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Original poster

How to make husband feel important post-kids

132 replies

paintapicture1 · 03/04/2022 23:04

Me & DH are childhood sweethearts and still going strong in our late 20s. We have two DC, DD age 3 and DS age 9 months.

On the whole our relationship is good and we are a great team. But recently DH has been saying that he sometimes feels a bit uncared for and that we have become distant since DS was born.

He feels that I put my all into being a mum and that it leaves no energy and effort for him. That there isn't the closeness and intimacy between us that there was before having kids. He's overwhelmed by the intensity of parenting and feels the need for a break.

Some of this I think is that sex is much less frequent than it was previously - I'm still breastfeeding and it's affecting my sex drive.

But I do think there's more to it than the sex. I want to find other ways that I can make him feel important, loved and close.

Interested in what others have found good for their relationships with young DCs?

OP posts:
Youvebeengonesolong · 04/04/2022 00:37

Genuine question op; what does he do for you that makes you feel cared for? Does he set aside energy and make an effort for you?

I think the responses you are getting on here reflect the fact that with DC of 3 years and
9 months, it is to be expected really that you won't have as much intimacy as you had before DC, and your DH should realise that and be a grown up about it.

Of course it's important to keep your relationship strong but instead of complaining about it and putting the onus on you to sort it out; imho it would be much more helpful if he stepped up and sorted a baby-sitter and organised a night out or took on more duties in the house, so that you had more time together after the DC are in bed.

Lpc3 · 04/04/2022 00:40

Is it that he doesn't feel loved or that he doesn't feel needed and respected? Men thrive off of the later (generalisation of course).

HirplesWithHaggis · 04/04/2022 00:55

@Sprucewillis

Why does he need to feel cared for. You are not his mother.
I think most people like to feel their dp cares about them. It's hardly outrageous.
GiantHaystacks2021 · 04/04/2022 00:55

Tell him to grow the fuck up.
You have yourself a man-baby there.

Geppili · 04/04/2022 02:41

Change his nappy, feed him, burp him and stick a dummy in his mouth. Poor ickle babyman.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2022 03:21

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

It probably is just sex.
This.

You should both get time off though. Do you have any family support?

AusFrosty · 04/04/2022 03:45

OP - you just have to be kind to each other, occasional date nights if you can and remember this stage doesn’t last forever - I’m afraid your husband will have to suck it up for a while…

As you may have noticed, mumsnet does not have a lot of sympathy for men.

E.g

“My Husband cheated on me” Mumsnet advice: Leave the bastard.

“My Wife cheated on me” Mumsnet advice: Get over it, you must have done something wrong…

Kanaloa · 04/04/2022 04:00

What does your husband do that makes you feel important/special/cared for? Just emulate that.

So if he brings you breakfast in bed then that’s obviously what he thinks of as caring and making someone feel special - you could do the same back so he sees it being reciprocated.

Does he do many things that make you feel important and special?

CrumpetStrumpet · 04/04/2022 04:17

Ditto what others have said. What's he doing to make you feel special?

My ex husband used to complain that we weren't as close after we had our twins. Astonishingly I didn't have much time for keeping the spark alive whilst surviving on three hours sleepHmm

One of the many reasons he's now my ex...

WTF475878237NC · 04/04/2022 04:26

It's not uncommon for childhood sweethearts to basically outgrow each other and split by 30. Are you sure his comments aren't about him generally distancing himself from you and laying the blame at your door?

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 04/04/2022 04:37

If he does his share of parenting and housework and still finds time to make you feel special I can see his point. If not he's got a cheek.

Goldbar · 04/04/2022 04:37

He's not a third child. He's an adult. He doesn't get to be overwhelmed by parenting and to have a 'break' unless he provides the same for you.

If he does more parenting, you can do less. And you will have more energy for your relationship.

Ask him whether he wants to be an equal in your relationship or just another chore on your chore list.

needmorethanthis · 04/04/2022 04:51

This is an interesting thread because I have the same issue

autienotnaughty · 04/04/2022 05:41

The way the post is written it reads like he's making it a you problem rather than it being a joint concern. You could try to get some time together either getting babysitter or spending time together when kids are in bed. Not just sex but also listening to music together, a film or nice meal. But he also needs to except life is different now and appreciate what he has.

