H had a fling with a mentally unstable woman.....

[gerryperry]

We separated for 6'months. In this time he had a fling with a woman who turns out is very mentally unstable.
I knew about it. He hasn't cheated.

Over the past 6/8 weeks, we've decided to give our marriage another go. Again, I was aware of the fling with the woman. I knew it was already over between them both. The fling lasted about 3/4 weeks in total.

H ended the relationship with her and granted she was upset. He ended up having to block her as he was getting vile messages. This is before we got back together.

Anyway everything was fine, we were taking things slowly, the odd date night every now and then etc etc.

One morning I got a random Facebook message off OW saying I need to know 'the truth' about their relationship. This was sent at 3 am in the morning. It upset me, I won't lie but I ignored the message. I then decided to block her completely and went back onto the message only to find she had unsent the message. The next minute she had deleted her account completely. I tried to block her myself but I couldn't as she had just vanished.

I met up with friends a few days later and told them what happened. It turns out one of my friends knows the OW and she has bipolar. She started reeling off things that she had done to other men in the last, trying to ruin relationships etc. Shes even cried rape before
(So sorry if that upsets anyone xx) and almost got a friend of hers husband sent to prison but dropped charges at the last minute. It was all lies.

This woman is very mentally unstable. Apparently she's ok strong medication and shouldn't drink alcohol. It makes total sense as every message I've received off her is around 2/3am in the morning:

Anyway the other day I woke to a few more messages off her. She's back. This is what's upset me.

In the message, she says that she was sleeping with my husband much earlier than I thought. It was still during a time where we had separated but it was a time we were both trying to fight for our marriage. H was desperate for us not to separate. It was the week before Xmas they slept together for the first time according to her. I spent Xmas with H. I bought him gifts, we had a normal Xmas. I would be devastated if this were true.

She also said some other things that I can imagine to be true.

I blocked her immediately. Rang H who was obviously very angry and denied that he slept with her before Xmas.

I've had a crappy couple of days. H then starts to recieve messages off her from a different number.

If I get anymore messages off her then I will reply asking her to leave me alone. If she doesn't, I know I can then go to the police for harassment. I really don't want to do this but she's making me very uncomfortable. H seems to think she would be the type to start a new fb account just to contact me so I've come off social media.

I'm mad at H. He could of picked a better woman to have a fling with! Saying that, from the sounds, she had feelings for him and he dumped her.

I've also now got the whole thing of wether he slept with her before Xmas. I'll never find out the truth. It's him against her. The only thing I've got to go in his favour is she is well known to cause trouble and it's blatantly obvious anyway from her behaviour in the messages she's sent me.

Advice? Eurgh...not enjoying this x

She’s clearly wasn’t mentally unstable enough to put your husband off shagging her whatever she’s got going on it’s him who has broken the trust. Is all this shit worth having him back in your life?

Why are posters expecting him to have a deep and vast knowledge of her in 3 weeks?!

He isn't responsible if she is vulnerable.
OP I know someone similar to this woman. I went to school with her and she was 'pregnant' three times in school. Each time it was a lie. She has continued to be unstable in adult life and ph lushes everything on FB. She has 3 children with heavy SS involvement and I can only stress that you need to get the Police involved. If she is anything like the person I know then violence and criminal damage is a logical step in the breakdown of a relationship

Thank you for all the responses. I'm in no way saying H is innocent in all of this. I can't even bare to call him DH.

I'm thankful we haven't gone any further to trying to sort our marriage, not living back together etc.

I'm going to give it a few days with no contact from H. I'll see if I think I can get past this though sadly I was in a similar situation many years ago and wasted 3 years of my life trying to get the truth out my first boyfriend - turned out to be true. It's no life to live, I can't see how we would ever be truly happy again. We still have the actual issues I left him in the first place to work on.

I just haven't been able to actually sit and think about that side of things as I've been more worried about what messages I may get next. Thankfully she doesn't have anymore details on me and doesn't know where I live. She doesn't live anywhere near me.

I'm angry I've been dragged into his mess which is absolutely nothing to do with me.

Your H showed dubious judgement, but he's just been given the lesson of a lifetime. If he couldn't see your value before this incident, he is well aware of it now.

If she is sending you both crazy messages, then I wouldn't put too much faith in her veracity. Bipolar sounds 'sexy', but she might actually have a personality disorder instead.

Put it down to experience, leaving you both older and wiser, and see where that leaves you. Your H has had his dick bitten, he'll be a bit shyer about sharing it again. You are now in a much better negotiating position to state your boundaries for the future.

Oh OP, this sounds so hard. I think a lot of the details that you are focussing on are red herrings. I don't know if any happy, stable, comforting relationship is borne out of a situation like this. You said you ended things/were on a 'break' before. Have those issues now gone? Or just been eclipsed by this new drama?

I would focus less on him and her and more on you. Is this making you happy? What could you be doing or achieving if you didn't have this emotional slog taking up your precious time and mental space?

God, can a man not haveva brief rebound relationship without being turned into the bad guy.
The op has seen the messages of this woman using his upset to get close to him and manipulate him. He ended it after three short weeks, as his right, but yeah, according to mumsnet, he's the bad guy ( massive eyeroll)

Trust your husband on this. Block her, and report it the harassment continues. Especially your poor husband. If a man was harassing a woman like this you'd hear a very different response on here.

@gerryperry
I personally wouldn't take any notice of her telling you that your husband and her were having an affair before you guys had officially split.
She's proven herself to be a liar and she clearly realises that this will hurt you and she's hoping for some sort of reaction that will hurt him.
You say that you and your husband are rebuilding your relationship and that's really good so if I were you, I would choose to believe him unless new evidence comes to light.
In regards to dealing with this woman, I would come down hard. I think you and your husband should both state very clearly that if she doesn't cease and desist, you will involve the police, your solicitor and you will inform her family of what she has been doing. Make it clear that she has one chance to sod off and that you have no problem about at all in involving these relevant people.

I find that these types of people absolutely love the back and forth with messages and drama etc and once it's made crystal clear that you aren't going to tolerate or participate any longer, and that there indeed be consequences to her behaviour I would think she will back off and look for a new more exciting drama.

Everyone gets dumped and it's something that we've all had to deal with.
Also, that message she sent to your Husband about having another guy coming around is revolting! If the roles were reversed people would say he was abusive! She sounds totally toxic and not to be relied upon.
Good luck and I'm pleased you are in a better place with your husband.

Missing the pint of the thread - and yes she does sound very unwell - but that doesn’t mean has wasn’t sexually assaulted.

She sounds very vulnerable - and it is sad that people are so ready to believe she must be lying because she has meant all health issues. You have no idea what happened in this one instance. You could also be speaking to people who have been assaulted, but who also suffer from mental health issues.

Sorry - it just annoys me when such a serious allegation is dismissed so easily by complete strangers. Only perfect victims can be believed?

I’d suggest you and H focus on trying to make it work, if that’s what you want to do. It’s clear that this woman is bonkers and has certainly lied to him about you, so it’s likely she’s also lying to you about him.

If you want to split up then do that, but don’t do it because someone else that neither of you like is trying to drive you apart.

I’m concerned about her knowing that he’s back together with you if you guys haven’t told anyone, that seems a bit stalkerish! I’d report her for harassment to the police.

People can have BPD and lead reasonably normal lives with medication and monitoring.

There are people who have BPD and have other issues;they can also be just unpleasant people.

She doesn't sound as though she has her mental health issues under control;some people can be very difficult for MH professionals to engage with.

Going on past form I'd not believe her about how long your DH was seeing her;it doesn't sound like more than a few dates and some casual sex.It sounds as though she forms unhealthy/unrealistic attachments to people and isn't able to tolerate rejection.

Both you and your DH need to speak with the police as situations like these can escalate very quickly especially if she feels wronged/like you've "stolen" her man.

You're entitled to be annoyed with your DH for getting entangled with her but he walked away after a very short space of time so at least give him some credit for that.

Don't let this woman sully the progress you've made on getting things back on track;I hope things work out for the two of you.

@forlornlorna

He got into another relationship with a woman who was open and honest about her mental health. Is probably quite vulnerable and obviously unstable. That alone would make me question what kind of a man he is

This. It appears to me your H was using her for sex. And he targeted a vulnerable adult to get it. I would not be able to stay married to a predatory man like this.

We had a nightmare a few months ago with a former friend of ours (we both had to block him for our sanity) who was on heavy duty medication and started drinking heavily.
From a sweet guy he turned into someone who could pick a fight in an empty room and called the police numerous times because he though people, including DH were trying to kill him!
If this woman is on medication and drunk messaging you in the wee small hours I wouldn’t believe a word she says quite honestly!

