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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he leaving me?

151 replies

emotionalpuddle · 03/04/2022 20:09

I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm going to be sick. I haven't eaten in days. I know there's been something off with my DP but he's been denying it for weeks. He isn't cheating but has admitted he's feeling down, but doesn't know why. After pushing he's told me that he thinks we're together for convenience, he loves me but doesn't know if he wants to be with me. We're supposed to be getting married. I feel like my world is being turned upside down and my heart is being ripped out. It's the fact he isn't making a decision, I want to marry this man and he's like a zombie floating from one day to the next. I don't know why I'm posting. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to 😭

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/04/2022 14:57

You are well rid of him.

Be glad you didn't marry this waster.Flowers

Wildflowerbeauty · 07/04/2022 17:07

I wouldn’t be waiting for him to choose ! Choose who he wants out of you or her ? Get rid . You do the choosing. Tell her she’s done you a favour and wish her luck with him , you deserve sooo much better than him , go out and enjoy yourself but don’t forget there’s no instant fix , this will take you some huge strength , time and heart ache but you’ll look back and be so proud of yourself . Or , you could wait for him to make his mind up , give him the choice to pick and if he picks you , live in a life you’ll never be able to trust him , no self respect, and with no self boundaries !!

Bodgerbarbara · 07/04/2022 21:56

When is he leaving then the silly fool

Original poster
emotionalpuddle · 07/04/2022 23:47

I was doing really well today, went to the beauticians, bought myself some treats, went to the pub and got complimented multiple times by a 21 years old, just banter I'm sure. Then came home and he arrived straight after. Acted as though nothing was wrong in front of his friend and then once he'd left proceeded to give me the cold shoulder, be cruel, I said if he doesn't want to be near me he needs to think about moving out.. to which he replied he's sick of hearing me. I'm not sat in bed. In floods of years. How can he be so cold after all this time. It's going to be a long hard year.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 08/04/2022 00:19

Acted as though nothing was wrong in front of his friend

This is so cruel and manipulative. It's however very common. He has to see you as a bad person to allow himself to walk away.Its dehumanising but that allows him to have no empathy for you.

I wish recovery could be sped up but it's a process that takes time.

KELLOGSspeck · 08/04/2022 00:54

My heart breaks for you I have read all your posts and was shocked when you now have realised who he really is. Heartbreak is horrendous for the sake of your own sanity do you not want to leave the house just for a few days... I think he's cruel and shameless and you shouldn't have to be the one to pack a bag. You have to look after yourself though Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2022 01:15

You're going to have to do something to break this stalemate over the house so you can truly move on. See a solicitor, take the deeds and mortgage papers. You cannot force him to accept your buy out offer, but in most cases you can force the sale of a jointly owned house through the courts. Maybe if you threaten him with a forced sale he'll be more amenable to your buy out offer. But either way, you can't go on like this for months waiting the other person out.

Theredwoman555 · 08/04/2022 02:07

I really feel for what you are going through.

But remember to not take it out on her and take the high road. Threatening her with her employees is uncalled for. And why would you contact her parents??? That makes you sound childish yourself. She is young and naive. You need to behave like a grown woman.

Original poster
emotionalpuddle · 08/04/2022 06:08

@Theredwoman555

I really feel for what you are going through.

But remember to not take it out on her and take the high road. Threatening her with her employees is uncalled for. And why would you contact her parents??? That makes you sound childish yourself. She is young and naive. You need to behave like a grown woman.

I would contact her employer because she is still on probation and it's a highly religious company who will take a dim view on their deceit. And if it was my child I'd want to know she's assisted in the destruction of a relationship so I could advise her better. I won't do any of this, however, I'm sure once his mother knows, she will... which will look even worse for him.
OP posts:
Ineedhelp12 · 08/04/2022 08:01

As hard as it is she didn't assist in the destruction of the relationship. It was your partner that is solely to blame. I have been through it myself and honestly he had already checked out if not in the process of checking out long before she came along. The best thing you can do is try to get your life back together, move on and heal from this. I know its hard and right now you just want someone else to feel the hurt that you are feeling. Its not going to bring him back and you are worth more than that.

girlmom21 · 08/04/2022 08:47

Telling work or her parents is completely inappropriate

LoekMa · 08/04/2022 10:20

Its understandable you are hurt. Weaponising her employers religious views ( you never mentioned that YOU were religious) to "get her in trouble at work" might just backfire.

It will 10000% ruin any chance of reconciliation you might have had with your Ex, since he has seen how vindictive you can be.
But then again, what more can you do than possibly get her fired from this job? Shes 20, 13 years younger than you. She will have many other opportunities to climb the ladder in her work life, or do you plan on hunting her down and telling all future employers?

Just deal with the anger right now inside you, lashing out wont help you in any way.
Also telling him you will be bringing guys home is just low class. You cheapen yourself more than you could hurt him. I understand you are trying to get a reaction out of him because ANY rection would mean he cares, but he doesn't. And that is the reality you need to come to terms with

Sonaftersonafterson · 08/04/2022 11:07

Don't be so sure there's no one else. Even the busiest man in the world has time for an affair, even if just online, believe me.

