H had a fling with a mentally unstable woman.....

[gerryperry]

We separated for 6'months. In this time he had a fling with a woman who turns out is very mentally unstable.
I knew about it. He hasn't cheated.

Over the past 6/8 weeks, we've decided to give our marriage another go. Again, I was aware of the fling with the woman. I knew it was already over between them both. The fling lasted about 3/4 weeks in total.

H ended the relationship with her and granted she was upset. He ended up having to block her as he was getting vile messages. This is before we got back together.

Anyway everything was fine, we were taking things slowly, the odd date night every now and then etc etc.

One morning I got a random Facebook message off OW saying I need to know 'the truth' about their relationship. This was sent at 3 am in the morning. It upset me, I won't lie but I ignored the message. I then decided to block her completely and went back onto the message only to find she had unsent the message. The next minute she had deleted her account completely. I tried to block her myself but I couldn't as she had just vanished.

I met up with friends a few days later and told them what happened. It turns out one of my friends knows the OW and she has bipolar. She started reeling off things that she had done to other men in the last, trying to ruin relationships etc. Shes even cried rape before
(So sorry if that upsets anyone xx) and almost got a friend of hers husband sent to prison but dropped charges at the last minute. It was all lies.

This woman is very mentally unstable. Apparently she's ok strong medication and shouldn't drink alcohol. It makes total sense as every message I've received off her is around 2/3am in the morning:

Anyway the other day I woke to a few more messages off her. She's back. This is what's upset me.

In the message, she says that she was sleeping with my husband much earlier than I thought. It was still during a time where we had separated but it was a time we were both trying to fight for our marriage. H was desperate for us not to separate. It was the week before Xmas they slept together for the first time according to her. I spent Xmas with H. I bought him gifts, we had a normal Xmas. I would be devastated if this were true.

She also said some other things that I can imagine to be true.

I blocked her immediately. Rang H who was obviously very angry and denied that he slept with her before Xmas.

I've had a crappy couple of days. H then starts to recieve messages off her from a different number.

If I get anymore messages off her then I will reply asking her to leave me alone. If she doesn't, I know I can then go to the police for harassment. I really don't want to do this but she's making me very uncomfortable. H seems to think she would be the type to start a new fb account just to contact me so I've come off social media.

I'm mad at H. He could of picked a better woman to have a fling with! Saying that, from the sounds, she had feelings for him and he dumped her.

I've also now got the whole thing of wether he slept with her before Xmas. I'll never find out the truth. It's him against her. The only thing I've got to go in his favour is she is well known to cause trouble and it's blatantly obvious anyway from her behaviour in the messages she's sent me.

Advice? Eurgh...not enjoying this x

BlueSlate He was in such a bad state, he had time to find a woman and shag her. Not crying at home over his partner leaving him, was he? He was out having sex with a well known, vulnerable woman. He didn't sound so heartbroken and in a bad place, to me. Men very rarely lose their shit unless it's to alcohol or drug addiction or mental health or death...
Once again women are far too understanding when it comes to men.

AskingforaBaskin It's called having a severe mental health problem.

Still not her DH issue though. He didn't have her medical info. And people on here have been ripped apart from shunning people as soon as they hear someone has a MH issue. He didn't cause it. He didn't have a past with her.

3 weeks. And how many actual encounters? Does not bound them.

Personally, I’d not want this shit at my doorstep, regardless of her MH issues.
What were reasons for the separation, but he didn’t need to jump into the fire with ow.

But this woman is a liar.' No. OP's posts say she is.

Well yeah, what else do we have to go on other than what the OP says?

According to OP this woman said things OP knows to be false, sent messages to DH which seem manipulative and irrational and people OP knows and trusts claim she is a serial liar.

Based on what we know this woman has lied a lot and DH has been entirely honest, if foolish.

Frankly if my spouse dumped me, changed their mind, then was angry and wanted to know all the details of my love life during the break, I think I'd tell them to fuck off.

