounds like he was too lazy to get a divorce.

I think it's time to reassess your life with this man.

Is your house mortgage free? If not how did you get the mortgage without the bank investaging the previous marriage status? I bought a house with my current husband before we were married and while my divorce was going through - I don't live in UK and had been separated for 6 years. Divorce takes years here. We had to get solicitors involved and myself and my ex and to sign documents to say he has no claim on my house because we were no divorced. The bank wouldn't let it go ahead otherwise. My (now) husband also had to show his decree absolute. It might be worth checking this out with a solicitor re who has a claim on the house - esp if it was bought while he was still married.

You don't work?

How do you support yourself and your son?

Are you independently wealthy? Major inheritance?

He "forgot" to get divorced ?

Yeah right.

You've dodged a bullet.

Sorry if this has already been asked but why are you both getting married?

You both have children, him from a previous relationship. You are both financially settled.

Looking at it from a contractual perspective it looks as though you are putting your finances at risk by marrying, is that right?

My understanding of the traditional reasons for marriage was financial security for the wife who may sacrifice their career for having children. If that isn't the case here then why the need for marriage?
Sorry if I've missed something.

No one “forgets” they didn’t get divorced ffs 🙄

As a celebrant I would not feel comfortable performing a ceremony under these circumstances. If the couple aren't married, I have to make it clear to everyone that the ceremony I am doing is not legally binding and all wording has to be chosen very carefully.
As celebrants we are not able to mislead people into thinking ceremonies are legal weddings when they are not.
Most good celebrants would not do a wedding celebration ceremony when someone is still married.
Good luck coming to a solution, it is a very difficult time for you .

@Celticdawn5

In my previous job as a civil servant, I came across many people who thought they were divorced. They would get the Decree Nisi but fail to apply for the absolute , for whatever reason.

That's kind of understandable, imo. By the time you get the nisi, all the tricky money and children stuff has generally been sorted. I think it's quite easy to forget to actually get the absolute. And it's not that big a deal (at least in normal times), mine arrived 7 weeks after I sent the forms off.

But forgetting you haven't even put in papers for the nisi is a completely different matter. That's just bonkers.

I really feel for you, OP, but this would be a deal-breaker for me. I would never be able to trust him to get anything sorted out ever again. and I would always have a doubt at the back of my mind that deep down, he didn't want to marry.

I hope you both sort your relationship out op. But there is no way you will be divorced by the time you need to give notice. But you could still go ahead with the day. You can have a blessing ceremony of sorts and carry on with the rest of the day. A celebration still. And then when divorce is done, go to the registry office and sort the ‘paperwork’ then.