I just don't understand why he's doing this

[TotallyUninspired]

Just over three weeks ago after months of increasingly distant, cruel behaviour from him I asked my husband (of 14 years - 2 children) what was going on.
In January he had said that he felt unhappy and confused and 'loved me to bits but the spark had gone a bit'. I asked if there was someone else, he said no. I asked if he was still attracted to me, he said yes. I suggested marriage counselling, he said 'I don't know - I can't talk about this any more now'. I spent the next few weeks/months doing everything I could to spend more time together, talk more, sleep together more, go on dates, etc. I could still feel him pulling further and further away and making no effort at all (he was happy to sleep with me). He left rooms as I entered them, shrugged off my touch and it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything with me.
This time, when I asked him he said that he 'loved me but was not in love with me', and this time, when I asked again, he told me that he was in love with someone else (also married). He then turned it round and blamed the whole thing on me, coming up with completely random instances from the past when I'd annoyed him by, for example, not telling him he was amazing in bed, not riding my bike enough, not wanting to go to a particular holiday destination one time. When I stood up for myself he got nastier and more personal - attacking my personality, telling me I was scared of life and he couldn't be with someone like that, and this new woman offers him things that I don't: 'happiness, joy'. He also told me it was 'none of my business' who it was.
I just don't recognise the version of our marriage he presented me with - to me we have been largely happy with good communication, were sleeping together, got on well, had the same values, had ups and downs of course, but no more than any other long relationship.
I don't recognise this cruel, selfish person as the man I married.
He is sorry for hurting me but doesn't regret it and would rather be single (if he doesn't end up with her) than be with me and our children, so really I have no choice in any of this. I certainly wasn't prepared to beg - it's gone too far - and I didn't.
It's been such a short time - he hasn't even properly moved out yet and I am brokenhearted and endlessly analysing how this happened and why he never talked to me about any of this at any point until it was too late in his eyes.
I'm scared for my future and for the childrens' future, barely functioning, but keeping it together as best I can for them and taking practical steps to sort it out.
What's really messing with my head now is that, while he's quite determined that this is the correct course of action, and even though he's broken all our hearts, he's phoning me up telling me he misses talking to me and spending time with me. I told him that he didn't get to betray me and then enjoy the benefits of my company. He was astonished and said I was throwing away the 18 years of our relationship. I told him that he had done that and I was only prepared to talk to him about practicalities/the children.
I honestly can't stand talking to him right now. Why doesn't he understand how much pain it causes me, and why does he think I would be in any way fine with being his friend 3 weeks after he's detonated our marriage?

Wow he's really trying to play the victim in a situation of his own creation!

Any time he tries to strike up a conversation that isn't about the kids, I would send him a copy and paste response every time cutting the conversation dead, not acknowledging anything he has said. He'll soon realise he isn't going to get a reaction from you.

Omg what a twat

Just send the same reply all the time
"Noted"

What an absolute weasel of a man.

Ah, the classic narcissist apology, which always seems to boil down to “I’m sorry that you don’t seem to be able to understand that this isn’t really my fault.”

Still alllllll about him then @TotallyUninspired jeeez such a cliche!!!!

Started new job today and they didn't exactly ease me in gently! It's been a long time since I started a new job but the first day/week/month is always terrible, isn't it?! Someone reassure me! I banged out as much work as I could and burst into tears twice (it's okay, I'm working from home, no-one knew). Hope tomorrow is better.
Thankfully the children are with my horrible husband so didn't have to witness the stress. There's nothing more to say about him at the moment. I'm still miserable and baffled and angry; I will doubtless remain that way for a long time to come.

Oh, I remember that “1st day in new job” feeling, it’s horrible. I’m sure you will be fine OP, and hopefully it’s a short week for you.
as for your husband, cheekyHobson above nailed it, the classic narcissist “apology” which denies any personal fault.
KOKO

What a sorry excuse of a man, rewriting the marriage to fit his own narrative. I hope you are able to tell family and friends what a shallow bastard he is and shatter the illusion of a charming person etc like many others, saw it all before.

Congratulations on the new job op, it's awful the first week, so much to remember, no work mates (to start with) and trying to remember everyone's name. Thank god for working from home, you can cry as much as you need to.

As for your dh, want an absolute wank badger!

I’ve just started a new job too. There are many cliques and I can’t see myself being welcomed by any of them. Feels like high school and I’m 50. Le sigh…

I think you keep focusing entirely on your own self care, job and children.

He does not get to be a part of your unit anymore, he does not have access to any part of your inner world now. He has made his choice. I suspect he will come to regret them, but you keep entirely laser focused on rebuilding your life op. I hope your job goes well It will get easier, cut yourself some slack you have been through so much.

You can't and won't ever be friends

This man betrayed he deserves no place in your life - factual emails only no more cosy chats at the door op, that needs to stop. I would take the children in, say you are busy and he can email if he needs to discuss anything

Of course he is suffering, he has just thrown away a wonderful marriage for a pipe dream, expect more tears from him

The reality of his choice is really beginning to bite, the financial hit - the loss of his lovely wife whom he needed more than he knew and his children. His pensions. Old age now does not look certain and perhaps the loss is dawning on him now

I am sorry to say your dh did not think this through. Not at all. And now the practicalities are bearing down on him, having ripped a whole through his own family it sounds like he is finding it very hard to live with himself, which is why he keeps blaming you and sharing out the blame

The married woman situation appears wobbly, I am betting he is going to come crawling back to you soon enough

Life isn't so fun on the outside, when the wind is howling and your one person that your relied on no longer wants to even speak to you.

