Is he leaving me?

[emotionalpuddle]

I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm going to be sick. I haven't eaten in days. I know there's been something off with my DP but he's been denying it for weeks. He isn't cheating but has admitted he's feeling down, but doesn't know why. After pushing he's told me that he thinks we're together for convenience, he loves me but doesn't know if he wants to be with me. We're supposed to be getting married. I feel like my world is being turned upside down and my heart is being ripped out. It's the fact he isn't making a decision, I want to marry this man and he's like a zombie floating from one day to the next. I don't know why I'm posting. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to 😭

*do see mum I mean

www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/ Sorry it’s a bit grim topic but the theory helped me enormously

Its very conmon for a man to behave this way when he wants to break up, but is too cowardly and spineless to come out and say it. This behaviour is a massive red flag and women should be aware of it. Most men hate confrontation so act this way hoping their partner will be the one to say they' ve had enough, they' re done.
It happened to me when l was much younger, he put me through absolute hell, and then l saw him holding hands with another girl on his lunch hour in town. He might of well stabbed me through the heart.
l really feel for you OP, l can imagine you are heartbroken and devastated, my ex never settled down with anyone in the end, its been over 30 yrs now and he moved away and had relationships, but never married , no children, some men just arent the settling down type. You will go on to find a much truer love, don' t think this is it, this is a chapter in your life, and one bad chapter doesnt make a bad book.
" Getting past your breakup" a book by Susan Elliott is a very helpful book when going through a really difficult time.
Also Tyler Perry on youtube gives a lovely speach about people coming into your life for a reason or season, very wise soothing words.

Speech.

@Bodgerbarbara

Hi op I just want to say you will be okay in time. Look nothing can compare to shiny new attention from someone new to a weak ol fool. It’s no reflection on you, all him. She’s a bit irrelevant as she will have been fed a load of lies and might have boundary/self esteem issues (not an excuse) it’s not about you, they literally all say what he’s said. You could be the most beautiful attentive fascinating fucking person in the world and this could still happen. Happens to royalty, supermodels and pop singers.

All you can do is know from posters here who have been through exactly the same that you will be ok. Not tomorrow or next week but keep going, you are grieving a future, not really him but a future and when the worst of the grief subsided you’ll realise that the future came from you.

If you can, tell him to leave to live at hers. You can even be stupidly nice about it and say I’m glad you found happiness and good luck, and say live with her (which he should agree to since you are so awful! Ha)

With work, if you’re feeling too ill to do your job don’t go and see your mum? If you can, only you know if that’s doable.

Eat little - smoothies, soup, crisps. I know you’ll have no appetite but if you don’t eat you’ll feel more overwhelmed by your emotions and won’t sleep either. Keep hydrated and lay off caffeine a bit. Fresh air is good and when you get out for fresh air decide that it is a ‘mental break’ from thinking about it all, even if it’s 10-20 mins, this is important as your mind needs a break.

There is a good description I read years ago that helped me during similar circumstances- it’s the ball theory of grief. Will link in next post as sure going strange

Thank you. He's refused to leave the house and he couldn't move in with her, she's 20 and lives with her parents. This is her first 'proper job' can you believe it. He's sleeping on the sofa but I'm finding that hard as I can smell him when I sit on the sofa which is making me feel sick.

He keeps saying he needs time to think and that's killing me, I know I should leave him but I do love him. I'm being foolish and a doormat which is making the situation worse. I'm sat in the living room, tv on but not watching it, shaking feeling sick, wondering what to do... I'm going to see a friend after 12:00 but that feels like such a long way away. I feel like my life is over. Like he's pushing me away and dangling a carrot. What a fool.

@emotionalpuddle I don't usually wade in on relationship stuff too much but your posts resonated with me greatly.

I got divorced at 35/36 (2 years ago) after 10 years, and my middle aged, sexually incontinent husband thinking he would be better off with a 20 year old from work. It was crippling and I spent about 6 weeks feeling like I was dying inside.

And then I realised what an escape I had - thank your lucky stars you didn't get married. Do not leave the house.

I think places like MN can be a bit skewed as people come and post in dire circumstances, but there are decent men/women out there who have no intention of behaving and treating people like this. People just don't tend to post about their normal happy lives... !

