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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH and the woman from work

334 replies

ettiespaghetti · 03/04/2022 11:50

Almost a year ago my husband told me that a woman at work had progressively been getting more and more flirtatious , that it had started as work banter but escalated to her declaring how much she fancied him
and propositioned him for sex.

When he told me he was wracked with guilt and was upset saying he didn't know what to do.

2 or three times since I've looked at his phone and found either him still entertaining texts back and forth, although not inappropriate and then last week looked and it's obvious messages have been deleted.

I'm in trauma therapy at the moment and it's a thing of mine to bury feelings and avoid them.

I spoke to him yesterday about deleted messages and he said he deleted them as he doesn't want me to worry.

He was out last night on a work do and she was there

All of this I thought I was ok with, but when I actually connect with myself I feel angry.

I was plotting to get his phone and set up my iPad with his iCloud account so I can see the messages but that's not particularly constructive.

I'm not sure what to do - any insight ?

OP posts:
GirlMum93 · 04/04/2022 13:35

So sorry to hear the update OP. You need to be strong now Brew

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/04/2022 13:37

What the fuck is he shouting about? Why is he trying to make anything your fault? He’s just continuing to prove what a piece of shit he is.

CarlCarlson · 04/04/2022 13:48

Talk to him

stairgates · 04/04/2022 13:49

So lack of sex has sent him elsewhere, if you give more sex he will be happy, the choice is to be blunt, open em and become a piece of meat or chuck him out, this is the option he is giving you with all the excuses taken away. Option 1 will destroy you, please flick the switch in your head to relationship finished.

cherish123 · 04/04/2022 13:53

Has he reported her?
I don't think he'd be having an affair if he had told you about it.

CustardySergeant · 04/04/2022 13:54

@cherish123

Has he reported her? I don't think he'd be having an affair if he had told you about it.
Reported her for what? Giving him blow jobs and having sex with him? Confused
whatstheteamarie · 04/04/2022 13:57

Personally I think the OWs husband deserves to know.

Many people survive a cancer diagnosis these days so they could potentially have decades of marriage ahead of them with her cheating and besides, having an illness doesn't make you less of a human being and what person wouldn't want to know if their spouse was cheating on them?

NinaManiana · 04/04/2022 14:08

I think you know inside he’s cheating on you. You are posting on here to check in as you don’t trust your instincts. But in my experience, your instincts will be correct.

People don’t want to think their partners are cheating so for them to even suspect, the evidence has to be pretty overwhelming.

I imagine it’s not just the deleted messages. I imagine there are all sorts of things. Him being cold and critical maybe? Unexplained disappearances? Weekends away or nights out with the lads? Maybe lads you don’t know / wouldn’t obviously speak to?

It’s all a familiar pattern.

GirlMum93 · 04/04/2022 14:12

@NinaManiana

I think you know inside he’s cheating on you. You are posting on here to check in as you don’t trust your instincts. But in my experience, your instincts will be correct.

People don’t want to think their partners are cheating so for them to even suspect, the evidence has to be pretty overwhelming.

I imagine it’s not just the deleted messages. I imagine there are all sorts of things. Him being cold and critical maybe? Unexplained disappearances? Weekends away or nights out with the lads? Maybe lads you don’t know / wouldn’t obviously speak to?

It’s all a familiar pattern.

Update is DH was cheating on OP. Spidey senses were tingling for OP.
Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 04/04/2022 15:10

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow

I'm going stay with a friend for a couple of days as I don't want my youngest especially to see me in this state

My kids are 22 (depressed and autistic)
18 - his dads his best mate and hero
14 - vulnerable , took an OD last year due to bullying

My Dh has always acted as if he's besotted with me , and that hasn't change and the lack of sex is not no Sex and in the period he's been shagging her we have also been having sex

I think I'll ask him to leave before I come back

I just need some time to express my emotions without feeling I need to keep a lid on it so as not to worry the kids

I haven't eaten since yesterday lunch time

Having a bath now and will
Get ready , pack a bag and go

Youngest is going to a friends after school and DH picking her up so that will
Be normality for her and I'll say I'm away with a friend for their birthday or something x

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 04/04/2022 15:12

Get yourself an STI test if you've been having sex OP.
Hopefully having someone to talk to IRL will help.

MakingShiteMemories · 04/04/2022 15:17

@secretsqizzle

MN is so black and white. It's like people don't realise that you are a real person living a real life OP. Please don't be influenced either way by gung ho keyboard warriors who want you to LTB .. 'just dump him' .. 'get rid' . Or forgive and move on.

