I think I need to cancel my wedding

[Wouldyoubabys]

Dp and I booked our wedding in jan. Everyone very happy and excited. Kids told their mum (who is lovely) and she pointed out that when they had separated 12 years ago they had never actually got divorced. Dp says he can’t actually remember this but yes, it turns out they are still married.

He started divorce proceedings back in jan, but it’s now looking increasingly likely that it won’t be completed for our wedding in July. We have to give notice to get married in June.

I have been hassling him to call the company he’s using to manage it all last week and finally does so yesterday - he tells them that I am on his case about it, and then as it becomes apparent on the phone that we are unlikely to be able to get married in July, says he is about to waste £30k.

I’m gutted - our invites went out this week, his comment about me being on his case (why isn’t he eager to get it sorted himself!) about how there was no mention of how much he wants to marry me - just that he will lose £30k.

He didn’t come to bed last night, and this morning I’ve not been able to stop crying which he is angry about. He’s invited his pregnant daughter and ex wife around this morning and I said please don’t as I don’t want to see anyone - to which He replied well it’s my house too. His daughter I’m struggling with as we lost a baby last year and I haven’t got pregnant again. I’ve just heard them arrive so he obviously ignored me and now I feel trapped upstairs in my own home.

We normally have an idyllic life, he’s not normally a cock (though he has had his moments)

I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I know we are lucky, but the £30k on the wedding isn’t much compared to income, so whilst it is a waste - he normally wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at it. His bloody wife is sat downstairs ffs.

Call his bluff. It’s hard but it’s all you can do. If you don’t he will always be in the driving seat in your relationship. If he loves you he will get his shit together. If he doesn’t it’s best to break up anyway and grieve the relationship you thought you had. Stop crying, shouting and arguing. Be coldly calm (more sorrow and disappointment than anger) and tell him if he wants to marry you he needs to think about the way he has behaved to you after his mistake has blown your life apart AND get the divorce sorted out. Then leave and don’t contact him. Wait for him to contact you. It will be tough but it’s the only way.

So have the ceremony as planned. Hire someone to come and do a commitment ceremony in lieu of a wedding, then have a second exclusive thing down the registry once he's divorced.

Wear your dress, take your pictures, then tell the funny story for the rest of your life of how you got married down the registry office a month later, but you still have the beautiful pictures.

There's no need to tell the guests now but just get the toastmaster to announce to guests or hand out a nice flier about the ceremony and why it's taking place - you've postponed the actual wedding but are performing a commitment ceremony in its place for this occasion.

I got divorced 18 months ago. The judge would not grant decree absolute until the financial consent order was approved, and the financial consent order couldn’t be granted until the decree nisi was issued. It took about 10 weeks from nisi to absolute and that was with papers being turned around within a day. The quickest bit was submission of nisi and consent order, the decree absolute was within a couple of days.

PS I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

I know this is not helpful but I can't get over the fact that you've sent out wedding invites before finalising the divorce

Missed the bit that ex wife is the petitioner. Christ. I think it's likely she has asked for financial negotiation now she realises you will legally inherit. That would explain all the delays. Ask to see the communications from his lawyer on what is causing the hold up.

Usually getting divorced is something fairly memorable- not something you just forget about until you're reminded. Especially with all the legal implications. Losing the money could be the least of it- he could have ended up in criminal court,

@ButterSageSpaghetti

So what would have happened if the kids hadn't mentioned it to his mum?! When would it come to light - the wedding day?!

When they did their bans/announce to marry which is think 4/6w minimum before getting married and think op days in June

Dh had to show his divorce certificate to ex wife

I had show my 1st dh death certificate

Sorry if you've said this upthread and I missed it, but how long have you been a couple and how long have you been living together? You mention a lot of rows/ angry text message exchanges just after moving in together and that is a red flag for me, and a sign that perhaps this isn't as out of the blue as it feels right now. You also mention that he can be 'a cock' at times, in what way?

I'm so sorry you're feeling so blindsided, it's a horrendous situation OP and not your fault. I would say you're feeling a bit under the weather and cancel tonight so you don't have that hanging over you, and then consider telling one or two close friends so you can offload to someone who really cares and can give you a massive hug.

In theory this kind of thing could be something you get past - but his attitude through hasn't been great. He seems incapable of understanding you feelings, or being interested in them even if they are different to his or a surprise to him. Has he got form for this?

Rubbing along happily much of the time isn't good enough if he can be this horrible on occasion. Not in my book anyway. In your shoes, I would find an individual counsellor to help me decide what I wanted to do, and would postpone the wedding in the meantime to give me space to think. I'd also fucking tell everyone why we were postponing so they knew it was a logistical error on his part and a massive fuck up, but I'm bitter like that. Either way, you CANNOT go ahead at the current time, postponing seems sensible and cancelling altogether would be in my mind. I hope you can get a warm hug from a friend and some support while you pick your way through this.

[quote Thewheelsfalloffthebus]@Fairyliz
Your opinion of the age gap your assuming the OP and her partner have is irrelevant here. I was pointing out that you’re making an assumption based on pretty insubstantial evidence.
Any age gap is also not related to whether or not he’s a kind and thoughtful person who cares about the OP.
You’re just trying to kick the OP while she’s down. It’s just being cruel for the sake of it. Your ‘advice’ is worse than useless to OP.[/quote]
@Thewheelsfalloffthebus
If my opinion of the age group is so irrelevant why are you trying to prove I am wrong?
I didn’t say the age gap made him an unkind person, people of all ages can be unkind. It’s his actions that make him unkind.
I stand by my advice that this relationship doesn’t appear to be a sound one for marriage and children.

Op, ignore the bitchy, nasty awful remarks people are making. This is mn for you nowadays unfortunately.

I think you just need to really calm down. Take yourself off for a walk, a drive, anything to cool yourself down and gather your thoughts. I don't think anything untoward is happening, personally.

Just a few thoughts on questions your raising in your posts:

He should have been more sensitive about anyone coming over today and made an excuse to dd and his ex. You are right about this.

You have every right to be upset about the wedding being cancelled. That is definitely upsetting.

Crying non stop however is making you look and sound hysterical. You need to take yourself off for a couple of hours, go to a drive thru coffee and get yourself some headspace. Do NOT text your dp hate you messages (trust me, been there done that).

I feel like this is getting whipped up out of proportion. You’re upset already and all these replies are reinforcing your opinion.

You have a really nice, easy life and you usually get on well. Why throw that away? He’s obviously a practical type of man and he doesn’t understand why you’re crying because you can still get married…it just might be that the legal marriage is slightly later than planned. You love his family too and when you do have a child you’ll have family support and financial security.

He was annoyed about potentially losing 30k, which seems pretty normal. Even someone very very rich would be annoyed about that…often rich people are very careful with money. He knew he could still marry you. He didn’t do it deliberately or he wouldn’t be desperately trying to sort it out now.

I’m sorry to disagree with everyone (and I won’t be answering any negative replies) but he sounds like a decent man. The financial stuff was all sorted with his soon to be ex wife and he has a good relationship with her and with his daughter.

He’s probably reacting and being uncaring because he’s really stressed and annoyed with himself for making a mistake and your emotions are fuelling that.

You need to try to calm down.

He's massively fucked up, you are understandably very emotional and he's no doubt embarassed and defensive in resposne to your emotion.

You are into a cycle of escalating each others responses.

Is there somewhere you can go for the night, just to get away from each other and allow some dust to settle?

He may then respond better if you gave him something he could do to sort it out.

GIve it a day and then say to him: I've been devastatde by how this has gone, I think we could sort it if you were able to do x, y or z.
And then see how he responds.

If he continues to be defensive and dismissive it'll be hard to get over this.

But if you give him a chance to sort it he may take the opportunity.
You need to think though, what would you want him to do now to sort it out? What would be acceptable to you?

His current response to your emotion is very dysfunctional but not an unsual response when some one feels they've fucked up and goes into defense mode.

This has turned into a mess.
I think you know some things just don't add up with all this. You were right to confront him with this as it seems he was dragging his feet and it still hasn't come to light why.

I don't know how long you've been together, but he's gone all this time leading you to believe he was already divorced. Of course you wouldn't have gone to all the hours of planning and sent out the invitations if he wasn't.

You mentioned a child. Do you already have children with him?

He also let you buy a house with him thinking he was already divorced.

And no, he didn't just forget. Then it comes out that his stbx is the one who filed the petition.

I don't think going on with just a celebrant until he gets his papers as at this point, you really don't know when that will be. I couldn't marry someone who was already still married. Then say he did eventually get the papers, he could hold that over your head for the registry marriage and not ever legally marry you.

His attitude about the miscarriage and deliberately having his wife and daughter over when you specifically asked him not to for just that one day and he had to pull the old you're not the boss of me.
He's not showing himself to be very nice here when things don't go his way. He could have met them elsewhere or waited a couple days. Nobody was telling him not to have them there at all.

It's probably best to put the entire thing on hold until you find out what is really going on.

Sorry that you're dealing with all this.

I fully agree with the pp.

Also, I'm abit like your dh when I'm stressed tbh, tears really irritate me because it makes me more anxious and piles pressure on top of a stressful situation and I do tend to snap at those who are sitting around crying and not helping in some practical way! Sorry if this sounds harsh , I mean it in the nicest way possible and am trying to make you see what's happening from a different perspective.

A friend of mine stayed married to his ex for 13 years after they separated. He never finalised the divorce as he was worried they would fall out over financials and he wanted to keep a good relationship with her because of their daughter. The ex left him and lots of debt. In the end she wanted to remarry so it was all fine.