On reflection I had spent my whole dating 'life' with men who followed to a greater or lesser extent the behavior of my EXH. Arrogance and narcissism masked as confidence etc, and selfishness blamed on me for being unreasonable etc. I spent 2 years prior to separation having my confidence and self worth eroded to nothing, while he lied and cheated and messed around with someone barely older than his own child. I could list incidents of betrayal that would make your toes curl.

I am now two years on. I bought him out of the house - get a good financial advisor and see what you might be able to achieve - don't just write it off and don't take any notice of anything he says. Do not trust him to hold promises or agreements. You can get agreements lodged with a solicitor even though you're not married.

My life is infinitely better than it has been in years. I met somebody else, and although we don't want children, he is like nobody else I have ever met, and to a degree it's bittersweet as he has shown me time and time again that good people do exist. But new relationship aside, my confidence is back, I no longer feel worthless and like i'm the last consideration, I feel like a physical load has been removed from my shoulders and chest to the point that I can barely believe I allowed myself to be worn down and emotionally abused in that way for so long. But that's hindsight, and you'll get there.

I know it's painful now, but you will get over this. He is not worth your tears and efforts as he has no respect for you or your feelings. Your 30's is nothing. Draw a line and move on.

OP you will never trust this man again, get out while you can!

I would tell him to go and do his thinking elsewhere as you do not need to think about anything, the relationship is over!

I would say he doesn't get time to think. He made the decision when he went on that date. Is there any way you can agree that he has the living room for now and you have the bedroom? I agree with you that I wouldn't move out but I would get the house on the market immediately. It can take a few months for a sale to get through.

Things will get better. What you say about his character isn't something that you'd want to put up with long-term.

You may love him OP, but he certainly doesn't love you.

That is very hard to accept but it is the truth.

You may desperately wish for him to come to his "senses" but reality is, that this is his senses.

He doesn't love you.

If you stay with him and are foolish enough to somehow marry him and have children, it will only be because you are second best and it is convenient.

He will betray you again, of that you can be sure.

You will never have any peace with him because he will ALWAYS have one eye on the door.

Bravery now will save YOU years of bitter regret.

Focus on your finances.

If you can keep the house, with a lodger perhaps? Then do it.

Tell him you will go to his job, if you think it will get him out of the house.

He's a complete sleaze picking up with a 20 year old.

Harden your heart.
Protect yourself.
Tell everyone.
Play dirty if necessary.
Make it clear he is NOT getting the house.

Absolutely tell their work!
Bastards.

I know you're all right and I'm being a fool. I just can't believe this is happening. Before this I'd never have thought he could do this, he's always been loving and done everything for us, he has a lot of hobbies so doesn't have a lot of time some days but.. I never thought he'd do this. I think as long as he's talking to her it is over. But I don't want him to get the house. I'll be damned if he thinks she's living here! I have family that could probably help me buy him out as I couldn't afford to on my own.

I'm making myself ill while he carries on, I'm crying less but dark thoughts seem to be my current battle.

If you stay with this cheating, lying shitbag, it will be the biggest mistake of your life. FFS, want better for yourself than this.

No op. How dare he.

He has made a decision so he goes. Please do not let him stay as he has betrayed you and lied and letting him stay dangling carrots (which is all about him by the way) will damage you.

Can you ask family members to tell him to leave and they can say they are coming to stay to look after you even if it’s a lie? He needs to go.

@JengaCupboard lovely post

Op no one thinks you’re a fool. No one.

You’re in shock. We don’t know this man, only the facts told you you. We have no emotions in this.

You will be grieving and in shock so be easy on yourself and know that our comments are coming from processed pain not the immediate raw pain you feel. You will get better though but one of the most important things you need is space away from him ie he goes. It’s tough if he doesn’t like it, he cheated!

So sorry you are going through this OP.
Tell his work, if you say they are a religious company this will not look good for him. Plus if he loses his job, he can't keep the house can he?

I know you say you love him. But you love the person you thought he was. He isn't that person anymore and never will be to you again, You'll never be able to trust him.

He doesn't even sound like he cares how hurt you are.

Grieve for who he was. But be bloody thankful you didn't marry him.

Get support from your family and friends, try and buy him out and then clear all trace of him from your life. You are young, you have so much ahead of you. You'll be ok. However hard that feels right now, you will be ok.

