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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H had a fling with a mentally unstable woman.....

152 replies

gerryperry · 02/04/2022 11:22

We separated for 6'months. In this time he had a fling with a woman who turns out is very mentally unstable.
I knew about it. He hasn't cheated.

Over the past 6/8 weeks, we've decided to give our marriage another go. Again, I was aware of the fling with the woman. I knew it was already over between them both. The fling lasted about 3/4 weeks in total.

H ended the relationship with her and granted she was upset. He ended up having to block her as he was getting vile messages. This is before we got back together.

Anyway everything was fine, we were taking things slowly, the odd date night every now and then etc etc.

One morning I got a random Facebook message off OW saying I need to know 'the truth' about their relationship. This was sent at 3 am in the morning. It upset me, I won't lie but I ignored the message. I then decided to block her completely and went back onto the message only to find she had unsent the message. The next minute she had deleted her account completely. I tried to block her myself but I couldn't as she had just vanished.

I met up with friends a few days later and told them what happened. It turns out one of my friends knows the OW and she has bipolar. She started reeling off things that she had done to other men in the last, trying to ruin relationships etc. Shes even cried rape before
(So sorry if that upsets anyone xx) and almost got a friend of hers husband sent to prison but dropped charges at the last minute. It was all lies.

This woman is very mentally unstable. Apparently she's ok strong medication and shouldn't drink alcohol. It makes total sense as every message I've received off her is around 2/3am in the morning:

Anyway the other day I woke to a few more messages off her. She's back. This is what's upset me.

In the message, she says that she was sleeping with my husband much earlier than I thought. It was still during a time where we had separated but it was a time we were both trying to fight for our marriage. H was desperate for us not to separate. It was the week before Xmas they slept together for the first time according to her. I spent Xmas with H. I bought him gifts, we had a normal Xmas. I would be devastated if this were true.

She also said some other things that I can imagine to be true.

I blocked her immediately. Rang H who was obviously very angry and denied that he slept with her before Xmas.

I've had a crappy couple of days. H then starts to recieve messages off her from a different number.

If I get anymore messages off her then I will reply asking her to leave me alone. If she doesn't, I know I can then go to the police for harassment. I really don't want to do this but she's making me very uncomfortable. H seems to think she would be the type to start a new fb account just to contact me so I've come off social media.

I'm mad at H. He could of picked a better woman to have a fling with! Saying that, from the sounds, she had feelings for him and he dumped her.

I've also now got the whole thing of wether he slept with her before Xmas. I'll never find out the truth. It's him against her. The only thing I've got to go in his favour is she is well known to cause trouble and it's blatantly obvious anyway from her behaviour in the messages she's sent me.

Advice? Eurgh...not enjoying this x

OP posts:

over2021 · 02/04/2022 11:28

This is why I couldn't forgive an affair. There would always be an element of doubt and that worm in your brain will do so much harm. If you're willing to forgive the fling you have to wipe the slate clean- when it happened is kind of a moot point. Your husband slept with someone else when, clearly, your marriage was still salvageable if you've reconciled.

I don't have any practical advice OP - except to say that I would walk away from the relationship for good and there's no shame in that.

Sailorsusan · 02/04/2022 11:29

Well, she sounds very annoyed you are back together. I would be inclined to believe your DH. Sorry you are dealing with this. It does sound like harrassment to me.

QuebecBagnet · 02/04/2022 11:31

I’d listen to your friend who says this woman lies and ruins relationships. And then not believe what she tells you. Go with the telling her to leave you alone and police if necessary plan.

Original poster

gerryperry · 02/04/2022 11:32

@over2021

I don't have any practical advice OP - except to say that I would walk away from the relationship for good and there's no shame in that.

He didn't have an affair. That's the thing. I left him, I made the decision not to carry on so H hasn't done anything wrong in that respect. I can get past that part.

