Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he leaving me?

151 replies

emotionalpuddle · 03/04/2022 20:09

I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm going to be sick. I haven't eaten in days. I know there's been something off with my DP but he's been denying it for weeks. He isn't cheating but has admitted he's feeling down, but doesn't know why. After pushing he's told me that he thinks we're together for convenience, he loves me but doesn't know if he wants to be with me. We're supposed to be getting married. I feel like my world is being turned upside down and my heart is being ripped out. It's the fact he isn't making a decision, I want to marry this man and he's like a zombie floating from one day to the next. I don't know why I'm posting. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to 😭

OP posts:
Bodgerbarbara · 06/04/2022 12:34

He hates change does he. That’s laughable.

He’s just ripped yours apart. Tough, he has decided a 20 year old is for him and yours just supposed to suck it up? No. I can’t tell you what to do but I’d suggest telling him you’ve told your family and they are staying to support you. It’s just tough isn’t it. Tell him you need time to yourself after this revelation. Why are you letting him call the shots? Is he controlling?

Bodgerbarbara · 06/04/2022 12:35

Also trust me the feelings will calm down. You’re only human and it’s all normal. Horrendous but normal and proof that you are decent loving person unlike him. Be glad of that.

Bookworm20 · 06/04/2022 14:39

He is adamant he isn’t leaving?
Tough shit. He needs to own this.
So what if he doesn’t like change, wtf.

No way does he get this choice.
Move his stuff out, get your family over and bloody MAKE him leave.
His entitlement is beyond belief!

He can sleep in his car. He made his bed he can damn well bugger off and lie in it.

He hasn’t even stopped messaging her.

If he’s still refusing, make life as hard as absolutely possible for him. When he’s at work take all his stuff to his parents house or his sisters. Anything. Don’t make him make you leave, you’ve done nothing wrong!

emotionalpuddle · 06/04/2022 19:05

I wouldn't say controlling but wants things a certain way. He used to be amazing. The love of my life. I don't even recognise him now. I've spoken to family who have agreed to help me buy him out, just need to figure out how to get that ball rolling? I haven't told his family yet, his mother will hit the roof. I hoped he'd change his mind but as he hasn't come home from work I suspect he's out with her again. We're done. We need to start discussing how and when he's leaving.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 06/04/2022 19:30

Call his mom. Tell her. She'll kick his arse and make sure he makes the process as easy as possible for you.

billy1966 · 06/04/2022 20:38

@girlmom21

Call his mom. Tell her. She'll kick his arse and make sure he makes the process as easy as possible for you.
This. Stick a key in the door and don't let him in.

I know, i know, people will say it's his house too.
I wouldn't give a damn. Lock him out.

Gather his shit together and throw a bag out to him and tell him go home to his mother....tell him she's expecting him.....and his 20 year old girlfriend.

He's a sleaze.

Tell his work.

You owe him NOTHING.

emotionalpuddle · 07/04/2022 06:43

I managed to sleep through last night. Still haven't eaten but will try something today I think. I'm feeling stronger.

Last night he didn't come home for ages and admitted he went for a drive with her, keeps telling me they're just friends. I didn't ask where he'd been but I knew.

Told him I've sought advice and I have the backing to buy him out. He seemed shocked and said he wasn't leaving so said "well that's awkward as by law we can't force each other out so looks like we're living together. But that will be awkward for you when I start bringing dates back 🤷🏼‍♀️". He seems shocked I'm moving on and not willing to wait around forever for him to decide! Still said he's thinking about it.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/04/2022 07:56

Tell his family, tell his job.

He's trying to bully you with threats to bring her back.

They are only friends but he's talking about it being awkward for you when he brings her back?

He's lying sleaze.

The sooner you play dirty the better.

Start with his mother and contact work.

He's having an affair with a very young 20 year old colleague.

He's also trying to force you our of YOUR home with threats of bringing her back to YOUR home.

Spell it out.

He should have a problem with this as he has told those are his intentions.

Stay strong.

This is over.

Now it's about your home and who gets it.

He's expecting you to roll over and take any shit.

Dry your tears and focus on getting him out by fair means or foul.

You owe him nothing.