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2022 06:52

He needs to do an equal amount of parenting - or at least an equal amount when he is not at work.

You deserve an equal amount of 'down time' whether that's taken inside the home or out of it (appreciate you might not want to go out much with such young children but he should.be responsible.for th.while.you get to take a bath, lie down, speak to a friend on the phone, go for a walk, go to the gym etc)

He could organise a babysitter and suggest somewhere for you both to go.

It does sound a bit like he has just given you a problem to solve.

gonnascreamsoon · 04/04/2022 07:01

OK, so he's told you he's feeling a bit 'neglected' because all your time and energy is being spent being a parent....

  1. What has HE proposed to improve this ?
  2. Why isn't all HIS time and energy been spent on your kids too ?
  3. Is he asking for more sex, or more cuddles or more time ?

If he wants more sex, tell him he'll need to do more work taking care of his own kids/home to allow you to have some 'me' time, so that you'd maybe have the energy/ inclination.

If he wants you BOTH to get a break from parenting, then maybe ask a friend/relative to babysit so you can have a little child free time ?

If he just wants some more cuddles and tactile 'affection', then surely he can initiate that when he feels the need ?

liveforsummer · 04/04/2022 07:02

Of course this is your fault and your job to fix despite breastfeeding and no doubt doing the lions share of parenting and shouldering much of the mental load. Sorry but this complaint would make me lose respect for him. If he feels that way why doesn't he make the effort instead of complaining to you and expecting you to make sure he gets more sex solve it.

megletthesecond · 04/04/2022 07:04

What is he doing? Is he doing 50% of parenting, night wake ups, early mornings, housework, house admin etc?

bozzabollix · 04/04/2022 07:17

Had my husband asked him this when our youngest was three months old he’d have readied himself for the inevitable explosion. He didn’t though, he went to work, but when he came back he parented equally, which gave us some time and me some resources to have a laugh together.

The fact he’s asking puts pressure on you to fix the issue, which is plain wrong, if he’s doing what he should be and stepping up to be a good dad then your relationship together will be far better. You’ll have time and mental energy, if it’s all on you then you’ll be worn out.

There was an article a long while ago which stated the obvious, the less useless a man is domestically and as a parent, the more sex he gets. I’d try to find it for your husband, it may point him in the right direction given evidently he needs quite a bit of help to see the plain obvious.

springtimeishereagain · 04/04/2022 07:18

@AtrociousCircumstance

Sounds like he needs to find a way to do more parenting. Plus it would be great if he could grow the fuck up.

If he feels distant from you he should be asking how he can offer more support so you both feel like you’re really in it together.

This!!

springtimeishereagain · 04/04/2022 07:20

This sounds like the start of a script. Some men have their noses put out of joint that the dc get more attention than they do.

How much parenting and house work does he do? His fair share? How is he with the kids?

What does he do to make you feel special?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 04/04/2022 07:41

I think everyone has asked, quite reasonably, the same question: what is he doing for you that shows he is making the effort to make YOU feel loved, important and close?

Once we know the answer to that, we can offer suggestions as to what you can do to reciprocate his efforts.

The fact that you’re choosing not to answer it, however, does tell its own story - are you realising that what your DH is in fact saying (despite dressing it up in terms of love and emotion) is: I’m not getting enough sex and I expect you to provide more?

newbiename · 04/04/2022 07:44

So he wants more sex? Tell him to grow up.

newbiename · 04/04/2022 07:45

You don't need to make him feel important it's not 1950.

DogsAndGin · 04/04/2022 07:50

Sorry you’re getting a hard time asked fellow women for advice. You’re a young mum, with two very young kids and you’re just asking other women for advice. I say; go you!

How about silly little things for DH - I leave notes for mine, buy him a chocolate bar every now and then, give him a card from the kids, make his favourite dinner, and, if you can afford it/ the timing is right - sounds like you need a holiday or weekend away!

And yes, I get all of that in return, tenfold!

You sound like a lovely family OP. Have a great week x