Don't give in, don't give up. You have this now op. Perhaps it was too early to go to a party, but make time to see your own friends and have nights out. You will slowly feel better as time passes. It might be sad to watch your ex dh self implode but it WAS his choice. You deserve far better. He is a weak and dishonourable man and no loss to you - not in the long run.

Be happy op. Choose you, every time.

Excellent post 👌🏼

Couldn’t agree more.

@Swayingpalmtrees You are very wise, thank you for your message.
Terrible day 2 at work. I really want to quit - I don't think I can cope with this at all right now. I've tried to be strong but I'm at the end of my tether in every way.
Spoke to my parents on the phone. My dad has urged me to push through until the bank holiday, and my mum is coming to stay with me tomorrow. I really need her.

Bless you OP. Sleep...try and get early nights and sleep.

OP, stick with the job for a little longer. The first week is always the hardest. And know that you have half of Mumsnet cheering you on!

I just wanted to say that you've dealt with the crying-man-baby admirably! Stay strong, it may not feel like it but you are absolutely knocking it out of the park.

Hi, I just wanted to say that I have been following your thread and I really admire how well you are handling all this! So very horrible and unfair. I also wanted to say that I too have just started a new job (3.5 weeks in now). I am back from mat leave and I finished up at my last job under a dark cloud, feeling bruised and battered. It hung over my whole mat leave. Then starting a new job when little one wakes frequently at night was hard. After the first day I didn't sleep and thought I had made a terrible decision. But it gets easier!!! I am much happier now (stll no sleep though!) and I am sure your job will get better too. This is the hardest part!!!

The stress of what’s happening at home is going to make the anxiety of starting a new job worse than usual. It’s only natural that you’d feel overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. When you have other stuff going round your mind, it’s difficult to focus on work at the best of times. So cut yourself some slack 💐

You’ve done amazingly well so far and been far stronger than you realise. Don’t let him ruin this job for you too.

The first week is always the hardest and even harder when you have stuff like this going on, on top. Give the job a chance and give yourself a chance to settle into it.

Lovely that your Mom is coming to stay to support you. Sounds like that will really help right now. Keep going OP, you can do this 💐💐

Thanks all! It has been great to have my mum here.

The job is really daunting at the moment. I was panicking so much last week that I couldn't think clearly at all. I'm hoping if I put some time in tomorrow working out their processes calmly when I don't have emails pinging at me every five seconds I'll be able to get myself into a better frame of mind for the week.

Unfortunately, HH [horrible husband] could see I was in a total state when he dropped the kids off the other day and wanted to know why. I didn't tell him. Didn't really want him to see me so vulnerable but it's happened now.

Thanks once again for the supportive messages.

So pleased you didn’t tell him. Let’s be honest, he is the cause of MOST of the stress. He can GTF! Well done for not falling for the typical DH man’s “I tried to support her, but…” schtickp

@JustKeepSw1mming and @Fraaahnces how's it going with the new jobs? Mine is still very stressful but I think I ended the week in a better position than I started it in.
Yesterday I had a nice day. I spent time with a friend and doing things with the kids and It was the first time since this whole thing happened that I wasn't wholly preoccupied with wallowing in misery. Not saying I'm over it(!), but a happy day feels like progress.
I started counselling last week. It's person-centred counselling and it seems there will be very little input from the therapist. I had envisaged a bit more direction and analysis from the therapist (and, ideally, her telling me that in her professional opinion my husband's a massive twat) - not just me droning on, but I'm trying to keep an open mind on that.

Just jumped on to see how ur doing @TotallyUninspired job will take time dont beat yourself up about it, just take everyday. Thearapist keep going if only to air your feelings

I started counselling last week. It's person-centred counselling and it seems there will be very little input from the therapist. I had envisaged a bit more direction and analysis from the therapist (and, ideally, her telling me that in her professional opinion my husband's a massive twat) - not just me droning on, but I'm trying to keep an open mind on that.

This is quite old fashioned for therapy now, and of course is the most basic of training. Most therapists offer some other skills on top now that are more directive. I would suggest changing and seeing someone else if this isn't what you want from therapy at the moment.

Some times I've wanted and done therapy when I just wanted to let off steam about someone, so I did that. Other times I wanted something else (EMDR therapy was great BTW- would recommend it for past traumatic experiences.)

Soooo, an update. I really tried to listen to all the advice I received to stick the job out, take it one day at a time, etc., but in this case it was beyond the level of normal new job stress. I worked as hard as I possibly could (much longer hours than contracted) to try and pick up everything, understand their processes and get through the workload, but they seemed to expect me to be operating at full capacity instantly with minimal guidance. I did talk to them about this but the response I got didn't encourage me that the situation was going to improve. I was overwhelmed with stress and couldn't eat or sleep properly so I resigned. I know I'm a lot less resilient than usual, which I'm sure played a big part in this, but I'm not convinced that I would ever have enjoyed this job.

I'm so disappointed and I've never quit a job so early in my life, but the relief I feel tells me it was the right thing to do. Hopefully I should be able to slip straight back into freelancing.

Husband still angling for friendship (sigh) and told me his life was horrible right now, if that's any consolation. It is a bit!