How to make husband feel important post-kids

[paintapicture1]

Me & DH are childhood sweethearts and still going strong in our late 20s. We have two DC, DD age 3 and DS age 9 months.

On the whole our relationship is good and we are a great team. But recently DH has been saying that he sometimes feels a bit uncared for and that we have become distant since DS was born.

He feels that I put my all into being a mum and that it leaves no energy and effort for him. That there isn't the closeness and intimacy between us that there was before having kids. He's overwhelmed by the intensity of parenting and feels the need for a break.

Some of this I think is that sex is much less frequent than it was previously - I'm still breastfeeding and it's affecting my sex drive.

But I do think there's more to it than the sex. I want to find other ways that I can make him feel important, loved and close.

Interested in what others have found good for their relationships with young DCs?

Why isn't he doing far more , get him breast feeding. Just throw him out it will save time.

Why is this your issue to fix?

Having young children does usually means less time for each other and less sex. Grown ups realise that. He just sounds a bit jealous which is really unattractive. I really couldn’t be bothered with an adult that acted like this.

I agree with PP, I am much more likely to want sex if I feel my partner has picked up some of the day to day load. He feels sex will bring us closer. I do not want sex unless I feel I have been supported in other ways.

Get the kids bathed and fed before he gets home from work, and make sure you touch up your makeup and hair and be nicely dressed. Ensure you have the house tidy and dinner waiting, remember he’s had a busy and important day at work doing things you could not possibly understand so ensure your home environment is quiet and welcoming so all the cares and stressors from his day can melt away. Offer him a drink, give him a foot rub etc. take the lead from him about what he wants to talk about.

Im starting to imagine there are men’s rights activists wearing capes and hanging around maternity hospital carparks, handing out ‘Shitty Partner’ scripts to men they feel a connection to. It's always the same script.

You have two very young children. Of course your time, focus and energy is on them. Unless you have a nanny, or very hands-on grandparents, it has to be.

1. Ask yourself what he does to make you feel loved and cared for each day / week / month.
2. Ask yourself what he has practically done / arranged for your relationship in the past week / month / year.
3. Ask yourself what he does practically as a father each day.
4. Ask him what he could do to make the situation better for him right now.

I think the problem here paintapicture is that in the past both women and men were socialised to see women as having the family role as the support human for her husband and children. In this generation (as much for the sake of our daughters as ourselves) we are attempting to get both women and men to recognise that women are people in their own rights with needs and wants of their own. That is really what you need to be working on helping your DH to understand. You are a person with the same 24 hours as anyone with huge demands on your time and energy coming from the children that you both chose to have and now if he were to recognise your needs he would see that you are doing your best in that context to give him what you able to give with all of those demands on you in your relationship. He has to either majorly pick up the slack to free up your time to allow you to be more available to him or he needs to lower his expectations instead of putting more responsibility and demands on you to meet his needs.

@AtrociousCircumstance

Sounds like he needs to find a way to do more parenting. Plus it would be great if he could grow the fuck up.

If he feels distant from you he should be asking how he can offer more support so you both feel like you’re really in it together.

Geniune question: do you think he cares enough to post on the internet? What is he doing for YOU to fix HIS problem? ,,(ie tidy the house, organise a family member to babysit, plan buy and cook ingredients for a nice meal for you both?)

Because really he implicitly asking you to do this for him. That is not being a team

Yeah agree with PP, he’s making this your problem not an “us” problem. He’s going to sit back and leg you run yourself ragged to try to make your relationship better, you do all the effort and thinking.

Once you see the misogyny it’s pretty hard to unsee it.

Give him more blowjobs. That's basically what he's asking for

But recently DH has been saying that he sometimes feels a bit uncared for and that we have become distant since DS was born

What is he doing to make you feel cared for? To maintain the relationship? Or does he see it as your job to parent him as well as two small children?

It it were the mutual relationship he were worried about he would be talking in terms of what "we" can do to get some time out, spend time together. Complaining that he isn't getting enough attention from you suggests he sees all the relationship stuff as your job.

The only way to get through this difficult stage is by working together.

Parenting is hard and it is intense and sometimes you do need a break. But you have to be together on this.

Work out for example how to separately have a break and if you can find time together.

You dont need to find ways to make him feel important and loved - you need to work out together how to make time to ensure you both feel loved

Maybe you didn't intend it to read like this, but your op is really sad.
Why is it your job to make him feel special?!? Why do you think that's even a normal question? What I got from your post is that you're carrying the burden of parenting, and rather than helping, he's complaining you don't have time for him. That's outrageous isn't it?
Decent man 'I'll put the dc to bed tonight, so that you can have a nice bath, and then I've organised a babysitter so that we can go out for dinner.'
Shit man 'hurry up putting the dc to bed on your own so that you can come and give me a blow job'.

Hmm what is he doing to make you feel special? All he seems to be doing is moaning!

Life with small children is hard. Your relationship does get put on the back burner, that’s just the way it is. People need to accept that and just work together as a team and focus on enjoying the kids when they’re little, knowing they’ll grow up and before you know it you’ll have time together again. Been there, done that, got the T shirt! I’m in my 40s and I think so many couples just expect too much of each other and their relationships when they have small children.