OP is not at all unreasonable to feel upset that DH's fuckup is affecting her but if she actually wants to make a go of it she needs to make a decision and stick to it. Either she works on her marriage or not- this woman is not the problem.

He didn't sound so heartbroken and in a bad place, to me. Men very rarely lose their shit unless it's to alcohol or drug addiction or mental health or death...

Yeah and women are naturally better at ironing.

donquixotedelamancha nope i'm terrible at ironing.

'But this woman is a liar.' No. OP's posts say she is.

Well yeah, what else do we have to go on other than what the OP says?'

But this isn't even a situation where the OP is claiming the woman is a liar based upon things the OP herself knows not to be the truth - for example, the AP says she was with OP's husband on the 23rd of May, and OP is all 'Little did she know we were at a tea cosy exhibition in Nuneaton that day, and I kept the train tickets for my scrapbook . . . '.

Everything else is second-hand at best, and more like third or fourth - lots of friends' husbands/husband's friends/crazy woman's friend's husband" - and spurious as fuck. Someone was 'almost sent to prison' - but it's not clear that he was even charged, let alone stood trial.

I think OP should proceed with caution, and consider why she ended things in the first place.

I think OP should proceed with caution, and consider why she ended things in the first place.

Quite possibly. I think why they first split up is far more relevant to her decision that what he did after being dumped.

Everything else is second-hand at best, and more like third or fourth

She's never going to know better than second hand but if she actually wants her marriage to work then listening to MNers lurid speculation and worrying about what DH did on the break is going to be fatal.

Marriages take trust and effort on both sides. So far it's the DH running back when summoned and allowing forensic investigation of his messages and actions.

Honestly if DH was a lass we'd all be saying LTB and calling OP controlling.

Screen shot the messages, keep evidence. Hopefully she'll get bored if she doesn't get a reaction. If she persists beyond your limits or messages get threatening etc I personally wouldn't warn her that you're going to the Police, just do it, as she may well make up a counter claim. She's irrational. Be prepared.

He got into another relationship with a woman who was open and honest about her mental health. Is probably quite vulnerable and obviously unstable. That alone would make me question what kind of a man he is

@forlornlorna And he didn't even have the decency to have a relationship with her before he shagged her. It sounds like he used a vulnerable woman for sex/attention, with no respect. I've been that woman and such men are evil.

But this isn't even a situation where the OP is claiming the woman is a liar based upon things the OP herself knows not to be the truth

@LetHimHaveIt To be fair, apparently the woman did claim to have seen OP with a new man, and that wasn't the case.

*HollowedOut
I’d be interested to know how she almost got a man sent to prison for a rape he didn’t commit. My rapist left dna evidence inside me, injuries consistent with rape and emailed me apologising afterwards and it didn’t even get to court due to insufficient evidence. She may have been telling lies about other stuff, I don’t know, but in the UK it is practically impossible to get an actual rapist into court, let alone a fake one.

Read the thread! She didn't. She admitted it was all lies once the police started questioning.*

You wrote that she almost got a man sent to prison and then changed her mind at the last minute

It's not uncommon for victims to drop it, too. Most don't go to the police at all, after all. The process is very intimidating and stressful. Her backing out of going forward with it doesn't necessarily mean she was lying.

Exactly @me4real. Unsurprisingly my rapist and his family have told loads of people that I’m mentally unstable and a liar too.

You wrote that she almost got a man sent to prison and then changed her mind at the last minute

Really confused about how Ops retelling about how this women 'lied' about being raped, changed quite a lot in a short space of time.

Its actually very very concerning.

@HollowedOut #MeToo xx

He told you about the fling,why would he lie about the length of time? It has been proven she is a liar, has he a history of lying?

@gerryperry

Block her and keep blocking her.
Ask your DH to do the same.
These people thrive on conflict and are attention-seeking. Just don't do anything to feed the fire

Don't let her instability ruin your chance of renewing your relationship with your partner.

Look forward not back.

Don't listen to all the knee jerk "leave the bastard" posts you get on here. So unhelpful. Esp as it wasn't a clandestine affair.

