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Relationships

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Original poster

How to make husband feel important post-kids

132 replies

paintapicture1 · 03/04/2022 23:04

Me & DH are childhood sweethearts and still going strong in our late 20s. We have two DC, DD age 3 and DS age 9 months.

On the whole our relationship is good and we are a great team. But recently DH has been saying that he sometimes feels a bit uncared for and that we have become distant since DS was born.

He feels that I put my all into being a mum and that it leaves no energy and effort for him. That there isn't the closeness and intimacy between us that there was before having kids. He's overwhelmed by the intensity of parenting and feels the need for a break.

Some of this I think is that sex is much less frequent than it was previously - I'm still breastfeeding and it's affecting my sex drive.

But I do think there's more to it than the sex. I want to find other ways that I can make him feel important, loved and close.

Interested in what others have found good for their relationships with young DCs?

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/04/2022 23:06

Sounds like he needs to find a way to do more parenting. Plus it would be great if he could grow the fuck up.

If he feels distant from you he should be asking how he can offer more support so you both feel like you’re really in it together.

MintyMoocow · 03/04/2022 23:07

Well, look at the ways that he is making you feel special.. and do the same for him.
Oh wait, you mean he’s not actually…..

Santaslittlemelter · 03/04/2022 23:08

He sounds like a big baby.

VyeBrator · 03/04/2022 23:09

Have you ever been on Mumsnet before? You won't get much in the way of advice on this but a lot of people will lay into your husband with heavily sarcastic posts.

On the other hand, it's a strange thing to ask the internet how you can make your husband feel 'important, loved and close'??

Hmm

Onehappymam · 03/04/2022 23:09

What does he do to make you feel cared for and important?

UrsulaPandress · 03/04/2022 23:10

Bless him 🙄

junipermerry · 03/04/2022 23:11

He feels that I put my all into being a mum and that it leaves no energy and effort for him.

The poor darling.

You sound lovely. He doesn't.

Original poster

paintapicture1 · 03/04/2022 23:12

@VyeBrator

Have you ever been on Mumsnet before? You won't get much in the way of advice on this but a lot of people will lay into your husband with heavily sarcastic posts.

On the other hand, it's a strange thing to ask the internet how you can make your husband feel 'important, loved and close'??

Hmm

I'm a bit confused why it's a strange thing to ask on the internet, ways to connect with my husband with two young DCs? I would have thought it's a common issue

OP posts:

Donkeyinamanger · 03/04/2022 23:12

Can you get some time alone together to reconnect? Go out for dinner, or if childcare is an issue have a nice dinner at home after DC are in bed?

To a degree he might need to manage his expectations a bit though because you have very young DC, and it is normal for that to take a lot of your energy. Are there things he can pick up doing that would leave you with more energy for the relationship as it has to work both ways.

SunflowerTed · 03/04/2022 23:17

@AtrociousCircumstance

Sounds like he needs to find a way to do more parenting. Plus it would be great if he could grow the fuck up.

If he feels distant from you he should be asking how he can offer more support so you both feel like you’re really in it together.

Not helpful

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/04/2022 23:17

What’s he doing to make you feel special and to bring back closeness and intimacy between you? Are you both talking about how you feel? That’s the key. Your lives have changed and that will impact on your marriage but you’re jointly involved in the biggest project of your lives, bringing up two children you love, that’s so special.

Investing in your marriage and each other is important. I’ve heard people say they managed to trudge through the baby years on autopilot and reconnect down the line but recognising the challenges and the need for decent communication and mutual appreciation and affection seems better so you can stay connected now. Your marriage is the foundation for your family, the two of you remaining close, happy, secure, is good for your children. In ways you won’t even realise they’ll be watching you and how you interact with each other and that’ll be what they think love looks like.

It’s got to come from both of you, it’s not a you problem to fix. Talk to him, both of you really talk and then listen to each other.

If he frames it as a you issue then he’s being unreasonable but if he’s just letting you know he misses the way things were when it was just the two of you I think that’s okay, most people feel that way at times. Maybe you need to make time to talk about anything but the kids, remember who you both are and what you love about each other.

Ivegotalovelybunch · 03/04/2022 23:17

Tale as old as time …

BlooberryBiskits · 03/04/2022 23:17

I think the point is he should be supporting you through the demands of parenting vs placing additional demands…

Have some regular couple/date time.

But don’t pander/baby him - otherwise you’ll always be ‘working’ for his affections

On a lighter note: this is v common, have a google if Gillette’s ‘fight for kisses’ advert, it’s a bit of a classic illustration

SunflowerTed · 03/04/2022 23:20

I think I’d ignore all the people laying into your husband who quite rightly recognizes that you and him still have a relationship to sustain.

Icantfly · 03/04/2022 23:30

How did you make him feel important and special before the baby that he feels you’ve stopped doing? Is it just sex or something else/other things?

Moodlesofnoodles · 03/04/2022 23:56

If you can afford it, get a regular babysitter and cleaner, or do a babysitting swop with a friend. See if a relative is prepared to take the children for a weekend every 6 months and have a romantic weekend away. Don't be one of those mums who spends her whole life taking the children to activities. But don't tolerate husband not doing his share of looking after the children and house.

pooiepooie25 · 04/04/2022 00:06

@AtrociousCircumstance

Sounds like he needs to find a way to do more parenting. Plus it would be great if he could grow the fuck up.

If he feels distant from you he should be asking how he can offer more support so you both feel like you’re really in it together.

This...

dipdye · 04/04/2022 00:08

Weird that, prioritising two tiny children over an adult

Oh, but he feels unloved!

Cry me a river

Ionlydomassiveones · 04/04/2022 00:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Sprucewillis · 04/04/2022 00:25

Why does he need to feel cared for. You are not his mother.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 04/04/2022 00:28

It probably is just sex.

Moser85 · 04/04/2022 00:29

What does he do to make an effort? or to maintain closeness and intimacy?

It's not a dig but it's a genuine question, because if the answer is nothing and he's putting it all on you then that's a big problem and it's not going to be easily solved!

But if he's trying himself then you both have a much better chance of getting back on track!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/04/2022 00:32

Reverse?

Monty27 · 04/04/2022 00:34

You're both partners in this right?
So share everything with each other including responsibilities. Every now and then make time for each other. Take turns on arranging date nights either out and about or at home.
Even a film and bite to eat depending on your budget and babysitter situation.
Enjoy it together. I hope you can 💐🍀

Llamapolice · 04/04/2022 00:36

Others have said it but I think the issue is that he seems to have put this on you to solve the problem. You're breastfeeding a baby! He should be coming to you with the solution. Telling you what needs to change and how you'd work together to achieve that. It's a bit feeble to just go "hey I don't feel special any more, what are you going to do about it?". I think that's what the earlier poster meant by calling him a baby.

I'd throw it back at him. Okay, I hear you, what do you think we should do? What could we do that would make you feel wanted? See what he comes up with and go from there.

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