Take some time. Discuss with your therapist. Consider seeing a specialist relationship counsellor alone to help you process your thoughts.

There is no right or wrong. Leaving and starting afresh is just as valid as staying and rebuilding. You just need to take your time and try to make the right decision for you and your children.

This is an excellent post.
HangingRock25 · 04/04/2022 15:26

Why are you going to your friends? Why don't you ask him to leave? Right now! ?

Bookworm20 · 04/04/2022 15:27

So he was sleeping with both of you?
Good god, and hes justifying it by lack of sex from you? He really is grasping at straws here isn't here.

Take that time away OP with your friend. Try and take care of you for those few days and then you can decide where you go from there.

your DC will ultimately be ok, because they have you as their mum and you sound like a lovely caring mum to me, with their best interests at heart.

thegatingpoint · 04/04/2022 15:27

I feel so sorry for these men being progressively and systematically targeted and victimised by women to the point they can’t say no to them and have to have sex with them to make them go away

thegatingpoint · 04/04/2022 15:29

Sorry OP I only just read the update
What a pathetic excuse for a man

girlmom21 · 04/04/2022 15:37

@HangingRock25

Why are you going to your friends? Why don't you ask him to leave? Right now! ?
She's said why. Because she's not in a good way and doesn't want her children to see her like this.
Lady089 · 04/04/2022 15:46

Well no one wants to spend their life with a liar and a cheat, so the right thing to do is walk away.

He made his bed, now he lies in it.

Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 04/04/2022 16:00

I'm trying to pack and feel like I can't breathe

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 04/04/2022 16:01

Take some deep breaths and call the Samaritans to chat whilst you pack for some moral support?

mae2014 · 04/04/2022 16:04

Awww its ok you can do it xx baby steps @ettiespaghetti - this is a total total shock to the system, go to your friends and give yourself time to process what has happened/feel the emotions of it all xxxx

fromdownwest · 04/04/2022 16:12

@planetme

Kick him out and change the locks
Wow - Straight to end game.
FishFingerSandwiches4Tea · 04/04/2022 16:20

@Bookworm20

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. You must be going through hell. Caused by your DH who should be your rock, not the person who destroys you.

Are they both so so sorry because they have been caught out? If it ended a month ago have they had zero contact in that month? I doubt it.
Also he told you this a year ago, its been going on since then. What you know if likely only the tip of the iceburg - you've been told the absolute minimum.
And now they are guilting you into not telling the OW husband.

Its up to you what you do there, but I think he has a right to know. On top of cancer thats going to be monumentaly awful but he should have the right to make the decision himself of staying with his wife or not.
If she was so scared of hurting her DH she wouldn't have sucked another mans dick, would she? Think if it was you, would you want him to tell you if he found out first? I know I'd want to know, cancer or not.
I'd want to know if the person supposedly caring for me was lying and cheating on me, and he will find out eventually, these things have a habit of coming out the woodwork sooner or later.

In the mean time, take care of you. get him to leave, and focus on you and the dc. And remember, HE has done this, not you. if he had issues with the lack of intimacy he should have spoken with you about it. If it was so serious he had an affair he should have done the more honorable thing and left before embarking on that. But he chose to hurt you instead.

And be prepared for the script. the crying, the begging, the not his fault, then when that doesn't work it'll be your fault, you drove him to it, then be prepared for the rewrite of history - that he never loved you. Its all lies.

I agree with this.

So sorry you're dealing with this.

HangingRock25 · 04/04/2022 16:26

OP do you know for sure her husband even has cancer? Or more likely did she make that up to manipulate you into not telling him? It's a strong possibility/bet.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 04/04/2022 18:07

OP, I am so sorry.

You really don't deserve this.

I have seen people make such destructive mistakes and for the damage to be repaired. Cracks still visible, but relationship working and improving.

BUT the way he justifies and excuses himself by blaming you for lack of intimacy and sex is a huge red flag. And it is quite shocking that he thinks that a) it is any form of justification and b)this is a good moment to blame and criticise you. His begging and tears should be coming with taking full responsibility.

You are strong. You have given up alcohol. You are dealing with difficult things in your past. He is the weak one - pathetically weak, actually.

I think going away for a few days is wise. You don't have to do anything quickly.

Whether you tell her DH is neither here nor there. Her marriage is not your concern, focus on YOU.