How to make husband feel important post-kids

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Me & DH are childhood sweethearts and still going strong in our late 20s. We have two DC, DD age 3 and DS age 9 months.

On the whole our relationship is good and we are a great team. But recently DH has been saying that he sometimes feels a bit uncared for and that we have become distant since DS was born.

He feels that I put my all into being a mum and that it leaves no energy and effort for him. That there isn't the closeness and intimacy between us that there was before having kids. He's overwhelmed by the intensity of parenting and feels the need for a break.

Some of this I think is that sex is much less frequent than it was previously - I'm still breastfeeding and it's affecting my sex drive.

But I do think there's more to it than the sex. I want to find other ways that I can make him feel important, loved and close.

Interested in what others have found good for their relationships with young DCs?

He’s not a ‘new’ dad though, he already has a 3 year old .

Why should OP do all the running around to make him feel special and important when he’s evidently not doing anything to support her, but instead is telling her she’s not putting too much effort into being a mother and not enough effort in their relationship or ‘self care’ whatever that means.

@AtrociousCircumstance

Sounds like he needs to find a way to do more parenting. Plus it would be great if he could grow the fuck up.

If he feels distant from you he should be asking how he can offer more support so you both feel like you’re really in it together.

Came on to say this.

He sounds insanely selfish.

Op, you said you're Burnt out. Then in your next message you put a list of how you and your husband divide jobs. It doesn't look fair to me, does it to you?! Why's he only doing 25% childcare when he's home? Why are you doing all the housework, meal planning, cooking etc? It sounds to me like your partner is expecting you to do the lions share of the childcare and running the house then complaining he isn't high enough up your list because you're doing raising the kids and doing the housework too well?!! What advice would you give a friend in this situation! You and your husband because it's his responsibility too, need to change things before you go back to work.

And in my experience of having two friends whose husbands have said similar - they bent over backwards trying to be a mother/wife/chef/sex goddess and their husbands still had affairs.
(Not saying your husband will do this btw, just that sometimes you can put in a lot of effort and it's still not good enough).

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

It probably is just sex.

Yep.

RIght what strikes me here is that you are burnt out because you are taking too much on and are about to take even more on.

I think FOR YOU you need to sit down with him and say he is right you are burning out and you need him to take on more and you will carve out some time for yourself because you do need a break.

And then within that see what happens.

How does he make you feel loved and important? And how much parenting does he do?

basically I think he would rather I dropped my parenting standards slightly and took time for both myself and our relationship.

what exactly does this entail? Because if it's no longer ironing their bedding (and changing it daily), serving them gourmet meals that take 3 hours to prepare and insisting on 4 different educational activities, outside the home, per day.... then sure, he's probably right.

If he means responding to your children, thinking about what they need for social, physical, mental and emotional well being, ensuring they're fed nutritionally satisfying meals, monitoring their sleep (and getting them to bed on time to ensure they get enough) etc etc..... then I'm not sure that there are a lot of standards to reduce.

I know you don't want us thinking badly of him but it's quite hard to really understand what's going on here. You're doing the bulk of EVERYTHING and his answer is not to help you more but to tell you to just DROP a whole lot of stuff?

Also, MIL used to bang on about how I should let DS stay up later when we were visiting her. It only stopped when I rather sharply told her one time, "Sure MIL, I'll do that. An the can then sleep in your room and you can be the one who will get up with him 5 times a night .... which is what happens when he's overtired."

Because this is something DH and I argued about a bit - him thinking I was being precious or whatever. When really, I was just trying to make sure w didn't have a meltdown.

I just feel confused and now, having read the responses on this thread, also feel a bit helpless and pathetic!

No need to feel pathetic. His narrative is a common one and if anyone should feel a bit pathetic or should be him. I hope once you are working things will at least be split a bit more evenly?! I don't understand how he things you can 'drop your standards' you have very young children that need round the clock care. It's not like your spending all your time fawning over a teenager. What does he expect you to drop? Leave them to cry or go hungry while you take a bath or do some yoga?

I wonder if there are any men out there writing posts like "My wife is feeling uncared for post-kids, how do I make her feel important"

@BourbonVanilla maybe not writing it online but I certainly have male friends / work mates etc who seem to try to do nice things for their wife’s eg to make sure they feel happy and non stressed and show they are appreciated etc

I do get this tho (ops post ) I can get bored in relationships when I feel like the effort levels have dropped regardless of whether that’s justified or not ( ie young kids ) but I think this works both ways and women are very often doing the lions share of the work and it’s no wonder they are tired / stressed etc IMO

am basically just single these days because I cba so I am probably not the best at advice tho

Oh And another one saying he will 99 percent mean sex 😅

I have 3 children OP. We both work full time and always have. There is a bit of that indoor/outdoor split you describe goes on in my house too but here is the main split:

DH does mornings with the kids and has done for over a decade now while I get into work, so that is uniforms, drop off, packed lunches done by him.

I do laundry, shopping and evenings meals.

Kids are older do there is lots of activities, at least 2 every evening, evenly split between us. DH coaches kids teams in athletics and another sport. I drop off to other activities. I did brownies and guides as a leader for years but not anymore.

Play dates, birthday parties, buying birthday presents even split between us. Finding childcare, cleaners, managing both evenly split between us. Christmas presents, family meet ups organisation evenly split between us.

In fairness my husband had moaned about the lack of sex from time to time, heck I have felt the same way myself over the years but we both have put in the joint effort that has given us leeway to moan.

Life with young kids is relentless and exhausting it needs two people putting in maximum effort a lot of the time and pulling together and yes absolutely making time for one another. I am not convinced by what you are writing that your husband is pulling his weight and I think he is gaslighting you into making his problem into your problem.

"Life with young kids is relentless and exhausting it needs two people putting in maximum effort a lot of the time and pulling together and yes absolutely making time for one another. I am not convinced by what you are writing that your husband is pulling his weight and I think he is gaslighting you into making his problem into your problem."*

This.*

I had the initial same reaction as a lot of posters.

I think its because for me it reads 'we have a problem in our relationship. I feel like this and it's all your fault. What are you going to do differently?'.

I think you would have got a different reaction if you had said your partner wanted to concentrate on your relationship a bit more and were both looking for ideas for what you could both do to improve things. Or that you actually agreed with him and wanted to spend more time with him.

I think as well with the ages of your kids, in practical terms, most people realise that yes, your relationship goes on the backburner for a while. It just does. Especially if you're breastfeeding, the physical and mental challenges of not being able to hand a baby over for a weekend are difficult. If your child was 4 and you were still feeling like this then he may have a point but I think people are like 'what the fuck did he expect'? When are you supposed to devote time to making him feel loved?

I think the main things you need to look at are
Does he pull his weight? Do you have equal leisure time, time to lie in or do hobbies at weekends? I'd expect with young kids neither of you would have much but it should be equal

What is he doing to improve your relationship, make you feel closer to each other, make you feel valued etc? And if he isn't doing anything, why is all this your responsibility

Lastly are your standards too high? If you're one of those people that has to have a pristine home and washes towels after one use and bedding every other day etc then maybe you should take his advice about standards

Lastly his comment about gained a mother lost a wife doesn't sit well with me. Like you can't be both, you have to split your energy half way between him and your kids. Which isnt the case, most people accept when your kids are very young that most of your energy is going to be taken up by them. It is permanent

*isnt

There are 3 approaches:

1. Your husband does more
2. “Cut corners” (I.e. are you making nice meals when egg on toast will do ?)
3. If budget allows get someone else to help (cleaners and the like)

They are not mutually exclusive and #2 and #3 apply to your husband’s chores

In his words 'the family has gained a mother but lost a wife'. He says that I put 110% in to being a mum but don't take enough time and effort for both our relationship and for self-care.

What a wanky thing to say.

How much effort is he putting into being a father and a husband? Tinkering with the car and putting the odd shelf up don't begin to compare in terms of workload with the daily round of running a household largely solo on top of full time childcare and broken sleep.

As pp say - the more he pulls his weight around the house the more time and energy you will have. What do you do when he picks up a bit of parenting at the weekend? Do you get out of the house and do something different or does he take them out so that you get some sleep? If not, start doing that because the only way you will get out of the brainfog is by having time off and sleep.

@GiantHaystacks2021

Tell him to grow the fuck up. You have yourself a man-baby there.

Agreed!

Oh yuck this kinda makes me feel a bit sick as it reminds me after my eldest was born my mother told me to make sure my dh doesn’t fell left out now we have a baby
And that I had to make time for him too
And that a lot of men suffer with a lack of attention once they have a baby
Can’t quite remember whAt I replied but but thjnk it was something like pretty sure he’s mature enough to know a baby’s needs come first … with a 🤨face

Wouldn’t have minded if she had offered to babysit or something but she didn’t …..
It was just another task assigned to me

It's really not very attractive is it, a man who won't can't fend for himself. How will he manage without his after work cocktail 🍸

What about turning the tables and saying you didn't realise how needy he is until now and it's giving you the ick?

Gained a mother but lost a wife?!

Eek that's bad.

Reiterating what has been said already, but if he thinks you deserve more time to yourself (self care, hobbies, reading in the bath), then great.

He should make that happen

How much more up for some intimacy would you be if he'd cooked tea, tidied up, and got the kids to bed while you were relaxing in a candlelit bath?

Tell him your family seems to have lost a caring lover and gained a 1950s patriarch.

@oliviastwisted

I have 3 children OP. We both work full time and always have. There is a bit of that indoor/outdoor split you describe goes on in my house too but here is the main split:

DH does mornings with the kids and has done for over a decade now while I get into work, so that is uniforms, drop off, packed lunches done by him.

I do laundry, shopping and evenings meals.

Kids are older do there is lots of activities, at least 2 every evening, evenly split between us. DH coaches kids teams in athletics and another sport. I drop off to other activities. I did brownies and guides as a leader for years but not anymore.

Play dates, birthday parties, buying birthday presents even split between us. Finding childcare, cleaners, managing both evenly split between us. Christmas presents, family meet ups organisation evenly split between us.

In fairness my husband had moaned about the lack of sex from time to time, heck I have felt the same way myself over the years but we both have put in the joint effort that has given us leeway to moan.

Life with young kids is relentless and exhausting it needs two people putting in maximum effort a lot of the time and pulling together and yes absolutely making time for one another. I am not convinced by what you are writing that your husband is pulling his weight and I think he is gaslighting you into making his problem into your problem.

You sound like the perfect family!

I'm quite jealous but in awe. Well done.

Oh dear op, been there, met at 15, married at 25 and four kids by 35. Poor baby felt he had lost himself and was having affairs by 40.
I kicked him out at 41. You both should be looking after each other.

*You sound like the perfect family!

I'm quite jealous but in awe. Well done*

@moofolk if you only knew no very far, far from perfect but very equal and it does make things easier for me and for my daughters who are learning about what to expect from future partners.