Any loyalty at this point is going to cost YOU dearly.
Flowers

emotionalpuddle · 07/04/2022 08:35

@billy1966

Tell his family, tell his job.

He's trying to bully you with threats to bring her back.

They are only friends but he's talking about it being awkward for you when he brings her back?

He's lying sleaze.

The sooner you play dirty the better.

Start with his mother and contact work.

He's having an affair with a very young 20 year old colleague.

He's also trying to force you our of YOUR home with threats of bringing her back to YOUR home.

Spell it out.

He should have a problem with this as he has told those are his intentions.

Stay strong.

This is over.

Now it's about your home and who gets it.

He's expecting you to roll over and take any shit.

Dry your tears and focus on getting him out by fair means or foul.

You owe him nothing.

Any loyalty at this point is going to cost YOU dearly.
Flowers

Sorry it was me. I said it will be awkward for him when I start dating and bring someone back. He said that's not happening and I said he has no say in my life now. It wasn't him that said he'd bring someone around! His face was a picture though. I think he thought I'd just stay and wait..
OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/04/2022 08:59

Oh that's ok then🤣.

I read that as all he said.

The rest stands though.....you owe hi
m nothing👍.

Definitely try and eat today.Flowers

emotionalpuddle · 07/04/2022 09:04

My plan today so far is to book in for a leg wax, join the gym. I'm shopping with a friend tonight and planning on buying something nice to hit the town in Friday night I think! As long as I don't crash before then.. I haven't been out out in 7 years... Blush

I can't wait around. I need to get my life moving.

OP posts:
Bodgerbarbara · 07/04/2022 09:17

You’re brilliant op!!!

Keep saying the same thing to him - say you’re buying him out, family are coming to stay and that he needs to get out by a deadline. He doesn’t get to drop a massive life changing revelation with no consequence.

Stay tough on this, you’ll thank yourself later.

He went for a drive with her. Oh lovely is he 16? Also showing no regard again for you. Instead of drives with her he should be packing his stuff that he needs.

Do all the nice stuff for yourself and be unflustered it will spook him so much. Focus completely on you now.

Bodgerbarbara · 07/04/2022 09:18

Also glad you got sleep - please eat soup fruit anything - keep hydrated. Rooting for you Brew Flowers

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/04/2022 09:26

Bravo OP. Stay strong.

A 20 year old girl who lives with her parents - he’s pathetic.

Perhaps a family member could move in with you?

HazelBite · 07/04/2022 09:27

OP you are not too old to start over, there are plenty of men out there who want the same as you, to settle down and build a family (I know I'm a Mum to 2 of them!)
You are worth so much more than to stay with this specimen whilst he makes his mind up, get out there and enjoy life and thank your lucky stars that you found all this out now and not 2 dc's down the road!

RoisinD · 07/04/2022 09:35

Go for it. You show him you are not going to wait around while he plays his games. Well done you.

Bookworm20 · 07/04/2022 12:42

You go girl!
Stay strong. Be proud.

He’s still thinking? What entitled twat.
He thinks a lot of himself doesn’t he.

Definitely tell his mum and tell her to be expecting him as you can’t stand to look at him.

Just an aside though, go out Friday, have a great time, but don’t do anything you may regret. Keep your self worth as you are doing so so well.
You’re a million times better than the person he is.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/04/2022 12:51

Sorry OP that he's been a twat.

Ultimately he does co-own the house. He can't force you to leave, and vice versa, except by "forcing" a sale.

You need to act carefully here because legally forcing a sale will cost much more than if you can "persuade" him to move out of his own accord.

So, do not:
*Act aggressively or threateningly toward him - he could call the police and potentially you could be removed from the house.
*Lock him out - he has a legal right to reside there and if you change the locks he can ask police to assist him in gaining entry. Costing you an emergency locksmith callout.
*Tell his work - you'll look like "the crazy ex" and realistically unless he's shit at his job and are looking for an excuse to sack him, they won't care. New woman has only just joined so they're going to be more concerned about retaining him than someone still working their probation. Also, he hasn't done anything which would constitute grounds for dismissal.
*Invite random men round to "rub it in his face" or try to make him jealous. Totally unfair on said randoms and you risk antagonising him to the point where he'll deliberately dig his heels in on leaving the house.