Theredwoman555 · 08/04/2022 12:58

If you are religious. Take this as a sign from God that he is helping you out and run for the hills! You aren’t tied in by marriage and children. Find someone better.

I tried the revenge route with an ex. All it did was make me feel and look stupid to him. When another cheated while working away, I didn’t react. Just left with my dignity intact and never showed he hurt me. That gave me more power and confidence. Good luck.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2022 16:56

Listen, instead of trying to distract yourself with notions/plans for 'revenge' against this girl and your STBX, please redirect at that energy towards getting yourself to a solicitor and making plans to protect yourself as far as the house is concerned.

If you are spiritual/religious remember this: "Avenge not yourselves, beloved, but give place unto the wrath of God: for it is written, Vengeance belongeth unto me; I will recompense, saith the Lord." Romans12:19

Original poster
emotionalpuddle · 08/04/2022 20:58

I need to point out a few things. I said I was tempted. Not that I would. I want the moral high ground which I believe I've already said.

I'm not religious, the company is. They're not happy we're living together and not married. It almost cost him his promotion (possibly why he proposed). So when we break up 'officially as he has told no one' and he makes her public or gets caught they will dismiss one or the other as it is in their contracts they cannot have work place relations or work with spouses and will be made to leave. Company policy. Nothing to do with me.

At this point I have the backing and capability to buy him out. He wants to stay but can't afford to buy me out. Stalemate at this point.

OP posts:
5128gap · 08/04/2022 22:24

OP, I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you're a bit in denial. You think the fact that he's still there is a sign he might choose to stay with you. You are looking for signs he cares, like about the sex toy, and extrapolating feelings from that. You are going out on the town to show him and focus him on what he's losing. This is delaying your acceptance and action.
From the outside, I think he is still there because he has no choice, not because he's undecided. Seeing a sex toy beside the bed probably just surprised him, and made him think you were trying to get a reaction. He likely doesn't much care at present whether you go out or not. All his thoughts will be with the woman with whom he is so infatuated he chose her after 3 weeks. I doubt that will always be the case, but right now, and until its out of his system, it is.
If at all possible you need to be apart. If he won't leave, you should. See a solicitor who will advise on how to protect your rights to the house. Leaving it temporarily won't mean you can't go back, and it would be so much better for you to get some distance from him.

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/04/2022 09:53

You really need him out of the house asap or you’re not going to move on from this. You need to sit down and devise a plan to buy him out of whatever and present him with an offer. This all seems like games at the moment and it won’t do you any good in the long run.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/04/2022 13:04

@emotionalpuddle

I need to point out a few things. I said I was tempted. Not that I would. I want the moral high ground which I believe I've already said.

I'm not religious, the company is. They're not happy we're living together and not married. It almost cost him his promotion (possibly why he proposed). So when we break up 'officially as he has told no one' and he makes her public or gets caught they will dismiss one or the other as it is in their contracts they cannot have work place relations or work with spouses and will be made to leave. Company policy. Nothing to do with me.

At this point I have the backing and capability to buy him out. He wants to stay but can't afford to buy me out. Stalemate at this point.

So see a solicitor about breaking the stalemate. There are ways to encourage him him leave and a solicitor is the best person to help you strategise.
Dairymilk50 · 09/04/2022 13:34

*believe I've already said.

I'm not religious, the company is. They're not happy we're living together and not married*

Sorry OP are you and your ex partner from different cultures?

In the kindest way... and gentlest way I don't imagine the company give a hoot who is married and who is not. Why would they?

AcrossthePond55 · 09/04/2022 20:05

@Dairymilk50

*believe I've already said.

I'm not religious, the company is. They're not happy we're living together and not married*

Sorry OP are you and your ex partner from different cultures?

In the kindest way... and gentlest way I don't imagine the company give a hoot who is married and who is not. Why would they?

Many religious based organizations expect their employees to live by the organization's/denomination's 'moral code' and make them known as a condition of employment. If you don't agree, you don't get hired. It's probably much more common here (US) since we are a much less secular society than the UK but I suppose certain organizations in the UK would expect it, too.

Hiring conditions are one thing. Whether or not you could be fired for violating them is another thing IF it violates equal protection/rights laws.

Dairymilk50 · 10/04/2022 18:25

@AcrossthePond55 it's not just religion its the been MARRIED... anyway perhaps I'm wrong I have never heard anything like it tbh. I'm in UK that you have to be married in order to get the job? Maybe someone will be along to share their experiences of this too.

JenniferPlantain · 11/04/2022 12:07

How was your weekend OP? Hope you're doing okay.

Wildflowerbeauty · 11/04/2022 16:40

Hope you are ok x

5128gap · 11/04/2022 16:48

[quote Dairymilk50]@AcrossthePond55 it's not just religion its the been MARRIED... anyway perhaps I'm wrong I have never heard anything like it tbh. I'm in UK that you have to be married in order to get the job? Maybe someone will be along to share their experiences of this too.[/quote]
I believe it would be illegal in the UK, given its against employment law to discriminate on the grounds of marital status. Of course if an employer desperately wanted to dismiss someone for not being married, I'm sure they'd be able to come up with some other reason to try get rid of them, so their work life would become very unpleasant.