Is he leaving me?

[emotionalpuddle]

I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm going to be sick. I haven't eaten in days. I know there's been something off with my DP but he's been denying it for weeks. He isn't cheating but has admitted he's feeling down, but doesn't know why. After pushing he's told me that he thinks we're together for convenience, he loves me but doesn't know if he wants to be with me. We're supposed to be getting married. I feel like my world is being turned upside down and my heart is being ripped out. It's the fact he isn't making a decision, I want to marry this man and he's like a zombie floating from one day to the next. I don't know why I'm posting. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to 😭

I really feel for you, he's treated you horribly. There is no way back from this now though, he's moved on from you emotionally, even if it doesn't work out with the new woman, there's no way back, he's checked out of your relationship.

Please just concentrate on yourself. It might not seem any consolation now but at least this happened before marriage and children. You will move on and have a happier life that you deserve.

This happened to me after two kids and 16 years of marriage. Thank your lucky stars he showed his colors now. I promise promise promise this is a gift in the long run and you will have such a better life with someone other than him as your partner. Cut him off swiftly.

I just worry now I won't be able to get married or have children. People will think I'm past that. Also, when the times right, how do you even meet people now? I can't online date, my younger friends have nightmares on there 😓 he left for work this morning without a word. I'm in pieces.

If you're biologically still young enough to have kids why would anybody think you're past it? You're not.

Ask him not to come home. Rip off the plaster and pack his bags.

There are hundreds of ways of meeting new people when you're ready.
Pubs, bars, work, hobbies.

It's really hard OP. I know, I've been there, but you can't stay with him, it will eat you alive and you will never trust him again.

Hooe you got some sleep.

They always say they've been miserable for years. It's cobblers.

Look, dump him. He's a creep. You will be fine. And so much happier in the long term.

He already said he isn't moving out. I think he expects me to go to my parents but until I'm bought out, buy him out or we sell... I'm going nowhere. I'm not taking this lying down! I've been reading up but it seems when you're not married the house is the only thing needing to be split? I'd like to keep the house as I love it and the area but doubt I could afford it on my own. And I'm 33, 34 this year, this is my worry with my biological clock

You're still young! Don't worry about starting a family.

It's better to start one late than with a cheat!

When I read your op, I was about to say Cherchez La Femme, and sadly he is following the time honoured script. So sorry - I have been there, it’s shit. Dump him, sell the house (if it’s half yours, don’t move out if you don’t want to), and be happy without the cheating scumbag - 34 is certainly not past it!

He is keeping you dangling for his convenience.
Ask him to move out while he decides.
Personally I’d make the decision myself, not do the ‘pick me’ dance.

I really feel for you OP, it's shit. You're still really young, you definitely aren't past it! Don't try and mend the relationship out of fear of not marrying or having kids - he's a cheat and you'd always be wondering when or if he'd do it again. You're worth more than that

@emotionalpuddle

I just worry now I won't be able to get married or have children. People will think I'm past that. Also, when the times right, how do you even meet people now? I can't online date, my younger friends have nightmares on there 😓 he left for work this morning without a word. I'm in pieces.

You will find someone else. Your biological clock isn’t a good enough reason to stay with somebody. Stay strong xx

Sorry to hear op. Sounds like he has grass is greener syndrome! But you're not too old, I was widowed at 35, I'm 40 this year and my new partner and I are trying for a baby. My gyno said I have at least 3 good years to ttc. Good luck, you're worth more than him

It's a joint mortgage so he can't force me to leave. My mums just called me and I broke down. She's told me not to go to work but there's no one else to cover I don't know what to do. I know I should just make the decision to cut him out but it's so hard. He's been my everything for so long. I'm starting to hate him so much. He's putting me through hell and I'll be darned if he paints me as the bad guy to make himself feel better.

I'm sorry op
But good job you found out quickly instead of weeks making excuses. He's not depressed or autistic ( they love that one on here) he's just an arsehole .