However he if has slept with her when she says - I can't forgive that. I'll never know the truth unfortunately

OP posts:

Sailorsusan · 02/04/2022 11:32

There would always be an element of doubt and that worm in your brain will do so much harm

This is true though. Is any trust still there?

Original poster

gerryperry · 02/04/2022 11:34

@Sailorsusan

Well, she sounds very annoyed you are back together. I would be inclined to believe your DH. Sorry you are dealing with this. It does sound like harrassment to me.

She has sent messages to H to say she knows he has a new girlfriend (he doesn't - if anything, it's me but she doesn't know that) and how she wants to 'start on her'

The woman is absolutely deluded. I'm on my late 30's,
I'm too old for this stuff. I just want a quiet life

OP posts:

Original poster

gerryperry · 02/04/2022 11:36

@QuebecBagnet

I’d listen to your friend who says this woman lies and ruins relationships. And then not believe what she tells you. Go with the telling her to leave you alone and police if necessary plan.

I absolutely believe my friend. In fact my friends husband called her while we were having lunch and she put her husband on loud speaker and asked him to tell me everything he knows about OW. It's common knowledge to stay away from her in the area they live in.

So mad at H!

OP posts:

me4real · 02/04/2022 11:37

I have bipolar and I'm not a liar particularly. I think the likelihood is she's telling the truth about that, though I know you've been told she's lied about other thhings.

Either way it seems there are many other issues in your marriage too @gerryperry , hence you split up. And now you can't trust him- parts of what you were told align with what you know of him.

I don't think this is a good relationship to be in.

Blue4YOU · 02/04/2022 11:37

Maybe she is “mentally unstable “ (I find that term pretty derogatory) or has bipolar disorder or an alcohol problem but regardless if she is bothering you, which she is, tell her to stop harassing you as the next step you will take is to report her to the police.
Have you set your FB settings so only friends and family can message you?
Also, if you hear from her again do report it to the police.
It’s for your DH to reassure you re the timing of when they had sex because obviously there’s no way in which you can establish the truth.

Neongoddess · 02/04/2022 11:37

She also said some other things that I can imagine to be true.

So the issue is that you believe she is telling the truth about somethings and he is lying about them?

That's the actual issue. Something doesn't add up to you. She might be a liar. But you suspect she is being honest about some stuff. You suspect he is dishonest about that stuff.

Yes, if she continues to contact you can involve the police. However, I think you really need to think about the relationship. Yes she is a pain. But deep down you don't trust him to tell you the truth

CuriousMariette · 02/04/2022 11:41

If this poor lady has mental health issues to this degree I think you need to disregard what she has to say. It’s difficult but if you google bipolar you will see that sometimes a bipolar person can have a distorted version of their own reality. Effectively becoming obsessed with you both is quite common unfortunately. I don’t have anything else to say on your situation I think only you can decide if you can forgive. If your husband knew the OW had mental health issues it was very cruel of him to jump into a relationship with her-she’s obviously struggling herself. What a mess - I hope this lady starts to leave you alone.Block and ignore - don’t feed her demons.

Original poster

gerryperry · 02/04/2022 11:49

Just to add for people that haven't read the full thread.

I have blocked her. However I also have de activated my social media completely which is a pain as I actually need it for work but a few days won't harm.

Maybe 'mentally unstable' isn't the right phrase but if bipolar also isn't the right phrase then I'm not sure what is?

She's very honest with her bipolar, I've seen the messages she sent to H while they were together. She would message him when he would say he couldn't come and see her on a night. She would get extremely angry at this and message him things like 'I've got another man coming round to give me a proper f**king'
Vile vile messages.

She also sent him messages to say that she knew I was in a relationship as she had seen me. I wasn't and never started a new relationship during our time apart.

This is why it's also difficult to believe what she says. I want to believe H.

But in the next breathe....I don't know!

As for contacting the police, I will do. If she contacts me in anyway again, I will send her a direct message to leave me alone. If she doesn't, I'll go to the police. H is also thinking about it as she's gone to the lengths of getting a new number to contact him.

