How to make husband feel important post-kids

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Me & DH are childhood sweethearts and still going strong in our late 20s. We have two DC, DD age 3 and DS age 9 months.

On the whole our relationship is good and we are a great team. But recently DH has been saying that he sometimes feels a bit uncared for and that we have become distant since DS was born.

He feels that I put my all into being a mum and that it leaves no energy and effort for him. That there isn't the closeness and intimacy between us that there was before having kids. He's overwhelmed by the intensity of parenting and feels the need for a break.

Some of this I think is that sex is much less frequent than it was previously - I'm still breastfeeding and it's affecting my sex drive.

But I do think there's more to it than the sex. I want to find other ways that I can make him feel important, loved and close.

Interested in what others have found good for their relationships with young DCs?

If you are suffering from a lowered sex drive at the mo, you could try other ways of being intimate.
Or cook his favourite food, buy him tickets to see his favourite team or give him the latest gaming gadget. That's if he's so childish that he needs to be compensated like a six year old.

Or you could look at how he makes you feel special and take your lead from that.

He wants you to have sex with him more often, listen to him adoringly when he talks, and generally act like he is god's gift. If you can't fake the other bits, just the sex will be enough to stop him whining.

Op, you're getting a hard time here because your OP definitely sounded like your DH is making all of this YOUR problem. If that is the case, then yes, all these posts are completely fair - a relationship takes TWO people and you have to work equally hard and there is nothing more frustrating than a man who is whinging because he isn't getting enough sex when his wife is crazy busy looking after two children, touched out by two children (especially if one is breastfeeding) and exhausted from the physical and mental load.

For me, it was the mental load as much as anything else. When DC were small, DH was hands on and in fact a SAHD for a while. But I did ALL the thinking and planning and mental gymnastics. And as a result I was exhausted. If I did get to sit on the couch for a few hours, I had no interest in talking or cuddling because I just wanted to shut my brain off and I was a bit resentful that he could just swan around changing nappies, sure, but not constantly having a dialogue of 'what next' in his head.

I note that as the DC have got older and as DH has taken on more of the mental load, it's amazing how my feelings have changed....

I think "make husband feel important" is an unfortunate phrase to use on Mumsnet.
One friend (Mary) became very possessive with her Family, her house, her furnishing etc.
This was years ago when men in sales or marketing often had to work long hours driving hundreds of miles to see clients. Paul did hours in his company car. Earned a vey good salary inc bonus.

Mary said that was his job, finance the family to her satisfaction. which meant moving house every 2 years to get larger, so new furniture and costs.

That was an extreme case that led to alcohol and divorce.
We are all better at managing things now.

He wants more sex.

He also wants to grow the fuck up

@Celiamary

I think "make husband feel important" is an unfortunate phrase to use on Mumsnet. One friend (Mary) became very possessive with her Family, her house, her furnishing etc. This was years ago when men in sales or marketing often had to work long hours driving hundreds of miles to see clients. Paul did hours in his company car. Earned a vey good salary inc bonus. Mary said that was his job, finance the family to her satisfaction. which meant moving house every 2 years to get larger, so new furniture and costs. That was an extreme case that led to alcohol and divorce. We are all better at managing things now.

What the hell has Mary got to do with the OP?

You will have people queuing up to call your husband a baby, etc, and you can pretty much ignore them. It's easy to comment like that at a username on a forum. Retaining closeness between parents post children is a vital part of keeping a relationship strong, and it's worth investing in.

I do agree that if you can involve your husband more in everyday parenting, he may change his perspective somewhat. I'd also recommend something simple like making sure you have a chat every day about something that's not the children - whether it's in the morning, in bed before you go to sleep, or whatever. I don't think he necessarily wants to 'feel important', more like you are in it together as a family.

@babyjellyfish

OP, no one here knows the truth about your relationship and how your husband really is.

On the one hand, your husband needs to accept that things do change after you have kids, and that your lives will be very different from before. You just don't have the time, freedom or money to do all the things you would have done together as a childfree couple. The more he pulls his weight with the childcare and housework, the more time and energy you will have for him.