He needs to take a chill pill and be more understanding.

buy him a chocolate bar every now and then

.

And I agree with a pp ..it's probably just about sex

Well, what's he doing for you and your joint children?

There is a massive difference between connecting with your husband and making him feel important.

OP, no one here knows the truth about your relationship and how your husband really is.

On the one hand, your husband needs to accept that things do change after you have kids, and that your lives will be very different from before. You just don't have the time, freedom or money to do all the things you would have done together as a childfree couple. The more he pulls his weight with the childcare and housework, the more time and energy you will have for him.

On the other hand, it is important to make time for yourselves as a couple after kids come along. Try to avoid falling into the trap of collapsing on the sofa watching TV or looking at your phones every evening once the kids are in bed. If you have dinner together after the kids are in bed, leave your phones somewhere else and actually talk to each other. Try to go to bed earlier, cuddle up together in bed and you will be emotionally and physically connecting even if you don't feel like having sex. But it will also make sex more likely.

Beyond sex, take the time out to do things together without the kids. Get a babysitter and go out for dinner every now and again. If your son is only 9 months old, are you still on maternity leave? If you are going back to work, once you've been back for a while and you have childcare sorted during the day, consider both of you taking a day off together once in a while to spend time together. My husband and I do this instead of getting each other birthday presents - both take the day off and go out for a long lunch together.

Kids change your life, there's no doubt about it, but you do need to have some time alone together to maintain your relationship, which is really important for your kids too.

It’s 99% sex with a dash of not really being arsed to take on his parental responsibilities.

It’s not fair that he is making this your problem to solve. Have a conversation about shared responsibilities re parenting and let him know you will likely ‘make him feel more special’ (aka have more sex) if you are less knackered.

There’s actually no advice to the specific question you asked because we all know that couples who care for and respect each other and pull their weight don’t ask their spouses to put them before their kids.

It's good that he's talking to you about it. It's easy to drift apart a bit when there is so much else going on.
I used to subscribe to the Gottman marriage minute emails and found those really useful - they talk about love languages, bids for affection, etc.

The more he pulls his weight with the childcare and housework, the more time and energy you will have for him.

Ram this home to him, OP.

I've truly never, ever seen a man who whinged about not being as "important" as before kids, or however they phrase it, who actually did his fair share so the mother wasn't too shattered all the time to do what he wanted. Ditto for the pissants who whinge that wifey isn't as slim and sparkling as she was before. Never saw a single one of those who was prepared to do his share of night waking, early mornings and general parenting to give the Fembot the time and energy to go to the gym or follow a healthy eating plan.

Be very, very wary of men who do shit all for you day to day but insist that sex alone is their love language.

And I don't think it's wrong to try and make your DH feel special. Of course he should be trying to make you feel that way too.

@DrSbaitso

The more he pulls his weight with the childcare and housework, the more time and energy you will have for him.

Ram this home to him, OP.

I've truly never, ever seen a man who whinged about not being as "important" as before kids, or however they phrase it, who actually did his fair share so the mother wasn't too shattered all the time to do what he wanted. Ditto for the pissants who whinge that wifey isn't as slim and sparkling as she was before. Never saw a single one of those who was prepared to do his share of night waking, early mornings and general parenting to give the Fembot the time and energy to go to the gym or follow a healthy eating plan.

Be very, very wary of men who do shit all for you day to day but insist that sex alone is their love language.

Agreed. My dh does his fair share. More than most days. That includes all the cooking and all food shopping. Even when i was ebf he did all the winding and settling throughout the night. Breastfeeding through the night was still a shared parental task. He never complains about feeling unloved or wanting more sex. I expect because as he does pull his weight he is as tired as me.

You both need to understand that relationships change as you have children, in fact when any big life events happen. You need to keep communication open, remember the little things that made you fall in love and express that love any way you can. Sex is only part of it and that can change over time. He needs to understand what you need as much as you need to understand what he needs. For me date nights felt forced, I was often tired. However connecting over a nice meal at home, making time to talk these all kept us connected. You need to be a team.

What does he do for the family? And I don't mean going out to work.

If he is pulling his weight and being an excellent dad then surely he'd feel important?

Sounds like not thought, and you have to look after him as well as the kids. It grinds my gears this. I have seen so many women go from feeling that they were never happy because the man was always dissatisfied with how much cared she was giving him, and frustrated at having to look after a man a well as kids, to being very happy single mums. Knowing that they have to do all the work and aren't getting help, but without a massive useless man baby to care for / resent for not pulling his weight as well.

So

While it is Mumsnet, and you did ask ...

LTB.

Me and my husband are going through this too. DD is 2 and I did put all my energy into looking after her.
We are lucky that my DSis is happy to babysit. We booked a night in a hotel and went for a meal and then out for a relaxed breakfast the next day. It was lovely to just concentrate on each other and just enjoy each others company. It actually made us both realise how much we missed feeling close.