I'd believe your DH over a woman who was a history of lying (even crying rape when not true, which is unforgivable in my book - not only because an innocent man may end up in prison, but also because it can really undermine cases where woman are honestly reporting a rape).

I'm sorry to hear you are in a bad situation OP and I really hope you sort things out with DH and this woman leaves you alone.

However, your post is highly offensive. The way you speak about mental illness is absolutely cruel and completely ignorant.

Having bipolar doesn't make you a liar. It doesn't make you send abusive messages. Bi polar doesn't make you break up relationships.

Being a shitty person does.

Your post comes across as "watch out, or the 'crazies' will ruin your marriage"

Reading behind the lines I'd say you're upset that your husband might have been sleeping with this woman at Xmas while he was spending time with you. Of course, you need to make your own decision about that but it shouldn't be too hard for you considering that you seem to think having bipolar makes you evil reincarnate.

Do yourself a favour. Read up on bipolar incase anyone in your own life that you actually care about is affected by mental illness at some point in the future, because you'll certainly be no help with your current attitude.

Unfortunately I've had to call the police on OW this morning. She began sending threatening messages through her teenage daughters social media. She then found my work mobile number (which isn't hard as I use social media for work and my work number is on there) and sent me several messages to this also.

I did as was advised on here and didn't respond, just called the police which they said was the correct thing to do.

Some of the messages where absolutely horrific and left me extremely shaken however I have chosen not to take it any further on the grounds that she leaves me well and truly alone. I have no idea if I've made the right choice. OW has promised to the police that she will leave me alone and is aware of the implications of she doesn't.

I appreciate all the helpful comments. It's not an easy thing to discuss and believe it or not, I have my own mental health issues. They are the reason I left my marriage in the first place. Mental illness affects lives so much - she is going through an episode and I fully understand that however I can't condone what this woman has put me through, especially in the last 24 hours. I still have not said a single word to her yet she has threatened my life and was very graphic about it. I've handled it the best I could.

The police are being fantastic and despite not taking it any further, they took it very seriously and I know they are only a call away if I need them. At the same time, they were understanding of OW and she now has her family around her and her dc staying elsewhere. I'd just like to say I don't wish any bad on her - I just want to be left alone!

I'm praying that's the end now so I can just move on and get on with my life. Absolutely exhausted

Also just to add - the police had her file up on his laptop while he was round. Obviously I didn't ask and he wouldn't tell me even if I wanted to know but he did say she was known to them because of the file he had in front of him and he 'was sad that she hadn't stopped' which i can only take as she's done this kind of thing before. No idea if it relates to the story I have put in this thread but all I can gather is when this isn't the first time something like this has happened to her.

I genuinely hope she gets the help she clearly needs.

The problem is she’s planted the seed of doubt in your mind, so wether it’s true or not your always going to wonder with no real way of knowing if it’s true.
Me and DP went on a. ‘Break’ 2 years after being together, in that time he was seeing someone else, it was for about 2 months in the 4 months we were separated. We decided to give it another go. I had the other woman messaging me constantly. One weekend she emailed me that he was cheating on me and that he was with her.... except he was sitting right next to me as we were in a hotel. I played along never told her... she did the same thing 4 more times, each time is was with DP.... finally I sent her a pic of me and DP together and she realised she’d been busted. Had DP not been with me I probably would have been inclined to believe it just a fraction. Women in this state, especially if they are a woman scorned are the most dangerous kind.
It’s up to you, go with your gut.. it’s usually always right.

Remember it's not an either/or too, @gerryperry . She could be awful and a liar about other things and still not be lying about this particular thing.

The issue over when he first slept with her would really not matter much to me.
The fact is that he did sleep with her- and having sex with another woman would not be the actions of a man who truly wanted to work things out with and who loved me.
If he was the type of man who could do this then I wouldn't be interested in him at all.
I'm sure your husband is very grateful to the woman for causing all this drama and taking the spotlight away from him.
It's reading like you almost feel sorry for him.