If you want to stay in your home until its sold then stay.
He's the cheat.
And tell everyone.
You've done nothing wrong, he should be seen for what he really is.

He’s not trying to end a nine year relationship at this point . He’s trying to have his affair whilst still being with you ! He’s only thinking of himself . He’s taking you for granted because he believes you will stay as he knows how much you love him . Now that you know the truth about what type of man your dealing with , do yourself proud and get rid . Someone else out there deserves your love , your caring nature and your time . You deserve the best and you’ll never find it in this man . You trusted him because you thought he was the same as you , trustworthy! He will regret it when he realises what he’s lost . Or you could stay and fight for him , compete with the other woman , constantly try to please him , lose your self respect, hold your head low and never trust him again . You deserve your love not him . Be proud of who you are , you’ve done nothing wrong x

Sorry , when I wrote my last post I had missed the last page of messages. Don’t worry about your biological clock . My friend was 35 when she cancelled her wedding to a man she adored but she had no choice as he was abusive . She was so worried about her biological clock . She met her husband a few years later and she had her first child at 39yrs old and 41yrs old . It’s a great age to have children . You are still young .

Thank you everyone you're really giving me the strength I need to see this through. He thinks I'm going to roll over well he's wrong, why should he get the house that I've worked so hard for. It might be hard but I can try. I don't want to live with family again this late in life. I can't imagine that would make dating easy i truly think he's going to regret this midlife crisis and I've already informed several people SIL included, she can't believe it either.

Well done you , and yes he will regret it .Because hes lost you . This is no midlife crisis tho , this is an example of him being the selfish arsehole he is . Doesn’t deserve you . Show him your strength and self worth even if you ain’t feeling it , yet .

Oh god I'm so, so sorry. Bloody men.

@emotionalpuddle

Thank you everyone you're really giving me the strength I need to see this through. He thinks I'm going to roll over well he's wrong, why should he get the house that I've worked so hard for. It might be hard but I can try. I don't want to live with family again this late in life. I can't imagine that would make dating easy i truly think he's going to regret this midlife crisis and I've already informed several people SIL included, she can't believe it either.

Good on you OP. Make sure people know the truth before he makes up his ridiculous lies and excuses to make you look like the bad guy.

What a selfish man, I just wonder why, hopefully the woman at work will ignore him.
Take care of yourself, try not to worry about your body clock x

Not likely, they're still messaging he's admitted that but is adamant they're just friends. I don't believe him. Managed to get a few hours tonight but then woke up with crippling thoughts so decided to go for a walk. Our home town is pretty scary in the dark apparently! Went out around 5am, partner either didn't notice or care but I feel better for the exercise. Must start trying to eat next.

Hi op I just want to say you will be okay in time. Look nothing can compare to shiny new attention from someone new to a weak ol fool. It’s no reflection on you, all him. She’s a bit irrelevant as she will have been fed a load of lies and might have boundary/self esteem issues (not an excuse) it’s not about you, they literally all say what he’s said. You could be the most beautiful attentive fascinating fucking person in the world and this could still happen. Happens to royalty, supermodels and pop singers.

All you can do is know from posters here who have been through exactly the same that you will be ok. Not tomorrow or next week but keep going, you are grieving a future, not really him but a future and when the worst of the grief subsided you’ll realise that the future came from you.

If you can, tell him to leave to live at hers. You can even be stupidly nice about it and say I’m glad you found happiness and good luck, and say live with her (which he should agree to since you are so awful! Ha)

With work, if you’re feeling too ill to do your job don’t go and see your mum? If you can, only you know if that’s doable.

Eat little - smoothies, soup, crisps. I know you’ll have no appetite but if you don’t eat you’ll feel more overwhelmed by your emotions and won’t sleep either. Keep hydrated and lay off caffeine a bit. Fresh air is good and when you get out for fresh air decide that it is a ‘mental break’ from thinking about it all, even if it’s 10-20 mins, this is important as your mind needs a break.

There is a good description I read years ago that helped me during similar circumstances- it’s the ball theory of grief. Will link in next post as sure going strange