H had a fling with a mentally unstable woman.....

[gerryperry]

We separated for 6'months. In this time he had a fling with a woman who turns out is very mentally unstable.
I knew about it. He hasn't cheated.

Over the past 6/8 weeks, we've decided to give our marriage another go. Again, I was aware of the fling with the woman. I knew it was already over between them both. The fling lasted about 3/4 weeks in total.

H ended the relationship with her and granted she was upset. He ended up having to block her as he was getting vile messages. This is before we got back together.

Anyway everything was fine, we were taking things slowly, the odd date night every now and then etc etc.

One morning I got a random Facebook message off OW saying I need to know 'the truth' about their relationship. This was sent at 3 am in the morning. It upset me, I won't lie but I ignored the message. I then decided to block her completely and went back onto the message only to find she had unsent the message. The next minute she had deleted her account completely. I tried to block her myself but I couldn't as she had just vanished.

I met up with friends a few days later and told them what happened. It turns out one of my friends knows the OW and she has bipolar. She started reeling off things that she had done to other men in the last, trying to ruin relationships etc. Shes even cried rape before
(So sorry if that upsets anyone xx) and almost got a friend of hers husband sent to prison but dropped charges at the last minute. It was all lies.

This woman is very mentally unstable. Apparently she's ok strong medication and shouldn't drink alcohol. It makes total sense as every message I've received off her is around 2/3am in the morning:

Anyway the other day I woke to a few more messages off her. She's back. This is what's upset me.

In the message, she says that she was sleeping with my husband much earlier than I thought. It was still during a time where we had separated but it was a time we were both trying to fight for our marriage. H was desperate for us not to separate. It was the week before Xmas they slept together for the first time according to her. I spent Xmas with H. I bought him gifts, we had a normal Xmas. I would be devastated if this were true.

She also said some other things that I can imagine to be true.

I blocked her immediately. Rang H who was obviously very angry and denied that he slept with her before Xmas.

I've had a crappy couple of days. H then starts to recieve messages off her from a different number.

If I get anymore messages off her then I will reply asking her to leave me alone. If she doesn't, I know I can then go to the police for harassment. I really don't want to do this but she's making me very uncomfortable. H seems to think she would be the type to start a new fb account just to contact me so I've come off social media.

I'm mad at H. He could of picked a better woman to have a fling with! Saying that, from the sounds, she had feelings for him and he dumped her.

I've also now got the whole thing of wether he slept with her before Xmas. I'll never find out the truth. It's him against her. The only thing I've got to go in his favour is she is well known to cause trouble and it's blatantly obvious anyway from her behaviour in the messages she's sent me.

Advice? Eurgh...not enjoying this x

You know she lies, and you've already decided to give your marriage another go. Therefore you need to believe your husband.

Yes just to add again - he didn't have an affair. I left him. We spent a couple of months trying to rebuild (this is when she claims to have slept with him). He was distraught and went into a bad place understandably. He didn't want our marriage to end. He started to go out again, he very rarely ever went out before, I saw a group of his old friends from years ago and began to see them regularly. This is how ow comes into it. She tried to be there for him and she became a shoulder for him to cry on.

She then began telling him she had found out I was in a new relationship which led to his fling with her. I've seen the message exchange between them both. She claimed that I had lost the plot! I hadn't done anything!

H did reply with a message to her last night - just simple 'don't contact me again' she replied with loads more messages. Even bringing up Hs father who committed suicide. H then blocked her. Anymore and he will go to the police.

I understand completely it's a separate issue though! You are all correct about that. I think just the harassment side of things is taking over the actual real issue.

I need to give it a few days, hopefully clear my head and hope that she won't contact either of us again and go from there.

H and I still aren't living together. We were far from reconciling properly. So I can have some proper time think.

I don't have a clue why she thinks we are even back together as absolutely no one knows we were even trying.

I'd just find it a turn off that he had a connection with a woman this damaged. What is he looking for out of a connection. Does vulnerability attract him, do it for him..?

You decided to give your marriage another go, but is he a good person? Self-aware? emotionally intelligent? What kind of person ends up in a relationship with a partner with this much dysfunction? So much dysfunction that she's on medication. Who is drawn to that?

An emotionally stable person with a healthy sense of them self? or somebody who is themself emotionally immature.

Also just to add - I feel sorry for her too. It can't be much of a life if you spend it causing so much drama.

Also if I go to the police, they will have her on file for claiming a man raped her so they will know what she's like sadly.

You will never know. It's such an easy lie to tell. If I were you I would decide to believe him to give the best possible chance for the marriage to work now you've decided that's what you both want. I know that's easier said than done! You will have to remind yourself every day for a while that you've chosen not to believe her.

An alarming number of people on here stating that this woman is a 'proven liar' or that OP knows that 'he lies'.

No-one knows any such thing. She withdrew an accusation of rape and a few men of the OP's acquaintance also say she's a liar.

Well, that's fucking bulletproof, then 🙄

Funny how this woman's notoriety seems to have distinct geographical boundaries. OP's friends and their husbands know of her, but she didn't and not did her husband.

Some men seem to labour under the delusion that mental health issues are somehow 'extra-sexy' - in an 'Angelia Jolie in "Girl, Interrupted" way, and seek them out for that very reason. I'd be worried that OP's husband is one of those.

I agree with you @lethimhaveit
I'd be really concerned that the OP's husband ended up with a vulnerable woman so quickly.

Sometimes behaving very emotionally is a predictable response to having been treated very badly. led on, used, dumped, replaced. Women with a stronger sense of them self will dig deep and use their restraint not to show the reaction they still feel.