OP posts:

Original poster

gerryperry · 02/04/2022 11:50

Sorry I went off trial and didn't finish what I was supposed to say! She would send these vile messages and then the next day, apologise saying it was her bipolar talking and for H to take no notice.

OP posts:

NeedAHoliday2021 · 02/04/2022 11:59

I would respond, dh and I have drawn a line on the past few months. I know what happened between you and him while we were separated and I’m sorry he caused you hurt but we have decided to get back together and build our relationship going forward. Please stop messaging or I will report you for harassment.

Iwonder08 · 02/04/2022 12:00

OP, if you decided to try to rebuild your relationship, then there is o ly one way forward. Inform the woman that if she contacts you again in any shape or form you will go to police. Stop torturing yourself with doubts re before/after Xmas and concentrate on what is happening now.

Lilybow · 02/04/2022 12:00

It sounds like she's just very unhappy that your DH dumped her and got back with you and is reacting to that and is bitter and wants to make your reconciliation difficult. It sounds like you both want to move past the break up and this woman and move on. Whether or not he did sleep with her before you broke up... I don't think you'll ever know the truth with her behaviour so I think it's just accept that and move on or break up.

I'd feel sorry for her as she clearly has nothing else in her life. If she keeps harassing you though call the police.

BottleOfSun · 02/04/2022 12:01

I wouldn’t believe a word she says. She’s a proven liar, she’s upset that she’s been dumped and is trying to hurt your H and get payback anyway she can by lashing out at you, making up stories ect. Go to the police if she contacts you again.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 02/04/2022 12:04

Her mental health is largely irrelevant here.

It comes down to the fact that your H had a fling when you were separated and it doesn't sound like you're truly okay with that.

This is the issue with affairs - even if you agree to move on, will you ever be able to trust your partner again, or will there always be that niggling doubt in the corner of your mind?

TheNameOfTheRoses · 02/04/2022 12:09

I would send her one last message saying that you do not want her to contact you again and that any further message will be considered harassment and will be reported to the police.

I would expect your H to do the same (he would wouldn’t he?).

Then you will to BOTH block her.

I would NOT tell her anything about what’s going on with you and H. She doesn’t need to know. Not her issue. If anything I suspect this would be adding fuel to the fire.

LetHimHaveIt · 02/04/2022 12:11

Hmmmm. I'd be fucking pissed off with him, too. Of all the women in the world with whom to have a relationship in his fairly narrow window of opportunity, he plumps for one with an apparently rich history of mental health problems, who 'tries to ruin relationships' and makes false accusations of rape. He seems remarkably tractable, given her reported behaviour and the messages about getting other men over to 'see to her' properly. And all these friends and friends' husbands lining up to blab what they know about her! How fishy extraordinary!

I don't like it, OP, honestly. Sometimes 'psycho exes' really are 'psycho exes' but sometimes they're women who have been done wrong. I wouldn't be astonished if he's been sleeping with her longer than he claims. Put it that way.

TheNameOfTheRoses · 02/04/2022 12:11

Whether you are ok with him having a fling whilst you were separated is another issue.
Whether trust is there or had been damaged in the first place is another issue. Do you feel you actually trust your H?

All this you love have to have a look at for your sake (and before deciding whether you want to make it a go again or not).

That’s totally separate from hat to do with her.

Sonaftersonafterson · 02/04/2022 12:12

He didnt have an affair! Why do people keep saying he did? They were separated.

OP, you've decided to give your marriage another go. Shes probably lying but even if not, you have to let it go x

tempester28 · 02/04/2022 12:16

NeedAHoliday2021 - I think has the best advice here

forlornlorna · 02/04/2022 12:16

He got into another relationship with a woman who was open and honest about her mental health. Is probably quite vulnerable and obviously unstable. That alone would make me question what kind of a man he is

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 02/04/2022 12:17

He didnt have an affair! Why do people keep saying he did? They were separated.

OP herself refers to it as a fling.

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