How to make husband feel important post-kids

[paintapicture1]

Me & DH are childhood sweethearts and still going strong in our late 20s. We have two DC, DD age 3 and DS age 9 months.

On the whole our relationship is good and we are a great team. But recently DH has been saying that he sometimes feels a bit uncared for and that we have become distant since DS was born.

He feels that I put my all into being a mum and that it leaves no energy and effort for him. That there isn't the closeness and intimacy between us that there was before having kids. He's overwhelmed by the intensity of parenting and feels the need for a break.

Some of this I think is that sex is much less frequent than it was previously - I'm still breastfeeding and it's affecting my sex drive.

But I do think there's more to it than the sex. I want to find other ways that I can make him feel important, loved and close.

Interested in what others have found good for their relationships with young DCs?

@paintapicture1

Lots of people asking about the situation with what we each take responsibility for:

Him - works full time with occasional overtime, does maybe 25% of childcare when he's at home, gardening, DIY, car maintenance etc

Me - currently on Mat leave, most of the childcare, cleaning, cooking, meal planning, household admin and financial planning

I'm sure we will be slated for such an old-fashioned split of jobs

I'm due back from maternity leave soon so will be working 20 hours per week and I'm concerned about how exhausted I will be with that on top of everything else!

Also I think I possibly worded the 'self Care' wrong, as people seem to be interpreting it as keeping up with my appearance! What he actually meant was taking time for myself to relax and keep up with hobbies etc. basically I think he would rather I dropped my parenting standards slightly and took time for both myself and our relationship. I can't bring myself to do this as my DC are my world and I want to do my best for them, always.

It is also worth mentioning that on the whole we have a lovely and very healthy relationship

There's the problem then, you're working a lot harder than he is. You're both working the same during his hours and when he does the overtime, and then outside that you're doing the majority. If I were a betting woman I'd say you do all the night wakings with both too.

Him not doing his fair share means you're more tired and have less energy for him. There are consequences to his actions.

@oliviastwisted

*You sound like the perfect family!

I'm quite jealous but in awe. Well done*

@moofolk if you only knew no very far, far from perfect but very equal and it does make things easier for me and for my daughters who are learning about what to expect from future partners.

Well keep it up, whatever you're doing!

I know from experience that girls growing up with an excellent dad (as well as mum, obvs), have high expectations and are much less likely to put up with shit from men as they grow up.

I need to hide this thread, because every time I catch a glimpse of the title, it's giving me the rage!
Why do you think it's your responsibility to make your husband feel important?!? Yuck. Absolute yuck. Please don't bring up your children to believe women are here to serve and entertain men, like you clearly inherently believe.
If you'd written, 'how did you make sure you stayed connected as a couple?' That would be fine, but to even think about writing your title, without pausing and thinking how utterly wrong it was, beggars belief. Hiding now.

@arethereanyleftatall

I need to hide this thread, because every time I catch a glimpse of the title, it's giving me the rage! Why do you think it's your responsibility to make your husband feel important?!? Yuck. Absolute yuck. Please don't bring up your children to believe women are here to serve and entertain men, like you clearly inherently believe. If you'd written, 'how did you make sure you stayed connected as a couple?' That would be fine, but to even think about writing your title, without pausing and thinking how utterly wrong it was, beggars belief. Hiding now.

Agree with this. It took me years of therapy, being challenged by friends and experiencing pain and trauma to change the narrative of "hold on to your man at whatever cost" that I'd grown up with.

@arethereanyleftatall

I need to hide this thread, because every time I catch a glimpse of the title, it's giving me the rage! Why do you think it's your responsibility to make your husband feel important?!? Yuck. Absolute yuck. Please don't bring up your children to believe women are here to serve and entertain men, like you clearly inherently believe. If you'd written, 'how did you make sure you stayed connected as a couple?' That would be fine, but to even think about writing your title, without pausing and thinking how utterly wrong it was, beggars belief. Hiding now.

You probably won't see this response as you've hidden the thread, but I feel a need to address this as I found your post quite rude.

Yes, I do see it as my job to make my husband feel important, loved and valued. In the same way I expect him to make me feel the same. Just because I am asking how to make him feel important, doesn't mean that I don't expect the same from him.

While I agree the post title could have been better worded, I have explained previously that I'm having a bit of brain fog at the moment as I'm exhausted from looking after two very small children.

Even if you did think that I have old-fashioned and slightly misogynistic views, I had posted for advice because I was struggling emotionally and I find your response dismissive and unkind.

For your information, I am certainly bringing up my children to believe that women and men are equals in a relationship, and to expect love and respect from their partner. As mentioned previously my relationship with DH is on the whole very loving and healthy.

OP, like you say, I think the way you have worded the title is irritating to some.
I too checked in to question whether you could perhaps take your cue from all the things he is presumably doing to make you feel special. I think that having DC sorts the wheat from the chaff, and any man worth his salt wouldn't dream of making it his partner's lookout to make him feel important. The 'currency' post-DC has changed; he needs to step up and find ways of including himself and bringing something to the table which will put him on your map. It is normal for both spouses to feel the loss of what has passed, but the comment your DH made about your marriage gaining a mother but losing a wife was under the belt; what are you supposed to do with a comment like that?
MN is an amazing forum for affirming one's observations and experiences of male fragility and entitlement, of men inadvertently centering themselves and their needs in the family dynamic, of the expectation of female partners to enable their male partners in their careers, hobbies and efforts at parenting, often at their own expense. Many women only wake up to this once they have young DC and will be gaslighted out of the realisation by patriarchal society, but find resonance here. Such a gift.
Wishing you all the best, OP.