H had a fling with a mentally unstable woman.....

[gerryperry]

We separated for 6'months. In this time he had a fling with a woman who turns out is very mentally unstable.
I knew about it. He hasn't cheated.

Over the past 6/8 weeks, we've decided to give our marriage another go. Again, I was aware of the fling with the woman. I knew it was already over between them both. The fling lasted about 3/4 weeks in total.

H ended the relationship with her and granted she was upset. He ended up having to block her as he was getting vile messages. This is before we got back together.

Anyway everything was fine, we were taking things slowly, the odd date night every now and then etc etc.

One morning I got a random Facebook message off OW saying I need to know 'the truth' about their relationship. This was sent at 3 am in the morning. It upset me, I won't lie but I ignored the message. I then decided to block her completely and went back onto the message only to find she had unsent the message. The next minute she had deleted her account completely. I tried to block her myself but I couldn't as she had just vanished.

I met up with friends a few days later and told them what happened. It turns out one of my friends knows the OW and she has bipolar. She started reeling off things that she had done to other men in the last, trying to ruin relationships etc. Shes even cried rape before
(So sorry if that upsets anyone xx) and almost got a friend of hers husband sent to prison but dropped charges at the last minute. It was all lies.

This woman is very mentally unstable. Apparently she's ok strong medication and shouldn't drink alcohol. It makes total sense as every message I've received off her is around 2/3am in the morning:

Anyway the other day I woke to a few more messages off her. She's back. This is what's upset me.

In the message, she says that she was sleeping with my husband much earlier than I thought. It was still during a time where we had separated but it was a time we were both trying to fight for our marriage. H was desperate for us not to separate. It was the week before Xmas they slept together for the first time according to her. I spent Xmas with H. I bought him gifts, we had a normal Xmas. I would be devastated if this were true.

She also said some other things that I can imagine to be true.

I blocked her immediately. Rang H who was obviously very angry and denied that he slept with her before Xmas.

I've had a crappy couple of days. H then starts to recieve messages off her from a different number.

If I get anymore messages off her then I will reply asking her to leave me alone. If she doesn't, I know I can then go to the police for harassment. I really don't want to do this but she's making me very uncomfortable. H seems to think she would be the type to start a new fb account just to contact me so I've come off social media.

I'm mad at H. He could of picked a better woman to have a fling with! Saying that, from the sounds, she had feelings for him and he dumped her.

I've also now got the whole thing of wether he slept with her before Xmas. I'll never find out the truth. It's him against her. The only thing I've got to go in his favour is she is well known to cause trouble and it's blatantly obvious anyway from her behaviour in the messages she's sent me.

Advice? Eurgh...not enjoying this x

@BadNomad he was 'with' her for three weeks and then ended it. He hasn't committed time to her or broken her heart.

It's three weeks. Of which he would've seen her how many times? A handful?

How many actual encounters are we talking about her to make him responsible for her actions?

She also said some other things that I can imagine to be true.

Like?

@Nothappyatwork the Op left him why should he hang around waiting for her to change her mind? He started to move on.

Maybe just needed a rebound and wanted to test the waters in the dating world. Which ever way you twist it he was single and met someone very very briefly.

Ok it's getting a bit heated here. I'm going to step back as my head is completely fried.

I'm actually going to put myself first and call 101 to put my mind at rest on that part. I won't ask them it intervene but I'd just like to make them aware.

I am actually really quite relieved that H did keep his whole message conversation with her as I know 100% I would be siding with ow if he hadn't. I feel for ow. I really do. From what I can see, she's tried very hard to get H for herself and it hasn't worked out and she's hurt. I get it. However H is also a victim in this. He was also vulnerable and she did take advantage of that. I told him to move on. He was heartbroken.

I'm still absolutely fuming with him through. At the end of the day, we didn't get properly back together. We were starting to work through things. I'm in therapy myself now for some issues I have (not relating to H)

For our marriage, it's just more time. More time apart. If we come back together then we do. But i know 100% it will only happen if I'm certain I can get past all this crap and right now I just don't think I can. Sad as we were doing ok. I'm just grateful we haven't got any closer than we already have.

Thanks for all replies - much appreciated. I apologise if I've offended anyone with bipolar disorder. It's just a tough situation for me

@Mellowyellow222

Missing the pint of the thread - and yes she does sound very unwell - but that doesn’t mean has wasn’t sexually assaulted.

She sounds very vulnerable - and it is sad that people are so ready to believe she must be lying because she has meant all health issues. You have no idea what happened in this one instance. You could also be speaking to people who have been assaulted, but who also suffer from mental health issues.

Sorry - it just annoys me when such a serious allegation is dismissed so easily by complete strangers. Only perfect victims can be believed?

The OP said her story fell apart under police questioning.

I have a friend who was accused of rape and it fell apart under similar circumstances. Her story just didn't add up.

My son's ex partner had a mental breakdown and was committed to a mental health hospital. In the week preceeding her admission, she was very disordered in what she was thinking and saying and told him (fortunately via text message so he had evidence had it been necessary) that she felt like she was going/wanted to accuse him of rape and was scared because she couldn't remember if she had already told anyone about it but that she did know the only sex they had had had been completely consensual and wanted to be clear about that.

Another of my friends had a psychotic breakdown last summer. She was treated successfully and hasn't relapsed but some of the things she was saying and believed were utterly heartbreaking. None of them were true.

When people are very mentally unwell, they do behave in ways that seem unlikely to everyone else.

And that makes it very difficult, sadly.

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@starskey80

This is Mumsnet remember! A comforting place for the newly betrayed and single to come and lick their wounds.[/quote]
Mumsnet is meant to be a supportive safe place for people yes, what an absolutely appalling comment to make.

Nothappyatwork

I know plenty of people (me included) who've had quick flings with entirely unsuitable men to occupy our time and minds after a relationship ended 🤷🏻‍♀️

@BlueSlate

Nothappyatwork

I know plenty of people (me included) who've had quick flings with entirely unsuitable men to occupy our time and minds after a relationship ended 🤷🏻‍♀️

When we were a little younger and not all married with children my friends had a motto when one of us was heartbroken over a break up.

To get over a man get under another.

A clean sheet away from the Ex was always a good remedy to move forward.

@starskey80

Badhomad how did he use her????

He dated her for three weeks, decided nit for him, as is his right, that's not using. That's two consenting adults.
She's now harassing him. Your victim blaming him!!

Agree with this.

He broke it off with her and she’s sill upset.

By the looks of it it’s a case of hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

I'm sorry this has tainted the possibility of recovering the marriage OP, especially for your husband as I dont think he did anything wrong and now has this woman to deal with. Nightmare for him.

I think if you were willing to wipe the slate clean and start a fresh then you have to do that and give you husband the benefit of the doubt.

My auntie has bipolar, it's an awful disease so I feel bad for this lady for that, but people with it can be very manipulative and say anything to manipulate situations. It's quite likely she isn't taking her medications either as my auntie stops taking them as soon as they start working and she is back to 'normal' and then she has an episode again

AskingforaBaskin

Exactly!

And the bottom line is, when people are vulnerable, they don't always make the best decisions.

Vulnerability can be long twrm (eg in the case of this lady) or short term (eg the OP's husband) when a relationship has ended. This board is full of women who have left a relationship only to find themselves in something entirely unsuitable for them because they were vulnerable.

I'm certainly no male apologist but I do think some women on here do forget that men are actually just people sometimes.

Well said BlueSlate

Ignore the blaming posts on you or DH. Focus on you and your husband. The woman is behaving ridiculously and destructively. You will have to deal with her pragmatically - maybe legally if necessary. But hopefully she will move on in her own life soon and out of yours. Take a break from everything. Rest. Good luck.

@LetHimHaveIt

Hmmmm. I'd be fucking pissed off with him, too. Of all the women in the world with whom to have a relationship in his fairly narrow window of opportunity, he plumps for one with an apparently rich history of mental health problems, who 'tries to ruin relationships' and makes false accusations of rape. He seems remarkably tractable, given her reported behaviour and the messages about getting other men over to 'see to her' properly. And all these friends and friends' husbands lining up to blab what they know about her! How fishy extraordinary!

I don't like it, OP, honestly. Sometimes 'psycho exes' really are 'psycho exes' but sometimes they're women who have been done wrong. I wouldn't be astonished if he's been sleeping with her longer than he claims. Put it that way.

This.

Whatever her issues.

I would be looking straight at your husband and his lack of judgement.

Perhaps you leaving was a good call.

I would be getting the Ick for him and his choices.

I would be looking straight at your husband and his lack of judgement.

So we accept this woman lacks judgement due to being vulnerable but not that the OP's husband also did due to also being vulnerable following the breakdown of his relationship?

That's why we describe people who have been through a traumatic event as vulnerable. Precisely because they do lack judgement. It's one of the defining features! It's why they're vulnerable.

Sorry if I've missed this but why did you leave your husband in the first place ?

God, can a man not haveva brief rebound relationship without being turned into the bad guy.

Are you new here? No, no he can't.

Honestly OP I think if you can't get this out of your head you need to let your husband go rather than looking for something he's done wrong.

From your own account: You dumped him. He was chased while reeling from that and missed the signs it might be a bad idea. This woman is a serial liar, he's shown you all her messages and been completely open with you- which he didn't have to be.

You have no basis to disbelieve him.

I’m not saying she’s hundred percent truthful but I wouldn’t automatically discount her as being 100% a liar either

But this woman is a liar. He MH condition is mostly irrelevant, many people with bipolar don't lie.

Unless I have missed something (it is a long thread) there is no evidence DH lied and lots he didn't?

'But this woman is a liar.'

No. OP's posts say she is.

Your DH a victim? That’s hilarious and pathetic. Poor victim using a mentally vulnerable person for sex. Yeah right. If he hadn’t done that, he wouldn’t be in this mess!!

Men using vulnerable women - as old as time. He was in a bad place? What a joke. Some women will believe anything.

@Jellybellyfun88

Your DH a victim? That’s hilarious and pathetic. Poor victim using a mentally vulnerable person for sex. Yeah right. If he hadn’t done that, he wouldn’t be in this mess!!

Men using vulnerable women - as old as time. He was in a bad place? What a joke. Some women will believe anything.

Yeah, it's almost like people don't make great decisions when they're in a bad place, isn't it..? 🙄

I made all sorts of bad decisions when I was in a bad place none of them involved having sex with other people it was more things like eating too much chocolate. Typically you find women will sing into the hairbrush in front of the mirror and have a good cry man will go and stick their cock in people that they wouldn’t normally touch with the bargepole. One has far-reaching consequences the other does not

@Jellybellyfun88

Your DH a victim? That’s hilarious and pathetic. Poor victim using a mentally vulnerable person for sex. Yeah right. If he hadn’t done that, he wouldn’t be in this mess!!

Men using vulnerable women - as old as time. He was in a bad place? What a joke. Some women will believe anything.

Where is her personal responsibility? She is not bordering on criminal activity because she has failed to maintain her health and control her behaviour.