On the other hand, it is important to make time for yourselves as a couple after kids come along. Try to avoid falling into the trap of collapsing on the sofa watching TV or looking at your phones every evening once the kids are in bed. If you have dinner together after the kids are in bed, leave your phones somewhere else and actually talk to each other. Try to go to bed earlier, cuddle up together in bed and you will be emotionally and physically connecting even if you don't feel like having sex. But it will also make sex more likely.

Beyond sex, take the time out to do things together without the kids. Get a babysitter and go out for dinner every now and again. If your son is only 9 months old, are you still on maternity leave? If you are going back to work, once you've been back for a while and you have childcare sorted during the day, consider both of you taking a day off together once in a while to spend time together. My husband and I do this instead of getting each other birthday presents - both take the day off and go out for a long lunch together.

Kids change your life, there's no doubt about it, but you do need to have some time alone together to maintain your relationship, which is really important for your kids too.

This is a much better version of what I wanted to say!

Here, this 1950s article might have some useful tips www.primermagazine.com/2009/love/the-good-wifes-guide

Thanks for the link, @NippyWoowoo

@MangosteenSoda

It’s 99% sex with a dash of not really being arsed to take on his parental responsibilities.

It’s not fair that he is making this your problem to solve. Have a conversation about shared responsibilities re parenting and let him know you will likely ‘make him feel more special’ (aka have more sex) if you are less knackered.

There’s actually no advice to the specific question you asked because we all know that couples who care for and respect each other and pull their weight don’t ask their spouses to put them before their kids.

I think so.

If there is a problem, it's something both partners need to work at. Simply framing the issue as one needing to make the other feel better is inherently unreasonable.

I do think regular sex can be invaluable for keeping the show on the road, looking back at the little kids stage DH and I were always pretty happy with each other and I think a lot of that is because we made sure we kept having regular and fulfilling sex... but it isn't as simple as waving a magic wand. If he needs more breaks from parenting, practically how could that be achieved? Would it be better if they were to both have a half day a week free while the other holds the fort, is there scope to pay for some/more childcare to get some time together, what options might there be and how would this be done? If OP is too tired from bf for much sex, what could he do to alleviate this? It's a joint effort, both the thinking and the execution.

Sounds like he’s jealous of his own kids.

The first response was the right one. Your DH needs to grow up.

If he is genuinely spending a lot of time looking after you and making you feel loved and wanted look at what he is doing because he probably wants the same back.

The parenting is a job for both mum and dad not just mum.

So that means he has to do a bit more to help you feel less tired and more in the mood to do things which help him feel “important”

The ball is in his court really.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond.

I'm genuinely surprised about the tone of the responses as I thought struggling to connect in a relationship is a really common issue with young DC.

It has made me question my own perspective on it as my initial response to DH was 'be honest with me, is this all about the sex' (as this was my first instinct). He acted offended that I had even asked this. He said it was part of it but that there are loads more things I that he missed that made him feel close. I believed him but now I'm not sure as it seems this is the conclusion others came to as well.

In his words 'the family has gained a mother but lost a wife'. He says that I put 110% in to being a mum but don't take enough time and effort for both our relationship and for self-care.

He basically said my standards of myself as a mother are too high.

I'm completely exhausted and burnt out, and as a result not only do I have little interest in sex currently, but I feel like I can't even think straight to assess who is genuinely being unreasonable in this situation.

I just feel confused and now, having read the responses on this thread, also feel a bit helpless and pathetic!

And what are you other than a wife and mother? A person in her own right, do you ever get time for yourself? You aren't just defined through other people, and as your husband he should recognise that the way he can "get his wife back" isn't by giving you another problem to fix and things to do (ie it's all your responsibility), but to do enough parenting and wifework that you are able to have the space to be yourself again. Then he might get his wife back. But it's not your problem to fix, and its not defined by you not doing enough for HIM.

Has your family gained a father? You know, someone who mucks in, does their share, does 50% childcare and domestic chores when they're home.

I would personally find his comments offensive because he is reducing you to a role - mother, wife. Not a person. What about your needs? You're not just a malfunctioning wifebot, you know.

It sounds like you have very little left for you after you have finished parenting - which is normal at this stage. Why is he entitled to the last of your depleted resources?

When do you get to be you? Take a long bath, read a book, go shopping on your own, that sort of thing?

www.verywellmind.com/coping-with-stress-that-children-add-to-marriage-4121318#:~:text=Children%20add%20stress%20to%20a,in%20relationships%20that%20go%20stale.

It's really common.

He's overwhelmed by the intensity of parenting and feels the need for a break.

I think you need to look at this. What if your were overwhelmed and needed a break? Would he step up? Your young children don't have a choice, they're here now and they need to be prioritised. Why is your husband making it all about him? He sounds immature.

OP - Us vipers on MN can be a bit much! . I think it is right though to ask yourself, and him, what he thinks you can do as a COUPLE to make things better. Because it's all very well saying that you're too much focused on motherhood and therefore aren't being a good wife/woman etc, but how are you supposed to do that when you have this responsibility as a mother?

He says that I put 110% in to being a mum but don't take enough time and effort for both our relationship and for self-care.

This is the bit that worries me. Let's take self care as an example - I'm guessing perhaps you dress less well, wear less makeup/are less groomed, perhaps you've put on some weight. But how does he suggest you achieve more self care? Is he stepping up to take the DC so you have time to get this stuff done? Even more importantly, is he stepping up enough that it's not just about the time, but the willingness - in my early years with the DC, if I had 2 spare hours, the last thing I was doing was getting my hair done or giving myself a manicure, I was lying on a couch somewhere taking a nap.

It just reads very much like he expects you to be and do all the things you were BEFORE DC without taking into account that looking after two small people is a full time activity.

Ohhh that’s not a great update OP. You’re 100% NOT pathetic by the way - you’re a superhero (I struggle with 1 DD3 so god knows how you’re doing with a baby in the mix).

How much does he do around the house and with the children? As pp said if he’s complaining about the fact that you’re not as well turned out as you used to be or implying that you’re not making enough of an effort for him, I’d be reading him the riot act. How bloody dare he?!

He is still focused on it being your fault though isnt he.

What actually does he do? What is his parenting role? What is his role in the home? What does he do to make time for you both?

You sound like a very kind, attentive partner who is not just making new parenthood all about yourself and thinking he should just suck it up. While you have done the hard work physically, your partner has had life changes too and a lot of new dads can feel overwhelmed by it, yet can’t speak up as they just get disparaging, judgmental comments. I don’t think it’s about sex (at least not all), it’s about him (and you as a couple) finding his/your feet in this new stage. Find something you can do together with your baby, a nice lunch out or a walk etc, where he pushes the pram, changes nappy, gives the bottle etc, do bathtime together and let him take the lead. Then arrange a babysitter and have an adults only evening/afternoon.

Lots of people asking about the situation with what we each take responsibility for:

Him - works full time with occasional overtime, does maybe 25% of childcare when he's at home, gardening, DIY, car maintenance etc

Me - currently on Mat leave, most of the childcare, cleaning, cooking, meal planning, household admin and financial planning

I'm sure we will be slated for such an old-fashioned split of jobs

I'm due back from maternity leave soon so will be working 20 hours per week and I'm concerned about how exhausted I will be with that on top of everything else!

Also I think I possibly worded the 'self Care' wrong, as people seem to be interpreting it as keeping up with my appearance! What he actually meant was taking time for myself to relax and keep up with hobbies etc. basically I think he would rather I dropped my parenting standards slightly and took time for both myself and our relationship. I can't bring myself to do this as my DC are my world and I want to do my best for them, always.

It is also worth mentioning that on the whole we have a lovely and very healthy relationship

1. You are feeling overwhelmed and need a break, he needs to step up with the parenting.

1. What is he actually doing with regards to parenting right now? What are his current caring responsibilities?

1. If hes got time to think about how hes disconnected from you , he isnt caring for the kids enough.