@Honor9to5

I agree with you *@lethimhaveit* I'd be really concerned that the OP's husband ended up with a vulnerable woman so quickly.

Sometimes behaving very emotionally is a predictable response to having been treated very badly. led on, used, dumped, replaced. Women with a stronger sense of them self will dig deep and use their restraint not to show the reaction they still feel.

I agree with you on that. However I have to say, she is very clever. She knew what she was doing.

Im thankful that he actually kept the messages they've exchanged as there is so many. She was very honest with her bipolar but at the start of it all, she made it all about H. It was all about how he was better off without me. I couldn't believe what I was reading. If anything, H was the vulnerable one here.

@LetHimHaveIt and @Honor9to5 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Nail on head ladies

If she continues to harass you contact the police and tell them she has bi polar disorder and you believe her to be unwell. They have powers under section 135 and 136 of the mental health Act. Possibly its her illness driving her behaviour rather than criminal intent.

Our daughter has bi polar disorder. Its really hard to live with . Currently she is experiencing a slight shift in reality rather than full delusions.

The OW may have muddled the time line. Its the truth as she sees it.

Don’t threaten her with the police, you don’t know how that will affect her. Just do it , if you need to.

Wanted to add, as a mother of an adult dd with bipolar. When she's in a manic phase of her illness she doesn't think straight, makes very risky decisions, can be promiscuous... and you should see the type of men who've targeted her when she's like this. We have to protect her until she's stable again. I'd think on the kind of man you are with

@gerryperry what was she ''doing''?

She got in to a relationship with a man who'd recently broken up with his long term partner. So can you clarify what it was that she knew she was doing?

I'd see this as a DH problem. I'd expect him to ensure that the drama and mess he allows in his life doesn't negatively impact anyone else. See also toxic ex-partners, co-parents, in-laws. Allowing his poor choices and ineffectual boundaries to harm me or my children would irrevocably break the relationship for me.

@fortifiedwithtea

If she continues to harass you contact the police and tell them she has bi polar disorder and you believe her to be unwell. They have powers under section 135 and 136 of the mental health Act. Possibly its her illness driving her behaviour rather than criminal intent.

Our daughter has bi polar disorder. Its really hard to live with . Currently she is experiencing a slight shift in reality rather than full delusions.

The OW may have muddled the time line. Its the truth as she sees it.

Don’t threaten her with the police, you don’t know how that will affect her. Just do it , if you need to.

That's good to know thank you. I don't want to make things any worse than they already are so I will do that. A friend of mine went through something similar. She was told you need to give a firm 'leave me alone' twice and for it to be ignored everytime before the police will do anything. Not sure how accurate this is.

I have ignored all her messages purely as I don't know what to say and also despite the fact I am absolutely messed up myself for this, I don't want to mess her head up anymore.

If he has kept all her messages then are you not able to check the dates and see when the relationship started?

I have to agree though, regardless of the timeline, your H willingly and knowingly had a relationship with her. Despite her sending "vile vile messages" to him and being very open about her mental health issues. It all sounds very messy, I hope you find a way through it that doesn't leave you constantly worried and doubtful.

Of course your DH is being completely honest? No smoke without some fire.

I feel I should stick up for H here despite the fact I could throttle him.

During the first 3 weeks of the fling/relationship/whatever she was absolutely fine. Made me out to be in a happy new relationship and that H is better off without me blah blah blah. I've seen evidence of it all.

It went wrong because he told her one night he didn't want to see her. She couldn't handle that and that's when her bipolar came out. Vile messages etc. It was too much for H so he ended it.

Though I do see the point of him starting something with her in the first place. She was honest about her bipolar from the start. However he was also vulnerable himself.

I think you’re minimising to yourself with the word ‘fling’. Call it what it really is.

I’d be interested to know how she almost got a man sent to prison for a rape he didn’t commit. My rapist left dna evidence inside me, injuries consistent with rape and emailed me apologising afterwards and it didn’t even get to court due to insufficient evidence. She may have been telling lies about other stuff, I don’t know, but in the UK it is practically impossible to get an actual rapist into court, let alone a fake one.

It reads to me like you're not truly okay with the fact that he went off with someone else (even though you were separated at the time) and that fact is always going to niggle at you, even though technically he did nothing wrong.

Do you really want to get back together after all the previous issues that caused you to split in the first place, and then this on top as well?

@HollowedOut

I’d be interested to know how she almost got a man sent to prison for a rape he didn’t commit. My rapist left dna evidence inside me, injuries consistent with rape and emailed me apologising afterwards and it didn’t even get to court due to insufficient evidence. She may have been telling lies about other stuff, I don’t know, but in the UK it is practically impossible to get an actual rapist into court, let alone a fake one.

Read the thread! She didn't. She admitted it was all lies once the police started questioning.

Your husband pretty much used her as some kind of petty tit-for-tat move when he thought you had a new man while knowing she has a mental health disorder. That's nasty.

So if he did only have sex with her when you were separated, it sounds like he knowingly had sex with a woman who wasn’t making good choices. Took advantage of that. That would make me as unwilling to take him back as the (possible) cheating.

@Monr0e

If he has kept all her messages then are you not able to check the dates and see when the relationship started?

I have to agree though, regardless of the timeline, your H willingly and knowingly had a relationship with her. Despite her sending "vile vile messages" to him and being very open about her mental health issues. It all sounds very messy, I hope you find a way through it that doesn't leave you constantly worried and doubtful.

Yeah I have, the timings all fit with him to be fair. She says they slept together on a night out, the night they swapped numbers.