My DH and the woman from work

[ettiespaghetti]

Almost a year ago my husband told me that a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.

When he told me he was wracked with guilt and was upset saying he didn't know what to do.

2 or three times since I've looked at his phone and found either him still entertaining texts back and forth, although not inappropriate and then last week looked and it's obvious messages have been deleted.

I'm in trauma therapy at the moment and it's a thing of mine to bury feelings and avoid them.

I spoke to him yesterday about deleted messages and he said he deleted them as he doesn't want me to worry.

He was out last night on a work do and she was there

All of this I thought I was ok with, but when I actually connect with myself I feel angry.

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive.

I'm not sure what to do - any insight ?

I'm being very well looked after by my beautiful friends

I'm still reeling and tidal waves of emotions keep crashing over me

But I'm still standing
And still sober

Bloody well done @ettiespaghetti

Tomorrow seek legal advice. You don’t need to act, but you should know where you stand.

You don't know me, but I'm so proud of you for staying sober.

Good to hear you're being looked after

@Tiredacheyandreadyforbed

You don't know me, but I'm so proud of you for staying sober.

100 this. I hope you're okay op.

He's a pig. You sound incredibly strong. How are you?

I'm in a terrible state

I have complex PTSD and this has burst open a life time of pain

I'm barely surviving

Managed not to drink although came close

Going to an aa meeting later

Just need to keep breathing in and out

Well done Op.

You are doing amazingly.

You are doing well OP, keep going. There are many women, including me, cheering you on.

Well done OP. Keep going.

Well done OP. You are being so strong. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are.

If you need to get through the day one breath at a time OP then you do that. There’s a whole army of complete strangers out here willing you on.

I'm in agony

I came home just now and haven't yet told him to go but I am going to but I feel like doing it tomorrow

Stay strong OP 💐

He sounds like a dick 🥹

Hope you have some good support in real life OP. So sorry this is happening to you

Did you get to your meeting?

Got some great support in real life

Got to my meeting yesterday and I'm still sober !!

I came home last night and im conscious it's probably not a good idea but he told me that while I was away his grandma died and I gave him a cuddle and it actually made me feel a bit better to comfort each other.

He has referred himself for therapy
Just overheard him on the phone to an agency for a job move.

I believe he hates himself for it , I don't doubt how much he loves me - I think the affair has almost been some very sad attempt of self esteem boosting - he has definitely affaired down from me to make him feel king dick where he was maybe not feeling that way with me , especially as I've been doing so much work on myself

Also I know im 0% responsible for the affair

But 100% responsible for my 50% of the relationship and (this might be my 12 step
Program) as I know there is always a part that I've played , im not a blameless victim of life

I feel he's done a terrible thing but isn't a terrible person ?

You sound like you got your head screwed on right @ettiespaghetti.

He's done a terrible thing; he's not a terrible person, you are right about that.

Trust your gut on this one.

@ettiespaghetti That's fantastic that you have stayed sober and that you have support. If you want to work on this, maybe marriage counselling would be a way forward? It's also a good sign that he is looking at a job move. If he is truly cutting ties, can you get him to change his phone number too?

Sending a huge hug.

My ex-H cheated with a colleague. The emotional betrayal was worse than the sexual betrayal. I divorced him because what I thought we had was obviously a fantasy. Take your time, ignore his protestations and love-bombing, and do what’s best for you, whatever that might be. xx

Same here. Currently divorcing for the same reasons and for me it was also more about the emotional side and after reading some of their conversations to each other there was no going back for me. I thought what we had was unbreakable yet he broke it with a few words.

Take your time op and do what's right for you but please don't be blackmailed or guilted by his tears. He is panicking. Thankfully my ex didn't even bother begging as he knew it was passed that point for me.

Also, I would second the STI test. I felt utter humiliation at having to go for one as a 40 year old married mother of 2 but it was fine and I felt better for knowing that aspect wasn't a worry for me.

I don't believe that having an affair makes someone a terrible person either and I still have a lot of affection for my ex husband but I knew that I could never get passed what he did and what I read/found out. Marriage can be really hard work and huge things can happen in terms of health and events that really test us but there are always other choices than having an affair to cope with them. It is just that - a choice that was made again and again. He knew full well what would happen if he was found out yet took the risk anyway.

Me and my ex have retained a level of amicability for the sake of our children so it doesn't have to be all Kramer vs Kramer if you do decide that you can't put this past you. You are parents first and foremost and I'm sure you can put other things aside to put them first.

Glad to hear your latest update

You’re doing awesome OP. Look after yourself first and foremost.

@ettiespaghetti

Got some great support in real life

Got to my meeting yesterday and I'm still sober !!

I came home last night and im conscious it's probably not a good idea but he told me that while I was away his grandma died and I gave him a cuddle and it actually made me feel a bit better to comfort each other.

He has referred himself for therapy
Just overheard him on the phone to an agency for a job move.

I believe he hates himself for it , I don't doubt how much he loves me - I think the affair has almost been some very sad attempt of self esteem boosting - he has definitely affaired down from me to make him feel king dick where he was maybe not feeling that way with me , especially as I've been doing so much work on myself

Also I know im 0% responsible for the affair

But 100% responsible for my 50% of the relationship and (this might be my 12 step
Program) as I know there is always a part that I've played , im not a blameless victim of life

I feel he's done a terrible thing but isn't a terrible person ?

Just ask yourself if you can ever forgive him for what he has done. Both of you going to see a therapist is good. I would like to say kick him out but it depends on if he is truly sorry. It is really up to you. You got to put the kids feelings to the side and say could I get over this. "Would I just keep throwing it in his face after an argument"? Could I trust him? Well done for not drinking and keeping a clear head. Just keep being open about your feelings. It will take time to heal.