@Bodgerbarbara

No op. How dare he.

He has made a decision so he goes. Please do not let him stay as he has betrayed you and lied and letting him stay dangling carrots (which is all about him by the way) will damage you.

Can you ask family members to tell him to leave and they can say they are coming to stay to look after you even if it’s a lie? He needs to go.

And this.

He has to leave. Can you ask family to come over and demand he leaves?
He should be doing everything in his power to try and lesson your hurt. he is still just thinking of himself.

Or throw his stuff out front and lock him out. He needs to go. He can get a hotel or something. Legally yes, he has a right to stay there. Morally though, No.

Find your anger and let him have the full force of it.

I’m not sure about the advice telling his work, just focus on yourself for now and telling him to go.

@Bookworm20 agree, tell him family are coming to look after you.

Oh no @emotionalpuddle
He’s the fool.
You are still you.
Wishing you all the very best

@emotionalpuddle I am so, so sorry. Sadly, as soon as I read your first post I was certain there was someone else involved. It's literally word for word what happened with my husband. He was exactly the same - all sad, said he loved me, just 'didnt know why he was unhappy', didn't know what he wanted etc. His head had been turned.

Don't be me. I was heartbroken like you, I couldn't eat, spent every day at home crying, lost so much weight. I was determined I'd save my marriage and keep my husband. It's embarrassing now, looking back. A few months later I caught him doing something else to break my trust. Again, I stayed. I'm nearly 3 years down the line now and finally decided it's over. I can't look at him the same, I've tried to make it work but I've lost all respect for him and all respect for myself. He's desperate to stay together and says he'll do anything but there's literally nothing he can do to make me feel differently. I'm not even sure I love him any more.

Starting again is scary, I'm 36 and I'm terrified. But trust me it'll be better than a lifetime of wondering why you weren't enough and wondering how long it'll be until his head is turned by someone again. You are worth way more than that, and you ARE enough. It hurts like hell right now, I've been where you are but I promise it does get easier

OP I just want to say, a very similar thing happened to me 5 years ago.
7 year relationship, joint mortgage, wedding booked for 6 months later. Had actually been to see the wedding planner the week before & booked honeymoon, photographer etc all his idea.
I thought my life was over, I lost tons of weight, he messed me around for a few days changing his mind back & forth before finally saying it was over & he didn't love me anymore. Everyone was gobsmacked, I honestly had no idea & still to this day can't look back & see any signs.
Anyway 5 years later, I'm engaged, joint mortgage & 2 kids with someone else.
I also thought it was too late for me.
When other people would tell me their stories, I would think it wouldn't ever happen for me.
You deserve better. You will go through hell, but will come out the otherwise much stronger.

Can he go to his parents or a friend? Tell him you want to seperate and you'd like him to move out. If he refuses, you could threaten to tell his employer though I'd be a bit careful that you dint out yourself at risk of harm - ppl do lash out when cornered. He's showed you who he is. Please listen and move on from this. The trust is gone and you'll always be wondering where he is and what he's doing. Make no mistake, how's nit your friend in this and is most likely trying to work out how he can do you out of your home. As pp have said, get some good financial advice.You're still young, don't waste any more time on someone who treats you as an option rather than a priority

Just be glad that you only share a house with this man, bringing children into a relationship with no trust and someone who is not 100% committed would be a nightmare. Don’t worry about your biological clock, things can happen quickly and you have a good few years ahead of you anyway. I had my last baby at 37 and plenty have them older. Also, don’t be put off OLD, it’s not all bad! I found my husband on Tinder 11 months after leaving an awful 9 year relationship with an abusive, cheating twat. We’ve been together 8 years this year and have 2 children. I was 31 when I split with my ex so not much younger than you.

@Bodgerbarbara

www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box/ Sorry it’s a bit grim topic but the theory helped me enormously

This seems to perfectly outline how I'm feeling. I have moments where I'm fine, possibly not overly bothered if he isn't going to be around (this is a new feeling today!), then others the pain is crushing like my heart might explode. I've just weighed myself and I've lost 11 lbs...

Him living here is going to make it harder but he is adamant he isn't leaving, he hates change. Which is ironic because leaving me will ultimately change his whole life!