I just don't understand why he's doing this

[TotallyUninspired]

Just over three weeks ago after months of increasingly distant, cruel behaviour from him I asked my husband (of 14 years - 2 children) what was going on.
In January he had said that he felt unhappy and confused and 'loved me to bits but the spark had gone a bit'. I asked if there was someone else, he said no. I asked if he was still attracted to me, he said yes. I suggested marriage counselling, he said 'I don't know - I can't talk about this any more now'. I spent the next few weeks/months doing everything I could to spend more time together, talk more, sleep together more, go on dates, etc. I could still feel him pulling further and further away and making no effort at all (he was happy to sleep with me). He left rooms as I entered them, shrugged off my touch and it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything with me.
This time, when I asked him he said that he 'loved me but was not in love with me', and this time, when I asked again, he told me that he was in love with someone else (also married). He then turned it round and blamed the whole thing on me, coming up with completely random instances from the past when I'd annoyed him by, for example, not telling him he was amazing in bed, not riding my bike enough, not wanting to go to a particular holiday destination one time. When I stood up for myself he got nastier and more personal - attacking my personality, telling me I was scared of life and he couldn't be with someone like that, and this new woman offers him things that I don't: 'happiness, joy'. He also told me it was 'none of my business' who it was.
I just don't recognise the version of our marriage he presented me with - to me we have been largely happy with good communication, were sleeping together, got on well, had the same values, had ups and downs of course, but no more than any other long relationship.
I don't recognise this cruel, selfish person as the man I married.
He is sorry for hurting me but doesn't regret it and would rather be single (if he doesn't end up with her) than be with me and our children, so really I have no choice in any of this. I certainly wasn't prepared to beg - it's gone too far - and I didn't.
It's been such a short time - he hasn't even properly moved out yet and I am brokenhearted and endlessly analysing how this happened and why he never talked to me about any of this at any point until it was too late in his eyes.
I'm scared for my future and for the childrens' future, barely functioning, but keeping it together as best I can for them and taking practical steps to sort it out.
What's really messing with my head now is that, while he's quite determined that this is the correct course of action, and even though he's broken all our hearts, he's phoning me up telling me he misses talking to me and spending time with me. I told him that he didn't get to betray me and then enjoy the benefits of my company. He was astonished and said I was throwing away the 18 years of our relationship. I told him that he had done that and I was only prepared to talk to him about practicalities/the children.
I honestly can't stand talking to him right now. Why doesn't he understand how much pain it causes me, and why does he think I would be in any way fine with being his friend 3 weeks after he's detonated our marriage?

Call his bluff.. Let him know that he won’t be able to “Live his life” if he is summoned to court. Tell him to pull his cowardly head out of his butt or you are engaging the most SHL you can locate

Please do not succumb to the temptation to feel you have done something wrong and deserve blame. Hold your head up high and move on. You are a mature adult; he is a child living in a dream world that has nothing to do with reality. So sad for everyone.

Do you think men ever look back and feel beside themselves for the pain they have caused to their partners?
My DH knows the pain I have gone through in my life but what he is doing at present is beyond anything I have ever experienced before.

@cantbelieveheletmedown I don't know the answer to that. I'm sure some feel guilt and regret later and some never will, but if he doesn't feel it right now, when he can see what he's doing to you, then being with him is damaging to you. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

No they are so engrossed in themselves hold themselves in such high esteem they have no idea!!!

I think they’re really good at compartmentalising… Especially when they don’t want to feel the feelings. They’re also entitled, self-absorbed bastards who are quite capable of telling themselves that they deserve better. (Like the aging, drunken twat in the bar who is holding out for a supermodel.) When they get a niggling suggestion that a bad feeling is coming their way, they immediately change channels to focus on something else. The last thing they want to acknowledge (especially to themselves) is that they were the bad guy. They’ll focus on all the (real or imagined) crimes of the woman they left rather than any of their own behaviour or the damage it’s done. They’ll come up with heaps of reasons to explain their actions away, rather than deal with the consequences of their choices.

You are fabulous OP, don't forget that

He's still doing this absolutely maddening let's be friends act, calling me 'love' and suggesting it would be a lot easier to chat about childcare over a quick coffee rather than by email. It's infuriating because by acting like this he's refusing to acknowledge my hurt and anger are valid, real emotions caused by his awful behaviour, and also because I know fully well that the nice guy mask will slip once the financial wrangling starts. It still feels like he's gaslighting me - does that make sense? I'm sticking to purely factual, practical texts and not giving him anything back, but, bloody hell, it's hard!

Point out that you are NOT friends but ex-partners and and it as much to his benefit to get things sorted as soon as possible so that he can get on with his life and be happy again

AS YOU CAN

Sorry you are going through this OP, it must be torture. He needs to know actions have consequences, he should be out the house for good, arranged time with the kids, doesn't get to talk with you and say he misses you anymore, he threw that away, and needs to understand that. He needs to understand he CHOSE this. And that the fallout is real.

It'll also save you from such emotional torture having to take his calls and see his face everyday. It wouldn't be a surprise if he had a full meltdown and came desperately wanting you back. Who knows, but the best outcome for you all round is making him see this is his choice, and he's going to have to now realise he made his bed, and now has to lie in it.

He’s acting that way because it makes it easier for him to tell himself that what he did was fine. If he can pressure you into acting like you’re “friends” then he can tell himself (and other people) “Yeah, Uninspired is fine about it, she was upset at first but I think she knew our marriage wasn’t working either so this was the best thing for everyone in the end.”

You do not need to participate in his self-flattering fiction. You can send him an email saying something like: “I would like you to stop the pretence that we are friends and that I will soon get over the awful way you abandoned our marriage with no care for my feelings or your promises to me. I won’t. You have shown enormous disrespect and lack of love towards me. I have not taken this as a reflection on my value but on your values, with the result that you’re no longer someone I want in my life beyond the necessary.

You can expect me to be polite for the sake of the children, of course, as their well-being is my priority, as well as cooperative in getting our divorce sorted, but I would like you to understand clearly that friendship between us is off the table now and forever. I will never let you close enough to me to hurt me the way you have again. The sooner you accept that your extremely poor treatment of me means I am no longer willing to extend you the privilege of my company, the more straightforward this will be.”

That’s a great message Cheeky. Although I would maybe tone it down a bit because he will still get some satisfaction from the emotion in it. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference, so I think I’d focus more on him having made his choice and you moving on, rather than how much he hurt you. But the sentiment is spot on.

@CheekyHobson That's extremely well written. Funnily enough he asked for a quick chat on the doorstep just now as he was dropping off the children. This was mainly to moan about his financial struggles but then he got all teary and told me he missed me. I said that this is what he chose and what he wanted to happen. 'Not like this', he said. I asked him what he had thought was going to happen and he said he didn't know. I told him we would never be friends and he sloped off looking miserable. I still hate seeing him unhappy and struggling, but he didn't give a shit about the absolute misery he's caused me and still doesn't really.

Although I would maybe tone it down a bit because he will still get some satisfaction from the emotion in it.

I understand what you're saying but the emotion is real and she shouldn't be ashamed of it because it shows her humanity, in stark contrast to his lack of it. Maybe he'll be pleased that she's hurt because it flatters his ego (which only speaks poorly of him), but that cheap thrill will wear off fast when he realises that she's committed to a path that will ultimately allow her to develop that indifference.

Ironically, her indifference will develop more quickly the more he continues to "not get it", behave like an unfairly treated victim, shows pleasure that he has hurt her, and in general continues to put his own ego first.

Oh OP this is so unfair on you.

The Script is progressing to a tee now.
The lets be friends, the tears, I miss you...money is tight...can I move back in will be the next thing!!!

Not as plain sailing as he thought...or has something kicked off with the OW?

You need to grey rock, only discuss the children and get the ball moving with your solicitor

“My financial situation is dire because I didn’t think I’d get caught. If I make you feel like you are responsible for this, you will feel guilty and take it easy on me. I will do sad puppy dog eyes and act like she has the power to make me all better. Let’s see how that works.”

@TotallyUninspired how you doing OP...anymore tears from him???🤔

No more tears from the man baby but I'm feeling very sorry for myself today! Husband has the kids so I went to a party (a rare occurrence at the best of times!), which was the first large-scale social thing I've done since this unfolded. I didn't expect it but loads of my husband's mates were there. A couple saw me, looked terrified and scuttled off. The rest were very nice and very sympathetic but it made me cry. One of them said to me that he had always thought of him as a boy in a man's body.
Seeing them brought it home to me that he really really has moved on (why am I still not getting this?!) and I didn't sleep at all last night. Maybe I'll feel better after some sleep.

It's always going to be a feeling of catch up for you, you are still processing what you have discovered and who he really is. He's always known who he is and what he is doing. His tears are just because he got found out.

It sounds like bar a few exceptions his friends are as appalled as you are. You did brilliantly to go to a party and face the first big social event on your own. Well done OP don't underestimate yourself. And you're right, a good sleep always makes things feel a bit better!

I've just read this thread and my god, its identical to what im going through right now! accept my arsehole isn't wanting to me " friends" it is actual hell!! You sound so strong OP. Ppl keep telling me im coping but I'm not. Many people of here reccomended chop lady's book, its brilliant! Worth a read.

All i can say to you is...( what i keep telling myself) in 6 months i wil be glad this happened.. i am free!

@whymewhyme I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I'm on the waiting list for some counselling to try and process it all - might be an idea for you to self-refer for that too if you haven't already. I refuse to have my life destroyed by a weak, selfish idiot. Feeling a lot better after a full night's sleep!

Stay strong OP and keep posting, we're hear to listen xxx

I feel your pain, I have refered myself for councilling today and I'm on diazapam. For me its how badly hes treated me since i found out that hurts the most.

How are you feeling today

Husband seems incapable of sticking to contact only regarding the kids. Yesterday I had an email about how sad he is, how much he's struggling with the lack of communication and an apology that made me fume.
He apologised for 'his part in the hurt that has been caused' as if there is some other party (i.e. me) who is also to blame for his cheating on me and 'the hurt that has been caused' was not entirely down to his choices and actions but was somehow outside his control. So fucking slippery. I didn't respond - there's no point in getting into it with him - especially as he doesn't actually regret doing it.

You need to spell out in very small words that you are no longer his confidante or his counsellor. He needs to be accountable for all of his behaviour and that he is barking up the wrong tree if he thinks that you are still available to be his sounding board. If that’s what he needs, then he must pay for professional counselling and leave you out of it.