I agree with all the other posters who have highlighted the real problem here. Your husband clearly has no issue having a fling with a woman who is well known for being unstable and suffering from a mental illness.
Despite all this he had a month long "fling" with her. I think his behaviour is appalling and don't know how you could stay in a relationship with a man that shows such little regard for another human.

@forlornlorna

He got into another relationship with a woman who was open and honest about her mental health. Is probably quite vulnerable and obviously unstable. That alone would make me question what kind of a man he is

How do you know she was ''open and honest about her mental health'' before or during their relationship?

Firstly, has he had an std check?

Whether you believe him is up to you bu lt protect your health

Why would she know that it would cause issues that she slept with him before Christmas? They probably did sleep together. He probably slept with her on days that he saw you.

However, if you’re giving your relationship another go, you need to put all of that behind you, and start from now

It does all sound messy OP. You separated with DH in September, at christmas you were trying to reconcile and spent time together, then in Jan he hooks up for 3 to 4 weeks (not a one off) with a "psycho" who sends some very weird messages. He ends it with her and you take him back.

Apparently she is mental but it also sounds like she gets treated like shit by married men in the town? You've really got to ask yourself why he started seeing her.

Either you trust him or you don't. Either you put this all behind you or you don't.

@fruitbrewhaha

It does all sound messy OP. You separated with DH in September, at christmas you were trying to reconcile and spent time together, then in Jan he hooks up for 3 to 4 weeks (not a one off) with a "psycho" who sends some very weird messages. He ends it with her and you take him back.

Apparently she is mental but it also sounds like she gets treated like shit by married men in the town? You've really got to ask yourself why he started seeing her.

Either you trust him or you don't. Either you put this all behind you or you don't.

Yes. This. It's all a bit "icky"

She knows what would hurt you and she’s doing everything she can to do it.

@Neverreturntoathread

I’d suggest you and H focus on trying to make it work, if that’s what you want to do. It’s clear that this woman is bonkers and has certainly lied to him about you, so it’s likely she’s also lying to you about him.

If you want to split up then do that, but don’t do it because someone else that neither of you like is trying to drive you apart.

I’m concerned about her knowing that he’s back together with you if you guys haven’t told anyone, that seems a bit stalkerish! I’d report her for harassment to the police.

Yes this is what's taking over my mind! It won't harm to call them. Actually calling 101 might just put my mind at ease and then I can focus on the rest

How do you know she was ''open and honest about her mental health'' before or during their relationship?

She sent him messages saying someone else was coming to fuck her when he cancelled dates and then the next morning said it was because she is bi polar.

Only you really know your husband.

Given that you say you were the one that ended it, if he'd already been seeing her and carried on once you split, wouldn't he have been glad of your relationship ending rather than you having to leave him?

It sounds like the sort of relationship you might enter into on the rebound and a bit lost rather than as an affair because if she is as you describe, I can't imagine her having kept quiet about it

It sounds messy, complicated and you're unlikely to get to the whole truth.

In this situation I wouldn't be able to get over the fact that in only the short space of 6 months that you'd separated, the man couldn't keep it in his pants long enough and off he went with another woman. Then deny, deny, deny. Untrustworthy. That would be it as far as I was concerned - he clearly wasn't that bothered to let the dust settle and see if things with your relationship could be retrieved, he was on the starting blocks looking elsewhere.

He's clearly showing you who he is nowadays, what he's capable of, and how little he cares about your relationship that he can caste you aside so easily.

@starskey80

God, can a man not haveva brief rebound relationship without being turned into the bad guy. The op has seen the messages of this woman using his upset to get close to him and manipulate him. He ended it after three short weeks, as his right, but yeah, according to mumsnet, he's the bad guy ( massive eyeroll)

Trust your husband on this. Block her, and report it the harassment continues. Especially your poor husband. If a man was harassing a woman like this you'd hear a very different response on here.

You don't think it makes a difference that he knew she had BP when he humped then dumped her after three weeks? What kind of person, male or female, treats someone with a mental health disorder like that then acts surprised when it triggers their symptoms.

If you know a dog bites it's not the dog's fault it bites you when you stick your hand in its mouth.

So your husband used a vulnerable mentally ill women to fill the sex gap whilst you were separated for a matter of months.

Nice guy you've got there.