Do:
*Immediately stop any household chores you do which aren't for your sole benefit. Cook, clean and launder only for yourself. If he says "I'm getting a takeout, want some?" you say "no thanks" and get your own.
*Stop sleeping in the same bed (if you still are). Separate your things so you don't have to go into "his" room to get dressed, and vice versa.
*Invite friends and family round to socialise, and feel free to monopolise the living room, kitchen, etc.
*Don't facilitate his life in any way - for example if you normally remind him about mothers day etc, stop doing it. Don't give him a lift anywhere. Don't lend him money.
*Carry on your life as calmly and sensibly as you can. Don't let him see you crying or raging. Be like a swan - all beautiful and serene on the surface, legs thrashing away like mad below the surface!
*See a solicitor so you know exactly what the options are if he won't play ball with you buying him out. This way, when he starts trying to bullshit you with "Actually by law you have to leave because I said so" you can tell him to bugger off.
*Tell everyone and anyone you like what is happening. Don't assassinate his character to his family but be factual. Save your hurt feelings and anger for your friends who will have your back.

Hope some of this helps. MN is a wonderful resource but you also need real life, practical support. You will be okay Flowers

GoodSoup · 07/04/2022 13:05

So essentially he wants to have an affair right under your nose whilst keeping you hanging around while he makes a decision. And he can’t understand why you might not want to do that?

layladomino · 07/04/2022 13:09

You are brilliant OP.

Stay strong. Don't wait around for him to change his mind and deign to choose you. Tell you he has no choice. You are no longer an option. You've seen him for who he really is and you don't like it. You wouldn't want him back.

And enjoy making some time for you. Enjoy the pampering and the night out. Have some fun. Hopefully you can buy him out. He will live to regret his stupidity but that's his problem. You won't be thinking of him by then as you'll be enjoying life too much.

newbiename · 07/04/2022 13:36

You sound brilliant. You've found the anger already. Hope you're able to get him out and sort everything out quickly. Also you're absolutely not too young to meet someone else and have kids if you want to.

Fireflygal · 07/04/2022 13:36

Op, you really are not too old and have much to look forward to. It is definitely him, not you. Have you read The Script?

He is an idiot, probadly enjoying the attention of a 20 year old who is in awe that the older man likes her. If she was my daughter I would be warning her off. Did she respond to your message?

Re the house. If you get a reasonable deal, that you can afford, then email him to suggests he does the same. Suggest a time limit so that the matter doesn't go on. Is it likely he can also buy you out? Put it in writing as if this goes legal formal communications will help.

Other consideration is furniture. Make a spreadsheet with two columns,suggestions for you to have and him to take.

Once he realises he has to work, have hobbies and sort out his housing he might realise how little time he has to date.

He may try to come back however once you have started a smear campaign it suggests he is too far down the road. I would tell his mother, not from a malicious point of view but to acknowledge you may not be in her life for much longer.

Shinyandnew1 · 07/04/2022 13:47

I said it will be awkward for him when I start dating and bring someone back. He said that's not happening

What a knob!

Bodgerbarbara · 07/04/2022 14:48

Hi @emotionalpuddle how are you today? I think you’re brilliant Flowers just to say thinking of you and stay strong. Hope you have a good night out if you don’t update before then.

emotionalpuddle · 07/04/2022 14:51

Thank you everyone! Full leg wax done (was more than the leg in my opinion Blush) accidentally put it on his account. Never mind Grin

No she didn't reply. She messaged him to say I'd messaged her and she hasn't responded. If she did we could actually talk and I'd let her know that he'll be going as he came. With nothing... and that he keeps telling me she's just a friend and he has zero intentions of dating her... and if she thinks it was a date she's mistaken... I just want to tell her parents but don't want to do anything to fan the flames..

I want to remain in a position where I have the moral high ground. I won't be damaging anything or putting myself in a compromising situation. He did this. He can take responsibility. If I do go out Friday I'll be having one or two and staying away from the opposite sex. Don't worry Halo I don't want to give him ammunition. He's already annoyed (sorry if this is TMI) that he's seen a sex toy by my bed Grin maybe he now feels replaced Grin

OP posts: