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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he leaving me?

151 replies

emotionalpuddle · 03/04/2022 20:09

I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm going to be sick. I haven't eaten in days. I know there's been something off with my DP but he's been denying it for weeks. He isn't cheating but has admitted he's feeling down, but doesn't know why. After pushing he's told me that he thinks we're together for convenience, he loves me but doesn't know if he wants to be with me. We're supposed to be getting married. I feel like my world is being turned upside down and my heart is being ripped out. It's the fact he isn't making a decision, I want to marry this man and he's like a zombie floating from one day to the next. I don't know why I'm posting. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to 😭

OP posts:
gerryperry · 03/04/2022 20:37

Didn't want to read and run Thanks

Despite how he's feeling, he's treating you very unfairly and it's not on. I'm so sorry op. Sadly, I think you may need to make the decision and end it for your own sake. You have to think about you and wether you want to spend your life with some that's emotionally unavailable and makes you feel this way.

Didimum · 03/04/2022 21:15

What makes you sure he isn’t cheating?

Sleepytimebear · 03/04/2022 21:22

I know this is a huge shock but if the relationship isn't right it is much much better to end it before you marry. Divorce is tough and expensive. My Exh actually did something very similar and I had to end it when I'd had enough of him treating me like shit. He was having an affair but it was the way he treated me so badly that I couldn't handle. I know this is heartbreaking.

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 03/04/2022 22:00

Sorry OP this is so sad, please don't leave this for him to decide. Tell him he either wants the temp or doesn't don't wait for him to decide
❤️

user1480097724 · 03/04/2022 22:37

Flowers How awful xxx

Original poster
emotionalpuddle · 04/04/2022 06:15

@Didimum

What makes you sure he isn’t cheating?
He genuinely doesn't have the time, plus he works in an all male environment (only just gone back to the office) and barely has friends, the one he spends time with comes here before they go out (fishing) so not overly social hobby. I've asked him if he's spoken to anyone to make sense of how he feels. He hasn't. I've just been laid awake all night. He says he loves me but he just doesn't know... I just want him to snap out of this 😢
OP posts:
Original poster
emotionalpuddle · 04/04/2022 06:21

If it was my choice I'd stay, we'd carry on and get married and have kids. He has everything he wanted in life but nothing seems to be good enough? It's like he gets something new or a better wage and the excitement about it is gone as soon as he has it and he's back to being sad.

I just constantly feel like I'm going to be sick, I'm almost past crying constantly so that's something I guess. I can barely sleep. I just don't know what I'll do if he leaves me. I don't want to start again and it will kill me to see him with someone else when he moves on 😢

OP posts:
spotcheck · 04/04/2022 06:28

Sounds like he has some core issues to sort out.
I think when people have deep issues that need addressing ( and they don't address them) they focus on the things they CAN change- like a relationship.
Ultimately though, he's thrown a hand grenade into the relationship.

Wildflowerbeauty · 04/04/2022 07:13

He’s not being fair with you . It doesn’t sound like he is considering your feelings in this . Does he know how much this is affecting you. If so he should have some compassion instead of making this all about him . I’d give him some space and certainly not beg him . Show him you can move on . Spend some time with your friends , go out for walks without him , look nice , be strong. You deserve the best. Love yourself as well as him . When he sees your strength and your self care he won’t be able to take you for granted . I hope your ok x

whoturnedthesunoff · 04/04/2022 07:26

I know this must feel awful for you and I do think he's being a bit selfish

However - is it not better he is honest with you now ? Rather than go through the full wedding shenanigans ? He is recognising something is not right - for him
If this was a reverse we'd be saying don't marry someone you are not sure of
There is something here he is not sure of .
So sorry OP , please eat and drink a little
Keep talking to each other and encourage him to get help for his mental health

Original poster
emotionalpuddle · 04/04/2022 07:59

It makes sense the comment about changing the only thing he can. Sadly that's me. If he was just completely cold and I knew we were done, I don't know if that would be easier? But he still tells me he loves me, he doesn't want to hurt me. I sobbed so much the other night I was sick so he knows how much this is killing me. Sadly I'm not hiding it well... I've lost nearly 9lbs in one week, I can only assume due to stress.

I'm sorry if I'm waffling, I just needed to get my thoughts out there I guess. My hearts beating so hard it could pop out of my chest and now I need to go into the office and act like nothing is wrong.

OP posts:
JackieQueen · 04/04/2022 08:05

So sorry, Flowers

Wildflowerbeauty · 04/04/2022 10:18

Bless you but please remember this feeling is temporary in your life . Sounds ridiculous but it will all work it’s self out . He sounds to me like he wants you to pity him . You can still show support and love to him at the same time as loving and supporting yourself . I’d tell him I wouldn’t want to continue with someone who’s not sure if they want to be with me ! And then get on with your life so he witnesses that he needs to decide quick else you are gone . Hope this helps

Original poster
emotionalpuddle · 04/04/2022 23:58

Well I was wrong and foolishly trusted him. He's been out with a girl who started in the office 3 weeks ago tonight. Lied about it to my face. I hate myself. I just want to throw up. How could he do this to me!!

OP posts:
gingerhills · 05/04/2022 00:24

@emotionalpuddle

If it was my choice I'd stay, we'd carry on and get married and have kids. He has everything he wanted in life but nothing seems to be good enough? It's like he gets something new or a better wage and the excitement about it is gone as soon as he has it and he's back to being sad.

I just constantly feel like I'm going to be sick, I'm almost past crying constantly so that's something I guess. I can barely sleep. I just don't know what I'll do if he leaves me. I don't want to start again and it will kill me to see him with someone else when he moves on 😢

This concerns me. He sounds like a depressive type. New stuff excites him then he reverts.

Please don't hang in there to marry someone who feels this indifferent before the wedding. You'll spend your whole life feeling sick and worrying about how to please him and brighten his mood, which you'll never succeed at. And if/once you have children you will have way better things to focus on and he'll just be a burden you regret.

Suggest a separation. Try and be very open about your own needs. Tell him this isn't working as it is and if he wants you then he needs to get help for his depression and sort himself out and show you he cares.

Soupercat · 05/04/2022 00:30

How do you know?

Nelliephant1 · 05/04/2022 00:34

How did you find out and what exactly do you know? If you haven't spoken to him about it, try not to jump to the ultimate affair conclusion. Despite what's usually said on these boards, a situation like this can be innocent. 🤞🤞

OhSoStranger · 05/04/2022 00:36

Oh you poor thing Flowers

CandyLeBonBon · 05/04/2022 00:56

Ugh. I've been there. It's awful op but you do come out the other side. I'm so sorry. Thanks

Original poster
emotionalpuddle · 05/04/2022 02:52

I just feel like I'm too old to start again, the plan was marriage next year then kids. To start all over again seems impossible! And I knew something was up, our watches are linked so we can track each other. He forgets this all the time. I noticed an address he went to twice and it's the village she lives in. Low and behold checked his WhatsApp and she'd had a wonderful time, but did feel guilty because he'd only just broken up with me (which he hasn't) he told me he loves me only 12 hours before! Still trying to wriggle his way out of it saying it wasn't a date. I'm such an idiot 😭

OP posts:
WildPoinsettia · 05/04/2022 03:08

I'd reply to the WhatsApp message saying it's you the fiancée and he hasn't broken up with you. At least then the new woman knows what a lying scumbag he is.

You're not too old to start again but you need to grieve this relationship and heal from the lies etc first. He's treating you badly. Wants to split but doesn't want to be the "bad guy", so makes you feel shit enough you'll end it for him and he can play victim. What a loser. Sorry you're experiencing this OP Flowers Things will get better in time and you'll have a chance to meet someone who wants to be with you.

OhSoStranger · 05/04/2022 03:13

I agree with the PP, I'd tell her.

Monty27 · 05/04/2022 03:17

That's heartbreaking OP. What a shock. Could you take some time off work? Is there a family or friend somewhere that could come to be with you or you go there.
One thing to remember through it all is that you are now dealing with a stranger. Not the person you loved. They've vanished.
That used to help me.
Be kind to yourself 💐

Original poster
emotionalpuddle · 05/04/2022 03:56

I got her number and texted straight away, I was polite but basically advised I'd seen her messages and we haven't broken up. He told me he loved me this morning before work. I also advised I can't guarantee I won't be informing her bosses. They're very religious company and will take a dim view on this I'm sure! He may also lose his job. At this point I don't even know if I care... I don't understand how someone can end a 9 year relationship for someone they've known 3 weeks!! And he's saying he's been miserable for years, doesn't know what mood I'll be in when he comes home. All the usual blame the spouse none sense I'm sure. I can't sleep and I can't take time off work as everyone else is off with covid. I'm just a wreck. We were viewing wedding venues 4 weeks ago 😭

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 05/04/2022 04:43

Read The Script.
You need to dump him now.