I think his ex wife is quite right to sort out finances and not rush it- even if it just securing her daughters future inheritance. It doesn't make her a bad person.
Your partner however is a massive dick. He knew fine he wasn't divorced he just didn't want to deal with the finances in case they fell out and so kicked the can down the road. Now it's come to a head he is deflecting and blaming you because he's a man and it couldn't possibly be his fault. Its pretty unforgivable letting you carry on sending out invites. If he can keep big secrets like that all this time I'd be worried. I'm sorry OP it's a terrible thing to happen.

Oh, dear. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds dreadful. You deserve better than what he is giving you.

@ddl1

Usually getting divorced is something fairly memorable- not something you just forget about until you're reminded. Especially with all the legal implications. Losing the money could be the least of it- he could have ended up in criminal court,

I'm sure getting divorced is fairly memorable, but he didn't get divorced, so there was nothing to remember.

I'm sure he remembers he's no longer with his wife. I doubt he goes home to the wrong house by mistake.

I have a friend who has no idea if she's divorced or not, she can't recall of they completed the process and doesn't care. I suppose if she wanted to remarry she'd find out somehow.

@Familylawso1icitor

Divorce lawyer here also. D10 is an acknowledgement form which would mean he is respondent and his ex is petitioner. Which would mean she is in charge of timeline. Which she may not want to expedite if financial issues are not resolved. However I would also say in a 20 year career I have had several men unsure if they are divorced or not. There was a common misconception that if separated for a period of time then a divorce could take place without one party knowing about it. It is a misconception but one I have come across. Or the process has started, stalled and one or both parties are unsure of where it has got to.

Have you ever had a woman unsure if she's divorced or not?

@Fairyliz
Do you even reread your nonsense before you post it?
You’re the one who tried to link the age gap and OPs partner’s lack of empathy after I called you out on your first shitty post stating the the partner must be too old for OP with no comment on the actual situation.

Don’t blame me for own your lack of logical thinking skills.

I don't understand how someone could ''forget'' they are still married and never got divorced, wouldn't planning to marry you have jogged his memory? I'd be questioning whether marrying him was the right decision tbh but if you still want to go ahead with it then I suppose you could still have the wedding as planned and do the legal bit once his divorce is finalised?

I have a friend who has no idea if she's divorced or not, she can't recall of they completed the process and doesn't care. I suppose if she wanted to remarry she'd find out somehow.

She doesn't care that some bloke/woman she is no longer with will inherit all her assets and estate in case something happens to her? All her hard earned cash and property etc just gets handed over to someone she left ages ago and has had no contribution to her life since. Surely the principle of it should be enough to get people to finalise a divorce.

I would pack a bag OP to gain clarity there's so much even to read!!

You need to breathe. So it appears you are comfortable financially..... something doesn't stack up here but I can't quite place it. Sorry I'm in the camp that I don't understand what would of happened if the ex wife didn't txt him, 30k is a lot of money to be wasting.

Who sent the invites out? Silly idea! To be honest it does seem you are rushing so much sure you can't seem to look deeper. Something isn't right.... casually wasting 30k WOW.

Didn't you get engage how come this didn't flag up sooner from the ex wife?

Okay, those saying to calm down are correct. I’m annoyed at myself because my face just keeps leaking tears and I’m not usually bloody like this. I’m usually logical and sensible and this is annoying me that I can’t think clearly.

He is being defensive because he’s fucked up and upset me - I can see that but it’s still hurtful and making the situation worse. I need to get over this, but it stings.

We have been together nearly 5 years. Living together nearly 2. When we first moved in together we had lots of arguments because we are both used to living alone and it was hard adjusting. It took a few months, we rarely argue now and never (apart from today) to the degree we used to. We are better at communicating and know how the other responds.

I don’t think she is the one to petition? Dp called one of these companies who fast track divorces. They sent out a form, she got a copy and dp sent it back for her. This was about a fortnight ago. The company have said he (or maybe she and I’m muddled?) needs to fill in a D10. That was sent today with supporting evidence of our wedding and a letter she has written saying she supports expedition and she’s fully supportive of our wedding. I’ve seen these docs, so I don’t think I’m missing anything?

Financially we have separate wills and documents drawn up. We each get everything, and then divide amongst all kids equally. Ex wife is living in a mortgage free house and is genuinely very looked after - as are the kids. I’m not naive - there is a large sum in the joint acc he could technically take (as could I) but I have enough in my own pot that I would still be okay.

I need to get some perspective and get my head together. I need to come up with a plan about how I feel and act going forward. Today has been beyond shit, but I need to figure out what happens next.

Thank you to those who have responded kindly I know it’s easy to draw assumptions from words on the screen, this is my life.

Cancel the wedding and cancel him. He’s a nutcase. Who the blithering crikey can’t remember whether they are married or not?